from this moment

Yesterday, I was outside smoking on a break from my science class. A very cute (not hot-cute, more hello kitty-cute) gay guy walked passed and bumped into who I assume was a former teacher.

"Hey we've got to stop running into each other like this."
"How are you doing, you're not in any of my classes this semester."

They went on in easy breezy conversation. I thought if it was me running into an old teacher I wouldn't stop. Maybe a quick "Hi, how are you." But no extended conversation, that could be disastrous. I don't want to do that to myself or anyone else.

So, after exchanging pleasantries, this guy said he was excited because he was planning to go to California and get married to his boyfriend of three and a half years. The teacher became very excited, "Oh my god, that's great, CONGRATULATIONS!!" I wondered if, despite the excitement she demonstrated, she felt a little sick to her stomach. I'm gay and I felt queasy.

Then he went on in nauseating detail about how they were getting some special friend to do the ceremony and how he couldn't believe this was happening to him and how strange life is, one moment you think you are all alone, the next your going to California to have a commitment ceremony.

Yuck.

I know that most or all of my disgust comes from jealousy. I wish I was registering at Target. I wish I had a boyfriend, lover, partner, companion.

People who aren't in relationships are annoyed by those that are. We're happy for you, about as happy as we are for the person that won the lottery. We are the ones sitting, smoking and rolling our eyes (as Kara said last night). Give us that. Let us own that. That's all we have.

I was reading Family Circle or Woman's Day or something at my parent's house and there was this quiz that rated your attractiveness based on questions like, "Do you exercise? Do you take care of your body? Are you passionate about what you do? Are you focused?" No, Piss off.

We'll get there. Just give us a minute!