Friday, December 30, 2005

twist of fate

okay. this is such a good song!

when i was a kid this song and video and the outfit she was wearing was the way the future was going to be. in the video, which i wish i could share with you, but cant find it (its available at netflix onj videos #2)-- she's in some sort of purgatory court room pleading her case to a jury. i guess shes trying to stay alive so she can be with john travolta. i didnt get that and i didnt get the movie--"two of a kind," which it came from.

i just wanted to be her in that black leather skirt with black leather gloves. i had a huge crush on her and also wanted to be her.

if you want the song i will email it to you. i am that serious about it.

good, now i feel like i've said something meaningful for the day.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas from The Jeremy Show!

As my gift to you, here are some tips from Joan Crawford about enjoying the holidays...

Earn Your Gifts!

Give Away Things You Really Love!

Love, Jeremy

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

therapy session

im not going to lie. i am having some increased anxiety/depression right now. because i dont feel like seeing a therapist right now and dont have the money -- i have decided to have a little therapy session on my blog. if you don't like it don't read it. theres only ONE STAR on The Jeremy Show and that's Jeremy. So here we go...

what is bothering you the most?

i think the biggest concern is that i don't have money to buy christmas presents for friends/family. i enjoy buying presents and wrapping them. i think i like wrapping them the most- coming up with a theme and all that.

and how does that make you feel?

it makes me feel ashamed. contributes to my feeling crazy, immature, awkward and stupid.

do you believe that's all true?

not crazier than anyone else i know. awkward, yes- i do feel awkward. that word lurks around wherever i go. i try to embrace it. stupid- no. immature, yes- but that's not big news.

what else is bothering you?

well i guess i'm bored and physically tired. i feel like i want to create something but i'm too tired to do it. so that's frustrating. i kind of feel like i should constantly be churning out things- writing and whatever else. like i don't have much time left.

what makes you feel like you dont have a lot of time left?

well, not like im going to die anytime soon (knock on wood). but that i am not immortal and i want there to be a big pile of shit leftover from my life that maybe someday someone will see. my idea of an afterlife is that it exists in what you left behind, memories, things, "art." nothing major. even just a pair of pants or something that might end up in a thrift store that someone will wear to a party...a piece of me will be at that party. i'm not making sense.

go on..

also, i feel disconnected. i do it to myself. out of fear of being rejected, being hurt. i guess no matter how monumental a task like going out to dinner with someone or calling them on the phone might seem to me, i should take that risk- even though it very well could and most likely will suck.

what do you think is causing the anxiety you spoke of?

imagining how things will play out. even little things- like christmas with my family. creating scenarios (fictional events) in my head and then getting upset at these fictional events that i have created before they have even happened. "fortune telling" it's called. thinking that you can predict the future.

what else is causing you anxiety?

wanting to do more. wanting to be able to go to a party and not be awkward and wanting to leave. fear of anxiety is causing me anxiety. i am thinking that i will get to my parents house and want to sleep the whole time because i am so terrified of an invisible monster.

invisible monster?

just a nameless, faceless sense of dread that surrounds everything.

sounds like you have been spending too much time alone?

you're probably right. it will probably be good to see people for awhile, even if it's annoying and then at least i will have something to place all my anxiety and anger on..ha. the fact that i am talking to an non existent therapist right now is probably not a good sign.

you're probably right. so what are your plans for the day?

well i have to go to howard brown to pick up a prescription for antidepressants and then basically make my way home. i'd like to bring my laundry home. maybe i can ask my mom to pick me up and we can bring back...

i'm sorry we're out of time.

Monday, December 19, 2005

The Jeremy Show Interviews: Rob Christopher

I am delighted to have Rob as my guest this morning on The Jeremy Show. Rob Christopher was the first real friend I met in Chicago. I'ts not easy to put up with me- the smoking, the bad outfits, the forced viewings of Madonna and Sandra Bernhard DVDs- but he passed the test.

He is the author of 100 Spinning Plates and is the editor of a wonderful documentary Kosher Messiah. He's not fucking around.

How did you come up with the unusual concept for your
book "100 Spinning Plates?" What is your favorite
passage or quote from the book?

The idea didn't really come to me all at once, it sort of evolved from the desire to write very short pieces. I was having some writer's block at the time, and thinking about tackling a whole full-length project was more than I could deal with. So I told myself, well, what if I wrote stuff that was only one page long. I wrote some of those and somewhere along the way I stole, err, appropriated a structure from a John Cage lecture piece he created called "Indeterminacy." Once I settled on there being 100 of them, I just used my instinct and if a story didn't fit I took it out and tried something else. I don't know if I really have a favorite part. The Ex-lax story?

You are working on a new book, What is the title? What
it is about? Is there sex? Is it secretly about me? If
it's not about me what would you call the novel you
will eventually write about me?

It's called "Tiny Apocalypse," and it takes place in Chicago circa 1999-2000, you know, Y2K anxiety and all, the verge of a brave new era that of course turned out to be neither brave nor new. It centers around this dysfunctional gay dating relationship ... one of the guys is kind of a
free-floating slacker, and the other is a self-absorbed materialist. There's some drug scenes and one fairly hot sex scene. But I didn't want to write about sex too much. There are plenty of other gay novels that focus on that. Ha, no, I wouldn't say it's secretly about you although I planted a little scene where you make a cameo. We'll see if anyone spots it. If I were to write a novel about you I'd call it "Baby Let's Play House."

You've mentioned before that your celebrity crush is
Jake Gyllenhaal. So, you get to take a romantic naked
jacuzzi with Jake- but the jacuzzi is made for three
and you must choose another jacuzzi mate. Will it be
Paris Hilton? Michael Jackson? or Dick Cheney? Please
explain your answer.

I think it'd hafta be Paris. I could tune her out, no big deal. Maybe she could just be talking on her cell phone the whole time. But MJ and Dick, blech, no way could I have an erection within a 100 yards of either.

What do you have in your pockets and your bag today?
Please list all the contents.

Actually since I'm sitting at home I don't have anything in my pockets except for a Kleenex. I think it's always a good idea to have a tissue handy. In my bag (or manpurse, if you insist) I have the book I'm reading ("Rum"), my iPod A/C adapter, my last paycheck from work, 2 movie passes to any Loewe's Theater, which constitute my holiday bonus, and a black ink pen.

When was the last time you ate fast food and what did
you order?

Earlier this week I stopped by Chipotle because I was just too tired to deal with cooking anything. Burrito Bol with spicy shredded beef, black beans, red tomatillo, lettuce, sour cream, cheese. 3,000 calories.

***Jeremy's note-- I think it's interesting that Rob considers Chipotle to be fast food. To me, Chipotle is fine dining. ***

Name five of your favorite things...

"My Life In The Bush Of Ghosts" by Brian Eno and David Byrne, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Mai Tais, livejournal, "Belle de Jour" by Bunuel.

Keeping with the Oprah theme, "What do you know for

I know for sure that things in this country are gonna hafta get a whole lot worse before they can get better. What I don't know is if things are gonna get better.

If you were to send Andy (your boyfriend) flowers today, what would you
write on the card?

Love you madly, Rob.

List your least favorite question of all the ones I
have asked you today?

Picturing either Michael Jackson or Dick Cheney naked in a hot tub with me is nauseating.

Read more about Rob at his website

Read more of The Jeremy Show Interviews:
Kara Buller
standup comedian and femme fatale

The Lady Taja Mahal
modern woman

Brini Maxwell
our new domestic engineer

Friday, December 16, 2005

like a student

So, school is done and I made it through the wilderness. Somehow I made it through. I am expecting to get "ABBA" as my grades. Two A's and two B's (maybe even ABBB or ABBC- that would suck).I have only received one B so far at Columbia. So, that kind of sucks. But it was rough. You can only ride so far on the "I'm the nifty gay student" thing.

Speech (as I have mentioned) was so hard for me. I went into the class not wanting to have anything to do with it and left feeling the same way. I can barely hold on a conversation sometimes, so asking me to get up and talk about a universal public health insurance plan was a bit of a stretch. Loved my teacher though.

TV Directing was also challenging. I did learn a lot as a "director" and actually spent most of my time in the control booth, which I had steered clear of before. "The Miss Foozie Show" was the last project we did and I was the set designer/dresser and I must say- Miss Foozie's beauty shop was a work of art! I had a mannequin in an Aldi bag blouse and sequined mini skirt smoking a cigarette. Brilliant! If I do say so myself- and I do.

History of Modern Europe was ok. I have never really had a handle on any sort of history outside of "I Love Lucy" history, so it was all new to me. Plus my teacher was adorable. Seriously, very distracting. He wins the cutest teacher award.

Production and Editing was great. I love editing. If I had a superpowerful computer with an Avid system, I am certain that I would be an editor. I could stay up all night editing and smoking. The problem for me was arranging time to come in and sit up in a room on the 14th floor and then going down for a cigarette and then coming back up and going back down and coming back up and going back down and on and on...

And now of course the void is here. If I don't have something to worry about I will create it. I was thinking of writing a note on the fridge telling myself "Whatever it is, it is not real and you are overreacting to it." I am sure that with time on my hands I will find something to freak out about. Luckily my break is not that long.

But I do have a lot on my DVR to keep me busy: I Love Lucy, Martha, Martha Stewart Living, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, Issac Mizrahi's new talk show, Regis and Kelly, Brini Maxwell, Wonder Showzen, Reno 911 and, AND! Lifetime Original Movies. Don't get me started on how much I love the Lifetime Movie Network. That's a whole different post.

I say the greatest gift you can give yourself this year is cable.

I have even DVR'd Joan Rivers and Susan Lucci's upcoming appearances on HSN and QVC. I have a lot to keep me busy.

Oh and the Quacker Factory lady! Jeanne Bice! Have you ever seen her? Again, a whole other post will be dedicated to her. Outstanding.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Who wants to go see a movie with me?

Who wants to go see a movie with me? I'll check my bank balance. If I don't have enough money we could just watch a movie at my house. Drink some wine (Red Tail?). I'll smoke a lot, and we can make out.

Who wants to be my boyfriend? I don't know how that would work but we could figure it out. We could both have someone to go to parties with. I'll go to therapy and you'll go to work. I'll smoke a lot, and we can make out.

Who want to get married? I'll be a good housewife, I swear. Judging by my apartment, you might think otherwise-- but I really can clean a house and I can follow a recipe very well. I'll smoke a lot, and we can make out.

Who wants to have a baby with me? We can adopt. I promise I won't go all Brooke Sheilds on the baby (she had visions of throwing the baby up against the wall). I'm good with kids until they are 3 or so and then we'll hire a nanny. I'll smoke a lot, and we can make out.

Who wants to grow old with me? We can both have someone to retire with. We'll sit on the porch and watch the sun go down. We'll read critically acclaimed books and go see a lot of theater. I'll make the reservations and we'll get dressed up. I'll smoke a lot, and we can make out.

Monday, December 12, 2005

better the devil you know

So, It's 5 in the am. I have another frigging speech to give. God Bless America, why do I get so nervous? I have been OBSESSING about it. What is the big deal? I would rather get on a plane with only one working engine than do this.

And, it's never really that bad, the closer I get to actually doing it. Once I'm in the classroom I'm usually ok (knock on wood). It's the week leading up to it that I can't sleep or do dishes or even look at the speech itself. It's like this terrible OCD thing I get into. Like I refuse to do things until after the speech. I will only do the dishes AFTER THE SPEECH. I will only go out and enjoy myself AFTER THE SPEECH. I torture myself. Cukoooooo!!

All the Lexapro in the world can't handle this one.

I remember on the el I saw some woman with a bag of cleaning products and she kept spraying some sort of product in the air and on the seat and then wiping down her hands with another product. She was terribly disheveled and crazy looking and just out of her mind- but she had to keep up spraying and wiping down, spraying and wiping down. What memory or image or invisible germ was she trying to clean away?

I don't do that but I do sleep for ridiculous amounts of time when I'm trying to avoid something.

I slept from 4 AM Saturday night until about 5 PM on Sunday
Got up ordered Jimmy Johns, watched the Simpsons
Went back to bed at about 8 PM
Got up at about 11 PM and have been up, in some form or another since then.

And it's all because of this speech. Then I get to a point where I don't have the energy or interest to care about it anymore.

I would go back to a therapy, but I dont know- I think I have gone to that school, enjoyed it, learned A LOT and graduated. There is only so much that talking about my past and my quirks and my destructive behavior is going to do.

"Fake it until you make it"-- Kara always says.

So, at 7 AM I will get my bag together, throw on another wonderful outfit from The Jeremy Wells Collection, put on my iPod and listen to the playlist I titled "DONE!" and just fake it. Pretend I'm ok with it all and maybe I will be.

Songs on "Done!" playlist and selected quotes...

Make Me Famous- Bette Midler

(Bette Midler speaking to God from Isn't She Great)
"CUT THE CRAP, no more bullshit! Here's the deal..I keep going, but you start helping! I can't do everything myself! C'mon! Get on the phone! NOW! Make...ME...Famous!!"

I Bow Out- Whitney Houston

"I Bow Out"

Not all me- Alanis Morissette

"It's not all me, It's not all my fault, I may remind you, but I won't take it all on"

There Won't Be Trumpets- Bernadette Peters
"Those smug little men with their smug little schemes, They forgot one thing:
The play isn't over by a long shot yet!"

I Miss You- Blink 182
"We can live like Jack and Sally if we want, Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas"

Cool- Gwen Stefani

"And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through, I know we're cool"

Better Days- Janet Jackson

"Leavin' old shit behind, And move on with my life
The blindfold's off my eyes, And now all I see for me is better days"

Nothing Fails- Madonna
"Nothing fails, No more fears, Nothing fails"

Isaac- Madonna
"Remember, remember, never forget, All of your life has all been a test
You will find the gate that's open, Even though your spirit's broken"

Recovery- Olivia Newton-John
"When I go wrong as people do, There's only me to answer to,
Nobody here to bring me down, No feelings I need step around
Trouble and care are waiting out there, But I'm alright, I'm safe tonight"

Miserabilism- Pet Shop Boys

"Deny that happiness is open as an option, And disappointment disappears overnight"

The Arms Of Orion- Prince With Sheena Easton
"God only knows where you are tonight, Maybe time will tell me,
Till then I'll close my eyes"

Hollywood U.S.A.- RuPaul

"Packin up, givin in, I can't win, Going back to start over again"

Two Door Downs- Me'Shell N'Degeocello

"Cause I cant stay inside this lonely room and cry forever.
I think Id really rather join em two doors down."

The Best- Tina Turner

"Give me a lifetime of promises and a world of dreams
Speak the language of love like you know what it means"

Running Back To You- Vanessa Williams
"Let's go."

Saturday, December 10, 2005


The twentysomething guy and girl that live across the alleyway from me have just returned from a day of shopping on Michigan Ave. I watch them enter their apartment from the window by bed- about ten feet away.

They don't turn on the kitchen light as they enter. The guy drops the bags he carried for the girl and goes to pee. The girl checks the voicemail. She knows its her mother, shes the only one that calls on the land line. The guy knows its her mother too.

The guy does not like the mother. The guy is not even sure if he likes the girl anymore.

The girl likes the stuff that they bought.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

picture i took of belmont and clark

the disgusting smell of philly's best. the lure of nationwide video's basement. the transvestites and their pimps in front of dunkin donuts. the terrible terrible service at clarke's -- but i always go back. ann sather in the morning. burning my mouth with the coffee from the starbucks on the corner. the cash station across the street that beeped a crazy loud "mug me" noise when it gave back your card. cranberries and vodkas around the corner at spin. steamworks sticky cement floors next to that. kara, hillary, melika, geoffery...

"that's...what it's about."

Monday, November 28, 2005

oh lord

mama didnt sleep tonight. i have this damn speech class that's really getting my goat. i have avoided this class throughout my college career. i have a lot of trouble giving speeches, even though im fine with acting and improv and stuff.

i hate it! but i have decided to just be myself. if for example, im going to give a persuasive speech on the need for health insurance for all Americans (which i have to do)- im going to talk about how i have a bit of a medical fetish and how i wish that i had top of the line health insurance so i could have really hot doctor who would prescribe me top drawer medications and perhaps we would fall in love...

or that id have such good health insurance that i could go to a rehab center like meryl streep in postcards from the edge and id have shirley maclaine as a mother and "the guy who pumped my stomach" would ask me out on a date.

i just cant get up and list statistics and talk about things in that way that people do when they give speeches. i wish i could- i just dont know how to write or speak like that.

you cant teach an old dog new tricks. you cant get blood from a turnip. its hard for me to write without adding my personal experience (whether its entertaining or not). its columbia college for gods sake! cant i make a diorama out of a shoe box or give an interpretive dance?

i was all ready to just skip the class today. but i WOULD NOT allow that to happen. thats a slippery slope, missing classes. so i wrote a (very retarted) outline for the speech thats due next week and i got my informal discussion speech ready for today-- which consists of a coke vs. pepsi taste test- which andy said was "very 1986." exactly. that is where i am stuck.

Silly Kid Villain Mix


These are songs that I've been listening to on my iPod.
Here are my thoughts on the songs.

1. A Different Corner- Wham!
Like you're in an underwater ballet with George Michael.

2. Hell- Squirrel Nut Zippers
The theme to A & E's "Family Plots," a reality show about a family that works at the Poway Bernardo Mortuary. "D and the M and the A and the N and the T and the I-O-N."

3. I Sing the Body Electric- Eric Brockington
Classic song from "Fame" that gives me chills everytime I hear it. Never fails.

4. No One Is Alone- Bernadette Peters
"Witches can be right, giants can be good"

5. Regret- New Order
Reminds me of driving to Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind when I was a teenager.

6. Seasons of Love (From the Motion Picture RENT)- Cast Of Rent
I know this is an overheard, cheesy song from years ago thats always sung at graduations. I was never into RENT so I didn't pay to much attention. I am listening to it a lot and will be sick of it very soon.

7. Sorry- Madonna
My favorite off the new album. Story of my life -sorrysorrysorrysorry. I've heard it all before. I've heard it all before. I've heard it all before.

8. The Way We Were- Barbra Streisand
I'm just liking this song for some reason right now.

9. I Got No Love- Gloria Estefan
This song makes me happy. Sometimes you have no love for nothing.

10. Lament- Madonna & Antonio Banderas

11. Facts of Life-Lazyboy
This is a great song that I accidentally found while looking for the "Facts Of Life" TV show theme song on iTunes. It's fun.

12. Who Let In The Rain- Cyndi Lauper
Who did let in the goddam rain, shit.

...if your not there already, please post comments at

Saturday, November 26, 2005

jukebox hero

There was an a old woman named connie who smoked menthols and had blue hair and would give me money for the jukebox at the Moose Lodge. I must have been about seven or eight. She would help me pick out songs- not that I needed her help. I could read at that age, or at least I could read important words like Elvis Presley, and Patsy Cline and Dolly Parton. She would dance with me and hold me the way that old ladies hold little boys, with cold fingers and cheap rings. She'd tell me I was a good dancer and I would believe her.

if your not there already, please post comments at

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Nakatomi Plaza

I just got a DVR from comcast. I am watching and recording Die Hard. I have no idea why.

I recall that my friend Ryan had the box set of all three dvds. I cant imagine him really liking these movies. Everyone likes these movies I guess. Or maybe he was just excited by the box set.

My first box set was "Lucy's Trip to Europe"- which was three videotapes. It had all the episodes of her in Europe, obviously. I brought it to Heather's house and we watched all of them. It seemed so decadent that I had all of these I Love Lucy episodes, three videotapes of them!

Now there are "boxed sets" everywhere you look. We are all librarians of pop culture. Holding onto director's cuts and limited editions and complete series and seasons as if we will never see them again. As much as it is about wanting to see our favorite movies or television shows whenever we want to, I think its about owning a little of that fantasy world for ourselves. Like I am closer to Oprah and The Simpsons if I own the dvds.

Yippy-kiyay Mother Fucker!

Sunday, November 20, 2005

you take the good you take the bad

just watched it on demand. blair is running against another girl, cynthia, for student council president. cynthia wins. blair is depressed. cynthia commits suicide because her parents are getting a divorce. the girls set up a suicide hotline in her honor.

"if you feel like you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on."
mrs. garrett

i love this show.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

how can you expect to be taken seriously?

i forgot to tell you about my days in the community theater scene. just bit parts here and there. hanging out with closeted lesbian stage managers, smoking cloves. spending friday nights making mix tapes with one too many bernadette peters song on them. hooking up with sixty year old men in parked cars behind grocery stores. going home with another stain on the pet shop boys tshirt i found at the thrift store. some things haven't changed. but some things have.

you know about craig. he was the skinny straight boy who needed the sensitivity of a skinny gay boy, which he got whenever he wanted. the years have passed and we are no longer skinny. i try to reproduce our relationship any chance i get. but you know all about that. you know about how i like boys who are unavailable. that's very common though. yeah, yeah.

i remember talking to becky on the phone a long time ago. she said that she couldn't get her apartment clean enough. she felt like she cleaned and cleaned with bleach and toxic chemicals that gave her a headache and it just wasn't clean enough. she said the only thing left to do, the only thing that could make it clean enough was to just burn it. take a fucking flamethrower to it. change the fucking molecular structure of the shit. that's how i feel now. i just want to torch out my life. i'm not talking arson. i just want it to be clean, you know? i'm not mad at you i'm mad at the dirt- right?

god, i have so much to tell you. let's just get into bed for a week and watch movies and order in food and have sex until we're sick of each other. sounds like a plan to me.

remember when we went to great america and it rained all day? we took ephedrine and we both felt like we were going to have heart attacks so we didn't go on any rides, we just drank cokes and chain smoked. that's how i feel right now. god i miss you.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

quick review

sarah silverman- "jesus is magic"

saw it with kara. went to get popcorn and 2 cokes before the show started. the lady asked if i wanted to get a larger popcorn and just one big coke, and then we could get free refills.

i didnt give a shit about free refills but i just wanted to shut her up so i said yes. then i realized that we were going to get just one big coke. not that i have a problem sharing a coke with kara. but what if i was getting sick or have herpes or something? maybe kara didnt want to share a gigantic coke with me. so i asked if i could have another cup, so i could split the coke. well, i knew that would be a problem before i said it. she handed me a dixie cup. i didn't feel like creating a scene so i just bought another fucking coke.

the movie was dumb. i think sarah silverman is hilarious normally. but an hour and a half of supposedly shockingly genius racist jokes got old real quick. i like the poster and the title though.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

confessions on my christmas tree.

i put up my christmas tree. i know its early. but i thought, better early than never.

went with a gold and red theme. its overloaded with ornaments and it looks really great. but now im creeped out that its up. want time to speed up so i dont feel weird about it. "hi, my name is crazy, do you wanna dye easter eggs with me in november?" i listened to the carpenters christmas album while i did it. ah, karen. i think i shall listen to her as i fall asleep tonight.

anyway, it reminded me of my two and half years working at an artificial christmas tree company. whenever i say that i worked at an artificial christmas tree company people don't hear correctly and think that i worked at a christmas tree lot. they think that i was the creepy guy in the little trailer with the space heater.

no, i was the creepy guy in an office selling christmas trees through the internet. i sat all day at a desk answering hundreds of questions on the telephone and via email like:

(honest to god, these people weren't kidding)
"do you have half trees?"
"do you have pencil (thin) trees?"
"do you have black christmas trees?"
"do you have have upside down christmas trees?"
"do you have the trees that shoot fake snow from the top?"
"do you have the charlie brown christmas tree?"
"can the trees be used year round as actual pine trees in my front yard?"

the job was VERY INTENSE. people are VERY SERIOUS about christmas trees.
most people are. a lot of people turn up there noses at artificial trees. some people don't like the cutting down of real trees, etc, etc. everyone has the way they do it or the way their family has always done it and its very very sacred to us. and when it gets closer to christmas, of course, we all lose are minds.

i just wanted some time alone with my tree. before i worry about giving and receiving gifts and money and arguments and blah blah blah.

it's weird i feel like it's alive. like it's another person or spirit in the room. like i cant walk around naked or anything in front of it. i can't invite a mysterious stranger over to have a late night romantic liason -- the christmas tree is watching me. my christmas tree is my new roommate. silent, beautiful but somehow judgmental.

i wish you a merry christmas/holiday season before the shit gets crazy.

unwritten autobiography jacket notes

This is the book you'll need after you take a spoonful of LSD in your parent's kitchen and black out and forget your name. With this unconventional guidebook to your new self, you'll use my memories and fantasies, delusions of grandeur and depressive snags to map your new world.

I have the skillset to guide you (at least halfway, depending on my unbalanced moods) back into something that resembles reality. You wanted those pretty colors and tingles down your spine. You wanted to find cosmic significance in crappy music. Someone or something tricked you into opening these boxes and, together, we'll try and get a lid on them.

You might still be hearing other voices, but it's time to focus in on mine. I have eleven years of solid experience trying to navigate the world in a post-hallucinogenic haze. Your psychiatrist doesn't have the time or the communication skills, I do.

I'm not going to spoon feed it to you. You're going to have to work for it. Like an old voodoo woman, I'll try to confuse you and waste your time, I might even try to get in your pants- but you'll be better off for it.

I'll dig it all out for you.
You're gay, you had an AIDS scare, you'll check into a mental hospital at the drop of a hat, you're addicted to porn, you were obsessed with Dolly Parton as a child (and feel this is so interesting it should be listed on your resume), you have toenail fungus and you're unemployed. We'll get to all that and more.

I understand the position you're in.
You didn't go to McLean hospital. You aren't John Nash, Patty Duke or even Margot Kidder. You're not a girl interrupted. You're a gay Midwestern manchild who got all hopped up on goofballs when you were nineteen and you're trying to keep it together as you enter your thirties.

We can do this.

Offers from publishing companies may be sent directly to Book advances will be accepted in the form of cash, check, Visa, Mastercard, American Express, Discover, Diner's Club and McDonald's Gift Certificates.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

commerative speech

Welcome to the grand opening of Cherchez La Femme Women's Bookstore and Coffee Shop. I was honored when Connie, the manager asked me to speak today. Unfortunately, Connie can't be here today because she is having ingrown toenail surgery. She sends her love and get wait to get back to work.

These Women.

Alanis Morisette
Barbara Mandrell
Bette Davis
Bette Midler
Britney Spears
Dolly Parton

Ellen Degeneres
Eva Peron
Gilda Radner
Gloria Estefan

Janet Jackson
Jennifer Saunders
Joan Crawford
Joan Rivers
Joanna Lumley

Kylie Minogue
Lisa Kudrow
Lucille Ball
Margaret Cho

Martha Stewart
Molly Shannon

My female teachers
My Grandmothers
My Mother
My sister

Olivia Newton-John
Sandra Bernhard
Tammy Faye

Terri Gross
Tina Turner and
Whitney Houston

These women. These women live in my life. These women live in my apartment. These women live on my dusty shelves.

In my book collection, in my cd and dvd collections. These women live on my television.

These women live in my Ipod. These women live in my computer. These women live in my classrooms.

For a guy. For a guy that doesn't like himself sometimes. For a guy that goes from self induced crisis to self induced crisis. For a guy that smokes too much and sleeps too much and feels too much, too often like he is a smudge on a window. These women, these women tell him, he's ok. Even when he's not.

When I am poisoned, each woman is an antidote. When I am filled with viruses and my internal hard drive fails to work, these women perform a system restore. When the drugs fail to work, the prozac, the caffeine, the nicotine, the xanax --- these women perform some sort of miracle and get me out of bed, maybe even into the shower, maybe even to school or work.

They paint a picture of this guy. They paint a picture of this guy without even knowing it. They paint a picture of this guy creating. They paint a picture of this guy being semi responsible. They paint a picture of this guy using all of his retarted masculine pain and pathos and anger to do something other than sleeping.

No man can do this. No man has the magic, or the glitter, or the potion that can make this happen. The penis is amusing, but it does not have magical powers. and I have tested this.

It is only the women. Women are born in the sea and they walk up from the ocean floor through the waves and on to the shore. Women keep the Sears Tower up. Women send the space shuttle into orbit.

Do you get it? I'm not sure I do. All I know is that women have immense power.

Each woman I see everyday on the bus. The bus driver with crazy long fingernails, the nanny taking care of children, the Lincoln park trixie reading whatever the number one bestseller is, the woman talking to herself, the girl with blue hair on her way to an art school. They are the deitys. They are goddesses.

Perhaps it is because they give life. They nurture, they tend to the global garden. I do not know the reason. I do not know the reason but I am aware of their power. Somewhere along the line I became aware of their power. And it is their power that keeps me going. Some may worship in the church of Bjork. Some may pray to the Golden Girls. I attend services at the Holy Church of Bette Midler and Madonna.

I hope this hasn't come to you too fast, but I don't think it's too late to remember and celebrate the power of women in your lives.

Monday, October 31, 2005


I recall my first All Hallows Eve party with great fondness. It was at the great Capps Mansion, long before anyone knew of the trouble there. I wore a mischevious bird mask with a humorous feathered beak, a sequined vest and white tights. I don't think you were there.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

i lit a cigarette and i thought my tears might cause my face to catch on fire.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

notes and thoughts on tonya harding website "thank you" video

A bright cheery spot in a park in 1999.
"Let's do it here." "Perfect."
Bright, confident, clear and thankful.
Thankful for the support. Thankful for the interest.

I'm playing it over and over. Obsessed with it.
She's turned away at first, looking at children playing.
Then BANG! All smiles and confidence.

A nanny and two children walking in the background as we zoom in, not knowing that Tonya Harding is taping a thank you video for her website. Probably not knowing who Tonya Harding is. Not knowing that it's with an "o" and not an "a".

In 1999- any kind of video on a website must have been a mindfuck. I mean that's pre 9-11. Who knows what went on on before 9-11, I don't remember a thing myself.

But we're clear that it's an official document from the titles on the screen. Copyrighted and All Rights Reserved. This is serious business.

Excited. She's excited about the launch of her website. She's picked out a great outfit. Casual but versatile. Hand in pocket. Friendly as all get out.

Turned over a new leaf. The leaves on the trees were probably not an intentional visual metaphor but they really work. Sometimes things just come together like that.

"Without your support, I probably would not be here today." Unclear if she means "would not be here," like not doing a video for her website, getting on with things -or- if she means "would not be here" like suicide. No, she can't mean that. That's a dark thing to bring up on a thank you video for a website. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe a little bit of both? An ambiguous comment.

One last time, see if I notice anything else. Just a nod at the end after, "Bye now." A nod to herself. An "I'm finished, I said what I needed to say" nod.

first imix

Dear Reader,

I made a mix for you, darling. I hope you like it. I hope you don't hate it.


Love, Jeremy

(It's gonna ask you if you have iTunes or don't have iTunes- if you don't get iTunes and then look at it. If you do, make sure you have iTunes open- it may ask you if it's okay to use iTunes to open it. Just say yes, sweetie.)

Saturday, October 22, 2005

standing outside a car with a baby inside

There was a period in my life when it seemed I was always standing outside a car with a baby inside, smoking a cigarette. Either my sister or one of my female friends would want me to wait outside a store with a baby for a quick second while they ran in to get something. "Do you mind if I just stand outside and have a cigarette," I would ask.

So, I would be standing in a suburban parking lot leaning up against a car with a baby staring at me. The mother of the baby would take a little longer- a chance to get away for a second. If the baby cried I would try to entertain he or she through the window, sing or say silly things or make faces.

But the babies didn't put up with it for too long. They knew it was silly for me to be standing outside the car, smoking. They would get impatient with the crazy guy outside making stupid faces.

Thursday, October 20, 2005


Taken 10/08/05
I am drinking reheated coffee and I just took a klonipin and cried a little. I was looking through my instant message files with Joey and I thought I'd post a snippet. Hopefully he won't mind. I hope he is not in pain and is happy in whatever Tron-like dream world he's in. I pray for his safe return to our planet because I miss him too much.

joeergh (12:35:51 AM): I had fun hanging out.. and umm. i noticed you were kinda something on the "feelings" scale.. eh.. frustrated or angry or something.. and ehhh.. crap
joeergh (12:36:16 AM): okay, i'll just say, i enjoy hanging out with you and chatting and drinking and smoking and being honest.
carolynapplebee (12:36:29 AM): i do too!
carolynapplebee (12:37:17 AM): im always about the "feelings" i was a mister rogers kid-- none of that crazy sesame street business
joeergh (12:37:34 AM): hmm.
joeergh (12:37:51 AM): i liked the pinball animation on sesamee street, or was it the electric company.

Friday, October 14, 2005


Well, I certainly hit the jackpot at the dollar store on Dearborn yesterday. I got some grey and white checked vinyl coasters. Not too sure how I feel about them but we'll give them a try. Then, I got two things I need for my Halloween costume. I won't say what my costume is, but I will say that I got some blood red lipstick and nail polish and some ping pong balls. If you can figure my costume out from that, you get a prize.

Thennn, my favorite purchase... a black oversized Tina Turner "TWENTY FOUR SEVEN" tour coffee mug! There were stacks of them just sitting there. I couldn't believe there wasn't a line around the block. I was so excited, it totally made my day. For one dollar? You're kidding me!

Monday, October 10, 2005

just another dream

dreamed i was working the morning shift at mcdonalds and started making french fries instead of hash browns. no one said anything, i covered it pretty well, just throwing out the french fries and putting some hash browns in.

then i saw that they were using the french fry station not for fries or hash browns but for salads.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

scary dream

had a scary dream about some generic scary dude that was freaking me out. but, it ended really well because salma hayek(!?) came over at the end and summed it all up and made me feel better. thanks salma.

Sunday, October 02, 2005


im not going to make you feel comfortable. if you thought i was automatic, you were wrong. im very much manual- stick shift. it's going to drain every last drop out of you to get close to me. if you don't have the time or the energy, neither do i. if you realize that it's not worth the effort, let me know and move along. i don't need your kind of support.

it's not my job to make you feel comfortable. it's not an easy ride. it's going to be one hell of a project.

i will not throw another coffee cup at the wall over this one.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Wake up in the morning, feelin shy and lonely...

After seeing a midnight screening of two episodes of Degrassi Junior High at the Music Box with Joey, I have become a little obsessed with the show. Snake, Wheels, Caitlin and of course Joey Jeremiah all came back to me.

I just downloaded the and the Zit Remedy's (only, I believe) song, "Everybody Wants Something."

I had a huge crush on Joey Jeremiah (although at the time I think I just wanted to throw up everytime he was on camera). Joey and I did a little research into him after the show and discovered that unfortunately he is not gay.

Sunday, September 18, 2005


the back staircase to the apartment next door is right by my window. there's this girl that's always up and down all day long in her biking or jogging shorts. lugging up her bike or running down with her ipod for a jog. LA TI DA miss healthy!!!

i think she needs a little meat on her bones. she should come over here and watch some roseanne and eat a whole tombstone pizza.

im sorry, im being mean. she needs to cool it though. so busy busy busy.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

you're f**cking kidding me!

This is SERIOUSLY my dream come true! A six disc collection of Oprah shows. I think I need to lay down and take a nap. I HAVE A REASON TO LIVE!!!!!!

The hairstyles, the outfits, the theme songs- There is a god!

It releases on November 15. Knock me out until then.

Live your best life,

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

text box culture

Here are my recent posts at a new website called "text box culture."

Fur Coat
-being mistaken for a homeless man

Avoiding the Nap
-an intimate evening

wash n' fold
-just jotting down what happened one day

Monday, September 12, 2005

I'll teach you how to

"Well I know from experience, that if you have to ask for something more than once or twice...It wasn't yours in the first place." Madonna, "Waiting" Erotica

I know you've been thinking about it too. Erotica WAS an overlooked album in Madonna's career. Why don't you pull it out of your cd collection and listen to it with me now. Sit down, let's talk about, really get into a meaningful discussion.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

current events

Last night, I was walking home at about midnight listening to TLC's "Fanmail" wanting to be drunk and dancing but happy that I wasn't. Up ahead, I saw the shadow of a tall muscular man. So attractive, so obviously straight, I didn't even have to see his face.

As we got closer, I looked into his face and he was very cute. He looked back at me with "the look." Did I just imagine that? He kept walking. I turned around, he turned around. He waved me over, and not in a I'm going to mug you way. This guy didn't need to do any mugging, he had a face and a body that people threw money at. I came over, took out the earbuds.

I could tell that he was drunk. Beer goggles. I mean he was hot, what was he doing spending an ounce of his time on me. Like the hot guy that turns bad in movies about date-rape.
We shook hands.
"Are you on your way home?" he asked
I quickly imagined how it would play out, where we'd go, what we'd do, what kind of things he'd want, what I'd be prepared to do, what I wouldn't do.
He was glassy eyed, head trying to stay centered on top of his body. Really drunk or high. Maybe he wanted drugs? I don't know how that works. Do you just stop someone in the street who looks like they might know where to get some pot, some reefer-- I don't even know what you call it.
As he sort of tried to focus in on my face, I asked, "Are you okay?"
He seemed slightly annoyed by the question almost a little angry, "Yeah."
Silence as we stared at each other and the fantasy of being at my apartment, only steps away with this very high but VERY hot guy quickly turned into something I would rather not do.
More silence.
"Well, nice to meet you," he said, shaking hands again. Big hands. Not the size of hands people from my planet have. These were hands that made a lot of money and got a lot of pussy. He had to be straight. If not straight, the type of bisexual that turned into married with kids.
We nodded goodbye.
I walked home into my apartment building regretting not jumping at the chance of being with this hot guy. The regret went away. I changed the lightbulb in my bathroom that had burned out.

This morning I woke up, and turned on the coffeemaker, having prepared it the night before. I went to pour myself a cup and knocked the filter basket off as I clumsily pulled the pot off the burner. French roast grounds and hot water poured all over the counter and the toaster. Still haven't cleaned it up. Not quite sure how I'm going to handle that one.

Oh, and I set my pants on fire two days ago. I'm not interested in telling that story again.

restaurant review

Since I moved to my new home, a beautiful vintage studio in historic Ravenswood, I've been looking for that perfect restaurant. A place about which I can say to myself or my lover "Hey, you know what sounds good right now...

Well, I've found it on the corner of Clark and Addison in the shadow of majestic Wrigley Field. My little place is called Taco Bell. It's a popular Mexican/American fast food restaurant.

I discovered it as I was riding on the Clark Bus headed towards Boystown in search of my mythical husband. I spied the familiar sign too late to get off at the nearest stop so I had to quickly alert the driver that I wanted to get off and exited the bus about two blocks south of "the border."

The clientele is a mixture of "homeless chic" and "drunk tourist." The staff looks like they want to kill themselves- but the food is familiar and delicious and the prices are remarkably affordable!

Now, I've been a fan of Taco Bell for a while. I remember my mom ordering a "Burrito Supreme, no sour cream." I must have been in a car seat in the back. Did they even have car seats back then? Anyway, my favorite then was a plain tortilla with butter on it. I did not have adventurous tastes as a child.

As I grew older, my tastes changed. When I was about nineteen or twenty, Taco Bell was a late night hot spot in my hometown. Cars wrapped around the building up until two in the morning. At the time, I was performing in an improv comedy group at a place called the Theatre Hut in Ridgefield, Illinois. When we would take a break from rehearsing, we would head down to "the bell." After eating everything out of our thin, white plastic bags and finishing our Mountain Dews (you have to have a Mountain Dew at Taco Bell) we would smoke a cigarette.

Taco Bell always reminds me of Josh, a friend and fellow castmate (now teaching classes at a Chicago improv theatre). As far as I know, he spends the rest of the time in an underground bunker because in the four years that I've lived here I have never once run into him, which I find unusual. It's probably a good thing because a certain female best friend and I had major crushes on him. Crushes so bad that we could spend an evening talking about him and what he was doing and what he liked and what he didn't like and what he smelled like and on and on.

He said that he thought I was really funny.

Annnyyway, I remember that Josh used to say that the best cigarette in the world is after a meal at Taco Bell. I still agree. Well, not counting sex. No, never mind the best cigarette in the world is after Taco Bell.

Times have changed, I haven't talked to Josh in years, and who knows what we would talk about.

But I'm still in love with Taco Bell. They have a new item on the menu and it is an absolute knockout. The Crunchwrap Supreme! It's a crispy tostada wrapped in a flour tortilla, toasted on both sides. Seriously one of the most pleasing things I've put into my mouth at least since I was seventeen.

To top it all off there is a new flavor of Mountain Dew called Baja Blast. The flavor is genius. They say it's an explosion of lime but do I detect a hint of pina coloda? This flavor is exclusive to Taco Bell. If they had it at the grocery store, I'd buy cases of it.

I urge you to take a trip to your nearest Taco Bell.


Always a favorite with my subconscious, plane crash dreams.

I was on a plane and I was intentionally unbuckled. Kelsey Gramer was the co-pilot. He was talking to me. He told me that there were "four stages of flight." We were entering the third stage and he told me things were getting "punchy." We crashed on what looked like Lower Wacker Drive and it was flooded. Got a CTA card to board the next plane to wherever I was going. A flight attendant asked me if I had enough time to get something to eat before we took off again in two hours. I told her that was more than enough time.

Friday, September 02, 2005

The Jeremy Show Interviews: Brini Maxwell

One evening I was channel surfing and literally fell off my chair when I discovered The Brini Maxwell Show on the Style network. My life will never be the same. I made it my mission to have Brini here on The Jeremy Show. My humble prayer has been answered. Ladies and Gentlemen, Brini Maxwell.

Hello Brini! The Brini Maxwell Show: The First Season has
just been released. Congratulations! For those poor
souls that have never seen it, how would you describe
The Brini Maxwell Show?

The Brini Maxwell Show is a lifestyle service show with tips, recipes, interior design ideas and interviews with people that are passionate about things.

When Brini was a little girl what did she want to be
when she grew up?

I wanted to be just what I am. A domestic engineer with ties to the past.

What's the best cocktail for a late summer dinner
party? Could we bother you for the recipe?

The Summer Breeze - It's in my book (Brini Maxwell's Guide to Gracious Living) which will be released in October by Stewart Tabori and Chang.

Summer Breeze

1 1/2 ounces Bacardi Limon
1 ounce pink grapefruit juice
1 ounce orange juice
Dash of grenadine

Shake all ingredients in a shaker filled with ice. Strain into a martini glass, drop a cherry in, and enjoy!

Serves 1

What is your morning routine?
I get up at around 7:30, brush my teeth, shower and put on my makeup. Then I make breakfast (usually sausage and pancakes or something similar) and then get dressed and go about my day.

I'm a smoker, and I'm trying to quit. Or I plan to try
to quit. Or I'm thinking about planning to try to
quit. Anyway, what's your worst habit? What do you do
to try to stop it?

My worst habit is probably shopping. I buy far too much clothing, and home accessories then one girl needs. It's very theraputic though.

What does the ring on your cellphone sound like?

It sounds like an old dial phone.

What is in your purse? If you could list all the
contents for our viewers that would be fantastic.

My purse contains my wallet (of course) a lipstick and lip brush, miniture powder compact, comb, hairspray, small package of tissues, handbag caddy (to hang your handbag from the dining table), rain bonnet and a few starlight mints.

If you were going to make me a mix cd, name some songs
you would put on it.

The McMillan and Wife Theme - The John Gregory Orchestra
Alfie - Matt Monro
Barbarella Theme - Ferrante and Teicher
Wave - Oscar Peterson
The Days of Wine and Roses - Nancy Wilson
Something for Cat - Henry Mancini

Have you ever received a speeding ticket? Was the
policeman handsome?
I haven't, actually. I drive very carefully. I wouldn't want to dent the fender of my '66 Thunderbird convertable.

What is your motto?

I don't know that I have one. I like to live my life with an air of sophistication and casual hospitality, and to do that I guess I'd have to buy into the girl scouts and say that Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performance.

Thank you so much!
Best, Brini.

The Brini Maxwell show airs at 9:30 every Thursday night on the Style Network. Learn more at

Friday, August 26, 2005

keep off my back

you kids are gonna drive me to drink. at some point i have to hold up my hands and say "i give up." give me a break. give mama a break. i have a blister on my foot from walking around town today and i ain't in a good mood, so you best watch it.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

The Jeremy Show Interviews: The Lady Taja Mahal

I bumped into The Lady Taja Mahal online and asked her if she'd grant me an interview. The Lady holds court on Wednesday night in Boystown, Chicago at Hydrate.

Do you remember the first time you wore a dress?
The first time I wore a dress was after church one Easter morning. My parents were shocked to see me come out of their room in my moms new Easter dress and hat dragging the floor.

Do you live most of your life as a woman or a man?
I live all of my life as a woman. Its kind of hard to be a man with 40DD tits.

What do you like about being a man?
I can not answer this question since I do not consider myself a man.

What do you like about being a woman?

I love being able to wear makeup if I want to or just going natural. Dressing up or dressing down. Playing with my tits.

You mention that you are a very religious person. Was
there ever a time when you struggled with your faith
because of your sexuality/lifestyle?

I have never struggled because my mother has always been supportive. She taught me from a very early age that God loved everyone just the way they are. I am blessed to have a mother who lives by John 3:16 and reminds me of it everyday.

The first song you ever performed was
"Where Do Broken Hearts Go" by Whitney Houston. Is
Whitney one of your idols? Who are some of your other
idols or favorite performers and why are they your

I have always and will always love Whitney. She has struggled with many complications in her life but no one can deny the talent she has. I also idolize such greats like Patti LaBelle, Aretha Franklin, Jennifer Holiday and Gladys Knight.

If you could have a dream date with any celebrity who
would it be with and where would you go?

Hmmmmmmmmm....there are a few but if I had to pick just one it would be Cameron Mathison from All My Children and we would go straight to my bedroom.

Do you have rituals that you do before a show?
My rituals include taking a nice nap before makeup application so that my face is relaxed.

You travel a lot around the midwest. What is the worst
experience you've had while "on the road?"

I was on the way to Iowa one night and my friend was driving and speeding because we were late. We got pulled over and the cop had a million questions.
I was napping before he pulled us and wearing a cut up t-shirt with no bra. I did not realize that as I lay, my right tit has come out of my t-shirt and that is why he had so many questions...he was just getting a free peep show.

What do you have in your purse/bag? Please list all
the contents if you can.

Inside of my Louis Vuitton purse you will find my Louis Vuitton wallet, change purse, check book, business car holder, chapstick, palm pilot, Lane Bryant coupons, Chanel sunglasses, Advil and Altoids.

You said that it is your dream to be Miss Continental
Plus? What is Miss Continental Plus? Why is this your
dream? If you do achieve this dream, what is your next goal?

Miss Continental Plus is a national pageant for professional female impersonation entertainers. It is my dream because it is like winning an Emmy or Oscar in my line of work. Once I achieve that goal I seek to find work on televison and the big screen.

Please complete these sentences...

God is good all the time.

Sex is a foreign word to me.

I get angry when guys lead me on.

People are interesting.

I am thinking about trying out for an amateur drag
show. You mention that there are do's and dont's of
female impersonation? What are they?

There are far too many do's and dont's to name without taking up an entire page.
I will remind you that makeup is the key. Just remember cover girl does not cover boy.

Where can we see you perform?

You can find me every Wednesday night at Hydrate...3458 N Halsted

Visit to learn more.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

and that's all I have to say

Honey, the culture is changing and there ain't nothing you can do to stop it. Quit holding on to old shit, old ways of doing things. Adapt to new ways, be open minded and quit holding back cause your scared of looking like an idiot. You're going to look like an idiot to begin with.

Do it now. Otherwise you'll get left behind like the weirdo people that don't know how to use the internet.

Monday, August 08, 2005


i just meditated. imagining light coming from the bottom of my spine through the top of my head and out into the infinite universe.

now im smoking a cigarette. saying a little prayer for all of those i love and those i am routinely annoyed by. i forgive them and i forgive myself. spreading love around my body like heavenly moisturizer. and spraying the world with liquid peace from a divine supersoaker.

do i like to make fun of myself?
do i like to make fun of others?
is that good?
why do i do it?
because i am not healed, i am broken bicycle. just like those i make fun of.
try to cut down others to make myself feel better about myself.
its been going on, by me and by everyone, for quite awhile.

i summon the spirits of tammy faye, marcia clark, rosie o'donnell, leo tolstoy, truman capote and on and on.

dos it make sense?
can i handle that?

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Kara Does Asia

My good friend Kara has invaded Southeast Asia. Feel free to comment or ask her any questions about wherever the hell she is.

Here are her notes from the other side of the world.

Friday, July 22, 2005

The Jeremy Show Interviews: Kara Buller

Kara Buller has agreed to open up her life and her purse for The Jeremy Show. Kara Buller is a stand up comedian who has been tearing up the boards on the Chicago Stand-Up circuit for years.

From Kara's bio- "During her six years in Chicago, Kara Buller has done just about all you can do to a stage. She has been a theater critic, writer, actor, improviser, stand-up comic, story-teller, and instructor. She has written and performed three shows in Chicago: A Fag & His Hag, Work (both with Jeremy Wells) and Cowboy Crushes, Prank Calls & The Biblette. In response to her two-person show A Fag & His Hag, The Chicago Reader claimed Buller showed "great comic promise, with a self-deprecating edge to her carefully enunciated phrasing."

You've been doing stand up comedy for awhile now in many of the greater venues around chicago, you've even traveled the greater midwest spreading love and laughter...have you ever gotten busy in in a comedy club, how far have you gone, with who and how was it?

Yes, some business has been taken care of in the comedy clubs. It has always been
very tasteful and tender business, oddly enough. I think it's important to have feelings for the people you are with, and to then get overly attached and act inappropriate towards them.

What is your stripper name (first childhood pet, and
name of the first street you lived on)?

Brandy Unknown

You're planning a trip to southeast Asia. First, what
is Southeast Asia and second, why are you going there
and what will you do when you are there? What will you
buy me?

Southeast Asia is China's sexy little sister. She teeters around on clear plastic heels and drinks way too much. She is constantly making out with European and Scandinavian backpackers, entertaining pedophiles and making really good meals. Southeast Asia includes Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Malaysia, the Phillipines, the Krati Peninsula, the Galapagos, Puerto Rico and all Sandals Resorts.

I am going for the only reason I do anything: DRAMA! Angkor Wat in Cambodia is the world's largest religious structure. It was the crown jewel of the great Khmer empire--and is the only building visible from outer space! Then things started to go not so well for the Khmer: the Thai army came, the French came and in the 1970s the Khmer Rouge took over and ended up killing 2 million of their own people. It's a huge failure you can see from outer space. This moves me. The things that humans can do--and undo. I want to see it with my own two eyes (pointing two fingers to my eyes). Also, I have a friend over there in Cambodia who is very dear to me and I would like to see him.

You lived with me for 3 years, what was the grossest
thing about living with me?

There was a period there when it smelled like Jeremy was bowel-movementing iron ore. I don't know what was going on with him gastrointestinally, but it was not good. It was this weird metallicy-sweet smell that really worried all of us. It was strongest at our middle place: "2324" and subsided towards the end, at "1761." For a while I thought it was how our bathrooms smelled, but there were three of us and it wasn't happening with Geoffrey and me. Of course, now, I miss that smell.

You've told me you've had your purse stolen repeatedly
over the last year. What do you have in your purse?
Take your time and list all of the contents.

First off, I purchased a Le SportSac bag in NY. It was very expensive and, I thought, very French. I've only seen LeSportsac stores in Waikiki and NYC. I thought that meant "class." Then I started noticing that the only people who had LeSportsacs were overweight 50 year old women at museums.

Inside..there is
palm pilot
FACE Stockholm pale pink lipstick
Black Honey Clinique lipgloss
Clinique powder
protective goggles for when I go tanning
a black Uni-Ball pen (micro of course)
a cool looking yellow mod notebook from Target
Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi
Aleve gelcaps
SuperGroom nail and cuticle groomer from Blisslabs NY
Eclipse gum.

Oh, and my wallet, which I received in the mail in April after having it stolen from me in November. People are good at heart! (Except for me--I just disparaged overweight 50 year old women. But it's not like I won't be one someday.)

Have you ever had an STD? I have. If you haven't which
STD would you choose?

I have not had an STD. I did at one point have an STP bumper sticker on the back of my car, which is, yes, very very regrettable. I would chose to have crabs. I think it's the cutest one to have. It's almost like having a musical in your pants. What STD did you have? Wasn't it crabs?

What is love?

Love is an endless, aching need. It is for me anyways. Did I quote Bette Midler correctly there? There are many types of love: mad, crazy in love love; brotherly, sisterly love; you work in the cubicle next to me and yell "oh momma!" and "whatta knucklehead!" and make me laugh love, i didn't want to be with you at first but now it's quite comfortable and great love....many types. They all make us feel connected to another and help to remove cinderblock by cinderblock the cylindrical wall that surrounds us. Maybe? I personally love love. I can't wait to love again. There is a sticker pasted around Wicker Park that says "Love Again." Please. Give me a break....(teary eyed) Thank you.

I need to go buy cigarettes but I'm not sure what time
Walgreens opens but I'm gonna go ahead and assume that
they are open. While I'm gone, please tell me who
you'd rather french kiss Katie Couric, Kathie Lee
Gifford or Condi Rice..set the scene.

I think there is something about Katie Couric. I hear she is evil--and she has no lips. There's something there. I want to explore it. It would have to involve a city, a big black car and too many glasses of chardonnay at a "gala."

I'm back. What is the biggest misconception about Kara

Unfortunately, there are no misconceptions. Everyone is dead-on. One co-worker did tell me I always look very pulled-together, very stylish. I fear she was very wrong.

Well, we've all been reading about how you're going to
uproot and move to the Big Apple and take it by storm.
On March 25, 1911 the Triangle Factory Fire in
Greenwich Village took the lives of 145 female garment
workers, which would eventually lead to great
advancements in the city's fire department, building
codes, and workplace regulations. So, what are you
wearing today?

Oh, it's terrible. Red dress pants that hit just above the ankle, black strappy high heeled sandals that smell bad, a black sweater with a gold neckband and an orange and green scarf wrapped around my head. I woke up late and didn't have time to wash my hair. I smell very animally too. I kind of like it though.

Where were you born? Now, rearrange the letters of the
town you were born in and then try to make a word out
of them. Put that word into a sentence. Quickly..we
don't have all day.

Ithaca, New York. Chaita. I chaita do it but I couldn't.

Thank you for your time today, Kara Buller. Is there
anything you'd like to say to The Jeremy Show viewers?

Yeah, I took Jeremy's security deposit and went to Asia with it. It wasn't right. It wasn't polite. But we're going to work through this. I'm sorry if this in anyway hurt the show. We'll talk about it off camera.

Maybe you could buy me an Ipod and not one of those little pansy ones either. I want a big honker.

Where can our viewers come to see you live? What's
your schedule?

I am hosting at Gunther Murphys Aug 2. I do open mics at Bad Dog and Crush. That's it. When I get to New York, you'll be seeing me at all the big-name clubs. New York cannot resist a smelly girl in a scarf. I know it.

Monday, July 18, 2005

5 celebrities I wish to sleep with

sex would be optional

1. Robert Downey Jr. (movie star)

2. Paul Giamatti (movie star)

3. Damon Dogg (naughty movie star)

4. Robbie Williams (creamy smooth pop star)

5. Anderson Cooper (news star)

you'd every cause to doubt me, mein herr

Well, my goodness. I have not been feeling good lately. My, my, my. Especially bad mood for the last 5 days or so.

I think it started when I took a pain pill for my root canal. I think it triggered my depression switch. That might sound ridiculous but I think that is what happened. Ever since I have had all the classic blah blah symptoms- hopeless, self loathing, trouble sleeping. There are many things in my life to be especially thankful for, but when I am in "one of my moods" it is almost impossible to see them. Everything is pathetic.

I look back at my blog entries from this time last year and there are only two- it seems I was doing okay (I have had suspicion that its the summer that does it to me). But I was working. That is a huge factor in the arrival of depressive states for me. If I have no structure, I am doomed. Everything warps- my self esteem, my perception of others, time. I can stand outside myself and see this, but I feel that I can't stop it.

I would like to write more but I'm already getting annoyed with what I've written, ha! It did help to write this much out, though. So, for now, baby steps. I will work on my assignment for school tomorrow. Writing a paper on a clip from "Cabaret" we watched.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

"Isn't this dress great? It makes her look like a dessert!"

Wouldn't it be cool if we were married and I was leaving you this note next to your coffee cup before I ran out to work. But I'm not and we're not.

Anyway, today I have a temp job putting binders together. I worked for this company before doing the same thing. It's a real hoot, nothing i like better.

I had a dream that I was helping this girl get ready for her play that she was in at my old high school. She didn't really need my help and seemed a little annoyed. Just before I woke up she showed me these wonderful Barbies she had designed as gifts for the cast. They were really cute.

I think part of the reason I had this dream was because I feel like I am in a fight with one of my friends AND because I was looking at The Rupaul Doll last night! I have a love/hate relationship with Barbies. I love them a lot, but I just can't find a place to display them. I actually gave away a lot of my Barbies (Vitametavegamin Lucy Barbie, Rosie O'Donnell Barbie, 1950's Barbie). I sort of regret doing it but they were missing stuff- Rosie was missing a shoe and 1950's Barbie was missing her microphone. (If I were to buy a Rupaul doll, the one pictured is the one I want)

Perhaps now that I have my own place I will start collecting them again. Speaking of dolls, I watched Living Dolls: The Making of a Child Beauty Queen on HBO. It's about the whole kids beauty pageant thing, very creepy but you get over that in ten minutes and turn into a stage mom wanting the girl to win at all costs. I loved it. (The title of this post came from that movie.)

I was thinking of maybe writing a little play about it, in which I could star as the child beauty pageant contestant. I also have another idea about hot guys and supermarkets. I will need some help with that, though.

P.S. (conspiracy theory) I think the Bush gang is waiting for the space shuttle to blow up and take over all news so they wont have to deal with the Karl Rove thing (that I don't really understand anyway). I don't know nothing about nothing. But come on! THE WINDOW FELL OFF!! and it was TAPED ON!

Monday, July 11, 2005

reading my book

For my class on The Holocaust, we have been assigned to read Primo Levi's Survival in Auschwitz.

I have been avoiding reading it for awhile. I've been carrying it around, thinking perhaps, that i will start reading it on a boring bus ride or while waiting for something. It's not one of those books, though. You don't just casually pull it out and start reading. It has been haunting me, even before I opened it.

When I finally started it, I felt myself trying to disconnect from it. My brain kind of going into denial- as if it was just a Stephen King story.

I didn't think I would get scared by it. I've read a few books on The Holocaust. It is so crazy how numb you get to it.

Up until now, we've been learning about how The Holocaust happened, Hitler, what the political climate was in Germany, etc. That is all much more palatable. To read the day to day experience of someone who was there is different. Don't like it.

I also became aware of how I have a personal concentration camp in my head. When I read about it, things are always set up the same. The bunks, the camp, what it looks like and sounds like at night when the inmates are sleeping- always the same.

One of the buildings or a building always looks similar to this factory (or some sort of industrial building) in Crystal Lake off of Rte. 31 near Rte. 14. That has always fascinated me- how we (or I) asimmilate things in stories to things we know- the "sets" we construct for stories that we are reading to take place in. Often stories take place a lot in my childhood or (strangely) in my friend Heather's house.

Forgive me if I quote Bette Midler again:

"The truth is scarrier by far
than anything that Stephen King could write."

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Cities and Movies

Netflix has a new feature where you can see what movies are popular in specific cities. Just for fun I compared West Hollywood, California to Colorado Springs, Colorado.

Members in and around West Hollywood, are currently renting these titles much more than other Netflix members.

1. Tarnation*
2. Straight-Jacket*
3. Latter Days
4. DiG!
5. Locked Up
6. Bad Education
7. Rebel Without a Cause: Special Edition*
8. Vera Drake*
9. Kinsey*
10. The Graduate*
11. Being Julia
12. What the #$*! Do We Know!? *
13. The Assassination of Richard Nixon
14. Six Feet Under: Season 3
15. The Sea Inside
16. A Dirty Shame
17. Team America: World Police*
18. The Jacket
19. Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
20. Hotel Rwanda
21. The Five People You Meet in Heaven
22. In the Realms of the Unreal
23. The Sopranos: Season 5
24. Primer
25. Garden State

So, no suprises. Pretty much what you would expect in West Hollywood. Colorado Springs has some really interesting choices.

Members in and around Colorado Springs, Colorado are currently renting these titles much more than other Netflix members.

1. True Lies*
2. Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
3. Down With Love*
4. Star Trek: Voyager: Season 1 (5-Disc Series)
5. Africa: The Serengeti: IMAX
6. Contact*
7. Hoosiers
8. Herbie Rides Again
9. The Secret Garden*
10. Old Yeller
11. High Crimes
12. The Perfect Storm
13. Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again
14. NASCAR: The IMAX Experience
15. XXX: Special Edition
16. A Murder of Crows
17. Control
18. Blue Collar Comedy Tour
20. Tears of the Sun
21. Band of Brothers (6-Disc Series)
22. Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London
23. Sleepover
24. The Professional
25. Resident Evil: Apocalypse

I understand all the kids movies. I assume they are being rented for kids, but what is up with the IMAX movies! Why would you rent IMAX movies if you don't have an IMAX screen in your house? Maybe they do, I've never been to Colorado Springs. Anyway, it's really interesting to see where other parts of the country are as far as renting movies.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

OCD meditation mantra

Sometimes when I'm walking and I'm bored I play a little OCD game where I pick an object or word that I see on my journey, example "Green Grass" and I keep repeating that "Green Grass, Green Grass" until I see another object or word written on a sign that starts with the same letter of the first object/word. That word is added to my mantra "Green Grass, Growing. Green Grass, Growing" and on and on until I have collected a bunch of words to my mantra. My focus stays on collecting words and repeating them in order. It's sort of a walking meditation because it totally gets your mind off of whatever negative thoughts or internal gossip or emotional spiraling you are immersed in. Feel free to give it a try.

This is what I ended up with when I got home:

Green Grass Growing GE Gorgeous GAIA Gorilla General God

Green Grass (self explanatory)

Growing (I saw ivy growing)

GE (I saw a pothole with this on it)

Gorgeous (A house I saw on Wilson was gorgeous)

GAIA (saw a GAIA clothes collection box)

Gorilla (not sure what this was, it was on a sign)

General (again, on a sign, General Contracting I think)

God (on a church)

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

on the way to the dentist

Sit like you're a man when you're at the Western train stop. When there are men with missing teeth saying they "...didn't get out of jail till two o'clock this morning," sit with your leg resting on your knee, not crossed like a faggot.

Speaking of missing teeth. Remember to brush and floss your teeth everyday and night. Be obsessive about it, so you won't have to be sitting at the Western Metra station on your way to your sister's dentist in Franklin Park. You won't have to borrow fifty dollars from your sister for a consultation to see just how bad the damage is.

I don't ever want to go to jail. I don't ever want to end up with people like this. Now they're talking about the military. I don't want to go into the military either. Tossing around words like Taliban and Saudis. They don't know what the hell they're talking about, no one does. No teeth man says to his African American friend, "You ever seen the movie, uh, uh, Black Hawk Down?" No I haven't, and I don't want to -- thank you. I am not included in the conversation, thankfully. Escaping into candy coated Gwen Stefani.

The lighter I am using has the telltale signs of a pot smoker. I don't know why it gets all black on the bottom- is it for "packing bowls?" All I know is that means that someone has been using it for pot smoking. I wonder from which friend I stole this. Which of my friends has been smoking pot with a white lighter. Sounds like bad luck if you ask me.

Now I sit more faggoty. It's too hot to pretend I'm straight. Too hot to sit like a man.

A bee floats from bench to bench and lands on my coffee cup briefly.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

workin the lateshift, listening to music

I haven't written anything in awhile. Just can't seem to translate my thoughts into words.

During one of the eighteen naps I took today, I had a dream that involved me serving mugs of some liquid but they all had mustaches in them. Really weird. Someone (that I was serving) complained that the mustache they had in their mug was too big and hairy.

I went to Rob and Andy's to watch "Can't Stop The Music" the wonderful Village People movie. Because I slept all day everything, including the movie, seemed half dreamy.

So, I'm going to try to stay up all night and then all day to get my sleeping on schedule. You might think that is stupid and maybe it is. But I didn't really ask you.

I am listening to "Hell Song" by Sum 41. I heard that it was about one of the band member's friends who got HIV. But who knows.

Now the song playing is "Paninaro 95" by the Pet Shop Boys. It is from "Popart: The Hits," their second greatest hits album. I like that the songs are not chronological. There will be an old song and then a new song. So that's cool. Part of the lyrics are:

"Now you've gone, I'm all alone
My heart is broken and I don't wanna go home
You know it's all over, you're out of luck
You feel so low you wanna self-destruct
I needed you and you loved me too
but now I don't know what I'm gonna do
But life moves on, I'm talking history
and now I've got to find someone who'll dance with me"

I enjoy this song. It is sung/rapped by Chris Lowe the "cute" member of The Pet Shop Boys. The (double) cd is great. I insist that you download it illegally right now.

Now I am listening to a song called "The Real Thing" from Gwen Stefani's album. I've been kind of addicted to this song since I reintrouduced myself to this album. I made copies of cds for my friend Hillary (American Life by Madonna, the aforementioned Pet Shop Boys cds, and the Gwen Stefani album). Here are my favorite lyrics to this song.

"You're a salty water ocean wave
You knock me down, you kiss my face
I know the storms will always come
But I still love to have you around"

I don't think she is referring to actually being knocked down (by her boyfriend). I think she means it metaphorically. I also like the idea of remembering that there will always be storms and that they will always come. It's good to remember that things aren't going to be perfect and that there are going to be huge emotional trainwrecks. Now, I don't really have anyone to apply this song to but I like to pretend I have a boyfriend when I'm listening to songs. Sometimes it's about a friend or sometimes I even apply them to myself. It's a fun game.

On top of sleeping and feeling generally crappy the last couple of days I have also been feeling creatively challenged. When I don't have a creative outlet or I don't feel like my voice is being heard I don't like it. Everything I write or do is shit. shit. shit.

I am feeling a little better now that I'm getting this out. Now I am listening to "Electric Youth" by Debbie (now Deborah) Gibson. I remember when they sold "Electric Youth" perfume at Walgreens. I wanted to be a girl sooo bad so I could buy it. Madonna is going to have a perfume coming out but I don't want to get into that right now.

Now I am listening to "It's Raining Men" by Rupaul and Martha Wash. I saw Rupaul at Pridefest last weekend. I enjoyed it very much. I am so happy that it wasn't all lip synched and shit. The bitch can sing, she can work it.

I wonder if my music is too loud. I imagine the hispanic woman next door with her son is trying to sleep and all she can hear is Rupaul. I don't think it's that loud but I have no idea. I haven't really heard anyone else.

"God bless mother nature, she's a single woman too."