Monday, August 28, 2006

everything i need to know, i learned from watching big brother

Just want to let you all know I appreciate you putting up with me through the last weeks of Big Brother 7: All Stars. I have never watched or been obsessed with a television show this much, ever. It will soon be over and I will be free to go back to my hobbies: hiking, volleyball and watersports.

what i've learned from watching big brother:

Everyone, ultimately, is out for themselves.
Never really understood this fully before. I realize now we all want to win in life, not necessarily at the expense of others. Sometimes we hurt other people in the process.

People Lie.

Lies in so many colors, white lies, big flaming red purple lies. Lies all over the place. Lies coming out of our ears. Because we are afraid, because we want things, don't want things, because we're bored, because we want to be more interesting, on and on.

People exercise.

I miss California.
Bright sunny days and crispy cool nights. No ridiculous sweaty smelly humidity.

I want to go in a hot tub and have a beer.
One time in my old apartment I had a Corona and took a shower. So trashy but so relaxing.

I like bad boys with dark hair.
Robert Downey Jr. and Dr. Will Kirby.

Oh and please take a moment out of your life and humor me and watch this video!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

waking life

dreamed i was at a new school and i had to sign into their library system on a computer system. the library was huge and i kept changing computers because i couldnt figure out the sign in system. i finally found one and sat down and there was this cute guy sitting next to me. he warned me that if i tried to do anything that i better check in with mike upstairs. i told him "look, i dont know who mike is or where upstairs is so..."

i figured out the sign in system which consisted of the mouse being sucked into one of those tubes they have at banks.

after i signed in the cute guy told me "dude, you are attractive i could get you work on tv or in print." i wasnt buying it.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

one day my soul just opened up

a whiff of fall in the air. soon the beaches of lake michigan will be caked with snow and ice and i shall be in my apartment with the radiator on. i laugh at the radiator now. haha. you are not my friend radiator. the air conditioner is my real friend. but the radiator sits knowingly. knowingly sits.

this time of the year reminds me of my once yearly trips to the mental hospitals of mchenry county. gather round children for another story of auntie jeremy going crazy.

the first time i went to the hospital there was a friendly blonde counselor lady who really helped me. i cant remember why i was there. i was shaky anxiety boy. i remember seeing the book by iyanla vanzant, "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up" in her office. actually, i dont think it was her office because when i asked if i could borrow the book she gave me a "you're kidding" look. this twenty year old boy wanting to borrow an inspirational book written primarily for women in the oprah demographic. she had no idea.

i dont remember much about the book but i remember that it helped me for two or three days. as self help books go for me. i liked the cover the most. i think the cover helped me more and for longer.

recently, as i lay, lie on my couch staring at the television i remembered the book and its cover. this is what i want fall to be for me. what summer wasn't i want fall to be.
vibrant colors. with the ability to breathe.

i think the hospital for me was a place where i felt safe to vomit up all the scary terrible stuff in my life. just feelings packed so tightly together. i needed to explode. couldnt breathe.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Jeremy: The Comeback Post

Good Morning dear readers. I wish I was Ann Landers or Dear Abby typing away at a crusty old typewriter. I want to answer all the questions give all the advice. Cut the bullshit and talk turkey. What's going on! Let's figure it out.

I'll tell you what's going on with me. I'm in the throws of a slump. Every week can't be a winning week and this sure hasn't been my month. The finances are ridiculous. Can't get a pack of cigarettes without doing a song and dance, and the pack is gone before I'm done dancing. Clowns to the left jokers to the right, you understand? I dont.

It seems every night, instead of enjoying a blissful slumber I'm laying in bed imagining what my future will be. What's in store for this two bit lazy faggot with a pot belly and bad feet? It can't be good. Ultimately, no matter which way you shake it, "The Jeremy Show" ends in death. Maybe not tragedy, but death.

And what will I have left to the world? "There are only two worthwhile things to leave behind when you depart this world: Children and art." The former is highly doubtful and I can guarantee it wouldn't be a pretty picture and the latter has thus far proven to be mediocre. If not mediocre, then less than lucrative.

But let's turn that frown upside down. Let's talk about hot boys. Who's hot! Let's talk about who's hot.

Will Kirby, Big Brother: All Stars
A doctor! A doctor! I can't believe I'm marrying a doctor! Dr. Will teach me how to wash my face!!! He sells facebrushes on infomercials and is the star of Big Brother. Can't get enough of him. I want to get a sexy lecture from him about my terrible skin care. I don't wash my face. Unless you call running the shower water over your head pretending to be in the Madonna "Rain" video washing your face. I prefer a smoked out, ashen look.

Morgan Spurlock, 30 Days
I'm a sucker for a handlebar mustaches and futile attempts to save the world from the inevitable social, environmental and political apocalypse we see before us. Break it down for me Morgan. Let's try save the world, and let's try to save the world on FX. Fox light! Just because theres no O doesn't mean you aren't getting paid by Rupert Murdoch. But I don't care who you're getting paid by as long as you love me.

Leonardo Dicaprio and Toby Maguire at the beach

That's what I'm talking about. I like a little meat on the bones. One time I made out with this wiry, rickety, skinny boy in Wicker Park and it was like making out with a starved greyhound dog. Give me a nice overweight guy in a bad swimsuit. Life is too short not to be overweight! I mean, I guess I mean just eat. Have a great summer go to the beach, let it all hang out. Wear your Teva sandals. Get sand in your asscrack. I can't go with you right now because I have no money for the bus, but you go. You live it up, I'm telling you-- you aren't getting any younger.You just aren't. Enjoy your flabby, well fed, sexy bodies while you can. No one is going to want to go to the beach with you when you are old and dusty and you are pooping your scented adult diapers.

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. Blecch. I've been up all night trying to pretend like things are going to be okay. And they aren't. Life is impossible. It will always be impossible and nonsensical and mostly shitty. The more you try to plan the more it's just going to be a mess. And if you are able to hold it all down and organize it- you've turn into a rigid neurotic mess that no one wants to be around anyway. Do what you want to do and do it until it makes other people hate you. Then you'll find out who your real friends are. Buy shit you don't need. I have so many candy coated nuggets of wisdom for you this morning-- I should take calls. I should "open up the phone lines." I have poured myself 2 cups of French Roast grandiosity. Good to the last drop.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006


Hey listen folks I'm just up on the third floor drinking a slimfast and feeling shitty. I guess it boils down to work. I am pissed off that I have no money but I have made no attempt to find work.

I don't want to work at an irritating coffee shop. I wouldn't mind getting the random hot guys latte. It's the training and the names of blends and roasts and coffeephilia that really gets under my skin. Blechh.

I don't want to work at an office. Lots of negative energy all around. Ladies waiting to get married or waiting to get divorced.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

why i bother with big brother

from salon article by By Heather Havrilesky

"Welcome to the modern world, where we're all sucking on the same pop cultural crack pipe, but only the unrefined among us will admit that they inhale....

Lowbrow or not, all most of us want from TV is the chance to glimpse something true, just a peek at those strange little tics and endearing flaws that make us human. While the networks' safe little formulas mostly seem devoid of such charms, reality shows have the power to amuse, anger, appall, surprise, but most of all, engage us. Isn't that the definition of entertainment?"

Monday, August 07, 2006

i am a royal jackass!

this occured to me today. it would have been nice if someone told me. i guess there have been hints, clues along the way. whispers from god as oprah would say.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

some walk by night

i had a dream that i was put in jail for a crime i did not commit. it was an amusement park jail and there was a gayland and i wasnt sure if i could stay there or not. i was just sort of dropped off at this jail/amusement park and felt like i should check in with someone before i started exploring the various themed burros. i enjoyed the gay area of the jail very much. it ended badly i believe- someone coming to get me out of the gay area. chew on that one. i was thinking about the moonlighting soundtrack. i got it during the moonlighting craze of the late nineteen eighties. i was very young don't recall how it came into my posession. yes i do. it was given to my grandfather as a promotional something or other because he was a tv critic. did i mention that? felt very special for having it. love television soundtracks, they seem so unneccessary. it was a record.
can't remember what my point was. just that i liked it, i guess.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Kara Buller Live!

On my breaks from watching the Big Brother Live internet feed, I have been helping my good friend Kara with her one woman show "Kara Buller Live!" The show is a cavalcade of crazy characters including a twelve steppin' lesbian stand up comedian and an insane housewife from the fifties. You won't want to miss this, it's really funny.

"Kara Buller Live!" premieres this Friday night at 8PM at The Cornservatory, 4210 N. Lincoln Ave. Ten dollars. Feel free to bring wine, beer, etc. because it's BYOB. Awwww yeahhh. The show will continue on Fridays through August.