Friday, June 30, 2006

deleted scenes

here are some blog posts that i never finished or never posted:


i just looked in the mirror. who is this person with the long hair? who are you-- long haired freako boy? cut your hair and shape up! i want a shaved clean cut haircut. none of this sissy shit. tip top shape. i want a haircut that makes sense. it confuses me.

its such a neurotic thing i've started with this hair.

I'd like to know where you got the notion...

Yesterday, I downloaded a bunch of disco songs. During my trip on the bus to school down Lakeshore drive I listened to "Rock The Boat" by the Hues Corporation. The waves were really outstanding and the disco horns and strings and my caffeine high had me in a Studio54-cocaine-promiscuous-sex trance.

I never did cocaine, thank god. It would be the end of me. I am so addicted to cigarettes, I can't imagine what I would be like with "blow". A long long time ago I went to a party and was offered me some. Luckily, a friend told me that with my history of

a day in the life

My current routine. I get up at about 6 AM-ish when I have school. Smoke a cigarette in bed, dangerously half asleep. Put some coffee on. Usually turn NPR on but don't listen at all. Take my pills: Lexapro, Trileptal, Prilosec. Brush my teeth, put on some deodorant, get dressed. Set my microwave timer for when I have to leave the house. Sit down at my computer, smoke and drink coffee and an Ensure, surf the web.

This is my favorite time of the day.

The microwave timer goes off. I push it another ten minutes or so. Finally get up and put on my jacket - making sure that I have my cellphone.

I go out to the bus stop which is, thankfully, very close to my apt. I study the other people waiting. Decide who is hot and who is not, all while listening to my iPod on shuffle.

Get on the bus, saying hello to the busdriver- probably very loudly becuase I have my iPod on. Sit in my usual seat. I like this bus route because I can see the lake in the morning. As people get on, I am continuing my scan for my boyfriend. Deciding which one I am in love with and try to decide if he is in love with me.

I am drinking coffee out of a stainless steel travel mug so I start to get all hyped up on caffeine and the initial yet very temporary speedy effects of my antidepressants. I decide to text message people stupid things. These text messages are usually regretted by the end of the day.


today in documentary class we watched the first 30 minutes of "fahrenheit 911", "fahrenHYPE 911" and "outfoxed," which i thought i would hate- just because im so done with those documentaries- but that blank screen with just the audio in "fahrenheit 911" when the twin towers are hit always gets me. so effective as you sit there and your imagination paints the picture- incredible.

i went outside for two smokes on my break and this guy literally jumps me for a cigarette. "give me one of those camels!" for a minute i think about saying no, but he is essentially mugging me for a cigarette, so i pull one out.

"I shouldn't have done that, jumping up on you like that."

I am silent.

"I'm from New Orleans. Chicago is crazy. There's actually burros and shit. I thought New Orleans was big," as he lights the cigarette he mugged me for with the lighter I give him.

"You a student."




"Television? So you go to school and when your done here what do you think your gonna do? Direct?"


"Well they sure need more writers. They're running out of ideas in Hollywood. Now I see they are doing 'Curious George'. I saw that and I said shit... Next they're gonna do 'Puff the Magic Dragon' or some shit."

"You are right."

"When they do a movie of Voltron, you know it's all over."

On my way back upstairs to watch more movies that I've already seen I decide that he has put into words basically about the same amount of information that I am paying $900,000 to hear.

That's not exactly true. My self esteem and general sanity is worth all the money that I am putting into this college song and dance. Being forced to get up, to read and to write, to be exposed occasionally to new things


just got a 24 pack of dasani from peapod. water. uh! interesting. not so bad.

watermelon. watersports. watershow. waterskis. waterfall.

when i had my first meltdown that involved illegal substances and a major freak out and post it notes posted all over my parents kitchen when i was in a blackout. i checked myself into a hospital. parents were called and my dad picked me up and took me

Chapter One

We are riding along in a car in front of a green screen.

there's only ONE STAR on the jeremy show


In preperation for spending a week with my parents I am trying to tell my DVR not to record every I Love Lucy and Brady Bunch and it has frozen up. Apparently it does not understand how I don't want to do that.

The Six Steps


As I'm sure I've said before in at least one of our many conversations I worked at McDonald's for ten years. They always say pass on your wisdom, pay it forward- so here's some valuable information I learned. Print it out and use it as a "cheat sheet" for your first day at work. I hope this will bring you the happiness and good fortune that it has to me.

The Six Steps for taking an order at McDonald's

1. Greet the Customer

"Welcome to McDonald's can I take your order?"
"Hi, Can I help you?"
"What can I get you today?"
"Hey Wanda, glad to see you're back on your feet after the boating accident. You're usual today?"

Pretty easy. The key is to vary it. Don't say the same thing to each coustomer. They may begin to suspect that you are going through the emotions or even get the impression that you don't like your job that much. Oh! Don't forget to smile. And not a fake smile. I want a real toothy, tingly, just can't contain yourself smile. Good, this is the first step, the rest will be a cakewalk.

2. Take the order

Now this might sound easy. It's just punching in whatever the customer says, right? WRONG! Taking the order is all about active listening. You ever heard that, active listening? Active listening is really engaging yourself in the communication process with your customer. You should be giving eye contact while the customer speaks, letting the customer know that you care about what sandwich or value meal choices they are making.

**Really Important** Never, ever say "Will that be all?" or "Is that it?" when you feel like the customer is wrapping up. We don't want to close the door on the oppurtunity for the customer to make more selections. Instead, try "Do you feel like a Fruit N' Yogurt Parfait today?" or "Did you want to try our new Chicken Selects?"

Also, I've noticed that the one thing that new people like you forget is to ask "Is this for here or to go?" Don't forget to ask. Otherwise, at this point you're standing like a deer in headlights trying to remember what to do next. Don't be an idiot.

3. Assemble the order
Okay, so now we know if it's for here or to go so either grab the appropriate sized bag or put the sanitized tray with a trayliner on the counter.

The first thing you want to do is make the drinks. We can let the drink run while we're getting the rest of the items.

Next, we get the sandwich. If the sandwich isn't ready DON'T GET THE FRIES. Return to the counter and move to step 4.

4. Present the order
Presentation is the key to any good meal. Place all the items on the tray if the order is for here. The drink should not be touching the sandwich or the fries. Remember, hot stays hot, cool stays cool. If the order is to go, place the items in the bag correctly (don't mash it all together). The bag should be crisp and double folded and faced toward the customer with the golden arches faced out.

5. Receive Payment
Start with, "Okay, you're order today is [insert total] today." The customer will present you with a bill. Enter the money given on the cash register. Discreetly place half of the money given into your pocket and give the customer the change out of the drawer.

6. Than

Monday, June 26, 2006

Shows I record

These are shows I record on my Comcast DVR (generic TIVO) and my thoughts.

I'm actually getting to the point where I have seen a lot of them. They must only have a certain number that they buy in the syndication package or whatever, because I know there are more. Same thing happened with Will and Grace.
Golden Girls
I do believe I have seen them all. Sometimes, I just need to go to Miami and hang with the ladies.
A renewed interest in Jennifer Aniston and Lisa Kudrow. I am so not interested in the on again off again boring relationship with Ross and Rachel. How did this show survive that? Did people really care?
Larry King
Larry is really out to lunch. Asking a male to female transexual if she plans to carry a baby, "I don't have a uterus Larry." He does get all the big names: Tammy Faye, Liz Taylor, Mary Kay Laterno.
Simple Life: Till Death Do Us Part
I had never watched this show before and it really is a steaming pile of crap. I really like watching Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie though. I wish that they would do a "true" reality show on them. I think that would be really interesting.
***Lovespring International
A new show on Lifetime about a like dating service that has received really good reviews. Funny people on it-- the blond cop from Reno 911 and the lesbian woman from Best In Show and others. Very funny and very unLifetime like. Sean Hayes guest starred as a straight man who ate his wife.
David Letterman
Just to make sure I don't miss Madonna or Amy Sedaris or someone.
Inside The Actors Studio
I usually delete them right away. I will not watch a two hour interview with Dustin Hoffman zzzzzz. But,I know there is someone that he had on that I missed.
Strangers with Candy
Always good.
Conan O'Brien
Same with David Letterman.
Usually delete.
***Regis and Kelly
***The View

These are my oxygen. I am addicted.
***Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List
Absolutely Fabulous
Need a fix every once in awhile.
***Kath and Kim
Australian ABFAB. Reminds me how confused yet delighted I was when I first saw ABFAB. Favorite quotes, "Look at me, Look at mooey, Look at MOOOOEEYY" and adding "late stage" to anything. "I can't be bothered by that at this late stage."
***My Fair Brady
Um yeah, Christopher Knight's bare chest in almost every scene. Creepy but can't take my eyes off of it.
60 Minutes
I always delete this. Never ever watch it.
Big Brother 7: All Stars
I decided this will be my summer obsession.
America's Got Talent
So You Think You Can dance

Hate both of these American Idol ripoffs. They might be good but I can't watch them because I feel like I'm cheating on American Idol.
Show about a bunch of boring people who win the lottery, including Luke Perry. Thought it would be good but it sucks.
Oprah After The Show
I do watch this. It never fails in every episode Oprah says- "God speaks in whispers," and "That's when I really 'got it," and some sort of reference to how having billions of dollars doesn't change anything. Love it.
Sunday Morning Shoot Out
AMC show about the movie business. Don't really watch it anymore. It's interesting though.
Saturday Night Live
on summer break
on summer break

Thursday, June 22, 2006

die another day

im gonna wake up yes and no

i am having an upper endoscopy on friday. it is to see whats blocking my esophagus. the doctor is pretty sure its a stricture (scar tissue in my esophagus) caused by acid reflux. if so, they will dilate my esophagus and i should be better. this is all outpatient (heavily medicated, however) and should not interefere with my various engagements during the gay pride weekend. i don't really have anything lined up but i am going and i like to pretend i have a big group --but it will probably be just me with concealed alcohol.

sigmund freud...analyze this, analyze this, analyze this this this

thanks to everyone who has sent flowers and dvd boxsets. my apartment is overflowing with life affirming precious moments figurines and slightly risque softcore get well cards.

i'm gonna destroy my ego

today i studied my art history from Renaissance to Rococo, Bernini to Canova. Went to my doctor. Purchased the new Madonna DVD+CD. Ate popcorn and eggs.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

takin care of business

I wrote to IMAX hoping they would play Madonna's "I'm Going To Tell You A Secret" concert documentary in Chicago as they did in Montreal. I received two very prompt and thorough yet regretful replies. All you can do is ask, ya know? Anyway, the DVD is out.

Still struggling with the not swallowing well thing. I almost left class and went home today but decided to stay-- after I had a NAKED fruit juice thing. Delicious and refreshing.

Walking around school is weird. I rarely ever talk to anyone throughout the day. Just me and my backpack and my cigarettes. I probably talk to more homeless people than I do students. And then I get on the bus and try and figure out what people's lives are like, real nosy. Try to see what they are reading, listening to, what they are wearing, etc. I suppose everyone does this.


Tuesday, June 13, 2006

jeremy no eat

folks! i cant swallow. yeah. i cant swallow food. i don't know if it's the big C or damage to my esophagus due to prolonged acid reflux disease or GRID or avian flu or some freudian thing with my mother-- but i can't swallow. this has been going on for awhile now and i have been quiet about it. suffering in silence like elizabeth taylor. but it's out. it's probably nothing or could be something. i don't know.

today my only fuel was one ensure and coffee and gatorade and the very innapropriate pack of cigarettes which has probably contributed to or IS the cause of my mysterious ailment. not all that mysterious, really.

this no eating makes me feels like i am walking around on shaky high heels. in a fog. things seem slightly curious. alice in wonderlandish. i have acheived that point of "take it or leave" hunger. too much of a hassle.

forgot that i had an art history quiz today. you can't bullshit your way through an art history quiz. you can't sort of make up titles and authors and patrons:

"naked lady with big butt lays on couch while other lady does something in the background" by albert wackfhelsouiigohnson commisioned by mary kate and ashley olsen for the equinox celebration in florence, italy

that's not going to fly. 10 point quiz in the garbage. whatever. i'll make it up with some extra credit. assuming at some point in the future that i can eat. which right now seems like a silly assumption.

depression/anxiety don't help either. especially when your doctor won't refill a prescription for two days because his office staff is a pack of monkeys!! between yesterday and today i called his office eight times trying to get my doctor to call in a prescription. walgreens the same. apparently my role is to be the liason between my doctors office and walgreens.

doctors office says "have walgreens fax us"
walgreens says "we faxed them"
doctors office says "we have no fax"
walgreens says "we faxed them already"
jeremy says "i know but my doctors office says you didnt"
doctors office says "we stll havent received it"
jeremy says "cant you call them or fax them"
doctors office says "no, just have them fax us"
jeremy says "they did"
doctors office says "can you have them do it again?"
walgreens says "we already did, but i guess we can do it again."
jeremy says "thanks"
doctors office says "we still havent received the fax"
and on and on and on until i go to walgreens and they tell me my prescription was DENIED
at this point i feel like i am really going to really slam my head against the brick wall outside of walgreens.
doctors office says "it wasn't denied we just called it in"
walgreens says "yeah we have it, it will be two hours"

during my wait at walgreens i buy a blender and macaroni and cheese. i get my prescription, go home and wash out the blender, put some macaroni and cheese in the blender-- it actually tasted really good (being my first real food of the day). as i am trying to get the pureed macaroni and cheese out of the blender and into a bowl. it's not coming out so well and i try to shake the heavy mixture of mac and cheese
into the glass bowl and the bowl breaks in half.

i considered eating it off the two sides of the broken bowl but decided that i didn't want pieces of glass in my throat at this point. so, i wash the blender out and add ravioli with meat sauce (something i dont even like) into the blender. after blending it-- it was literally one of the most disgusting things i have tasted in my life. i throw that way. my sink at this point looks like a Roman Vomitorium. i decided to forgoe the eating tonight.

i have to write two papers tomorrow and study for a psych quiz. i am very curious how that will happen. also called a gastroenterologist for an appointment. like thats going to happen. hi i have no insurance but i cant swallow. can you make it so i can swallow food please? thanks.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

the walking dead

christy on recent "oprah after the show" is introduced by oprah as a woman who smokes two packs of cigarettes "every. single. day." the woman starts to explain why she smokes, why she wants to quit etc, and before she can finish oprah starts in...

"i'm looking at you and i see myself, fifteen years ago and the real truth is that you've gone- unconscious. you are completely absent in your life, that's what i see..."

christy says she also eats too much and watches a lot of soap operas and volunteers a lot. dr. robin and oprah theorize on why and how and what and who christy is for awhile while christy begins to cry and tries to take it all in and then says:

"my deepest desire for doing this show is to accelerate humanity...i want to leave this earth knowing i did it, i did it. i fulfilled. my. humanity. (applause) and that is my desire, that is my deepest purest desire for people who watch this show is to get that. the same as i am striving for that. for you to understand that this for me is not just about a show... it's about you receiving a moment of clarity about what's going on with you. and im telling you this..YOU ARE THE WALKING DEAD."

the walking dead.

so i was sort of moved by this, in that i smoke and watch a lot of tv and i often do feel like i am removed from "humanity." i finished watching the show feeling like i should maybe be more in touch with the world and less with my addictions. i started watching another "oprah" and she began the show by DOING A SHOT OF TEQUILA with Matthew McConaughey.

whatever oprah. way to "accelerate humanity." rip christy a new asshole for smoking a few too many menthols while watching "all my children" and then turn around and do a shot of tequila.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

over the hedge

im going to go see "over the hedge" with my nephew today. out of the kids movies that are available, i wanted to go see "RV." He has already seen both but decided on "over the hedge."

went to target and almost purchased some shorts and a dr. pepper t-shirt but stopped myself. i think we need to move on from wacky slogan tees. where that leaves us, i dont know.

am i mistaken or do the crystal lake women want a piece of jeremy ass? the lady at subway was chatting me up-- something about how when she gets off she is going to go fly a kite. and the lady at white hen pantry could have sworn she saw me this morning. cool it ladies.

**** "over the hedge" was good. my nephew was right. steve carell was very funny as a manic squirrel. i thought he was a fox-- but he is a squirrel. which was pretty dumb because he was collecting nuts the whole time. i stand corrected.

crystal lake

I have spent a week in Crystal Lake.

Yesterday I went to Best Buy for the second time and tried to figure out something to buy to amuse myslef with while I'm here. Like a DVD box set or something. I almost purchased the new "9 to 5" DVD. It had outtakes and audio commentary by the ladies. Then I realized that I would just watch it once and it would sit with all my other DVDs-- never watched. Except for Absoultley Fabulous. I can watch those over and over.

This was the second time I had gone to Best Buy and there is this girl who came up each time and really got in my face asking if I needed any help and assuring me that if I decided I did need help that she would be there. Here name was Heidi, she had braces and I wanted to strangle her.

I saw Kathy Griffin on Wednesday at the old movie theater which is now a perfoming arts center. It is the same movie theater that I saw "Beaches" and "Batman" and "Jaws 4" at. Kathy Griffin was hilarious-- could have listened to her forever.