Monday, November 29, 2004


I was in bed listening to a Carrie Fisher audiobook that I already listened to, pretending that she was my friend. More on parasocial relationshIps later...

Anyway I decided to get up and found a message from That's All Jack. I watched her video, which I loved and saw the quote "Everything you can imagine is real." I think I am just discovering that.

Going to school has burned new synaptic pathways in my brain. I realized I am capable of so much more than I ever thought. Sorry if I'm talking in greeting cards.

Anyway here is the video link again for I Live and Work Here This is Me, it's about moving.

P.S. Here is another video that gave me goosebumps- Power of Goodbye (Contact and Madonna and The Wizard of Oz blended deliciously). I can't wait to take video production classes. I hope I don't have a crappy teacher.

Friday, November 26, 2004


Off the el at Division. Did I go up the right staircase? Yes. I went up the one closest to the exit closest to my house. The house I will probably move out of in May. Shame.

Up with the detachable microfleece hood slash scarf. Hood frames my view of Division. Free to smoke now Jeremy; thank you, i will. Oxygen might be good after that breathtaking two flights of stairs. No thanks to the oxygen. Yes to the Marlboro Medium. Lighter doesn't light. No worry, just needs to get warmed up in my hand.

There are smoking fetishes. Not into it. I'm usually up for a fetish; not one involving encouragement of potentially deadly behavior. I won't be holding a smoking fetish night anytime soon. I won't be inviting smokesuck98 and cameLFilter over to engage in smoke drenched orgies.


Pardon me, You must have mistaken me for someone with good credit
I haven't purchased any new clothes in over a year. My hair is growing into a mullet. No, I'm sorry I can't leave this room. Not this weekend.

Keeping things under control here.
Keeping a close eye on things from my bed.

temporary employee

I am temping. I am on the 34th floor at 181 W. Madison. High above the street. Ridiculous, really. So high. They don't allow smoking at my desk. Unusual. "SG Americas Securities" is the name of the joint. I think I am sitting at the desk of a gay man. A Disney Villains coffee mug. I have one at home on my desk. Three muscular action figures. A giant rubber band ball. A postcard from Dollywood (really want to go there.)

Just sneezed on my arm and green stuff flew out of my mouth and on to my shirt. Classy.

Dream on Thanksgiving Day:

Kara and I were in line for Great America. A security guard was searching through my bag and found my journal and scanned it for dirty words or controversial material. He found some bad words and wouldn't allow me entry into the park. Kara took a liking to this guy and they went off inside Great America. I waited outside Great America for Kara. Each page of my journal had been ripped down the center.

Monday, November 08, 2004


(assignment to write about picture that looked like a cult)

Thank you for coming. My name is Sheila, I'll be your buddy for the first day. You can put your things in the cloak room. Don't worry about theft. There is no theft in our community. We share everything.

I hope your journey was pleasant. It can be hard to find the compound. But that's how we like it-- remote, cozy.

You will notice that we don't ask about your past life. This is unimportant. What is important is that you are here now. You are part of your real family now.

Let me tell you what you can expect.

First, we have morning devotion. I am so excited for you. This will be the first time you will meet Mr. K. He loves you. Mr. K loves loves you so much.

Then we have our first meal. This is the first time you will meet your sisters and brothers. It's so wonderful to be able to share a meal with so many people who love you.

Then we start our work devotion. You will work in the harvest rooms, as most newcomers do. We grow all our own fruits and vegetables here, indoors. You will learn how to handle the food so gently and discover such love for it.

Then we have another devotion celebration for Mr. K.

You will need to memorize this and be able to recite it for Mr. K:

Mr K, I have so much love for you,
and what you represent for myself
and my sisters
and my brothers

You represent the will of the people
of your community

I love you and thank you for teaching us the
values and morals that will
allow me to become a productive member of our community

The rest of the day is yours to wander the compound or select a book from the library of books written or approved by Mr. K.

I'm so excited you are here.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

lord, here comes the flood

Just got back from Bette Midler concert with Rob. It was beautiful, wonderful --everything I remembered and more. Like going to a big beautiful church.

Yet, somehow I'm empty.

I don't usually like to post my emotions on my blog. Ugh-- but I'm feeling so drained I need to let it out- all over you.

Everything I say is wrong. Everything I'm wearing doesn't fit. My attempts at holding onto sanity are laughable. And everyone knows it. Goddam depression, bipolar, general anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality blah blah blah whatever the hell this is.

I know that I can hold on. I've been through this before, and will go through it again and hold on. It really fucking sucks though.

Yeah, I don't know where I'm going with this. Again, that's why I don't write stuff like this.

Mama needs to get to sleep and start this whole song and dance again tomorrow.