Saturday, December 23, 2006

Another Very Merry Christmas Jeremy Show Special

Hello and welcome to Another Very Merry Christmas Jeremy Show Special. I hope your enjoying the holiday as much as I am. I have a great evening planned for all of us with Christmas tips, lots of fabulous guests and imaginary food and drinks. Thanks for stopping by, I think you'll be glad you did.

Let's start with a holiday tip.

I can't remember where I heard this but this is the best advice I ever heard about surviving the holidays. Ready, here it is-- Expect Nothing. Whether it's love, acceptance, approval, good food, good sex or simply a nice time you expect this Christmas- It is not guaranteed.

We all have very elaborate plans and fantasies about the way things should go during the holidays. Not to be a Scrooge, but many of these plans and fantasies won't go the way we imagined them. That's ok though.

Christmas can be a very magical time. It is not based in reality-- it is a wonderful magical imaginative place in our mind where elves build toys and men climb down chimneys. It is linked to our imaginations when we were children. I think this is why it can be so emotional.

So my goal this Christmas is to expect nothing, to try to control nothing. I will look at the pretty lights, watch some movies, be with my family, maybe have a few drinks and let the snowflakes fall where they fall. Adopting this very zen attitude about Christmas has saved me from setting a few Christmas trees on fire.

On that note, I would like to introduce my first guests- The Pet Shop Boys singing "It Doesn't Often Snow At Christmas." Take it away Elton...

Now it's time for a Christmas Recipe from my kitchen to yours. I actually make this spicy, greasy delicious dish myself. Feel free to use it as a delicious addition to your Christmas table.

Clinical Depression Double Layer Jalepno Delight

1 bag of Krunchers Jalepeno potato chips
1 bag of Chihahua Cheese (can substitute any meltable cheese)
1 microwavable bowl

Empty one half bag of chips into the microwavable bowl. Empty half bag of cheese on to the chips. Empty the rest of the bag of chips and top with remaing cheese. Microwave for 1.5-2 minutes. Eat with fingers.

No Christmas is complete without a visit from Judy Garland. This clip makes me tear up thinking about the ridiculous amount of soldiers that are in Iraq away from their families for absolutely no reason. I don't normally think of such things, but I've taken a step away from the Rosie Trump scandal to think about something more important for a change. Hopefully, "Next year all our troubles will be miles away." I send them Christmas greetings. I don't know if they want my faggoty Jeremy Show Christmas greetings, but they have them if they want them. Anyway, here is a great clip of Judy with clips of soldjas.

If you want, write a letter to a soldier.

Well, time for my special gentleman to pick me up on his sleigh and take me over the river and through the woods to my parents house. I really do wish you a really great Christmas and remember to chill out, be zen, and just enjoy the break.

I thought we'd drop in on Joan Crawford and see what's going on at her house during the holidays.

Merry Christmas

Wednesday, December 20, 2006


Like most people, Christmas for me is all about celebrity endorsed products. That is why I was very excited when I saw the ad for the perfume, "Danielle." It's a literary scent. This year, Danielle has been in her laboratory creating an olifactory story. A novel for the nose!

The perfect gift for me is always going to be found on either HSN, QVC or the "As Seen On TV" section. I have been eyeing Pamela Anderson's teeth whitening system all year at my local Walgreens. Suzanne Somers sells frozen steaks on QVC. Also (as mentioned above) any perfume sold by a celebrity is a good idea when shopping for me- Britney Spears' "Curious," J.Lo's "Glow," or Antonio Banderas' "Spirit." I plan to create a shelf or a special area to display these unusual bottles in my apartment.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Confessions Tour

For a pre thanksgiving treat, NBC has Madonna's Confession's Tour on at 7 PM tonight. Just wanted to remind you, fire up your Betamax's and DVR's!!

My favorite song from the show was "Like A Virgin." It was the song I could most easily relate to, as I am still a virgin. I am saving myself until I am able to get married legally. So that's hard.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

the price is right

I recently was involved in a discussion about "The Price is Right" with Andy and Rob. Andy and Rob both said that show reminded them of staying home sick when they were little.

Although I do have memories of watching The Price Is Right as a child home from school, I surround myself with television shows that remind me of staying home sick all the time. I record these shows-- The View, Live With Regis and Kelly, Martha, etc--- because they make me feel safe.

I listen to Madonna, Bette Midler, Dolly Parton, because they remind me of better times in my life. As I imagine the oldies channel reminds my mother of the same.

In a sense, I have been staying home sick (metaphorically) for a long time. Distanced from those who are out living. I don't have any immediate plans to change this, but I thought I'd make a note of it. Maybe explore it further...

How strange it all seems. Everyday. This is my life. This is my life. My name is Jeremy. I am Jeremy.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006


Crazy faggot walking the streets of Chicago in bad clothes smoking cigarettes. That's what I am. Sleepwalking. That's what it feels like. Can't form sentences.

I came home, watched my shows, made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich x2 and carrot sticks and ranch dressing. Feeling very empty and angry at the same time. I came across a picture of Bette Davis and I thought, yes! I need Bette Davis right now. So, I go to youtube, and found another compilation by the genius vj Danorama and I am instantly happy. It contains scenes from a movie called "Dead Ringer," which I have been trying to remember the name of for about a year now. And...and...JAN HOOKS's fantastic portrayal of her videotaped will on Saturday Night Live.

I also need more JAN HOOKS in my life. Back to basics. If you were me you would be watching this right now.

Saturday, November 11, 2006


Really great Pet Shop Boys video of my favorite song off their newish album. I think it perfectly sums up the political winter we have all been living in. It's springtime now-- hopefully. Ok, I'll shut up now.

Monday, November 06, 2006


He felt sick when he woke up, which wasn't unusual, hadn't been unusual for awhile now. He laid in bed for about an hour thinking of things.

He thought about his grandmother. Specifically, he thought about walking to his grandmother's house for lunch. He had special permission in junior high to do this. Knowing his limits, knowing what he could and could not handle, he had arranged it. He had received special permission to leave school for lunch. Certainly his mother must have been involved at some point in the negotiations, but he was pretty sure that he had been the primary dealmaker. He had tried. He had tried to make friends at the school. No he had not, he thought, still lying in bed feeling sick. He had not tried to make friends at school. He had not tried hard enough. A fat buck toothed boy, he was. An immigrant from California to a small town in Illinois.

His mind wandered. He remembered his attempts at making friends. Telling jokes that other sixth grade boys would not get. Jokes he had heard on Joan Rivers comedy albums that he had checked out over the summer from the library. These were not the kind of jokes that sixth grade boys were going to understand or appreciate. He cringed in his bed thinking about it. Why was he putting himself through this again? Worrying about what these boys were thinking about him? This was in the past. These boys were now working at insurance companies and construction sites. These boys now had one or two kids. By now, these boys had cheated on their wives once or twice. Maybe divorced. Maybe not. These boys had one or two DUI's. One or two of them had had a cock in their mouths at one point. One or two cocks, maybe. Two cocks, maybe, at the same time. Or maybe that was him, maybe he was that boy.

His glands felt swollen and he had a dry mouth this morning. He was half in and half out of the past. He smoked a cigarette, half asleep. Thinking about his grandmother. Specifically, he thought about the path that he took to get to his grandmother's house for lunch. "The shortest distance between two points is a straight line," he had learned in school. So he took this straight line from his junior high school, cutting through two backyards. His grandmother's house was not far away from the school.

What bothered him this morning was that he did not say hello enough to his grandmother enough. Why couldn't he just have said hello? It seemed that she was always doing laundry in the basement when he would come over for lunch. He was too concerned with the thirty minutes he had to make his peanut butter and jelly sandwich and watch the "The Match Game." He could have gone down there in the basement to say hello. She would ultimately come up to him from the basement to the kitchen to say hello. Knees disintegrating under polyester pants as she climbed the stairs carefully and methodically. Two minutes to climb the fifteen steps, it took her. He would be eating his sandwich by then, watching a gameshow on her tiny black and white television near the kitchen table. Hearing her ascent, this is what really bothered him, hearing her careful climb up the steps he would just rather she stay down there. Why even bother? He would just rather be left to watch "The Match Game."

"Ugly Sue was so ugly that when she got married she wore a blank." He loved this show. Not so much for the game but for the wacky celebrities. He loved celebrity. The celebrity panel was filled with B-List stars like Vicki Lawrence and Judy Tenuta and Nipsey Rusell. These stars were more important to him then his grandmother.

But as he lay in his bed, at the age of thirty, it was not the Match Game that was so important anymore (still a little important, he did wonder why they didn't play this version on the Game Show Network). But as he lay in bed at the age of thirty, what he really wished for was to say hello to his grandmother.

The last he remembered of his grandmother was visiting her in the nursing home shortly after September 11th and shortly before her death. His father was trying to explain the gravity of recent current events. "We have been attacked," he said to his dying mother, "the country is being attacked." This was of little concern to his grandmother. He remembered that she was very concerened with candy. He remembered that she had asked for candy or cake. Sweet things. They all laughed it off.

"Give her the candy. Give her the cake," he thought this morning with the dry mouth and the swollen glands. And fuck his memories of boys in junior high and his stupid homoerotic predictions on what they were doing now. Hello Grandma.

Monday, September 25, 2006

dreaming of bush

i dreamt i was taking a class and was not getting along with a teacher. i didnt have the right book and was trying to tell the teacher and he didnt give a shit. i went to talk to the principal (played by president bush). he gave me a big hug. he was very understanding at first (and suprisingly sexy) but he turned on me. telling me i was not smart and that my whole college career had been a lie. i left his office. i tried to explain all this to kara and she turned on me too. so i cut the top of my left hand in protest with a bread knife. it started bleeding really badly and looked like chopped meat (probably because i had steak for dinner). we both freaked out and went next door to her neighbors. coincidentally there were paramedics at her neighbors house that bandaged up my hand.

i think i had this dream because i had two pieces of steak for dinner.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

oh for the love of god!

everything coming out all sideways.
very angry right now.
confused about how people see me.
guess it doesnt matter.
maybe im getting other peoples issues with themselves tangled with my own.
this annoying paragraph/sentence structure isnt helping matters either.

and that whole thing is played out.
im so done with it.


Tuesday, September 19, 2006

how jeremy got his groove back

I couldnt remember what we were supposed to write about for class so I thought Id write about my day.

I went to see my therapist today after a three month break. Really felt emotionally raw. We started talking about stuff and something hit a nerve and I wanted to cry. I guess its been awhile since I have talked about my feelings. Ive sort of been numb.

After meeting with my therapist, I felt a mixture of relief and sadness. I walked back to my house through the rain, wanting to talk to someone. I called my mother and some friends but everyone went to voicemail. I came home and fell asleep for five hours.

This always happens in the Fall and its nothing new for me. Its such a shock to see the seasons change so dramatically, so fast. Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder, probably.

I tried to think of something happy today and everything seemed annoying to me.

A book cover? Like the cover of really good quality paperbacks that can take you to another world. Photography in general. Pictures of Madonna. These things make me happy.

And there is always How Stella Got Her Groove Back. What is it about that movie for me? I speak in all serious when I say that my seratonin level increases significantly when that movie is on. Maybe it's the combination of the soul music and the tropical locale that really relaxes me. And Taye Diggs.

I want to be Angela Bassett in Jamaica right now. I want Whoppi Goldberg to be my friend who has some mysterious movie illness that brings us together just before its too late. Then I get married to Taye Diggs and quit my job as a stockbroker to design wood furniture out of my garage.

Just writing about that makes me happy.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

the terrorists win when they cancel big brother

they cancelled tonights big brother so they could play some retarted documentary about 9/11. enough! enough! give me back my big brother. or play an old rerun of the carol burnett show. anything. we got it, we got the point.

why are they making me watch this? friggin 9/11 documentaries they keep making me watch on tv. getting all anxious and crazy. if i have to see those buildings collapse again im going to collapse. can we cool it, please! people are so down on television and reality shows and shit-- not nearly as damaging and unhealthy as 9/11 porn. fear factor is a children's programing compared to this crap.

makes me think about how responsible the media is for the mental health of viewers. especially with 9/11. how different would our experience of september 11th be without the relentless, neverending documentaries promising new angles on a national tragedy. sure, yeah i could just turn it off, but that's not in my nature. i own that and accept that.

lord have mercy. im so sick of people and their opinions about popular culture (unless it's my opinion). bite me. you think you know, but you have no idea.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

work out

watching some show on bravo called "work out" about the very interesting and dramatic lives of personal trainers. so stupid. cant believe im still watching it. i think its because i enjoy watching this personal trainer named brian. cant get enough of these reality tv boys.

anyway thought id do a recap of this summer.

-started with taking two classes, "theories of personality" and "art history II" at columbia, a lot of work, suprisingly enjoyable.
-saw kathy griffin in crystal lake, very very funny
-saw "wicked," liked it
-saw madonna with my sister, madonna did not have the air conditioner on at the united center, hot and annoying, the show will be better on tv
-saw sandra bernhard at the hothouse, kara and i were sick, kara sicker, ridiculous price, at one point a waitress left a tray of drinks on the stage and sandra bernhard became annoyed and started picking up empty glasses in the audience and she picked up mine, sandra bernhard was inches away from me
-stayed at my parents house for a week cat and dogsitting, made an apple spice cake
-worked the sound for kara's show, very enjoyable
-became obsessed with "big brother 7: all stars," life changing

looking over the list i realize the things that made me happiest were things that took a lot of work. duh.

Monday, August 28, 2006

everything i need to know, i learned from watching big brother

Just want to let you all know I appreciate you putting up with me through the last weeks of Big Brother 7: All Stars. I have never watched or been obsessed with a television show this much, ever. It will soon be over and I will be free to go back to my hobbies: hiking, volleyball and watersports.

what i've learned from watching big brother:

Everyone, ultimately, is out for themselves.
Never really understood this fully before. I realize now we all want to win in life, not necessarily at the expense of others. Sometimes we hurt other people in the process.

People Lie.

Lies in so many colors, white lies, big flaming red purple lies. Lies all over the place. Lies coming out of our ears. Because we are afraid, because we want things, don't want things, because we're bored, because we want to be more interesting, on and on.

People exercise.

I miss California.
Bright sunny days and crispy cool nights. No ridiculous sweaty smelly humidity.

I want to go in a hot tub and have a beer.
One time in my old apartment I had a Corona and took a shower. So trashy but so relaxing.

I like bad boys with dark hair.
Robert Downey Jr. and Dr. Will Kirby.

Oh and please take a moment out of your life and humor me and watch this video!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

waking life

dreamed i was at a new school and i had to sign into their library system on a computer system. the library was huge and i kept changing computers because i couldnt figure out the sign in system. i finally found one and sat down and there was this cute guy sitting next to me. he warned me that if i tried to do anything that i better check in with mike upstairs. i told him "look, i dont know who mike is or where upstairs is so..."

i figured out the sign in system which consisted of the mouse being sucked into one of those tubes they have at banks.

after i signed in the cute guy told me "dude, you are attractive i could get you work on tv or in print." i wasnt buying it.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

one day my soul just opened up

a whiff of fall in the air. soon the beaches of lake michigan will be caked with snow and ice and i shall be in my apartment with the radiator on. i laugh at the radiator now. haha. you are not my friend radiator. the air conditioner is my real friend. but the radiator sits knowingly. knowingly sits.

this time of the year reminds me of my once yearly trips to the mental hospitals of mchenry county. gather round children for another story of auntie jeremy going crazy.

the first time i went to the hospital there was a friendly blonde counselor lady who really helped me. i cant remember why i was there. i was shaky anxiety boy. i remember seeing the book by iyanla vanzant, "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up" in her office. actually, i dont think it was her office because when i asked if i could borrow the book she gave me a "you're kidding" look. this twenty year old boy wanting to borrow an inspirational book written primarily for women in the oprah demographic. she had no idea.

i dont remember much about the book but i remember that it helped me for two or three days. as self help books go for me. i liked the cover the most. i think the cover helped me more and for longer.

recently, as i lay, lie on my couch staring at the television i remembered the book and its cover. this is what i want fall to be for me. what summer wasn't i want fall to be.
vibrant colors. with the ability to breathe.

i think the hospital for me was a place where i felt safe to vomit up all the scary terrible stuff in my life. just feelings packed so tightly together. i needed to explode. couldnt breathe.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Jeremy: The Comeback Post

Good Morning dear readers. I wish I was Ann Landers or Dear Abby typing away at a crusty old typewriter. I want to answer all the questions give all the advice. Cut the bullshit and talk turkey. What's going on! Let's figure it out.

I'll tell you what's going on with me. I'm in the throws of a slump. Every week can't be a winning week and this sure hasn't been my month. The finances are ridiculous. Can't get a pack of cigarettes without doing a song and dance, and the pack is gone before I'm done dancing. Clowns to the left jokers to the right, you understand? I dont.

It seems every night, instead of enjoying a blissful slumber I'm laying in bed imagining what my future will be. What's in store for this two bit lazy faggot with a pot belly and bad feet? It can't be good. Ultimately, no matter which way you shake it, "The Jeremy Show" ends in death. Maybe not tragedy, but death.

And what will I have left to the world? "There are only two worthwhile things to leave behind when you depart this world: Children and art." The former is highly doubtful and I can guarantee it wouldn't be a pretty picture and the latter has thus far proven to be mediocre. If not mediocre, then less than lucrative.

But let's turn that frown upside down. Let's talk about hot boys. Who's hot! Let's talk about who's hot.

Will Kirby, Big Brother: All Stars
A doctor! A doctor! I can't believe I'm marrying a doctor! Dr. Will teach me how to wash my face!!! He sells facebrushes on infomercials and is the star of Big Brother. Can't get enough of him. I want to get a sexy lecture from him about my terrible skin care. I don't wash my face. Unless you call running the shower water over your head pretending to be in the Madonna "Rain" video washing your face. I prefer a smoked out, ashen look.

Morgan Spurlock, 30 Days
I'm a sucker for a handlebar mustaches and futile attempts to save the world from the inevitable social, environmental and political apocalypse we see before us. Break it down for me Morgan. Let's try save the world, and let's try to save the world on FX. Fox light! Just because theres no O doesn't mean you aren't getting paid by Rupert Murdoch. But I don't care who you're getting paid by as long as you love me.

Leonardo Dicaprio and Toby Maguire at the beach

That's what I'm talking about. I like a little meat on the bones. One time I made out with this wiry, rickety, skinny boy in Wicker Park and it was like making out with a starved greyhound dog. Give me a nice overweight guy in a bad swimsuit. Life is too short not to be overweight! I mean, I guess I mean just eat. Have a great summer go to the beach, let it all hang out. Wear your Teva sandals. Get sand in your asscrack. I can't go with you right now because I have no money for the bus, but you go. You live it up, I'm telling you-- you aren't getting any younger.You just aren't. Enjoy your flabby, well fed, sexy bodies while you can. No one is going to want to go to the beach with you when you are old and dusty and you are pooping your scented adult diapers.

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. Blecch. I've been up all night trying to pretend like things are going to be okay. And they aren't. Life is impossible. It will always be impossible and nonsensical and mostly shitty. The more you try to plan the more it's just going to be a mess. And if you are able to hold it all down and organize it- you've turn into a rigid neurotic mess that no one wants to be around anyway. Do what you want to do and do it until it makes other people hate you. Then you'll find out who your real friends are. Buy shit you don't need. I have so many candy coated nuggets of wisdom for you this morning-- I should take calls. I should "open up the phone lines." I have poured myself 2 cups of French Roast grandiosity. Good to the last drop.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006


Hey listen folks I'm just up on the third floor drinking a slimfast and feeling shitty. I guess it boils down to work. I am pissed off that I have no money but I have made no attempt to find work.

I don't want to work at an irritating coffee shop. I wouldn't mind getting the random hot guys latte. It's the training and the names of blends and roasts and coffeephilia that really gets under my skin. Blechh.

I don't want to work at an office. Lots of negative energy all around. Ladies waiting to get married or waiting to get divorced.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

why i bother with big brother

from salon article by By Heather Havrilesky

"Welcome to the modern world, where we're all sucking on the same pop cultural crack pipe, but only the unrefined among us will admit that they inhale....

Lowbrow or not, all most of us want from TV is the chance to glimpse something true, just a peek at those strange little tics and endearing flaws that make us human. While the networks' safe little formulas mostly seem devoid of such charms, reality shows have the power to amuse, anger, appall, surprise, but most of all, engage us. Isn't that the definition of entertainment?"

Monday, August 07, 2006

i am a royal jackass!

this occured to me today. it would have been nice if someone told me. i guess there have been hints, clues along the way. whispers from god as oprah would say.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

some walk by night

i had a dream that i was put in jail for a crime i did not commit. it was an amusement park jail and there was a gayland and i wasnt sure if i could stay there or not. i was just sort of dropped off at this jail/amusement park and felt like i should check in with someone before i started exploring the various themed burros. i enjoyed the gay area of the jail very much. it ended badly i believe- someone coming to get me out of the gay area. chew on that one. i was thinking about the moonlighting soundtrack. i got it during the moonlighting craze of the late nineteen eighties. i was very young don't recall how it came into my posession. yes i do. it was given to my grandfather as a promotional something or other because he was a tv critic. did i mention that? felt very special for having it. love television soundtracks, they seem so unneccessary. it was a record.
can't remember what my point was. just that i liked it, i guess.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Kara Buller Live!

On my breaks from watching the Big Brother Live internet feed, I have been helping my good friend Kara with her one woman show "Kara Buller Live!" The show is a cavalcade of crazy characters including a twelve steppin' lesbian stand up comedian and an insane housewife from the fifties. You won't want to miss this, it's really funny.

"Kara Buller Live!" premieres this Friday night at 8PM at The Cornservatory, 4210 N. Lincoln Ave. Ten dollars. Feel free to bring wine, beer, etc. because it's BYOB. Awwww yeahhh. The show will continue on Fridays through August.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

i'm gone

i have become absolutely obsessed with Big Brother 7. it's not funny anymore. if you don't want to hear about, get out of here-- i don't need your support.
this type of obsession is so strong that it can only turn to complete disinterest at some point. but for now i'm really enjoying it, its like heroin. i love it.

i have subscribed to a 3 day trial of complete 24/7 live video feed. it is absolutely fascinating. i am so impressed that they are so serious about the show. if they try to take off their microphone, there is a creepy "big brother" voice that says "james, please put your microphone back on."

my favorite right now is mike "boogie" smith.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

i am no longer a threat


please take the candy away from children! it is not good for them and they get all strung out. take it away. please. ban it. can we ban candy please?

also that stephen king. he's scary. somethings wrong with him. ban him please. killer dogs...i don't like it. it scares me and that can't be good. ban him.

and even though i am a homosexual, i think we should tone it down a notch. we've got kids to think of. do we really need this string of seedy sex stores and disgusting bathhouses? do we REALLY need to be parading around, holding hands down major streets. i mean we're pretty much accepted in society so lets clean up our act now. we've won.

i smoke only at home now and only in designated areas.
i've learned that i can abide by this ordinance and still function.
i've adapted.
i am no longer a threat to your health.
we are on our way to a better society and i am
to be a part of it.
everything is so much brighter now.

"One world
One reason
One season

If you've done nothing wrong
You've got nothing to fear
If you've something to hide
You shouldn't even be here
You've had your chance
Now we've got the mandate
If you've changed your mind
I'm afraid it's too late
We're concerned
You're a threat
You're not integral
To the project


, Pet Shop Boys

Saturday, July 22, 2006

romances that never were and never will be

sleeping in his sisters bed. thinking about him and not understanding the emotions i was having but knowing that something was really turning me on.
waiting for him to come back so we could do more of what we had done before.
orchestrating some sort of event just to be close to him.
laying in bed crying with pink christmas lights all over my room. my twentysomething world was shaken to its core.
thinking that i lost him. so happy i didnt.

I'll just die if I don't get that recipe

I am trying to be more forthcoming with my opinions (whether they are temporary or permanent). To have a voice about how I feel is much more worthwhile than shrouding things in a Stepford haze created with the sole purpose of not hurting others.

I don't like that outfit.
I like you.
You turn me on and I shouldnt be turned on by you but I am.
Shut Up!!
What you are talking about is dumb.
I am busy.

If I continue to pretend I am ok with things or not express when I am angry happy or sad-- the world will miss out on the wonder that is me.

Just for today, let's just quit pretending and see what happens.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

remind me never to do THAT again

as rob suggested I put my iPod on shuffle and I will comment on whatever the first 5 songs come out of the 2,500+ i have packed on to the damn thing.

1. Courtney Love
Sandra Bernhard
I'm Still Here Dammit!

Sandra Bernhard talking about real or fantasy encounters with Courtney Love. Reminds me of working at Borders in Crystal Lake. Taking my breaks at "The Colonial." Crushing on the straight smart boys. All boys who work in bookstores are terribly neurotic or gay. Or both. Maybe they just get neurotic when there around me! Ha.

2. Sorry Madonna
Confessions on a Dancefloor

This one shouldn't count. This was my favorite song from the album when it came out. "There's more important things than hearing you speak.

3. If I Could Turn Back Time Cher
Live: The Farewell Tour

My goodness! I didn't realize what a dirty little faggot I was. I have such diverse taste in music --- hahahahaha. Listen. I just want to be entertained. I want shiny, pink, glittery sassy music. Not hard to please, very easy to bore. Now I'm talking in beer commercials.

4. When I Think of You Janet Jackson
Chunky Janet! Just they way I like her. Now she's naked all over the place. whatever.

5. Eleanor Put Your Boots
On Franz Ferdinand
You Could Have It So Much Better
Rob is penetrating my iPod.


Wednesday, July 19, 2006

i know your window and i know it's late.

i am a nice person. i am not bad. i am a retarted boy that people feel sorry for. am i saying that to be dramatic and manipulative? i feel lonely. everything is a mess.

pardon me. "tylenol chest congestion" fucking with my brain. everything takes so much work-- the coffee filters, the paper towels, the dishes, the laundry, the vacuuming. i am exhausted. upper respiratory hell-- do i have SARS? how would you know, you're not even listening because you're sleeping. you have a job, you're bringing home the bacon.

never had a chance to see him, no! never heard nothing but bad things about him.

spending too much time trying to go back in time. looking up people from high school-- they are teachers in illinois and hawaii, futures brokers (what in the hell does that mean), realtors, babies, marriages, more babies. the lonely homosexual sits at 1:24 in the morning and writes it all down.

just the moon and me and you

yes i like to watch a lot of tv. yes i like to smoke and eat bad foods and drink diet cokes and sleep a lot and live a life of shit. of shit. of shit shit shit. things people say haunting me. in a real i-should-see-a-therapist mood. i assure you i am fine. just venting, trying to remove the barnacles off my hull. a nautical reference!

administrations, bills and loans, come with me...

i am sorry if you don't understand. i can't explain the whole thing to you. it's too complicated. let's just go to taco bell. that's what it comes down to, doesn't it? let's just hit the taco bell and call it a night. crawl into my bed, my fort made out of blankets with cigarette burns and saliva stains. blecch! gross. i assure you i'm fine. you'd know if it was a cry for help because i'd be calling you. sleep it off. just sleep it off. doing head rolls, cracking my neck, hoping to crack my neck.

talk of circadian rhythms

ok. good. that's it. oh maybe a little bit more. ok now.

Monday, July 17, 2006

I'm hurt.
When they invented so many different ways to kill people.
Things change.
They want to feel safe.
I think you know.
In a different place.
Nope, but you can't undo anything ever really.
It makes some people safer and it kills the other people.
No, but some things are not logical.
I do that too.
Everyone thinks they got the last laugh.
Life isn't ruled by logic.
A word to describe feeling.
Seeing the flames.
You don't like musicals.
You are speaking Japanese.
No. But sex isn't always really good.
When you aren't outside.
Hot, sweaty, sexy, fun.
Hot, sweaty, sexy, fun.
I don't think you ever know, but I'm not one to ask.
Weight lifted off shoulders.
Because it's cold.
You can't, they have to. Alcohol helps.
No, work on yourself and enjoy others for what they are.
I do that too. Nostalgia, I think.
The head, I think.
Try not to hurt others.
Your head.
Your head.

Friday, July 14, 2006

But the summer is not over

Lots to tell you.

Big Brother

"Dr. Will"-- Just found out he is a real doctor! Can you imagine!

I like Big Brother a lot. Hot hot hot hot constantly shirtless dumb guys. Ok maybe they aren't that hot but they are shirtless and thats the only thing that matters. I have never paid attention to this reality show before but it's good old fashioned summer fun, like The Real World was when it first started. Same idea, bunch of people living in a house together, cameras everywhere. Now you can watch full episodes for free on

I am very curious about what they don't show on tv. You can buy a season pass to have webcam access to them whenever you want and I promised myself I will not do that. I will not do.............that......

Kelly Ripa

So funny. Funny lady.

"Tornados in Westchester? What's next, a shark in the bathtub?" Was hilarious at the time.

Thinking about the guy last summer

So there was a guy that I hung out with last summer. I enjoyed hanging out with him. Kissing, etc. We lost touch, he said I had "hidden issues" on his blog. I don't know exactly what hidden issues he discovered because I tend to put everything on the table to begin with. And frankly, I'm glad I don't know what issues he saw because I don't think I can handle anymore than I already know about. But anyway...

He worked late and he would come over at about 12:30 AM to my then new studiopad and we would watch "The Comeback" with Lisa Kudrow or some ridiculous movie of his (after I sat through 'Not Another Teen Movie' I put a stop to his movie picking). Anyway, so yeah it was the middle of the night and there was this cute Italian guy coming over to my house and I enjoyed it. He was smart, happy, upbeat, quirky-- (sometimes talked like Krusty the Clown which was a "hidden issue" I overlooked, thank you very much). But that stopped around Halloween for one reason or another. It was nice to be with someone during the summer.

Monday, July 10, 2006

artwork on tv shows #3

The Golden Girls:
(stage left, in between kitchen and hallway)
"Water Lilies"
Claude Monet
Oil On Canvas

100 spinning chickens

Hey, I made a video for my documentary class about my friend Rob Christopher and his book "100 Spinning Plates." It is now playing at his website (thanks Joey).

Saturday, July 08, 2006

emmy nominations that please me

Outstanding Reality Program

Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List, Bravo, Picture
This Television, Inappropriate Laughter, Inc., Bravo
Producers TBA

Outstanding Directing For A Comedy Series

The Comeback, Valerie Does Another Classic Leno,
HBO, Working Class and Is Or Isn’t Entertainment in
association with HBO Entertainment
Michael Patrick King, Director

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series

The Comeback, HBO, Working Class and Is Or Isnt
Entertainment in association with HBO Entertainment
Lisa Kudrow as Valerie Cherish

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Miniseries Or A Movie

A Little Thing Called Murder, Lifetime, Grand
Productions and Stonemade Entertainment in association
with Fox Television Studios for Lifetime Television
Judy Davis as Sante Kimes

dream on a july morning

i am at my old high school walking around. somehow end up in my science teacher's class. he doesnt remember me.
he tries to explain something to me using a sports metaphor. i tell him i will not understand what he is talking about if he uses that analogy. he then decides to use a "lord of the rings" analogy. again, i explain that i have no idea what he's talking about.
during all this he is writing some information on a car window. he asks me what my last name is and he writes my last name on the car window. he asks me where i live so he can determine how to spell it. i tell him i live in illinois, he asks "prairie?" meaning i guess that there is a "prairie style spelling" to my last name. he spells it wrong.
i speak to some of my old classmates who are attending a work program class. they are practicing waiting on tables. i tell one girl that i have never been a waiter before and that i have always been afraid of it. she tells me she felt the same way.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

in the evidence of it's brilliance

i am really enjoying the whole space shuttle thing and watching a lot of nasa tv. there is a video of the interior of the space shuttle during liftoff! so crazy. i can't imagine what it must feel like to sit inside that thing. i have come to terms with the fact that i will probably not do that. i can barely stay focused long enough to turn in a psychology paper.

i don't think i would be as nervous on the space shuttle as i am on airplanes. what i don't like about airplanes is the fact that everybody pretends its normal to be sitting inside that thing and reading magazines and watching movies while you are flying superfast. if everyone treated it like a daredevil experience i would be a lot more comfortable.

Monday, July 03, 2006

artwork on tv shows

I am collecting artwork seen on tv shows. Here is what I have so far:

The Cosby Show:
(living room, stage right wall, above mantel)
Funeral Procession
Ellis Wilson
c. 1950s
oil on composite board
30.5" x 29.25"

Three's Company:
(living room, stage right, by window)
"The Flapper," Life Magazine Cover
Frank X. Leyendecker
February 2, 1922
Framed Poster of Magazine Cover

(origially girls apt, living room, stage left, above television)
"Aux Buttes Chaumont," Advertising
Jules Cheret
Framed Poster of Advertisement

I Love Lucy:
The Star (Etoile)
Edgar Degas
1876 - 77
pastel on monotype
60 x 44 cm

(foyer, stage right)
A Girl With A Broom

Rembrandt Workshop (Possibly Carel Fabritius)
oil on canvas
107.3 x 91.4 cm

do you think it's clean?

i can't think anymore about star jones and rosie o'donnell or my head will explode. today i watched a lot of tv. intervention-- some chick taking heroin and crack, goes to rehab and then starts doing drugs again. that's what i hate about that show. roseanne 8 hour marathon. will and grace friends david letterman. the list goes on.

wbbm newsradio 78 on very low in the background. bought huge bag of skittles and some diet coke. have to write a paper on someone i know very well, using three different personality theories to describe them. going to do it on myself. seems dangerous to do it on anyone else-- who am i to dissect someones personality (on paper)?

the problem today is that i didnt drink any coffee. ha, as if that's the only problem.

and yes, since you asked, i think i would like to go in an isolation tank. i am curious but would never do it. too claustrophobic and crazy.

taking vitamins but still don't look like the guy on the box. false advertising.

way to many skittles (and cigarettes). stomach hurts.

Friday, June 30, 2006

deleted scenes

here are some blog posts that i never finished or never posted:


i just looked in the mirror. who is this person with the long hair? who are you-- long haired freako boy? cut your hair and shape up! i want a shaved clean cut haircut. none of this sissy shit. tip top shape. i want a haircut that makes sense. it confuses me.

its such a neurotic thing i've started with this hair.

I'd like to know where you got the notion...

Yesterday, I downloaded a bunch of disco songs. During my trip on the bus to school down Lakeshore drive I listened to "Rock The Boat" by the Hues Corporation. The waves were really outstanding and the disco horns and strings and my caffeine high had me in a Studio54-cocaine-promiscuous-sex trance.

I never did cocaine, thank god. It would be the end of me. I am so addicted to cigarettes, I can't imagine what I would be like with "blow". A long long time ago I went to a party and was offered me some. Luckily, a friend told me that with my history of

a day in the life

My current routine. I get up at about 6 AM-ish when I have school. Smoke a cigarette in bed, dangerously half asleep. Put some coffee on. Usually turn NPR on but don't listen at all. Take my pills: Lexapro, Trileptal, Prilosec. Brush my teeth, put on some deodorant, get dressed. Set my microwave timer for when I have to leave the house. Sit down at my computer, smoke and drink coffee and an Ensure, surf the web.

This is my favorite time of the day.

The microwave timer goes off. I push it another ten minutes or so. Finally get up and put on my jacket - making sure that I have my cellphone.

I go out to the bus stop which is, thankfully, very close to my apt. I study the other people waiting. Decide who is hot and who is not, all while listening to my iPod on shuffle.

Get on the bus, saying hello to the busdriver- probably very loudly becuase I have my iPod on. Sit in my usual seat. I like this bus route because I can see the lake in the morning. As people get on, I am continuing my scan for my boyfriend. Deciding which one I am in love with and try to decide if he is in love with me.

I am drinking coffee out of a stainless steel travel mug so I start to get all hyped up on caffeine and the initial yet very temporary speedy effects of my antidepressants. I decide to text message people stupid things. These text messages are usually regretted by the end of the day.


today in documentary class we watched the first 30 minutes of "fahrenheit 911", "fahrenHYPE 911" and "outfoxed," which i thought i would hate- just because im so done with those documentaries- but that blank screen with just the audio in "fahrenheit 911" when the twin towers are hit always gets me. so effective as you sit there and your imagination paints the picture- incredible.

i went outside for two smokes on my break and this guy literally jumps me for a cigarette. "give me one of those camels!" for a minute i think about saying no, but he is essentially mugging me for a cigarette, so i pull one out.

"I shouldn't have done that, jumping up on you like that."

I am silent.

"I'm from New Orleans. Chicago is crazy. There's actually burros and shit. I thought New Orleans was big," as he lights the cigarette he mugged me for with the lighter I give him.

"You a student."




"Television? So you go to school and when your done here what do you think your gonna do? Direct?"


"Well they sure need more writers. They're running out of ideas in Hollywood. Now I see they are doing 'Curious George'. I saw that and I said shit... Next they're gonna do 'Puff the Magic Dragon' or some shit."

"You are right."

"When they do a movie of Voltron, you know it's all over."

On my way back upstairs to watch more movies that I've already seen I decide that he has put into words basically about the same amount of information that I am paying $900,000 to hear.

That's not exactly true. My self esteem and general sanity is worth all the money that I am putting into this college song and dance. Being forced to get up, to read and to write, to be exposed occasionally to new things


just got a 24 pack of dasani from peapod. water. uh! interesting. not so bad.

watermelon. watersports. watershow. waterskis. waterfall.

when i had my first meltdown that involved illegal substances and a major freak out and post it notes posted all over my parents kitchen when i was in a blackout. i checked myself into a hospital. parents were called and my dad picked me up and took me

Chapter One

We are riding along in a car in front of a green screen.

there's only ONE STAR on the jeremy show


In preperation for spending a week with my parents I am trying to tell my DVR not to record every I Love Lucy and Brady Bunch and it has frozen up. Apparently it does not understand how I don't want to do that.

The Six Steps


As I'm sure I've said before in at least one of our many conversations I worked at McDonald's for ten years. They always say pass on your wisdom, pay it forward- so here's some valuable information I learned. Print it out and use it as a "cheat sheet" for your first day at work. I hope this will bring you the happiness and good fortune that it has to me.

The Six Steps for taking an order at McDonald's

1. Greet the Customer

"Welcome to McDonald's can I take your order?"
"Hi, Can I help you?"
"What can I get you today?"
"Hey Wanda, glad to see you're back on your feet after the boating accident. You're usual today?"

Pretty easy. The key is to vary it. Don't say the same thing to each coustomer. They may begin to suspect that you are going through the emotions or even get the impression that you don't like your job that much. Oh! Don't forget to smile. And not a fake smile. I want a real toothy, tingly, just can't contain yourself smile. Good, this is the first step, the rest will be a cakewalk.

2. Take the order

Now this might sound easy. It's just punching in whatever the customer says, right? WRONG! Taking the order is all about active listening. You ever heard that, active listening? Active listening is really engaging yourself in the communication process with your customer. You should be giving eye contact while the customer speaks, letting the customer know that you care about what sandwich or value meal choices they are making.

**Really Important** Never, ever say "Will that be all?" or "Is that it?" when you feel like the customer is wrapping up. We don't want to close the door on the oppurtunity for the customer to make more selections. Instead, try "Do you feel like a Fruit N' Yogurt Parfait today?" or "Did you want to try our new Chicken Selects?"

Also, I've noticed that the one thing that new people like you forget is to ask "Is this for here or to go?" Don't forget to ask. Otherwise, at this point you're standing like a deer in headlights trying to remember what to do next. Don't be an idiot.

3. Assemble the order
Okay, so now we know if it's for here or to go so either grab the appropriate sized bag or put the sanitized tray with a trayliner on the counter.

The first thing you want to do is make the drinks. We can let the drink run while we're getting the rest of the items.

Next, we get the sandwich. If the sandwich isn't ready DON'T GET THE FRIES. Return to the counter and move to step 4.

4. Present the order
Presentation is the key to any good meal. Place all the items on the tray if the order is for here. The drink should not be touching the sandwich or the fries. Remember, hot stays hot, cool stays cool. If the order is to go, place the items in the bag correctly (don't mash it all together). The bag should be crisp and double folded and faced toward the customer with the golden arches faced out.

5. Receive Payment
Start with, "Okay, you're order today is [insert total] today." The customer will present you with a bill. Enter the money given on the cash register. Discreetly place half of the money given into your pocket and give the customer the change out of the drawer.

6. Than

Monday, June 26, 2006

Shows I record

These are shows I record on my Comcast DVR (generic TIVO) and my thoughts.

I'm actually getting to the point where I have seen a lot of them. They must only have a certain number that they buy in the syndication package or whatever, because I know there are more. Same thing happened with Will and Grace.
Golden Girls
I do believe I have seen them all. Sometimes, I just need to go to Miami and hang with the ladies.
A renewed interest in Jennifer Aniston and Lisa Kudrow. I am so not interested in the on again off again boring relationship with Ross and Rachel. How did this show survive that? Did people really care?
Larry King
Larry is really out to lunch. Asking a male to female transexual if she plans to carry a baby, "I don't have a uterus Larry." He does get all the big names: Tammy Faye, Liz Taylor, Mary Kay Laterno.
Simple Life: Till Death Do Us Part
I had never watched this show before and it really is a steaming pile of crap. I really like watching Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie though. I wish that they would do a "true" reality show on them. I think that would be really interesting.
***Lovespring International
A new show on Lifetime about a like dating service that has received really good reviews. Funny people on it-- the blond cop from Reno 911 and the lesbian woman from Best In Show and others. Very funny and very unLifetime like. Sean Hayes guest starred as a straight man who ate his wife.
David Letterman
Just to make sure I don't miss Madonna or Amy Sedaris or someone.
Inside The Actors Studio
I usually delete them right away. I will not watch a two hour interview with Dustin Hoffman zzzzzz. But,I know there is someone that he had on that I missed.
Strangers with Candy
Always good.
Conan O'Brien
Same with David Letterman.
Usually delete.
***Regis and Kelly
***The View

These are my oxygen. I am addicted.
***Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List
Absolutely Fabulous
Need a fix every once in awhile.
***Kath and Kim
Australian ABFAB. Reminds me how confused yet delighted I was when I first saw ABFAB. Favorite quotes, "Look at me, Look at mooey, Look at MOOOOEEYY" and adding "late stage" to anything. "I can't be bothered by that at this late stage."
***My Fair Brady
Um yeah, Christopher Knight's bare chest in almost every scene. Creepy but can't take my eyes off of it.
60 Minutes
I always delete this. Never ever watch it.
Big Brother 7: All Stars
I decided this will be my summer obsession.
America's Got Talent
So You Think You Can dance

Hate both of these American Idol ripoffs. They might be good but I can't watch them because I feel like I'm cheating on American Idol.
Show about a bunch of boring people who win the lottery, including Luke Perry. Thought it would be good but it sucks.
Oprah After The Show
I do watch this. It never fails in every episode Oprah says- "God speaks in whispers," and "That's when I really 'got it," and some sort of reference to how having billions of dollars doesn't change anything. Love it.
Sunday Morning Shoot Out
AMC show about the movie business. Don't really watch it anymore. It's interesting though.
Saturday Night Live
on summer break
on summer break

Thursday, June 22, 2006

die another day

im gonna wake up yes and no

i am having an upper endoscopy on friday. it is to see whats blocking my esophagus. the doctor is pretty sure its a stricture (scar tissue in my esophagus) caused by acid reflux. if so, they will dilate my esophagus and i should be better. this is all outpatient (heavily medicated, however) and should not interefere with my various engagements during the gay pride weekend. i don't really have anything lined up but i am going and i like to pretend i have a big group --but it will probably be just me with concealed alcohol.

sigmund freud...analyze this, analyze this, analyze this this this

thanks to everyone who has sent flowers and dvd boxsets. my apartment is overflowing with life affirming precious moments figurines and slightly risque softcore get well cards.

i'm gonna destroy my ego

today i studied my art history from Renaissance to Rococo, Bernini to Canova. Went to my doctor. Purchased the new Madonna DVD+CD. Ate popcorn and eggs.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

takin care of business

I wrote to IMAX hoping they would play Madonna's "I'm Going To Tell You A Secret" concert documentary in Chicago as they did in Montreal. I received two very prompt and thorough yet regretful replies. All you can do is ask, ya know? Anyway, the DVD is out.

Still struggling with the not swallowing well thing. I almost left class and went home today but decided to stay-- after I had a NAKED fruit juice thing. Delicious and refreshing.

Walking around school is weird. I rarely ever talk to anyone throughout the day. Just me and my backpack and my cigarettes. I probably talk to more homeless people than I do students. And then I get on the bus and try and figure out what people's lives are like, real nosy. Try to see what they are reading, listening to, what they are wearing, etc. I suppose everyone does this.


Tuesday, June 13, 2006

jeremy no eat

folks! i cant swallow. yeah. i cant swallow food. i don't know if it's the big C or damage to my esophagus due to prolonged acid reflux disease or GRID or avian flu or some freudian thing with my mother-- but i can't swallow. this has been going on for awhile now and i have been quiet about it. suffering in silence like elizabeth taylor. but it's out. it's probably nothing or could be something. i don't know.

today my only fuel was one ensure and coffee and gatorade and the very innapropriate pack of cigarettes which has probably contributed to or IS the cause of my mysterious ailment. not all that mysterious, really.

this no eating makes me feels like i am walking around on shaky high heels. in a fog. things seem slightly curious. alice in wonderlandish. i have acheived that point of "take it or leave" hunger. too much of a hassle.

forgot that i had an art history quiz today. you can't bullshit your way through an art history quiz. you can't sort of make up titles and authors and patrons:

"naked lady with big butt lays on couch while other lady does something in the background" by albert wackfhelsouiigohnson commisioned by mary kate and ashley olsen for the equinox celebration in florence, italy

that's not going to fly. 10 point quiz in the garbage. whatever. i'll make it up with some extra credit. assuming at some point in the future that i can eat. which right now seems like a silly assumption.

depression/anxiety don't help either. especially when your doctor won't refill a prescription for two days because his office staff is a pack of monkeys!! between yesterday and today i called his office eight times trying to get my doctor to call in a prescription. walgreens the same. apparently my role is to be the liason between my doctors office and walgreens.

doctors office says "have walgreens fax us"
walgreens says "we faxed them"
doctors office says "we have no fax"
walgreens says "we faxed them already"
jeremy says "i know but my doctors office says you didnt"
doctors office says "we stll havent received it"
jeremy says "cant you call them or fax them"
doctors office says "no, just have them fax us"
jeremy says "they did"
doctors office says "can you have them do it again?"
walgreens says "we already did, but i guess we can do it again."
jeremy says "thanks"
doctors office says "we still havent received the fax"
and on and on and on until i go to walgreens and they tell me my prescription was DENIED
at this point i feel like i am really going to really slam my head against the brick wall outside of walgreens.
doctors office says "it wasn't denied we just called it in"
walgreens says "yeah we have it, it will be two hours"

during my wait at walgreens i buy a blender and macaroni and cheese. i get my prescription, go home and wash out the blender, put some macaroni and cheese in the blender-- it actually tasted really good (being my first real food of the day). as i am trying to get the pureed macaroni and cheese out of the blender and into a bowl. it's not coming out so well and i try to shake the heavy mixture of mac and cheese
into the glass bowl and the bowl breaks in half.

i considered eating it off the two sides of the broken bowl but decided that i didn't want pieces of glass in my throat at this point. so, i wash the blender out and add ravioli with meat sauce (something i dont even like) into the blender. after blending it-- it was literally one of the most disgusting things i have tasted in my life. i throw that way. my sink at this point looks like a Roman Vomitorium. i decided to forgoe the eating tonight.

i have to write two papers tomorrow and study for a psych quiz. i am very curious how that will happen. also called a gastroenterologist for an appointment. like thats going to happen. hi i have no insurance but i cant swallow. can you make it so i can swallow food please? thanks.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

the walking dead

christy on recent "oprah after the show" is introduced by oprah as a woman who smokes two packs of cigarettes "every. single. day." the woman starts to explain why she smokes, why she wants to quit etc, and before she can finish oprah starts in...

"i'm looking at you and i see myself, fifteen years ago and the real truth is that you've gone- unconscious. you are completely absent in your life, that's what i see..."

christy says she also eats too much and watches a lot of soap operas and volunteers a lot. dr. robin and oprah theorize on why and how and what and who christy is for awhile while christy begins to cry and tries to take it all in and then says:

"my deepest desire for doing this show is to accelerate humanity...i want to leave this earth knowing i did it, i did it. i fulfilled. my. humanity. (applause) and that is my desire, that is my deepest purest desire for people who watch this show is to get that. the same as i am striving for that. for you to understand that this for me is not just about a show... it's about you receiving a moment of clarity about what's going on with you. and im telling you this..YOU ARE THE WALKING DEAD."

the walking dead.

so i was sort of moved by this, in that i smoke and watch a lot of tv and i often do feel like i am removed from "humanity." i finished watching the show feeling like i should maybe be more in touch with the world and less with my addictions. i started watching another "oprah" and she began the show by DOING A SHOT OF TEQUILA with Matthew McConaughey.

whatever oprah. way to "accelerate humanity." rip christy a new asshole for smoking a few too many menthols while watching "all my children" and then turn around and do a shot of tequila.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

over the hedge

im going to go see "over the hedge" with my nephew today. out of the kids movies that are available, i wanted to go see "RV." He has already seen both but decided on "over the hedge."

went to target and almost purchased some shorts and a dr. pepper t-shirt but stopped myself. i think we need to move on from wacky slogan tees. where that leaves us, i dont know.

am i mistaken or do the crystal lake women want a piece of jeremy ass? the lady at subway was chatting me up-- something about how when she gets off she is going to go fly a kite. and the lady at white hen pantry could have sworn she saw me this morning. cool it ladies.

**** "over the hedge" was good. my nephew was right. steve carell was very funny as a manic squirrel. i thought he was a fox-- but he is a squirrel. which was pretty dumb because he was collecting nuts the whole time. i stand corrected.

crystal lake

I have spent a week in Crystal Lake.

Yesterday I went to Best Buy for the second time and tried to figure out something to buy to amuse myslef with while I'm here. Like a DVD box set or something. I almost purchased the new "9 to 5" DVD. It had outtakes and audio commentary by the ladies. Then I realized that I would just watch it once and it would sit with all my other DVDs-- never watched. Except for Absoultley Fabulous. I can watch those over and over.

This was the second time I had gone to Best Buy and there is this girl who came up each time and really got in my face asking if I needed any help and assuring me that if I decided I did need help that she would be there. Here name was Heidi, she had braces and I wanted to strangle her.

I saw Kathy Griffin on Wednesday at the old movie theater which is now a perfoming arts center. It is the same movie theater that I saw "Beaches" and "Batman" and "Jaws 4" at. Kathy Griffin was hilarious-- could have listened to her forever.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Win Dinner at McDonalds with Me


A mind blowing evening of conversation, laughter and tears is all yours for the right price. The highest bidder will win a private 1 & 1/2 hour dinner with Jeremy at the fast food resturaunt of his/her choice (in Chicago) on the date of his/her choice. The money will go directly from eBay to Better Existence With HIV in Evanston (Chicagoland).

The mission of Better Existence With HIV is to improve the lives of people with HIV and AIDS in the communities it serves through a comprehensive range of quality public services, to inform the public about the virus and risk reduction behavior, and to increase understanding and compassion for people with HIV and AIDS.

tressant supreme

Thursday, May 25, 2006

skewl stuff

Some stuff I did for school the last couple semesters, thought I'd share it with you

For Western European History, I made these Russian "Pop"aganda posters...






This is my final project for oral history. I interviewed a Greek American gentleman and decided to remix the best quotes from the interview into a song by Air called "Alone in Kyoto." The voice is a computer text to speech robot. Have a listen.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

jeremy's official american idol statement

I feel like I should make some sort of statement after watching almost every American Idol show this season. It was really fun. I have never done that before, watched something that religiously. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Dionne Warwick and Burt Bacharach sang tonight. Fantastic! She looks great.

And Prince sang!! I remember when I was little I used to think Prince was creepy and Michael Jackson was normal. Well the tables have certainly turned on that one. Delightful!

Before the results were announced Katharine and Taylor sang "I've Had The Time Of My Life." So much fun.

Taylor Hicks won of course. I really wish Elliot had won, I would had to have been hospitalized. I would have been so happy.

I can't wait for next season.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Call England

At the end of the day in junior high, I felt amazed that I made it through another day and deep dread knowing that I would have to go through it all again. After school, I could go home on the bus or hang around after with Kara and or Heather and then walk to my grandparents house- my dad would stop there on his way home from work and then take me home.

Actually, I think it was Heather and I who would hang around afterschool for a little bit. There was wrestling practice in the little gym behind the bigger gym. I don't remember the goal of hanging around the wrestling practice area. I do remember the smell of what must have been the gym floor or the polish they used to clean the gym floor. There were candy and pop machines which seemed so decadent. If I had change to buy stuff it was like an orgy of cheetohs and snickers and cherry cokes.

There was a payphone there which I would use to call my mother and tell her I didnt take the bus home. The phone was also used to "Call England." There was some 1-800 number that you could call and a british woman would answer and then you would hang up feeling satisfied that you called England.

It was a terrifying time in my life, as junior high is to most kids. Girls getting periods all over white pants...there was a boy in our school that used to say "You beat off" as a casual insult. However, I really thought he had some inside information on me.

I'm With Stupid

I enjoy the Pet Shop Boys new album "Fundamental", escpecially the single "I'm With Stupid." It is about George Bush and Tony Blair.

See you on the TV
Call you every day
Fly across the ocean
Just to let you get your way
No one understands me
Where I'm coming from
Why would I be with someone
Who's obviously so dumb?
Love comes
Love grows
Every time you rise to meet me
Take my hand to greet me
Love comes
Love grows
And power can give a man
Much more than anybody knows

Before we ever met
I thought like everybody did
You were just a moron
A billion-dollar kid
You flew up all the way
Like a hawk chasing a dove
I never thought that I would be
A sacrifice in love
It comes
It grows
And now we're tied together
Everybody knows

Is stupid really stupid
Or a different kind of smart?
Do we really have a relationship
So special in your heart?

I have to ask myself
Like any lover might:
Have you made a fool of me?
Are you not Mr Right?
You grin
I pose
It's not about sincerity
Everybody knows

Is stupid really stupid
Or a different kind of smart?
That's how you stole my heart
I'm with Stupid

Thursday, May 18, 2006

desperation interrogation

mr. wells, did you watch all of these shows last night that you recorded-- kath and kim, two episodes of the view, two episodes of ellen, one episode of regis and kelly, one episode of larry king live with guests donnie and marie osmond?
how do you feel about donnie and marie?
marie was freaking me out. something is wrong with her. donnie seems to be together. i just wish they both weren't so zombie-esque about their religion. that's never fun.
what else did you do?
i listened to the audiobook of desperation by stephen king read by kathy bates.
is it scary?
somewhat...but i like kathy bates, so this is why i continue to listen. i prefer audiobooks read by females. i also liked "rose madder" -also by stephen king, read by blair brown who is my favorite audio book reader.
how did you feel about american idol?
i was dissapointed. i voted five times for elliot yasmin. i cried a little when they did the piece about him going home and meeting the governor and stuff. i was very ashamed of myself for crying, so i stopped.
how did you sleep?
ever since i can remember i have had restless leg syndrome, before it even had a name. that bothered me last night.
how are you feeling now?
im feeling good this morning, as usual. i am going to a focus group about healthcare. then i am going to see kara perform at the lincoln lodge. you should go.
i am you.
i know.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

think of it as personality dialysis

lalalalala you'll be popular, just not quite as popular as meeeeeeeeeeeeee.

this song makes me happy. im just getting into the "wicked" soundtrack.


mood swings much?

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

falling down

bad mood started when an old alcoholic man told me that i was in his seat on the metra.

i walked onto the metra and sat down at a completely empty seat. a guy who was looking out the window on the other side of the train walked up to me and told me to move, that it was "his seat." no bags or tickets or any other markings to indicate that it was "his seat." i was so shocked that i moved and then got angry with myself for moving.

then goddam phone company sent me a "reconditioned" replacement phone. the phone and the battery did not work. so i had to go to the sprint store. after thirty minutes they replaced the battery and then after another thirty minutes they replaced the phone.

i am having a lot of difficulty with customer service lately. god bless every last one of them, but i just want my shit and i want my shit to work and i don't want to have to do a cakewalk and jump through hoops to get my shit. total breakdown. m*therf*ck!


Today I worry about Siegfried and Roy. Has Siegfried had to find a new lover, since Roy was attacked by that tiger? Or maybe they stopped being intimate years ago. Perhaps their bond was only made more strong by the accident. I just imagine the fights in German behind closed doors. Are there money problems? That's never good for a relationship. I wish them the best.

Growing up during WWII Germany must have been so hard. Putting on magic shows for their distant fathers. Their fathers knowing that something wasn't normal. Then finding each other and building an incredible life together, only to be brought down by the very claws and teeth that they so lovingly cared for.

According to Maria Shriver's documentary "Siegfried and Roy: Miracle," the two are getting by. Or is it just another beautiful show? These are the questions I ask while I have my morning coffee.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

i want a russian boyfriend

Just finished watching "The Moscow Skysraper" on the Sundance Channel. I have decided that I want to move to Russia and meet a very attractive Russian gentleman and we will live in the Moscow skyscraper.

Vodka and violent love! Plaster falling off the ceiling. Chasing out rats. Cooped up in the skyscrpaer and doing what we can to survive. I guess there isn't much more to this fantasy. But I'm really into it. This is probably all very offensive but I don't care.

It is not difficult to pretend I am in Russia today. I am cold and am smoking less than delicious cigarettes.

It is good to be away from school for a bit so I can indulge myself in romantic international fantasies.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

2 cokes 1 sprite

My teacher emailed me to ask me if I could bring in something for an end-of-semester potluck party for the class. I really struggled with what to bring. I emailed her back- "Pop?" She said "Great, Thanks!"

I felt really uncomfortable with my decision. What is this third grade? "I'll bring pop!" Stupid, I'm so stupid. Why did I say that?

I have had such low self esteem lately that the simple act of bringing a beverage to a classroom party sent me into a tailspin. I went to the 7-11 and almost started crying. Do people even drink pop? Is that totally stupid? And what do I pick out? Coke? Diet Coke? It all started seeming so ridiculous to me.

I chose to buy 2 Coke and 1 Sprite 2 liters. Would people laugh at my choices? It just seemed so ridiculous. "What's with the Sprite, dork?"

I went to class and had my bags of coca cola and sprite and 2 sleeves of styrofoam cups. Jesus Christ! Big fat Styrofoam cups. "Nice cups, asshole. Why'd you get THESE." I wanted to put the bags on a table and sit down quickly so no one would notice what idiot brought them in. There was no table. I had to sit with my two bags at my desk.

Eventually, we set out all the bags of chips and assorted junk food on desks that were pushed together. People started making little plates of chips and to my surprise they started filling their cups with coke and sprite. No one cackled in laughter. No one said "Whoever brought the coke is really stupid!" People simply drank the coke.

I looked around after awhile and many people had styrofoam cups filled with what I bought at the 7-11. They didn't seem to think it was abnormal or stupid in anyway.

It was seriously one of the nicest things that happened all week.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006


so i marched in the march on monday. i dont know too much about the issue, i know its incredibly complex-- my basic feeling is that its ridiculous to criminalize millions of people who live in america, have american born children and who work in the shadows of the "legal america." who is a real american?

anyway, because my gay and lesbian studies class was being held right about where the march was taking place (jackson and michigan) our teacher cancelled the class-- but encouraged us to go if we were interested. i was.

i started out very shyly-- as i saw probably two or three "european" faces in the whole march. as many have reported it was crazy huge. a life changing moment. i walked with or on the periphery of the march past michigan and up to grant park. when i got to grant park people started calling me "honky" and asked me if i was in the wrong march. i didn't feel like putting up with this for another three hours, so i stepped out of the march and watched it go by. im a pussy.

the chicago march, at least from what i saw was predominatly hispanic. not many "supporters" at all. in other cities (from what i saw on the television) it wasn't wasn't this way.

it's all tied together. if you do not fit into what those who make the laws see as "american" and "right" then you are unnecessary, disposable, invisible. thats essentially what this is about. the march was a demonstration to show how necessary every american (legal or not) really is. corporations (including my old stomping ground mcdonalds) have been megaprofiting by paying low wages and attracting and accepting those who will work for these wages. to criminalize these americans now is a day late and $5.15 short.

bush is hesitant to support this bill, not because he is suddenly benevolent to illegal immigrants, but because corporations are his homies.

american idol is on. wells, out.

Friday, April 28, 2006


i spent a wonderful evening watching suzanne somers sell a deep fryer on qvc. really a delight! i almost sent out an emergency mass email to alert everyone to turn on hsn, but i stopped myself. i regret that. the good news is that somers will be on hsn all weekend selling chocolate maple truffle bars, raspberry mousse, facial toning machines and on and on. set your dvrs and vcrs.

last night was the first night that i almost picked up the phone and spent the last twenty dollars in my checking account on a suzanne somers product. the product was an oversized decorative tea cup with a built in infuser. i almost bought it for my mom for mothers day. it looked like something out of alice in wonderland. the cup looked like a flower and the saucer it rested on looked like a leaf. suzanne kept saying that the leaf also looked like a heart. i didnt think it looked like a heart. i mean it did, sort of, but that wasnt the point.

they kept talking it up and gushing over the damn thing and you could see how fast they were selling as they kept oohing and ahhing. it was orgasmic. and then it sold out. the host and suzanne congratulated everyone who got it and i had to accept that i didnt get it.

seriously, im not fucking around. watch hsn this weekend. it will change your life.

"Suzanne brings you products she develops and uses herself - so you know she absolutely adores them. Now every woman can experience the world as a goddess."

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I get by faking my recovery

I want to have parties.
I want to have a boyfriend.
I want to- want to stop smoking.
I want to live in a little bungalow in the Los Angeles. So I can have afternoon visits from my very hilarious friends. They love me and I love them.
I want to do crazy drag acts.
I want to live near the ocean or a lake.
I want to thank everyone who has ever helped me, been there for me.
I want my parents to live forever.
I want to go to Studio 54 in the seventies and do coke and have crazy sex and not worry that I will die.
I love Chicago, but I want more- bigger. I want the whole world to be a city.

Monday, April 17, 2006

as if i never said goodbye

had a bad dream about being in a cult. then i had another bad dream that they were making special madonna "confessions on a dancefloor" cigarettes. they had the album cover on the box and the cigarettes were purple. i was really angry because the clerk would not let me buy them for some reason. i was furious.

had easter brunch with my family at the pheasant run resort in st. charles. it was very nice in a suburban vacation desination sort of way. they had a petting zoo for the kids in the parking lot. my three nephews fed chickens and ducks and lots of other vague barnyard animals. goats? sheep? was that a donkey or some sort of retarted horse? anyway, made me want to go on vacation.

the last "vacation" i went on was with Kara to minneapolis for a spoken word convention/festival. this was about 3 years ago. we were to read stuff that we had written at different places in minneapolis. one was a coffee shop with about three people watching. i was out of my mind nervous. i got up to read and i was literally having a seizure, shaking so bad. very funny because it was seriously like reading to three people at a very empty starbucks. i was booked for another "gig" but i cancelled it. that was the last time i "performed" in public (not counting my speech class). the highlight for me was seeing the statue of mary tyler moore throwing her hat up in the air, and we went to a drag show that was pretty good.

i would really like to go to new york in may and see peter and the new sandra bernhard show. also would like to visit heather in arizona. if i had lots of money i would love to take my whole family to disneyworld. i do get very homesick on vacation s. i always want to cut it short.

also, i dont like flying.

Saturday, April 15, 2006


In Crystal Lake for Easter weekend. I spotted American Idol top twenty contestant David Radford (from Crystal Lake Central) in a minivan at the bank. My mom and I were driving home from Chili's and I told her to slow down so I could see if it was really him (he was driving behind us). I kept checking and checking, it was him, it was him.

Everytime I looked I wanted to throw up, I think because he just stared back at me. But so fascinating to me.

I love celebrities. I really do. Can't get enough. Oprah says that worshipping celebrities is dangerous because it takes you off your path to becoming your authentic self. Of course, she says this on television speaking to millions of viewers from her white leather couch.

Happy Easter.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

has anyone ever written anything for you?

The audience will be able to view the shadow of my naked larva body metamorphosing into a butterfly as I descend from the ceiling encased in a neon pink vinyl cocoon. As I fly out on Peter Pan cables singing Billy Joels "Pressure," my glittering wingspan and suprisingly toned shirtless chest will delight all those lucky enough to witness.

Honey, I've been locked up in this studiopad for way to long. It's all been administrative- must do taxes, must fill out financial aid forms, must look on craigslist for jobs half-heartedly, blah, blah, blah.

Everything's coming up manic! We've got Madonna's "Sorry" Pet Shop Boys 7" Remix pulsing on the iPod stereo/alarm clock that I did receive for Christmas from my parents. I LAUGH in the face of Christmas. Christmas is so winter. Christmas is so having to let my parents dog back in and thinking I can do it in my socks, but my socks get snow and ice all over them and I just want to die. But that's all over now.

It's all "Guys Gone Wild" and bodyshots and sand encrusted underwear from here on out. I won't have it any other way. Someone grab me a Corona Light and a pack of smokes-- let's go to the beach.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

towers and trees

It keeps changing.
I see towers
Where there were trees.
All the stillness,
The solitude,
All the time,
When things were beautiful...

All things are beautiful,
All trees, all towers,
That tower-
Beautiful, Mother,
A perfect tree.

Pretty isn't beautiful, Mother,
Pretty is what changes.
What the eye arranges
Is what is beautiful.

-"Beautiful," Sunday In The Park With George