Sunday, February 20, 2005

Healing Ceremony

I invite you now to join a healing ritual I am having for myself. I have turned the lights off in my room and lit a candle that I received a few years back from my friend, Heather. It has a picture of the the Immaculate Heart of Mary on it. This is not a scented candle and I do not have any healing essential oils so I have sprayed Febreez liberally around my room. I smoke the traditional "Camel Lights" throughout the ceremony to summon up the spirits of those who "Walked a Mile for a Camel."

I am listening to Pure Moods which contains songs such as "Sadeness Pt. 1" by Enigma and "The X-Files Theme." I hope this music brings me the optimism of the early 1990's and the surprising sensuality of David Duchovny.

I ask Jesus Christ, Buddah, Mother Nature and Mother Goose
to give me strength in the months that come before me
and also
to give Martha Stewart strength in the rest of her prison sentence, and her five month house arrest.

I will now shut off my monitor and speak only in keyboard
g jlskglhki0-w4khl;k jksdfh jjsjfl;jksjklsjkl;dj klpjk5544sdmkl;skl;k.m,xcl;kdl;

I spread love to all those I have ever known or not known. I apologize to anyone I have ever offended with my words or my foul breath.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

from this moment

Yesterday, I was outside smoking on a break from my science class. A very cute (not hot-cute, more hello kitty-cute) gay guy walked passed and bumped into who I assume was a former teacher.

"Hey we've got to stop running into each other like this."
"How are you doing, you're not in any of my classes this semester."

They went on in easy breezy conversation. I thought if it was me running into an old teacher I wouldn't stop. Maybe a quick "Hi, how are you." But no extended conversation, that could be disastrous. I don't want to do that to myself or anyone else.

So, after exchanging pleasantries, this guy said he was excited because he was planning to go to California and get married to his boyfriend of three and a half years. The teacher became very excited, "Oh my god, that's great, CONGRATULATIONS!!" I wondered if, despite the excitement she demonstrated, she felt a little sick to her stomach. I'm gay and I felt queasy.

Then he went on in nauseating detail about how they were getting some special friend to do the ceremony and how he couldn't believe this was happening to him and how strange life is, one moment you think you are all alone, the next your going to California to have a commitment ceremony.


I know that most or all of my disgust comes from jealousy. I wish I was registering at Target. I wish I had a boyfriend, lover, partner, companion.

People who aren't in relationships are annoyed by those that are. We're happy for you, about as happy as we are for the person that won the lottery. We are the ones sitting, smoking and rolling our eyes (as Kara said last night). Give us that. Let us own that. That's all we have.

I was reading Family Circle or Woman's Day or something at my parent's house and there was this quiz that rated your attractiveness based on questions like, "Do you exercise? Do you take care of your body? Are you passionate about what you do? Are you focused?" No, Piss off.

We'll get there. Just give us a minute!

Monday, February 14, 2005


I was in Las Vegas with one of my classes. I was dissapointed that we were staying at the "Golden Source" hotel rather than the "Golden Nugget" hotel. We were planning a birthday party for someone and it was really lame.

I constantly dream about amusement parks. I think dreaming about Las Vegas was a variation on that. The amusement parks are always dissapointing or never work out. Sometimes I can't get in or the rides are closed, etc.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

but then again, too few to mention

I like to think of myself as a modern day James Dean. Despite the striking physical resemblance I think I truly embody his "Live fast, die young," tragically machismo, sexually ambiguous spirit.

I have been told that I elicit a physical response. People of both sexes have said that they begin to salivate uncotrollably when I walk in a room. As flattering as it is, it can get to be too much. I was born this way. The world is always hanging onto my leg like a sobbing child. I just have to shake it off.

I'm on an endless hike up, trying to reach that unattainable summit of enlightenment. I don't have time for hangers on and lookie-loos. They all want a piece of me and I can't afford to give anymore of myself away.

Can I get you a Diet Pepsi? No? Well, let me know.

Last night, smoking a post coital cigarette with another fashionista, this all came together for me.

She turned to me and said, "Jeremy? Why don't you come back to Italy with me?"

I looked her right in the eyes and said, "Because I don't love you."

She slapped me smartly across the face and screamed at me, calling me a fucking bastard, etc. Thick mascara running down her cheeks.

"Listen," I said, grabbing her face with both hands, "I didn't promise you anything. You knew what you were getting into when you got involved with me."

I held her for hours as her crying took its course, watching the rain come down.

I've been told that I'm hard to get close to: veils and walls and smoke and mirrors. People long to see the workings of my heart, to study the filament that makes it glow so brightly. The journey to my heart is a dangerous trek. Trap doors and jack-in-the-boxes around every corner. But, I promise you, if you're patient and stay late enough into the night you'll find it shining for you, so bright that you think you'll go blind.

Friday, February 04, 2005

suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste

I wake up for six hours or so and then back down. The big ugly baby needs to go back down for his six hour nap and then up again and then back down. When I'm up, my ass is parked right in front of that television.

Let's see I watched a documentary on HBO about people who were born on or before 1900, "A Century of Living." Great older people talking about their lives. Not one of them talked about how they struggled with depression and watched tv all day. No, they worked. They worked their fingers to the bone through World War I, The Great Depression, World War II, etc. They weren't watching infomercials and updating their blogs.

Cathy Mitchell's back! The star of the Turbo Cooker informercial is at it again with the "Chef Wizard" -- "Works like a Whisk, Tongs, Server & more." Cathy's always been there for me. Her energy is infectious and limitless. I wonder what her life is like. I bet she has a nice home in California. Her life is probably very full, with children and grandchildren always over. Having "Turbo Cooker" cookouts. "It's like Grand Central Station around here," she probably says. But I'm sure Cathy treasures the quiet time. Just to sit in her favorite chair and read the latest Patricia Cornwell is what Cathy cherishes most.

Ellen is there for me. On Oxygen every night. I can only take the aqua and bleached wood set in small doses. Time seems to stop on "The Ellen Degeneres Show." Things are a bit too happy, things run a bit too smoothly. I love her, but I'm not sure she knows where I'm coming from.

Now, I was right there with Rosie. We all knew Rosie O'Donnell had a little bonfire in her. One day she rips Tom Selleck a new one, comes out of the closet, cancels her show, leads a Million Mom March, shaves off one side of her hair and starts driving around Miami on a moped with her girlfriend holding on for dear life. I miss Rosie a lot.

Thursday, February 03, 2005


this is a weird thing i wrote a long time ago when i was living in wicker park, i had it saved as a draft...

Now, you might think we're all a bunch of loner, isolated slacker types in Wicker Park. Let me make this very clear. Wicker Park is a tight knit friendly community. It is in a part of Chicago for people who truly like people. And that's so rare in this day and age, don't you find?

Today I took my daily 2:00 walk around the neighborhood. My first stop is always the Alliance Bakery. Cass knows I'm coming. She's got my watery single shot Americano, piping hot, ready for me.

"Havin' your walk Jer?"
"Sure am, Cass"

Cass is great. She's been working at the Alliance for about three years. She needed an extra job after her boyfriend Les knocked her up and split town. I'm not gossiping here. Everyone knows everything about everyone here in "The Park". That's just how we like it. In fact, we're all the ones who convinced Cass to forgoe the abortion and keep the baby. A group of us even went down to the clinic with her and weighed the options with the help of Dr. Casper. Everythings a joint effort. We all worked together: bought the Graco stroller, helped her out with formula, etc.

Cass slipped me a free biscotti (she always does) and sent me on my way east on Division passing the funky, specialized boutiques we're all very proud of. Eyeglass stores, vintage and recycled fashion shops, dentist and chiropractic offices with wonderful hip neon signs.

I stopped and talked to Jarud. You'll recognize Jarud when you meet him. He's the one in the hoodie with the oversized headphones and rolled up tight pants. He's very skinny. It's not that Jarud doesn't eat. Believe me I've seen Jarud finish off a whole batch of "Puppy Chow" all by himself at another one of our potlucks. No, Jarud's got a stubborn tapeworm that's proven to be a real pest this last year. We're all working through it with him, though. Dr. Casper says he's got a new medication he wants to try and we've all got our fingers crossed.

Jarud asked me if I had a chance to listen to the new mix cd he made me. I lied and said I loved it (Jarud's given me so many of these cd's and I just don't have the time to sit and listen to every single one. I'll get to it. I've just been so busy). Jarud handed me a flyer for a dance party way out in Lakeview. I laughed and said, "Lakeview Jarud? Come on. That's two bus rides away. You go and enjoy yourself." He's a great kid.

I needed to stop into the bank. Now, we're all very good with our money in Wicker Park. We have a financial workshop the first Thursday of every month at Wendy's with Janet Gamke. We sit down with a baked potato and a Frosty and hash it all out with Janet. She's a financial resource management consulting analyst and she helps us decide where to invest our monies. We all like Janet a lot. She is very direct and gives us no nonsense advice about being smart with what we earn. Her motto is "A dime in your pocket ain't gonna sprout roots and grow into a tree." We're not stupid in Wicker Park, we just need someone like Janet who's going to explain it to us in a language we can understand.

After I deposited my check for working on Mrs. Kehrblow's website (she's the oldest living resident and she created an online Wicker Park only dating/arranged marriage service that's doing really well) I ran into Ben. Ben does have an alcohol problem. He stands outside the bank and asks if you have any spare change. He knows we love him but we just can't give him money everyday so he can go by another bottle of Lime Schnapps (his favorite). You have to be tough love with Ben.

"How are you today Jeremy?"
"Doing good, Ben, yourself?"
"I'm taking it one day at a time, went to that meeting you told me about at the church."
"Great job Lionel. Listen, if you ever need someone to go with or just need someone to talk with you know who to call on."
"Sure do, Jeremy, see you later."

We all think Ben's really making progress.

I headed back home and saw that a new couple was moving in next door to me. I didn't hear anything about this at our last meeting so, I was a bit taken back. Nice looking couple. I didn't try to start a conversation, I just said hello to them. We'll get to know each other better when they're all settled in.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

favorite songs

All your wishing has finally come true, I am finally posting some of my all time favorite songs ever, to date. The first five people who email me will receive a free cd of all these songs. (Stealing this idea from friend, Rob)

Email me now!!
Just include your mailing address in your email.

1. "Causing A Commotion" by Madonna

This is my all time favorite Madonna song. Its synthesized cartoon pop, just the way I like it. Think of a Japanamition 1987 Madonna in a boxing ring.

2. "I Wanna Stay Home" by Jellyfish

I listened to this song when I was a freshman in high school. I walked to my grandma's house for lunch with my headphones on. When I got there I ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and watched The Match Game. I wished I could just stay home all day (away from the rat race of high school) watching game shows. Be careful what you wish for.

3. "So Hard" by The Pet Shop Boys

The trip my roommate and I took to San Francisco after high school was the best week of my life. After a mind blowing (literally) night we decided to go to a nude beach (why not?) and decided to walk through The Presidio to get there. It was such a long long long walk and I was so so so hungover. We stopped at The Body Shop and bought some sort of after sun spray and kept spraying it all over us. Annnywayy, I remember listening to this song a lot. A very dramatic pop song about a stormy gay relationship.

4. "Come Back to Me" by Janet Jackson

The video for this song has a pre plastic surgery, not anorexic, natural looking Janet wandering through a foggy, rainy morning in Paris lamenting a lost love. It's a pretty basic unrequited love song. I just like to pretend that I am in a foggy, rainy morning in Paris lamenting a lost love when I listen to it. Janet's voice is so soft, so tender mixed deliciously with rain sound effects. What more could you ask for, really?

5. "Goodye Earl" by Dixie Chicks

Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks is the cutest punk rock/country chick since Dolly Parton and there was no need for her to apologize for dissing George W. This is a very happy song about a woman poisoning her husband. When my sister and my nephew and I went to California we listened to this song a lot. My nephew, who was about three, knew all the lyrics by heart and sang along. My mom thought it was inappropriate.

6. "Crackers" by Barbara Mandrell

This was my first favorite song. It's simple, it gets to the point. Basically, if you come back to me, you can eat crackers in my bed.

7. "Sunday Morning" by No Doubt

This song reminds me of a camping trip I took with friends. We took a van to somewhere in Wiconsin and I insisted on listening to this song a lot and I would put on a performance. Happy, fun, California, citrusy, juicy song.

8. "Just When I Needed You Most" by Dolly Parton

I was in love with a boy and realized it would never work out, because he was well, straight. (If you are wondering who this was, it doesn't really matter. It happens with all my straight male friends, comes with the territory, I get over it. Don't flatter yourselves, fellas.) So, for what seemed like forever I stayed in my basement room at my parents feeling sorry for myself. I purchased electric pink Christmas lights and hung them bordering the ceiling of my room. It cast this heartsick pink glow and I let Dolly comfort me.

9. "Here Comes the Flood" by Peter Gabriel

This song really sums up being depressed. I first heard Bette Midler's version and fell in love, but Peter Gabriel's version is more chilling for me.

10. "Love at First Sight" Kylie Minogue

More of that synchronized, tingling, bubble pop we all know and love. Kylie Minogue or her producers or whoever puts together these songs really knows the way to a gay man's heart.

11. "Hands Clean" by Alanis Morrisette

Oooohhh girl, Alanis is pissed again. She's ripping that guy she's always angry with a new one. This time it's more subtle, singing from the asshole's point of view. A gentle knife in the back.

12. "Little Red Corvette" by Sandra Bernhard

I always include this song on every first mix I make for people. Sandra's version of this Prince's anthem takes it to a new level. Like everything Sandra does, it transports you into her wonderful, whimsical, imaginative, magical world.

13. "The Ballad of Lucy Jordan" by Marianne Faithful

Marriane Faithful's voice is so tragic, battered and beaten. I first heard this song on the Thelma and Louise soundtrack. Sad song about a woman who realizes that she'll never drive through Paris in a sportscar.

14. "Come Back Jimmy Dean" by Bette Midler

I like this song because (at least for me) it's about being lonely and wishing that you were living in that simpler time. Etc, etc, blah, blah, blah.

15. "Stan" by Eminem

For some reason, this song used to make me cry (or get choked up) whenever I listened to it. Recently, I was at a crosswalk and saw this guy in a car. He looked like he was a fan of Eminem and was dressed just like him. I think it's interesting how when some of us get lonely, we create relationships with people we see on tv or in movies or in books we read. We want to become them. We all do it, i think. We need to escape our own boring lives. (Because we don't like ourselves?) This practice of escaping is big business. Oprah is the biggest example, a whole nation's best friend. This song is a little dramatic, but I love it.

16. "The Tide is High" by Blondie

I have a fascination with 1980's San Francisco. This is the opening song of the movie "Longtime Companion," which starts there. I would have loved to be in this seemingly carefree sexy gay world (I'm sure it wasn't quite this simple), this song transports me there. Just wearing tiny shorts, with muscular tanned legs cruising the streets of San Franciso.

17. "This Time I Know It's For Real" by Donna Summer

Don't know why I love this song so much. It's just Donna Summer and great 80's pop music.

18. "This I Swear" by Nick Lachey

And don't tell me you don't love this song. It will be first dance at my wedding to Nick Lachey when he gets divorced from Jessica Simpson.

19. "I Miss You" by Blink 182

What could be better than an easily digestable pop/punk rock/love song? Makes you want to get your lip pierced and pretend you're living in a nasty apartment in San Diego, complaining about your roommates dog who craps all over the place.