Wednesday, September 25, 2002
I haven't written in a while.
I spent the whole night working on a mix cd. I stayed up until 3 pm. I called it "My October Symphony," after the song of the same name. That song reminds me of fall. I always listen to it this time of the year.
I remember listening to it driving to psychotherapy in Gurnee. I loved taking my mom's car to Gurnee. Therapy seemed cleansing and productive then. With the therapists I have now, I feel like I should be the therapist. I think what I like about that therapist in Gurnee was he laughed at my jokes and made me feel important. My problems were less complex then, it seemed.
Thursday, August 22, 2002
I think I have stepped through the looking glass. Today I was having a delayed action/sensation-- I'd move my arm and then I would feel it move like a second later.
Must mean I'm dying. Also, lots of anxiety the last couple weeks. Like lay in my bed after work anxiety.
Yeah, I don't know.
Thursday, August 01, 2002
She's the kind of woman who you would somehow have to babysit for. There would be smashed cheerios all over the floor. A remote control with a missing back and some dried soup or something on it. The video collection would consist of one Disney movie box with no tape in it and an abs of steel video. They'd have cable but there phone would only have pulse, no tone. There would be a broken papazan chair involved.
Her husband would come home an hour after you got there and say "Oh, you're Alex!" but you're not Alex. You'd pretend you didn't hear right and mumble, "Yeah." He'd stay for like two hours and act like it's normal that you are there babysitting his kids.
This is the kind of woman who asked me to hold her baby today, after I asked her to sign so she could borrow a key.
Irritated sigh. "Can you hold him?"
Loaded diaper on my forearm. Disgusting. Same woman who teaches yoga and stupidly opened the emergency door.
Sunday, July 28, 2002
Who shot JFK?
I just got done watching JFK. I have seen it many times before. I have such a terrible memory so I am always shocked to discover it wasn't Lee Harvey Oswald.
That darn Oliver Stone, gets me everytime.
Friday, July 26, 2002
So, I went ahead and slept 24 hours. Not feeling very good. Going to be fired, I can smell it.
Thursday, July 25, 2002
Little flashes of memory...
A pepsi can wrapped in tin foil for a field trip.
Changing the drive thru board at McDonalds in the winter.
Driving around in a friend's car, which smelled like vanilla, listening to Gloria Estefan, eating White Castle Hamburgers.
Being put in the daycare center while my mom and dad bowled, falling asleep in the quiet room and waking up as my dad put me to bed.
Wednesday, July 24, 2002
My favorite celebrity women as of today and quotes...
1. Tammy Faye Baker-"(In my purse)...I've got breath savers. Gum. Vitamins. Lipstick. Combs. Keys. Old Kleenex. And a Pizza Hut voucher, medium, any way you want it. I got two Allerest. And I've got three cookies. "
2. Sandra Bernhard- "If you wake up some long lonely night and feel that you're all alone, remember... you are."
3.Barbara Mandrell- "I don’t believe in gun control. I believe in gun management. I am responsible and educated. You ride in my car, you wear your seatbelt. You come to my house, my guns are locked in a safe."
4. Jackie Kennedy-"Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes."
5.Dolly Parton-"I do have big tits. Always had 'em-pushed 'em up, whacked 'em around. Why not make fun of 'em? I've made a fortune with 'em. "
The journal entry I could post...
I could talk about how I'm super depressed and how I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I could tell you how I sleep all day and wake up at like 5 and rent a movie and eat pizza or something gross and then watch tv until 3 in the morning. I could tell you how I take three different anti-depressants/anxiety medications and that they dont seem to be working (if they are working how depressed and freaked out would I really be?). I could tell you my plans when I get off work which include sleeping, sleeping and then maybe sleeping.
But I won't.
I'm outside the majestic CCPA, where I work, smoking my cigarette, listening to Alanis Morrisette, pondering my insanity and mortality. Up comes a yoga instructor for the summer theatre camp with a baby in a blue papoose-sling device, three teenage girls milling about around her. She gives me the international sign for "take off your headphones."
"Do you have a key to get in? The door is locked."
I put on my headphones again. Two minutes later she interrupts the music video I'm obviously in.
"Could you go smoke," she points across the street "over there. I'm just gonna have to teach my class outside."
I come back after finishing my cigarette.
"We found a way in! The Emergency door is unlocked!"
"Ok, well the alarm will go off if you try to go in that way."
She proceeds to go in with her three obnoxious teenagers.
The alarm goes off as I smoke another cigarette. Knowing that I will be blamed for it.
The manager of the building, my boss, drives up. I tell him the story. He freaks out. If it goes off for longer than five minutes, the police come and if there is no emergency it's a $100 ticket, which I knew. He tells me that I should have been more forceful.
I'm not even sposd to be here till 9. I don't start policing the area until then and I wasn't about to start a match of wits with crazy yoga lady who walks around like she owns the place.
In the Bell Jar again.
Monday, July 22, 2002
I'm so close to buying TIVO, I might cut myself.
(joking about the cutting part)
A friend told me once that people who hit their peak in high school are pitiful.
I think I am one of those people.
More to come....
"Do you know where you're going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Where are you going to?"- Diana Ross Theme from Mahogany
It's real hot and I don't know what I want to do with my life. I was talking to a friend about possibly taking a EKG certification course. Seriously considering it. Need to make enough money to pay for my apartment and all the things i've come to depend on like air conditioning, DSL, cable tv, running water.
I have to do something. I need to stop. Think about it. Drink a tall glass of water and think about it. Don't panic. Don't panic. One foot in front of the other. Babysteps.
Where is Jeremy hanging out these days? What fantastic crowd is he running around with? How can I get in on the scene?
You don't really think I'm going to let you in on the really personal stuff in my life, do you?
Let me tell you right here, right now that I am a very private person. I will entertain you with some random thoughts that will make you chuckle or think to yourself, "That Crazy Jeremy!"
If you came here looking for inside information on my life, you're barking up the wrong tree.
Ooooo, I'm sitting at Starbucks with a Venti Coffee.
Ooooo, on the Starbucks tip!
I'm sitting at the window facing the street and all the people going to work. I'm listening to "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) by C&C Music Factory. I thought this song was so cool when it first came out, a revolution in music. It still is pretty good. Shit, it just started to skip a little.
It would be cool if you could smoke in Starbucks. I bet many people would think otherwise.
The Venti coffee is hitting me pretty F'n hard right about now, Yo, Yo, Yo!!!