Saturday, September 29, 2012

That crazy Donner Party!

I am just about done listening to "Desperate Passage," about the Donner Party. I was terrified to read/listen to this- but it was on sale on for $4.95 and I was intrigued. Not knowing much about the situation I had visions in my mind of a crazy flesh eating family of pioneer zombies terrorizing the wild west.

Turns out they were just realllly hungry. And really wanted to get to California! Two things I can relate to in different ways. Their story is fascinating. I have never been so motivated in my life as these people. I can't imagine just heading into a complete unknown searching for a better life. Such courage and faith.

Today I woke up and chatted online and then went back to bed and woke up and went back to bed, etc. Not depressed- just bored. Meanwhile, the Donner Party is going 2 miles an hour, creeping their way to California- eating shoestrings, their pants, their family - just trying to get to friggin California for Christ's sake. I could just take a relatively pleasant and moderately priced Southwest flight, pop a Lunesta and I'm in Los Angeles in no time. I would quickly become bored with Los Angeles, miss my cats and want to come home.

I love I love audiobooks- ever since I was little. I remember those little 45 records you used to get with a picture book. I listened to "Bedtime for Frances" so many times. I can't tell you what the story was about- something about a bear (was she a bear?) not wanting to go to bed. I moved on to biographies about Carol Burnett and Joan Rivers. Later I got into Stephen King. Stephen King is one of the best storytellers. Just a master- the Shakespeare of our times. Quote me on that. The battle between good and evil- so simple but so beautiful.

The Donner Party were not evil. That's what I learned from this book. They were just doing what they had to do to survive. But, like I said, my imagination can scare up such horrifying fantasies about things I know nothing about. How many other things do I avoid or condemn in my mind when I have absolutely no idea what the facts are or what I'm talking about.

I remember during 9/11 I became terrified of Anthrax. I imagined the most horrible terrible things. But it's a skin rash, flu like symptoms and then you die or don't die. No walk in the park by any stretch of the imagination- but nothing like I imagined. I just looked up the symptoms on the CDC website and one of the FAQ's is, "How can I know my cold or flu is not anthrax?" Good God!

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Twisted Blankets

I have acute sinusitis and acute bronchitis- allergies that turned into something much more dramatic. I wish that I could get on the side of dramatic and embrace it. Lay in my bed and watch movies with my cats but I keep getting the urge to get up and do something but I have no energy and that makes me mad so I sleep.

I am trying to hang out on the porch for a bit with my Diet Coke and coffee and write something but it is very hard to resist my bed. I also don't like that it is difficult to tell the difference between depression and acute sinusitis and bronchitis.

It's a neverending cycle of coughing and guilt, fever and self loathing.  I am spiraling down a hole while dirty laundry and unwatered plants scream at me and pieces of kitty litter are stuck to my feet. My bed is covered with empty Diet Coke bottles, pretzel rod crumbs and half a bag of uneaten Sour Patch Kids. Twisted blankets never covering the right places, pillows never supporting correctly as I spiral down further and further.

But in my Robotussin dreams, I am able to channel the most beautiful scene- a white washed architectural balcony overlooking a blue blue ocean, populated with beautiful men. I never see their faces just snapshots of broad pale shoulders, chocolate abs, complex muscular thighs. A feeling that all is well, that I am always invited back here.A calm euphoria, taking barefoot steps on warm white stucco. Not knowing my point of being here but not wanting to leave.

Saturday, September 08, 2012

Red Bettys

Oh Sudafed you dirty little jagged red pill. So teensy tiny shiny red.

My late summer cold gives me an excuse to ride the Suda-train with tiny little red wheels.
 It's thrilling that I have to get it from behind the counter. Show my license, sign my signature. I worry that some day I will hit my limit. That I'll be accused of having a little meth lab in my bedroom. Brewing up some Tina and watching Cupcake Wars. I am simply not that ambitious.

I think that Sudafed might be an effective adjunct treatment for Bipolar Disorder. I can't speak for the other crazies but when I pop those pills it takes about ten minutes and I am LOCKED IN. What I mean by that is- I feel like all the nauseous-esque, jittery, mildly psychotic energy is locked down and I can focus for a few hours. My concentration is in peak condition. My enjoyment of music and life are heightened. I'm just real chatty and generally a slightly insane ray of sunshine for all to bask in.

Or these could just be the expected effects of amphetamines. I have never "taken meth" which is good because I think I would be happily hooked. I'd be an itchy, paranoid ray of sunshine with no teeth. I have watched people take meth (I'll explain later). Little glass tube with a ball on the end lit with a lighter. These folks are not living the high class Sudafed lifestyle I enjoy every change of season. These people are real itchy and real turned on and unfortunately at the same time, very unattractive.

Authentic "Meth Chic" is never a good look for anyone. Heroin does have a photographic appeal. The super skinny 90's models, skeletal Kate Moss with a smoky eye. The look can be done very well.

The downside of the S-Hole, as I've come to call it, is that after about 3 hours rolling on the red bettys I get EXTREMELY ANNOYED AT EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. I am EXHAUSTED- I try to lay down and fall asleep for 10 minutes, awakened quickly with what feels like a heart attack. Unfortunately I am not taking the red pills but a mixture of a Mucinex and Pseudoephedrine. These look like horse pills and aren't as easy on the eyes. It's time for my next pill.