Friday, April 28, 2006


i spent a wonderful evening watching suzanne somers sell a deep fryer on qvc. really a delight! i almost sent out an emergency mass email to alert everyone to turn on hsn, but i stopped myself. i regret that. the good news is that somers will be on hsn all weekend selling chocolate maple truffle bars, raspberry mousse, facial toning machines and on and on. set your dvrs and vcrs.

last night was the first night that i almost picked up the phone and spent the last twenty dollars in my checking account on a suzanne somers product. the product was an oversized decorative tea cup with a built in infuser. i almost bought it for my mom for mothers day. it looked like something out of alice in wonderland. the cup looked like a flower and the saucer it rested on looked like a leaf. suzanne kept saying that the leaf also looked like a heart. i didnt think it looked like a heart. i mean it did, sort of, but that wasnt the point.

they kept talking it up and gushing over the damn thing and you could see how fast they were selling as they kept oohing and ahhing. it was orgasmic. and then it sold out. the host and suzanne congratulated everyone who got it and i had to accept that i didnt get it.

seriously, im not fucking around. watch hsn this weekend. it will change your life.

"Suzanne brings you products she develops and uses herself - so you know she absolutely adores them. Now every woman can experience the world as a goddess."

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I get by faking my recovery

I want to have parties.
I want to have a boyfriend.
I want to- want to stop smoking.
I want to live in a little bungalow in the Los Angeles. So I can have afternoon visits from my very hilarious friends. They love me and I love them.
I want to do crazy drag acts.
I want to live near the ocean or a lake.
I want to thank everyone who has ever helped me, been there for me.
I want my parents to live forever.
I want to go to Studio 54 in the seventies and do coke and have crazy sex and not worry that I will die.
I love Chicago, but I want more- bigger. I want the whole world to be a city.

Monday, April 17, 2006

as if i never said goodbye

had a bad dream about being in a cult. then i had another bad dream that they were making special madonna "confessions on a dancefloor" cigarettes. they had the album cover on the box and the cigarettes were purple. i was really angry because the clerk would not let me buy them for some reason. i was furious.

had easter brunch with my family at the pheasant run resort in st. charles. it was very nice in a suburban vacation desination sort of way. they had a petting zoo for the kids in the parking lot. my three nephews fed chickens and ducks and lots of other vague barnyard animals. goats? sheep? was that a donkey or some sort of retarted horse? anyway, made me want to go on vacation.

the last "vacation" i went on was with Kara to minneapolis for a spoken word convention/festival. this was about 3 years ago. we were to read stuff that we had written at different places in minneapolis. one was a coffee shop with about three people watching. i was out of my mind nervous. i got up to read and i was literally having a seizure, shaking so bad. very funny because it was seriously like reading to three people at a very empty starbucks. i was booked for another "gig" but i cancelled it. that was the last time i "performed" in public (not counting my speech class). the highlight for me was seeing the statue of mary tyler moore throwing her hat up in the air, and we went to a drag show that was pretty good.

i would really like to go to new york in may and see peter and the new sandra bernhard show. also would like to visit heather in arizona. if i had lots of money i would love to take my whole family to disneyworld. i do get very homesick on vacation s. i always want to cut it short.

also, i dont like flying.

Saturday, April 15, 2006


In Crystal Lake for Easter weekend. I spotted American Idol top twenty contestant David Radford (from Crystal Lake Central) in a minivan at the bank. My mom and I were driving home from Chili's and I told her to slow down so I could see if it was really him (he was driving behind us). I kept checking and checking, it was him, it was him.

Everytime I looked I wanted to throw up, I think because he just stared back at me. But so fascinating to me.

I love celebrities. I really do. Can't get enough. Oprah says that worshipping celebrities is dangerous because it takes you off your path to becoming your authentic self. Of course, she says this on television speaking to millions of viewers from her white leather couch.

Happy Easter.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

has anyone ever written anything for you?

The audience will be able to view the shadow of my naked larva body metamorphosing into a butterfly as I descend from the ceiling encased in a neon pink vinyl cocoon. As I fly out on Peter Pan cables singing Billy Joels "Pressure," my glittering wingspan and suprisingly toned shirtless chest will delight all those lucky enough to witness.

Honey, I've been locked up in this studiopad for way to long. It's all been administrative- must do taxes, must fill out financial aid forms, must look on craigslist for jobs half-heartedly, blah, blah, blah.

Everything's coming up manic! We've got Madonna's "Sorry" Pet Shop Boys 7" Remix pulsing on the iPod stereo/alarm clock that I did receive for Christmas from my parents. I LAUGH in the face of Christmas. Christmas is so winter. Christmas is so having to let my parents dog back in and thinking I can do it in my socks, but my socks get snow and ice all over them and I just want to die. But that's all over now.

It's all "Guys Gone Wild" and bodyshots and sand encrusted underwear from here on out. I won't have it any other way. Someone grab me a Corona Light and a pack of smokes-- let's go to the beach.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

towers and trees

It keeps changing.
I see towers
Where there were trees.
All the stillness,
The solitude,
All the time,
When things were beautiful...

All things are beautiful,
All trees, all towers,
That tower-
Beautiful, Mother,
A perfect tree.

Pretty isn't beautiful, Mother,
Pretty is what changes.
What the eye arranges
Is what is beautiful.

-"Beautiful," Sunday In The Park With George

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

right here, right now

today i woke up and decided that i was going to try and look like i am not homeless. hard to do when you haven't done laundry in about a month.

i'm having a little bit of anxiety about how i don't have anxiety right now. i'm used to a crushing, squeezing sensation in my chest and stomach. i'm used to feeling like my head is stuck in vice. but right now, im feeling a little like, hmm at peace.

i just realized it's because i took a ativan. hahahaha. i seriously forgot i took that. that explains it (now i'm anxious because i think that i'm losing short term memory).

i'm sitting at computer Kiosk 1A at Columbia College waiting for my class to start. Lots of other busy little bees typing-- myspacing, emailing, blog reading themselves away. real heavy breather next to me in a mustard sweat suit and baseball cap turned to one side. seriously sounds like he is snoring.

a lot of really unfortunate outfits:
decoratively frayed denim jacket numbers
floral ties
bad black painters jeans
hoodies (mmmm, throw a hoodie on and some pajama pants-- so comfy! barf)
big stupid black sneakers with dirt all over them
whimsical hipster t-shirts with unrecognizable and senseless designs that no one knows what the hell it is

if you look around you can really make yourself feel better by criticizing what other people wear (even if you look like shit yourself). you should try it.

now, that's not the kind of karma i should be putting out into the world. i send love and light to all god's children. the lord is my shepherd.