Sunday, December 30, 2007

Some of My Favorite Sitcom Moments

I Love Lucy
Lucy practices singing.

Roseanne and Dan find some old pot in the basement. I don't smoke pot because I become like Jackie in the bathtub.

Will and Grace
My favorite Karen moment. "Doctor since I have you here..."


Chandler hides all of Joey's underwear and Joey gets back at him.

Absolutely Fabulous
Bubble tries to figure out how New Year's works.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Ritz Mints!

Yesterday I made some delicious Ritz Mints (courtesy of Martha Stewart) as a gift for a treasured friend. They are so easy-- recipe is here. I have always been excited by using things like corn flakes or Potato chips or whatever to make other things. Really turns me on, don't know why.

Just some Ritz


And some Chocolate with Mint




Boxed Up


Ready to deliver to a festive holiday gathering where you can't drink because you're on antidepressants that aren't working.

Friday, December 14, 2007

The Jeremy Show Interviews: Dustin from Big Brother 8

As you know, I spent the last two summers glued to the internet and television watching Big Brother. One of my favorite houseguests, Dustin (a fellow Chicagoan) agreed to chat with me about Big Brother, Prince Harry and whats in his medicine cabinet.

Tell me three things you learned about being on Big Brother 8 and three things that you think the fans should know about the show.
1- EVERYONE is judgemental. Everyone.
2- Skinny people are miserable, ie Daniele
3- Conservative Christians still think homosexuality is a choice! Because apparently, they were asked.

Seeing as I never applied for Big Brother, and I really wasn't a fan of the show either, the whole process was a learning experience about the show. But I think its really important for fans to know that there is a producer who talks to you in the diary room. We don't just sit down and start venting, we're prompted for certain topics, opinions, thoughts, etc... They encourage strategic moves and/or decisions.

I'm sure you're sick of answering this question but watching "Evil Dick" basically gay bash you on the Internet was terrifying. I was totally brought back to junior high, which is his mentality. However, you voted for him to win over his daughter. Why?

I played the game strategically, not personally. When voting for the winner, I put personal issues aside; for both of them. She's SUCH a negative Nancy and he's an over-grown rebellious teen seeking attention. But game-wise, he played the game for two. Every move he made he did for her as well. No one else can say that. He played a strong game because if it were not for him, she would have been gone sooner than later. His comments and gay bashing didn't hurt me as much as it hurt others. What he did to the women in the house was in my eyes, much worse.

more on Dick Donato's irresponsible behavior via Logo online

Why didn't you stay in LA?

I still have 3 classes left to take for my major here and LA is dirty, tacky, and expensive. Some of my best friends live there, but Its not right for me right now. I'm much more a "New York City Boy"

What is the craziest fan experience you've had and what's the most annoying thing people ask you?

Craziest Fan experience. I had a crier once. I was at the airport on my way from Minneapolis to Chicago and there was a woman who gasped, threw her hands over her head and cried. She didn't only take a photo with me, but of me as well. tying my shoe, digging in my bag, walking away. She straight up paparazzied my ass. A stranger also told me his best friend had died that day. That was bizarre too.

You are studying fashion. What is your first fashion memory? What movies, celebrities, etc, influence your fashion sense? What are you trying to say with your sense of style?

My first fashion memory is my black overalls with choo-choo trains on them. I was 3; They were so fly and I was a pimp in them. I never wanted to take them off and I will never forget them.
My sense of style is non-existent. I don't do patterns, I rarely wear colors, and I like simplicity. Classics with class I guess. Its important for me to have staple pieces on at all times. Great footwear is essential. For the summer in BB though, I packed all lounge wear which included the grey t-shirt.

Take me through a typical day with Dustin…
Coffee, breakfast, and stretching in the morning, work all day, Gym by 6, dinner at 8; usually at home. Then I watch a movie, talk on the phone and pass out. Like clockwork though, I wake up at 2:45 AM and have a snack and a bottle of water, which is where I am now.

Do you have a favorite Chicago bar/hangout and why?

I RARELY go out. Statement of truth. So when I do, its by someone else's accord and I just go with the flow where they go. In the summer I love Foster Beach. Its low-key and down the street from me.

If you were to go to a therapist what issue do you think you'd spend the most time working on?.....Tell me more about that….
HAHAHA Trust issues! As you know from the show, there is a lot of trust that was broken in my one and only relationship to date. My best friend slept with my ex, family members have lied and stolen from me. There's just a lot of deceit in my past so its hard for me to trust others.

Can you tell me what you have in your medicine cabinet. Please list all the contents, brand names, etc.
band-aids, neosporin, clean&clear astringent, Murray's pomade, MAC concealer, Tweezerman tweezers, Tweezerman toenail clipper, Renu contact solution, my glasses, an eyelash curler, back-up contacts, Target optical lens cleaner, sponges, various chapsticks with the labels peeled off, Arrid XX - Morning Clean, Dayquil, and Biore pore strips.

What are you asking Santa for this Christmas?
Hunter Wellington Boots, black, size 43
and the Six Feet Under complete season DVD collection. Bets are high that I'll receive neither! I'm single dammit!

The Dustin Celebrity Playlist-- Name ten songs that we should be listening to?
RJD2 - 1976
Scala & Kolacny Brothers - Heartbeats
basement jaxx - Smoke Bubbles
Seal - Waiting For You
The Blow - Hey Boy
Uffie - Pop the Glock
Of Montreal - A Sentence of Sorts in Kortsvinger
Hard-Fi - Move on Now
Annie Lennox - Little Bird
Original Broadway Cast of Fosse - Crunchy Granola Suite

I see that you like the Pet Shop Boys. Please tell my boyfriend why he should listen to them, he hates them.
If you're feeling blue, and in the mood for some campy 80's electro-beats with an incredibly smooth lead singer, its all there! Lets face it, West End Girls is played EVERYWHERE, from Office Max to Tattoo Parlors. Everyone ought to love a little Pet Shop.

I also see that you enjoy Madonna, what are your top three songs?

Borderline, Frozen, and Holiday

So you and Prince Harry are on a date, after you've both snorted some vodka, what's your perfect evening?
After having our photograph taken by the paparazzi, for future reference that this evening did, in fact, occur; We go back to the palace. He dresses up like the prince that he is and we equestrian ride for a few hours. I of course, get to wear riding boots. Then we snort more vodka, followed by smoking crumpets and eating tea. We sit in the royal throne for a minute while gazing at each other and do it right there on the palace floor. A sex tape is later "leaked" to the British media.

I want to thank Dustin so much for his time. Because of the writer's strike CBS is putting Big Brother back on the air this February. I am going to try like hell not to watch it. That's bullshit.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

made a cake tonight 2

Tonight I got off my white ass and walked through the icy drizzle to my local Walgreens. I wanted to make Amy Sedaris' Huella's Chocolate Cake. Really getting into cooking and crafting lately. Can't get enough of it.

I'm a loyal customer to my Walgreens as there is no other place to buy foodstuffs and sundries in my neighborhood. There is a colorful cast of characters in this place that must like their jobs, because I don't see a lot of turnover. There is a very nice FTM trans gentleman, he is not the manager but he "can help you with whatever you need." I know because I asked for a manager to find out if it was really true that I could not buy cigarettes with my prescriptions and he told me gently but firmly that it was against their policy. Well there policy must have changed because I've been doing it since I lived here. They must have put a memo up about me. There are three very cranky ladies who I don't get along with. One is the "Beauty Advisor." Now I don't want to get mean, but she must follow the "do as I say, not as I do" philosophy. Maybe she's so burned out giving Walgreens beauty advice that she doesn't have anytime left for herself. All in all they are a very capable crew and I have had no problems. My favorite pharmacy tech is this beautiful woman who I think I really connect with. She is very motherly and smart. We kind of exchange these glances like we both "get it," you know?

Anyway so here are some pics of Amy Sedaris' Huella's Chocolate Cake. A very small cake that I used a too-big bundt pan for because I realized I didn't have another pan. I used Hershey's REAL DARK for the chocolate-- Um... F'ing Delicious!! I grated what I had left over the top.

Smoked a cigarette while mixin', ain't gonna hurt it none.

Could not get the damn thing out. Had to force it. I know all the tricks but it wasn't budging.

So it broke apart a little.
Mmmmm. Frosting made it better.
Throw a sequined poinsettia on it and call it a day.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

its all in how you word it

My therapist told me that I live life in fantasies. Good fantasies, bad fantasies. That began as a child, escaping anything real and uncomfortable in my life. Pretending I was a gameshow host or fashioning a mermaid costume out of a sheet and cardboard to escape the horror of bombardment in gym or parents use of yelling as a form of communication.

My current fantasy, is of being a writer. Living in my Hollywood bungalow. Brilliant, funny scripts all over my dark wood desk. Working at home during the day, letting the dog outside. Pouring another cup of coffee, lighting another cigarette. Struggling with writers block. Investigating a lady from next door doing something loud outside. Struggling with mild depression. Standing alone during parties, looking put together but lonely. Taking a cigarette break outside on the balcony overlooking the lights of Los Angeles. Meeting a beautiful, hilarious, rapid cycling manic depressive girl on the balcony who somehow manages to seduce me even though I am gay. Letting her down easy and becoming best friends.

My current life could be someone else's fantasy I guess. Living in one of the greatest cities in the world. Struggling with a non specific depression. A frustrated but loyal boyfriend. Dependent on loving parents. Smart, anxious, sometimes funny, badly dressed. A hypochondriacal manchild who is more often than not, correct about his self diagnoses. Hopelessly lost in paper, student loans, cable bills, presumptuous offers from credit card companies.

Bad fantasies I have gotten caught up in run the gamut from being convinced of immediate death to being jailed for my own or someone elses fantasies. My parents leaving me, anyone leaving me. Quick and swift abandonment. Being jailed for writing a bad check at Walgreens. Leaving the oven on.

I have somehow managed to get back on a semi-spiritual track. I found my godspot through the following song (can you post a blog without a video anymore). I was laying in bed with my headphones on. My long limbed beautiful boyfriend next to me snoring his way through a dream sponsored by the Walt Disney Company. I began to travel through time with the help of Madonna and realized, again, that I am not the center of the universe and no matter what, things will be ok.

Forget your life
Forget your problems
Administration, Bills and Loans
Come with me

Saturday, December 01, 2007

made a cake

I made a cake tonight and threw it in the garbage. I ruined it with a caramel frosting I made that turned into rock candy because I don't have a candy thermometer. It's on my christmas list now. I can't stand not knowing what temperature things are.

I also put up my Christmas tree, it looks the same as it did last year.
Need new ornaments and need new tree. It's sort of a red/gold mess that I really got a charge out of three years ago.

I asked my parents if they wanted to have Chinese food on Christmas. That should be fun. Very A Christmas Story.

Friday, November 30, 2007

she's that girl

I love these Madonna Barbie Dolls someone is making. It's work that needs to be done. The miniature monkey purse makes me want to cut myself! So adorable.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Remembering doctors

My pediatrician had red Lucille Ball hair and very cold fingers. The nurse looked like Shelley Duvall. Once she came into say that the doctor was "tied up" and I thought that she was really tied up and that frightened me because everyone was acting like it was normal.

I had several ingrown toenail surgeries at that office. The nurse told me that cutting your toenails "is an art."

Friday, November 02, 2007


I have had this song in my head, non-stop for days. Beyonce and her infectious songs. "To the left! To the left! Everything you own in a box to the left! I can have another you in a minute. Matter fact he'll be here in a minute."

I am on a completely reversed sleep schedule. Goddam. Was supposed to go to the doctor today but they rescheduled. I am crazier than a mouse driving stick shift. Ah, what do you do?

Sunday, October 28, 2007

get out of the car! get! out!

I finished watching the entire first series of "Damages" on FX. A waste of time. I don't normally watch lawyery type shows because I have trouble following them. I was attracted to this one because its in New York City and it has Glenn Close in it and I liked the theme song/opening credits. That's about all I liked about it though-- lots of flashbacks and a confusing narrative thats more trouble than its worth.

I do want to be Glenn Close marching around in pantsuits, being very abrupt. Bluish gray lighting. Making billion dollar settlements with a smirk.

I'll probably watch next season.

My bipolar is acting up. They need to make some sort of cream or spray. Just spray the room down when the bipolar starts stinking up the room. I feel like bipolar is the new "neurotic." Just some blanket term to cover an enormous variety of symptoms that may or may not be connected. I mean I don't think these psychiatrists have any idea what the hell they are doing and all of us crazies are just paying for vacations to wherever psychiatrists vacation. I say get out of the car! Get! Out! I've been around the block several times. Several times. I know how this works and its a losing game.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Lady Bunny

I just want to give a shout out to Lady Bunny for somehow finding the most hilarious videos on the net. Bookmark her site!!!

Here's some beautiful Bulgarians singing "Oh Susanna!" Makes me want to cry.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Such a delight!

If the trumpeting isn't enough, you have to wait for the dance sequences. Stacy Hedger reminds me it's good to be alive.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

we're going with another candidate

My interview at Borders did not go well. I have never been good at job interviews. My therapist and I once worked on differentiating between a job interview and therapy. I tend to act the same in both situations.

I really wanted to work at Borders again. I had a fantasy of just zoning out and making perfect OCD stacks of books. I love helping customers find just the right book or cd, never giving up until the mission was accomplished. I remembered how good I was and how much I enjoyed it, I was so excited.

I got to the interview ten minutes early as recommended by my work program teacher in high school (one of the other recommendations was not to smoke, even if the interviewer asked you if you wanted a cigarette, can you imagine). A bald "operations manager" directed me to sit in the cafe and wait for someone to come down and get me. I waited for a half hour. Finally a lady came down and started yelling "Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy..." in the bookstore, not the cafe. I had to go out and follow her call to find her.

We waited for an elevator together. She didn't say anything until she cracked her neck real loud, "I've been waiting all day to do that." Charmed! We walked into the backroom past the employee breakroom full of employees flopped all over a table staring at me with blank expressions to my still hopeful shy smile.

Into a room where we were met by a squat woman with homemade tattoos on both arms. Ah, Borders! Good to be back. So edgy with your helpful workers with soul patches and body jewelry. The asexual pierced boys and goth girls who fit happily into such a strange corporate groove. I'm not bitter.

I sat between the two women as they began their questioning. Maybe I've been watching too much "Damages" but I felt like I was giving a deposition. They went through a list of questions that all started with, "Tell me about a specific time when..." My mind started racing, I knew I couldn't come up with specific times when I was helping a difficult customer or had a disagreement with a manager or whatever. My memory is so fuzzy, I don't catalog things like that in my head. I gave general answers, good general answers-- I actually surprised myself. But ohhh how they wanted specifics, "Can you tell me about a specific time when that happened?" I considered making things up but I'm not good at that. Well, I'm good when it doesn't have to make sense. "Once there was a turtle that came in and he was looking for a book on sewing and he was real mad because he had a broken leg so I suggested we go swimming together but first we decided to go to Arby's..." I can do that.

Anyway, they were not happy with me and I just got frustrated to the point that I was like-- "Ahhh NO! We already established that I can't remember specific times!! Let's move on ladies!!!"

It's been a rough few months. A rough half of a year since I landed back in Illinois from dreamy California. I don't know if its my anti-anxiety meds but that seems so far away and hazy. Who was that person driving around in a black Kia on Hollywood Boulevard? Such a mystery to me. I've become so fixated on that person who could get up at 6:30 in the Los Angeles sunshine everyday and do things. Writing funny 30 Rock scripts like it was no big deal. So fascinating from this perspective- a considerably less sunny place.

I received a friendly voicemail yesterday informing me that they went with another candidate but my resume will be kept on file.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

benny lava

From LadyBunny's blog-- my source for a lot of crazy videos- an Indian video with someone's attempt at deciphering what the lyrics are. I actually really like this song.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

i. love. martha. stewart.

I am very excited about the new Martha Stewart line at Macy's. Holy Crap! I just went to and she just walked right out on my screen!!

I love when she talks about tag sales! Ohh, how I'd love to go to a tag sale in Maine. Maybe pick up some interesting pieces of sea glass. I also love when she talks about parchment paper. Parchment paper!

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Thursday, August 23, 2007

You are well aware of your inner feelings

I recently graduated from college at thirty one years old. I do consider this an achievement. I would like to go back immediately. I desire approval and constant positive reinforcement for writing papers on topics like Sandra Bernhard and Big Brother 7. I have been thrust into a new world that isn't interested in such things. It is confusing and fast paced and I don't appreciate it.

I had high hopes when I graduated. I really wanted to work for Big Brother. Seriously. I was ashamed to say this. I think, however, the show encompasses all that I am interested in -- documentary, psychology, pop culture with a large dose of trash. I sent my resume and I have not been contacted. Which is really unfortunate. She doesn't know what she lost.

I have subsequently sent my resume to other jobs I am interested in-- Oprah, Playboy, coffee shops, temp services. Lackluster results at best.

Yesterday after a morning of talk that would have made me cry if I wasn't so hopped up on antidepressants-- getting real with the boy I love, we went to the zoo. Very pleasant. An ice cream by a pond with ducks and foliage, talking of movies and things. A suggestion was made for me to apply at Blockbuster video which was met with great resistance on my part. Not feeling well with my dirty clothes and hair, painted fake toenails and general crazy.

I went into the blockbuster feeling like a teenage boy asking for a summer job with his mom out in the car. The E. Lynn Harris gentleman at the desk was so kind to me that I almost cried again. He looked into my eyes and told me that they were hiring in September and gave me the information in a very friendly and nonjudgmental tone.

So today, I applied online. A thirty seven page personality test ensued. I had taken it before, which was one of the reasons I dreaded applying. These tests always stump me.

You are often very anxious about issues in your life:
Strongly Agree
Strongly Disagree

Strongly Disagree!!
I am a robot. I have no concerns. I have reached total enlightenment. I have no desires, wants, needs or problems in my life. This is why I have decided to apply at Blockbuster Video.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Madonna and Sandra

1988. Those were the days. Those. were. the. days.


How wonderful it is when you discover something you were worried about is nothing to be worried about. A dragon, a demon breathing fire in your face -- you turn your head and it is vanished into dust.

Coming home from school, worried in the carport. Terrified to tell my mother, that yes, I had been reprimanded at school for something. Feeling heavy with dread, lead stomach. Then to tell her and she did not so much as blink. Fixing dinner. Perhaps other things were of more importance. And all that worry for nothing.

How much of my life is this? Worried about demons that do not exist. And most do not, most demons, dragons, rats crawling around my ankles-- they are not real. I would like to say that the dragon is gone. Yes, and I shall live my life without a care and a worry. But this is not the case.

I will always find a new dragon, something disgusting and terrible to spend the majority of my time concerning myself with until I learn to become a dragonslayer.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

5 Questions with Mike from Big Brother

Mike Dutz made such a graceful exit on Big Brother that I had to ring him up and ger his thoughts on the show and other important issues.

1. You have a great body! Where is the first place to start (exercise wise) that would get rid of a beer belly?
Cardio, lots and lots of cardio.

2.Kraft Macaroni and Cheese or Velveeta Shells and Cheese?

Velveeta Shells and cheese

3.Anything exciting happen while you were gone?
I've lined up potential work from being on the show.

4. Best moment in BB house?
The strong man competition!

5. How many wives does Magnus have?
7 wives

Love the show and really fell in love with you on the last episode. You should be really proud of yourself.
Thanks for watching and supporting me on the show. It was an honor to be there.

Sunday, July 29, 2007


I haven't laughed so hard in months. Nearly pooped my pants. Another take on "Welcome To My Home!" A classic.

Moose Hoof!! Vageeenn!! Doggy running the camcorder.

booty bump

I Love The Seriousness.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Caprice Classic

Milly got the Caprice Classic from when her dad died. I remember the first night she had it, she drove up to the bar in it smiling ear to ear. She had been gone a couple of days because of her dad dying and everything. Her dad lived upstate. Milly grew up there.

Everyone said she looked like a man. She dressed like a man. We all wear our jean jackets and jeans and sneakers. I do, when I'm running errands and whatever. But she never dressed like a woman, not even for a wedding or a bbq. Milly didn't even own a dress, I bet. I wear my hair long and dyed blond. I'm a brunette. But I like mine blond, thats my choice. Just like it was Milly's choice to never wear a sundress.

So when she pulled up to the bar in that fancy car we all came outside. Boo came in and said "Milly's pullin' up in a Caddy!" Of course it wasn't a Caddy. Boo's taken so much crank, he don't know the difference between a Caddy and his balls. Boo's a crankhead. He gets to be real nervous sometimes. The first night I met Boo I was dancing with him and he started getting nervous and had to go outside and walk it off. The night Milly pulled up in that Caprice Classic that's what Boo was doing. Walking back and forth in front of the bar, mumbling to himself.

We all went running out and Milly had that smile on her face walking towards me.
I asked her where in the hell she got that car. She said it was her mom's and went inside. She didn't say anymore to me. Just walked into the bar.

When the two boys went missing I didn't think too much of it. The boys were from two towns over. It was sad to hear about, but I didn't know them and no one I knew heard of them. It was just another story on the news. Plus I had my own shit going on, Dennis and I were having a rough time. He wasn't working, which was one thing. When I found him outside snorting crank with Boo that was another. I took Michelle and moved in with my dad. I became more interested in the story of the missing boys when I was living with Dennis' dad. He had the tv on all day.

So one night when we were watching the "The Nanny" they broke in with a report that they had a suspect and it was Milly! Someone said they had seen that Caprice Classic at a park the afternoon the boys went missing. I found out later she had been questioned about it one night at the bar. Two policemen pulled her outside and asked her some questions, I guess. They let her go. I wasn't at the bar during that time because me and Dennis wasn't on speaking terms, you could say.

I think Milly would look nice in a dress. I think girls should dress like girls. Nothing mean, I just think it's fun to be pretty. But Milly would always wear that same outfit with the jean jacket buttoned all the way to the top and those jeans and hightops.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Pottery Barn

With the events of this week I have finally had the time to sit down and write. I'm sitting at my Montego Roll-Top Desk enjoying a fresh cup of dark roast from our local specialty coffee purveyor. Although my Montego Roll-Top Desk is used for working at home, it also serves as the main showpiece of our sitting room which is decorated in The New Naturals.

Above my desk on my Holman Shelf I have grouped what I hope is a whimsical collection of decorative accents: Two Marble Eggs in neutral colors, a Prism Magnifying Glass and a Cane Log Basket. The Two Marble Eggs complete the story that begins with my Egg Shadowbox Wall Art that hangs in the hallway, visible from where I sit in my Megan Camelback Chair.

As you know, Carl was hospitalized. He collapsed and hit is head on the Umbrian Vase after falling from where he was sitting on the Brady Entryway Unit, putting on his shoes. I was in quite a panic as he lay there, unconscious on the Wide-Border Sisal Rug. While it did come as a shock there were signs...

The first came at a simple dinner party we threw this summer. We were finishing up our meal at the Como Extension Dining Table. Everyone agreed that it couldn't have been a better evening (Well, it could have been had my Bosphorous Candle Bowls not broken during shipping).

"We do take every effort in our shipping process to see that your purchases arrive safely," says Pottery I told the associate that seven recyclable packing peanuts aren't going to do the trick. She agreed and issued a $50 credit on my account which I put toward a second Herringbone Matelasse Bedding Collection. She resent the Bosphorous Candle Bowls and said it shouldn't happen again. I've heard that before.

There have been rumors that the Herringbone Matelasse Bedding Collection will be completely discontinued! Of course I anticipated a moratorium on the matching sham, as most shams aren't the biggest sellers. This isn't a huge inconvenience. I mix and match shams (In fact, I will say that I prefer the Palm Leaf sham with the Herringbone Matelasse duvet and coverlet anyway). A complete discontinuation of the Herringbone Matelasse Bedding Collection was a big shocker. I casually mentioned the discontinuation rumor to the Pottery Barn associate and she had no further information regarding either the sham or the entire bedding collection. I was left in the dark again, as usual. Remind me to tell you the Organic Bedding Collection story, that ones epic.

Anyway, that night as we were finishing dessert- a grapefruit sorbet served in Ceramic Chloe Dessert Bowls Carl complained of back pains and had to lay down. I didn't give it much thought, as Carl often complains of aches and pains and has to lay down. After our guests left, I finished washing dishes and put them away in our Distressed Avonlea Dish Cabinet. Then I went back to check on him and he was asleep on the Samantha Chaise. I considered waking him but he looked very comfortable and I left him there. Turns out that was a big mistake. The final spasm landed him in the hospital.

Carl had a NeuroDiskogenic attack. A rare but serious back spasm. I looked it up on our laptop, the one in the sitting room, on the Montego Roll-Top Desk, and I have joined a few forums about it.

I don't like the members of the NeuroDiskogenic forums. They are whiny, unmotivated, and nothing like my PB (Pottery Barn) forums. When there is something that needs to get done with my PB forum members, we get it done. The Organic Bedding Collection is one example, which, again is not something I will get into here. Not the place. Let's just say we got it taken care of.

Anyway, Carl is resting comfortably on the Spencer Sofa and everything is stable right now. The doctor confirmed that, and from what I can piece together from the
NeuroDiskogenic forum, Carl will be fine and it shouldn't happen again.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

i remember listening to my whoopi goldberg record. she did four or five characters that were funny and really rocked my twelve year old world. i just saw a whoppi goldberg special on bravo, it brought me back to that time. when you would sit and watch or listen to a program and take it all in. no promos, no links to websites, no invitations to interact or vote.

i just hope that kids these days are being inspired and delighted like i was by my whoopi goldberg and joan rivers and bette midler records. it was an adult world that i was exposed to- smart and mysterious. things i didnt understand.

i dont know what im saying. i just think everything is so fast paced and ter

backyard childhood

Palm tree in front
Pretending I was making pancakes with the dried leaves, I called them "cakehots"
Pretending to make ice cream with an overturned big wheel
The railroad ties bordering the back deck with flowers planted in them
The tire swing, rope and tree house in the tree in the back
The sliding glass door to my parents room with sheer white curtains
The large window in the dining area
My grandpa concerned that I was playing with Miss Piggy, having her descend on a rope from the tree
Sandbox I would bury my Millenium Falcon in
The floor to a airplane lavatory I used as a pool
A worn faded Garfield towel
Sleeping outside
Being inspired by amusement park stunt shows and trying to recreate them with the Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom soundtrack on tape
Picnic Table on deck
Tropical looking plants and bushes, not found in Illinois
Grey faded wood with rusty nail heads
A consistent sunny day
Being suspicious of neighbors in back and on both sides, not liking unfamiliar people
Rusty metal swing set, with swing, very hot slide, a four person swing that I pretended was a car

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

stable as a table

feeling a bit better. feeling good. wanna put on my see through slacks and go see a picture show.

went to the library and checked out "49 up," "dolores claiborne," "camelot," and a history channel documentary on queen elizabeth I.


my ipod seems to have a crush on natalie merchant.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Pick A Tattoo For Me

I have always wanted a tattoo but I can't decide what to get. Please free to send me ideas or comment with pictures on what tattoo I should get. If I like it enough I might get it.


7. EXERCISE (6 and 7 seem like the hardest out of all of these)

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Summer Drama!!!

God how I love the Big Brother. So much fun. This video is an indication of why I am so addicted to the BB live feeds. Air conditioned high drama. Barefeet on cold linoleum. Love it. Love it. If your bored and lonely, I suggest you get the live feeds.

A sneaky lil' devil.

I need help.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

the truth, ruth

Feel like I am not taking action but I am. I have contacted people for help, have emailed about jobs. It is hard to do when you are so low. A sickness. An illness. Definitely. No matter how I spin it, no matter how much I blame myself. The evidence is here.

It is critical that I remember this. Once I turn on myself, blame myself-- it's over. The difference between a headache (sadness) and a brain tumor (depression). There are things I can do to help myself but I can't, I can't, can't forget that this is with me for life. Have to learn how to manage it better. Have to have all the safety nets in place always.


I want to cry as I write this. Something holds me back. Probably some medication. I am not doing well and probably shouldn't be posting this. It's a testament, though. Perhaps helpful to others.

I will get through this. The only way out is through.

"The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately" -Alanis

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

lets set our brains free

hey you

When Madonna's song "Hey You" came out I wanted to pretend like it didnt happen. I didnt like it. But the remix comes out and I'm all over it. Typical.

"First love yourself, or if you can't,
Try to love someone else."


Who do you want to be today? I want to be a preppie college graduate from the eighties. Wearing stone washed jeans with a long sleeved polo tucked in. A thin-ish black leather belt. Topsiders with no socks. Confident! A sports car. A long engagement with an unnatural blonde, that doesn't work out because she spots me going down on a college buddy. A successful career in marketing or business. A brief cocaine habit that lands me in rehab. These are just bits and pieces. I'm still sketching it out.

Goddam sleepy nap time man.

I am reading listening to "Againsst Depression," by Peter Kramer MD. He is the author of "Finding Prozac." He stresses that Depression is a disease. And not only that, a progressive disease that should be treated as agressivley as cancer. This was a mindfuck for me! Also reading about SSRI's and how they were not designed for long term use and can actually cause relapses if used too long. It's time to nip this. Nip it! This has been going on too long. I need to find a top drawer psychiatrist.

He also discusses the "charm" of the depressive. Because depression has been linked to artists, it has a romance attached to it. He suggests that this "charm" factor only lasts through the early stages of depression. Once shit starts to go bad-- it's not so charming anymore.

The longer it goes on the more damage it does to the brain. Fascinating.

I am trying to investigate myself. I am trying to figure it out.

Monday, July 02, 2007

The Jeremy Show Interview: Geoffrey Todd Smith

Geoffrey Todd Smith is an artist who uses gel pens to create beautiful graphic paintings for you to get lost in. I met him many years ago when I was living in Crystal Lake.

I met you at Borders. You were talking to anyone who would listen about how you were so hung over because you had too many Long Island Iced Teas. What do you remember about me?

You were wearing white socks with black shoes and your hair was bleach blond. I thought you might prefer the company of men. You and a girl named Audrey were the only ones who would talk to me. She was 16. That's a tender age.

You use gel pens and scrapbook paper for your drawings. How did you come to use these and why?

A girl I know gave me a gel pen and I doodled with it. I thought it was refreshing to use materials that didn't have the history that painting had but were suitable to communicate my ideas.

How does it feel to be named by Chicago Magazine as one of the "rising art stars we should be collecting now" What do you collect?

I was surprised by the interest in the drawings over the past year or so. It is nice to know I am not just making them for myself. I collect gel pens for obvious reasons. I used to collect scratch n sniffs.

You watch television while you create your paintings, what shows do you watch?

At this point, whatever is on that I can listen to in the background but not get too distracted by. General Hospital played a role in my formative gel pen years.

Several articles have commented about how your work seems to capture a 1980's-teenage girl-video game aesthetic. Do you think your work is an expression of your youth in anyway? How about femininity?

They are very much inspired by the activities of youth that required my intense focus. Puzzles, board games, video games, sticker collections, etc. I understand the reference to femininity but I think that is mainly connected to my comfort in creating beautiful things. Artists often run from the term decorative but it doesn't bother me.

How did you pass time in your youth?

Played sports, cartoons, swimming, videogames, Ate a lot of candy, drawing, fought with my brother a lot.

Artists have a tendency to be crazy. Are you crazy? What really crazy things do you do?

I am not crazy. In fact, I am pretty well grounded in reality. I haven't had an apartment for almost three years. Not really crazy but perhaps a bit unusual.

I have always found the titles of your paintings to be poetic. Beyond your painting, do you see yourself ever branching out into other areas- music, film, writing?

You can't serve two masters. I have come to terms with my area of focus being visual art. My newest title is "The Graceful Ghost In the Chandelier Has Sexy To Spare And a Body That's Shear".

You are a big fan of music. What music should we be listening to?

Lately, I have been listening to Panda Bear, Handsome Furs, Hold Steady, Bright Black Morning Light, Peter, Bjorn and John, Jens Leckman...

I enjoy hearing what products people use. What shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant, other grooming products do you prefer?

I like the moves Old Spice has made into the new millennium. That old shit was no indication of the way my armpits would be smelling in 2007.

When I lived with you, you would often complain about "summer balls." Has this summer been difficult for your balls?
Fuck yeah. Summer is always a bad time for bat wings!

Anything you want to ask me?
Have you ever had a toothache?

Yes, in fact my boyfriend has been having lots of toothaches and we have been treating them with "Oral Analgesic Paste."

Geoffrey's work can currently be seen at The Evanston Art Center's “Obsessive Explosive," at 2603 Sheridan in Evanston, IL through Sun 7/8. His work will also be at Western Exhibitions, 1821 W Hubbard, Suite 202, Chicago, IL in September.

Friday, June 29, 2007

hamster wheel

Today a return to therapy. I was boycotting my therapist because I wasn't happy with my life. I was blaming my therapist. Someones gotta take the blame and it sure as hell ain't me.

Feeling okay this morning. I am very excited about Big Brother. The houseguests have been announced, the theme is high school enemies and the house is decorated in a Alice In Wonderland theme. From the pictures I've seen, they could have done a better job with that but whatever. As I have mentioned, I did send my resume to the new producer of the show, one Ms. Alison Grodner, along with a paper I wrote on Big Brother for Critical Studies class. I have not been contacted. I can confidently say that it is a huge loss for them. I would have been a dedicated employee.

I have been listening to the book, "Finding My Voice" by Diane Rehm. She is my current role model. She started volunteering at a public radio station when she was in her late thirties and worked her way up to having her own show "The Diane Rehm Show." She became afflicted with a neurological disorder called spasmodic dysphonia that affects her voice. She is still plugging away. Very inspiring.

Today I want to work on figuring out what the hell I want to do with my life. I'm not sure if I want to go back to school. It's the only thing I can think about that I am even remotely interested in. But I am doubting this idea for a number of reasons-- Do I just want to do this because this is what I am comfortable with? How will I pay for it? Will this get me anywhere? I really want to do it. I'm not sure exactly what I want to study.

Last night my mother and I went to a seminar at the Newberry Library on genetics and genealogy for African Americans. It was very interesting and reaffirmed my interest in continuing my education.

I do NOT want to work in a random office right now. I am absolutely unable to do that. For the first ten years out of high school, I bounced around from working at McDonald's to Borders to various temp jobs. I feel like I have DONE that. Repeating that would be a huge waste of time and simply would not work. The idea makes me want to throw up on myself. All that is to me is making money so I can spend it. A hamster wheel, going nowhere. Education does not feel that way to me. Even if I don't have a job at the end of it, I feel a sense of acheivement and something tangible to point to and say that I did this. Perhaps I am naive. But I don't feel that there is any other way. I'm sure there is, but this seems like the path that makes sense to me.

Okay, gotta take a shower.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Unposted Blog Entries

And now... back by popular demand-- Unposted Blog Entries.

These are posts that, for whatever reason, I chose to put in The Jeremy Show Vault rather than post. Now for a limited time, they are available for you at no charge.

lighten up jeremy

i just made a pot of coffee at 8 pm and i'm feeling guilty about that. jesus f'ing christ- i just need to lighten up for pete's sake. why must i feel guilty and anxious about every goddam thing ever. i DID NOT drop the bomb on hiroshima. that was not my fault. i want the freedom to pee all over my hotel room floor and not feel guilty about it. okay maybe thats pushing it.

rigidity. it comes down to rigidity and insecurity. it comes down to so much. superstition and magic thinking. let's do some cognitive therapy, lets explore psychology together-- shall we?

I am a real expert at what cognitive therapists call overgeneralizing and catastrophizing. let's start with the coffee.

The simple action that starts it:
I am drinking a cup of coffee at 8 pm.

So this is what goes on in my head:

I am obviously stupid and irresponsible. Normal people don't drink cups of coffee at 8 pm. Unless they are out to dinner- but I am such a bad person that I don't even have any friends to go out with for dinner. This is because I have an self diagnosed anxiety disorder which isn't being treated. I have other self diagnosed disorders as well, post traumatic stress disorder, agoraphobia (except I have the strain that allows me to leave the house for cigarettes and fast food and movies). I have all kinds of obscure but very serious addictions. I have also decided that I have a vestibular disorder. Which involves something about dizziness and the inner ear, I haven't looked into it too much but I'm sure this is something that I am dealing with. Not to mention hypochondriasis.

This all from making a cup of coffee. Too much time to think. That's why I'm pounding away at this keyboard.

I think I would like a drink. A margarita or something with tequila to make me feel smooth and silly and sexy. I need a cute latino waiter smiling and watching as I fall into a giggly rabbit hole where everything is very curious.

But as I have learned, being here in the LA, I need to stay on my treatment. Nothing need interfere with my treatment. Unless I have a safe place and a guardian. Someone to watch over as I enjoy a safe drunken playground.

Will I ever not need a treatment plan?

in the trash

I think I would like a drink. A margarita or something with tequila to make me feel smooth and silly and sexy. I need a cute latino waiter smiling and watching as I fall into a giggly rabbit hole where everything is very curious.

But alkiholl tends to interfere with the treatment plan set up so lovingly by my doctor.

Name is J. Wells and I am a very important business man who makes good money, good benefits and has a stockpile of 401K and other such plans that make me indestructible. I walk confidently down major metropolitan streets paying little attention to passers by. I talk directly into my cellular phone with friends and colleagues about upcoming deals. My suit and shoes and hair are tailored and perfected. Hair appointments on a regular basis.

Oh! I can't even fake it. Who are these men that ride about town on their success and big dicks? What families did they come from, what were they doing when they were eleven? Big hands. So many men with these big hands and big feet and perfect hair and suits.

I am from a different stock, clearly. I see myself as sort of decoupage. ugh im sick of myself. stop. done.

memory flood

staying at heathers house after meltdown reading prozac nation watching barbra streisand 94 concert on vhs and i love lucy road trip to la feeling safe. fourth of july in hot hot apartment, geoffrey was out, kara and i watched jennifer lopez movie- out of sight, while puerto ricans shot off fireworks loud loud. hillarys apartment after not getting on flight to san diego, hillary was sick, i was not

time to put memories away for awhile

Well God Bless America. Shit. I can't believe the ridiculousness. Things fall apart. For sure things fall apart. I cant believe how

The Secret

In the spirit of "The Secret," here is my visualization for the future.

Come see me perform.

Welcome to my home. Understated. Subtle.



yesterday i was sad because i was out to lunch and it was very sunny and i was looking out the window and there were so many people


i am afraid to write this. keep deleting my thoughts. i am depressed. simple as that. simple as that. occasional moments of clarity, brilliance. on the whole, depressed. and i hurt the ones i love with this thing that i have and the way i handle it. push them away without even knowing it.

responsibility. a word that doesnt apply, falls off me like i am covered in teflon. sabotaging myself.

writing again in annoying oddly constructed sentences.

“Depression is the inability to construct a future.” Rollo May


Captain Depression

I have returned. Captain Depression! Able to dissapoint everyone I know, everywhere I go! Leaving parties, jobs, bars in seconds for no reason! Turning a normal social situation into an awkward disaster right before your very eyes.

Walking Pneumonia

I acquired this illness shortly before my graduation from college. Lots of coughing-hot-cold-chills-wanting-to-sleep-a-lot. I was given a prescription to Tussinex a pain reliever with Codeine for the coughing. While riding this beautiful train and enjoying the warm buzz I became seriously convinced that I would be forever addicted to opiates and die a heroin addict. Luckily I polished off the bottle and have been sober for ovr a week. I wont be making any heroin deals anytime soon. Knock on wood.

My recovery has been slow. I admit that I have continued smoking. I smoke. I smoke a lot. A lot. Always smoking. If you catch me somewehere, waiting for a bus, outside a resteraunt, in the shower- I will be smoking. Rumor has it that smoking is not advised while one tries to heal from pneumonia. I cant stop. Or dont want to stop. I dont want to stop.

I am afraid to stop smoking. I don't know what I will be like. I have terrible anxiety now- who knows what it will be like when I am trying not to smoke. I know that I could handle it though. Strange how chemical addictions work. A drug telling your body to tell your brain that you need it to survive. This is not true. I dont need to smoke to survive.

Anyway, I didnt want to go down this road. Talk of addiction and smoking.

Okay all of this has been depression soaked ranting. Full of gloom and doom signifying nothing. Garbage.

Depression Crisis Plan

During the times I have been hospitalized there were very peppy counselors who went on about a depression crisis plan. I have never done one. Why I am choosing to do this now on the internet is just me being hungry for attention. If this is what it takes for me to do it then this is what it takes for me to do it. Maybe you will learn something from it. I'll pretend I'm Oprah. A depressed smoking Oprah.

When I am feeling well, I am (describe yourself when you are feeling well):
active, busy, working or studying, eating relatively well, sleeping ok, in contact with friends and family

The following symptoms indicate that I am no longer able to make decisions for myself, that I am no longer able to be responsible for myself or to make appropriate decisions.


a failure of character

i have been suffering from depression for probably ten years. i am a survivor of this disease. i have hit bottom many times, had to pull myself back up with the help of hospitalizions, doctors, therapists, family and friends.

throughout all of this, there is a chorus, sometimes in my head, sometimes out of my head that tells me that i am lazy, that i am doing something wrong, that i am flawed, just not doing something right.

this blog stands as a testament to the fact that i am happy to admit my flaws. but i do not think that my flaws (smoking, laziness, too much big brother, etc) are the cause of my depression. and i think that when i think this way it is dangerous.

medicine can't fix everything. and the companies that produce the medication are evil like every other company in the world. but medication has saved me.

i am going through a very difficult time right now. having just graduated from school i dont know what to do with myself. i dont know if this triggered my current bout of depression-- i am working to get over this.


are you absolutley serious?

god bless you for continuing to read this piece of crap. please feel free to exit at any point.

When I was fourteen I started working at McDonalds at the suggestion of my mother. I am unclear about my thought process back then. Did I want to work there? Or was it that my mother told me to. And was that enough for me to do something back then. Anyway, I continued working there until I was 24. I had other jobs here and there but McDonalds was the bulk of it.

I remember looking out the drive thru window and thinking I don't have to do this anymore. I could work in an office, get paid more, and do less. So I started temping.

I worked for the gas company. I was a landscaping and paving clerk. Artificial Christmas tree salesman. Wallpaper librarian. Production Assitant for television shows.

Always uncomfortable and very stressful. But managable I think. Somehow I managed. And now because I have been out of work I am


a little bit of love goes a long long way

Never thought I'd be saying this but hooray for Enrique Iglesias. Serenading a gay fan. One of the cutest things I've seen in awhile people. Makes me a little sick, but its great.



It is important to have things to look forward to. I am looking forward to:

-going back to school one day
-writing a comic play
-seeing sandra bernhard again



I am very excited about the new Big Brother. I hope it does not dissapoint.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

chinese baseball annoucer

"Want to get paid watching Cubs games? You need to speak Chinese mandarin fluently, understand baseball rules and go to the games. Baseball fan is a plus."

I must be going crazy because I honestly considered this job for half a second. I don't even like baseball.

Simulated wood has not made the comeback I thought it would. I do like the wood iPod cases I have seen in my journeys.

The best time to catch me is in the morning. With a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Things turn shitty around noon.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

dont bite the hand

I do not like this time of the day. Daytime turning into night. Dogs barking. Waking up from a late afternoon nap with a bad taste in your mouth. Sweaty, hungry, hair messed up.

Some broccoli, a chicken breast, some rice and a glass of apple juice. Makes me want to jump out the window. Crabby. Ungrateful.

Grabbing for sequins and glitter and instant gratification. Candy and ribbons. Candy, alcohol, drugs, sex, music, movies, fantasy.

Get in touch with your inner self. I don't think it's there anymore. At least not today.

Read somewhere that small paragraphs=not so smart. Well that's all I can chickenscratch right now. Thank you.

Laying in bed trying to think of a way to...a way to...How's this going to work? How am I going to pull this off? This Jeremy business.

I guess another time. Another time. I'm sorry.

Gay Pride doesn't exist this year. Where is it? What time? When? Who? Half asleep, not dancing through life.

This isn't helping anyone.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The Jeremy Show Interview: Vidkid Timo

My gentleman friend and I came across the adult movie “Mardi Gras Cowboy” at a benefit for Howard Brown Medical Center in Chicago. We picked it up and fell in love with it. It is now my boyfriend’s favorite adult film. It’s not your typical porn movie, it is really well written and has a lot of heart. I wanted to cry at the end. So I invited one of the stars and creators of Mardi Gras Cowboy, Vidkid Timo, to stop by The Jeremy Show for a chat.

Can you tell me a little about where you came up with the idea for “Mardi Gras Cowboy?
You know, I can't take credit for the concept. I had never even seen MIDNIGHT COWBOY. But the co-producer, a New Orleans videographer called Rico de la Playa, came to me with the idea. He showed me a videotape of MIDNIGHT COWBOY... and I immediately saw the gay-porn parody in my mind. I finished the script within a week.

Where did you grow up?

I hail from a little town in Louisiana... St. Francisville. I call it "the town that slavery built" since there are so many Antebellum homes.

What is your first memory?

Having Desitin ointment smoothed on my genitals to prevent diaper rash. I remember HATING the feeling of it... but being unable to speak, I couldn't express that to my dear mother.

What did you want to be when you grew up?

That fluctuated from doctor to artist to writer. I guess, in a way, I ended up dabbling in all of those fields.

You won the award for best supporting actor for MGC, what was that experience like? Did you expect to win?
It was a huge honor and an even bigger shock. If I had a better sense that I might've won, I might've tried harder to get to the award ceremony. But Jim Buck picked up the award for me. The following year, having four nominations for AT TWILIGHT COME THE FLESH-EATERS, inspired me to attend an award ceremony in California. I didn't win that time! But I got to sit at the same table as Kristen Bjorn.

Do you still keep in touch with Jim Buck? How is he doing?
Since I moved away from New Orleans, I haven't seen him. But we do correspond. He is well. He's involved with a great many creative and educational endeavors.

What films inspired you as a young filmmaker?
GONE WITH THE WIND was the main one. MAHOGANY a bit later. And all of the John Waters films in my college days and beyond.

How did you go from creating comic films to adult films?

As I was waiting for MARDI GRAS COWBOY to be completed (it took about 10 months)... I started making amateur-style porn... to make ends meet. And it was a lot of fun... and satisfied my need to be creative. So, that took off. I told myself when I started that I would like to do it successfully for five years... and at the seven year mark I realized that I had over-shot my goal! I immediately started planning a phased retirement... and less than a year later, I was done. And I'm so happy I did it that way.

What are some things we wouldn’t know about the adult film industry?

That many people involved in it are neither desperate nor unintelligent. That was a pleasant surprise. But the seedy elements also exist in it, of course.

You mention on your website that you are “emotionally retarted”, explain:

My site says that?! LOL It's sort of said in a joking way. But I think it's fair to characterize myself as immature... much more so when I was making porn. I've grown up a LOT since I've been in my current relationship... dealing with marital and family duties. I simply had less time for cartoon-watching. :-)

What kind of movies do you make now? Tell me a little about them

I don't really make any movies right now. Since we moved to the country, I'm a housewife. LOL But last year (and several years preceding) I would help my friend Jeff (who portrays the "Varla Jean Merman" character) film several musical shorts. That's always fun. I had to bow out of that duty recently because of all our animals. The fish had babies... they have to be fed thrice a day.

How do you feel about “bareback” films?

Years ago I thought that they were irresponsible... but then I came to the opinion that since there was a demand... and since there were models who preferred to have sex that way (usually with trusted fuck-buddies) that it was okay (for me) to film and release films that included raw action. I always included a disclaimer encouraging people to be proactive with there own decisions in that arena.

What is your favorite film that you’ve made? Adult film and non adult film
I really loved so many of the films I made... it's hard to choose. But I'm particularly fond MID-SUMMER DREAMS, which was one of my last xxx films. And as for non-adult... I made a music video with Varla for a song called "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off". That footage was priceless. But, I didn't do the editing.

Where do you live now?
My husband I live in a place EVEN SMALLER and more remote than the one I grew up in... just outside of Wilmer, Alabama.

How is New Orleans now?

Since Hurricane Katrina, we've only been to New Orleans to check our post office box... and to see one of Varla's plays. So, we haven't really "hung out" to notice if the spirit of the city has changed. But from what we've seen... much of it still looks like a war-zone. And many of our favorite restaurants have closed, according to our friends.

What advice would you give to a semi-young, frustrated artist/writer/performer named Jeremy?

To quote Sondheim, "art isn't easy". It's a lot of figuring out how to do stuff YOUR way, without compromising your vision or integrity. Coming to those realizations sometimes take a long, long, LONG time... and the paths are different for everyone. Very little of the advice I got was useful to me. But I had stuff I wanted to accomplish... and I managed to do those things... not always at the level I imagined... but most of life is like that. Basically, all I can advise you to do is to research, create and network. The rest, sort of, is up to chance.

What advice would you give a new couple?

That's easy. So many of my relationships ended after the first 3 months or so because of a dramatic change that occurred which lead me to believe that the "magic" was over. But then I saw on some talk show about how the intense feeling you get when you first fall in love (infatuation, for lack of a better term) is not physically able to be sustained longer than 3 months. That happens in order to get couples interested in one another. When that feeling subsides, it doesn't mean the relationship is over... it means there is a next step... one that I didn't grasp. If you're with someone that you had that feeling for... and he's good to you... stick with him. Because once you grieve the loss of the "infatuation" period... you'll settle into a new feeling... a comfortable, stable happiness. And absolutely you'll feel the strong rush of emotions that hooked you up in the first place... just not as often. Relationships and commitments are SO MUCH better than just the fun fuck-filled first 3 months. The tricky part is finding someone who understands that and feels the same way about working-through a relationship with you. And... excellent communication skills are a big plus.

Where can people go if they want to see “Mardi Gras Cowboy?”
From what I understand, it can only be purchased from All Worlds Video (their site used to be - but I haven't checked in a while, so that might've changed... and I heard they were redesigning it). And many of my other xxx videos can still be viewed online... links are on my site:

The next time you come to Chicago will you have a drink with my boyfriend and I?
I don't really go to gay bars anymore, but I'd love to do coffee or dinner. Absolutely, that would be my pleasure.

giving grades

"We sit in front of my laptop as This American Life comes to an end. Afterwards I take off your Adidas Tron sneakers and throw them under my bed. I slip off my ballet flats and join you on my concert tee shirt quilt I made at Sew and Tell last month..."

A site devoted to hipster erotica. Funniest thing I've heard all day. A+

Ahhh. Waiting for Peapod. My mom lovingly agreed to buy me some groceries for nourishment as I weather this anhedonic storm of unemployment and bad television. My boyfriend must be plotting my demise for all I do is watch old, DVR'd Kathy Griffin stand up specials.

Watched "Sicko" last night. Really good. I hope it makes more of a difference than F 911 did. The film is very Michael Moore-- it doesn't show much of the opposing view. But I still give it an A+.

Ohh, I was going to tell you about this yesterday.

The New York Times reports on real people and how they imagine themselves in Second Life. Love it.

It is interesting because when you are designing your avatar, a cyber representation of yourself, you start to think about yourself and what you like or don't like. I don't have to have a beer belly in cyberworld if I don't want to. I can have a tail if I want, or horns. It does raise your self-esteem to have complete control over your appearance.

I'm sort of over Second Life. Once I figured it out, I can't really think of anything to do there. There are support groups on "Support For Healing" island. I enjoy that. But lately it's just been friendly Linux programmers from the UK. They are patient listening to my problems but I think it's time to move on. Love it though. Really opened my eyes to the blurring lines of real world vs. virtual world.

Feel like a real Chatty Cathy today.

My perfect life. Once I did an improv show on a boat. It was for a prom after party. Very odd. I was dressed as a woman for part of the show, naturally. Afterwards I remember sitting with a boy (who was named earlier on this blog and I shall not name him again) and we were talking about what we want in the future. I noticed some houses along the lake we were traveling on. I said that I would like a house on the lake. I imagined dinner parties with close friends. Afterwards we would retire to the deck and look over the lake, smoking, drinking wine, being adults.

This is not where I am. (Although I am grateful everyday for the life I DO have) Thoughts like this, designs on my future, give me hope for the future. There is a real Jeremy in here trying to get out. There really is. Perhaps I am looking at things the wrong way. Perhaps the real Jeremy is here now. He just needs to pull himself up by his boot straps. Maybe, maybe not.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


back from walk. i have decided that oxygen has a profound effect on the human body. take that down.

i saw squirrels. lots of squirrels. i saw a sign in front of my apartment building announcing that they pay heat. well, they also pay my electricity and that better not be changing anytime soon.

brewing a pot of personality in the kitchen. french roast ambition. if i may steal a phrase from dolly parton.

its about money kids. and if ya dont work. ya dont make money. thats what its about. aint no pussyfootin' around it. thats just been a little hard for me to digest. been givin me a stomachace for a real long time now. and its time to face facts.

again, i am not my bank account. i am not my shoes.

going to work on my book now. the one im writing about me. there's only one star...

write it out

this time of day the black fog rolls in. i feel like i am trying to chew on or bite into a quarter. nauseous. bad goosebumps. nails on a chalkboard, that kind of feeling. a whole body migraine sort of.

take a pill and lay down. close the shades.

different from the morning with the coffee and the cigarettes. stimulating. ideas and projects. feeling the ability to do anything. hyperproductive. lets move a couch up the stairwell of the sears tower and go get breakfast after.

but now, its different. the shades are drawn. no prospect for the future.

the mood swings are terrible. hard to plan anything because you don't know where you'll be mentally when you are expected to be somewhere, and expected to be yourself. whoever that is.

with so many years of medication it is difficult to tell who "myself" is. myself comes around once in awhile. a happy accident. there he is! a stand in appears when myself is not there. and he is a cheap imitation.

more chills, nauseousness. and no one to explain it to really. no one who gets it. no one who has the manual on me.

i caught myself praying just a minute ago.
please give me the strength to get through it.

just another afternoon spell.

this is not working. not seeing therapist right now. talking in circles. too expensive. checks bouncing all over the place.

one thing i will do is go for a walk around the block. no ipod. this seems to work or is advised, at least, to us, the depressed-- "the walking dead," as oprah described recently.

my goodness. i apologize. carry on. this is not unusual. i just chose to write it out today. honest writing should do no harm.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

that's hot

i had a really beautiful thing to write about but somehow i got caught up in superhero porn. im back now, what was i going to write about? something about san francisco i think. well it's gone now.

my mom asked me what i thought of this paris hilton thing. i told her i havent watched television in about a week (the view with no rosie, and there is a gap between regular programming and fun crappy summer programming ie. big brother, my life on the d-list,etc). she was confused.

i am just not interested in paris hilton at all. as much as i go on about loving pop culture, i can't understand the appeal of her. i did watch "the simple life" a few times -- very strange overly scripted reality show. i found nicole ritchie funny and hilton was okay on the show. but i can't write about her because i have no emotion at all. i did like saying "that's hot" for awhile. my mom went on to read a very long article about hilton to me, i zoned out. i am very thankful that i have a mother that reads articles about paris hilton to me.

if you are not reading boingboing you should be.

i want to read this book.

it's funny when you are at a party and somehow you get into talking about old television shows. it takes about thirty minutes to get out of it before everyone has exhausted talking about "gummi bears" and "jem" and "silver spoons" and "small wonder." such an impact these shows had on us.

ok, let's talk about "i don't watch television." a phrase that causes me concern in social settings. some of us smarties, some of us npr listeners and organic food purchasers like to throw around this phrase at cocktail parties. i have never said it because i think it's very clear that i do watch television. but lets get into it. what does "i don't watch television" mean?

1. do you own a television?
you probably say yes, but i never watch it. if you own a television, chances are you watch it. even if you own a television and don't watch prime time television- you watch television.
2. do you watch quality television on dvd.
do you watch "quality shows" like "the sopranos," or "weeds."
so, you're not watching survivor. but you are still watching shows specifically marketed to your demographic. these shows don't just appear out of nowhere, they are crafted and chosen by men in suits to target you and get your money. unless you are stealing them, you are falling into the same trap as someone watching "big brother."
3. do you watch retro shows like "mary tyler moore," "the golden girls" or "twin peaks" on television?
again, these shows don't fall from the sky. mary tyler moore didn't cook them up in her home. they are even more commercially marketed by the man to you.
4. do you watch the movies on dvd?
you are watching them on your television.
5. do you watch the news?
you are watching the television, sorry amigo.
6. do you watch the televisions at the checkout stands of your grocery store or in elevators, etc.
you watch television

With that out of the way. What does it mean to say "I dont watch television." What are we trying to say, prove, or communicate when we spit these words onto someone who innocently asks us if we watched "american idol" last night? the only translation of "i dont watch television" i understand is "i think i am smarter than you. i make better choices. the things i like are intelligent, homegrown, pure, simple, and perfect. but most importantly i am better than you."

and thats okay. i am all about putting people down in public as long as we know what jackasses we are ourselves.

Sunday, June 03, 2007


i did my dishes and laundry. the decorative stitching on my vans, the stitching on the toes came unraveled so i went ahead and sewed that back on. i decoupaged some pictures from W magazine with madonna onto an old frame.

my ipod is working again so i added a bunch of new music and started a new rating system.

***** Excellent! I want to hear it right now.
**** Excellent, but I can hold off.
*** Great song, but I'm over it.
** Annoying, but good
* Crappy, but need it on my iPod
no stars songs I delete

Has anybody played Second Life? It is ridiculous. Really fun but dangerous for me, we'll see how it goes.

I don't watch any talk shows except Martha. I am annoyed by all the others.

I would like to start or join a writing group. i would like to do or be involved in something theatrical. I need help finding and getting over my fear of job.

Today is blah.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

i am not my bank account

fabulous discovery! no matter what happens to that ole' pile of nickels i am not my bank account.

laundry started ya'll. boo yah! and i hope this inspires you to do whatever it is you've been meaning to do. today laundry, tomorrow owning a castle in england that my whole family can live in--- very far apart, of course.

i started looking for castles to buy online-- turns out there are not a lot of them. i want a big one. i could conquer a country, but that may be setting unrealistic goals.

whew it really heated up in my apartment, took the shirt off and i got the music just crankin.' Madonna's "History" a lackluster song but whatever.

todays video spotlight is on the B-52's. I went to see them three times in concert, all in the summer. so summer makes me think of them. twice at the "world music theatre" and once at ravinia where kara and i had a religious experience walking around and listening to the now grown up B-52's dorks with kids singing along to "Love Shack." Here is one of my favorites. "Song For A Future Generation"

also since we're talking summer. my favorite summer movie is "do the right thing." i am going to watch it with my dude.

your account is overdrawn

your account is overdrawn. friendly email reminders from chase bank. thanks for ruining my day! suck my assh*le. their fault not mine. not true.

missed my appointment at the apple bar or whatever its called, to get my ipod fixed. even though this is really minor, it put me in an ass mood. baby was sleepy. baby had to go back to bed. i did awaken at 6:30 with high hopes. but i am now idle.

my next goal is to do laundry. yes, thats what i shall do. oh! and turn off the air conditioning unit and let some fresh air get in.

just did it. birds are outside and sound of cars and movement of things. train going by as we speak! a real cacophonous cavalcade.

let it go. let it all go. any expectations, dreams hopes plans, for the moment can be put on hold. laundry, simple task.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Russia is Cold Enough!

I have the oprah winfrey show theme song from the tenth year in my head. it was sung by paul simon.

You are moving on a crowded street
Through various shades of people
In the summers harshest heat
A story in your eye
Well, speak until your minds at ease

Thank you, I will. I am spending a couple days in Crystal Lake, my hometown. I met with my sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Casey. She said that I look the same. Sweet Jesus! If you could see what I looked like in sixth grade. I told her that I had jaw surgery, that I couldn't look the same. She said I looked the same.

I also went through some childhood documents. History papers from senior year that had a big fat F on them. Two papers from my senior year in high school-- one on Stalin. I have no memory of writing a paper on Stalin. It was called "Russia is Cold Enough!" and a paper on homosexuality on Greek mythology called, "Hercules had a boyfriend." The note from the teacher on that one suggested that even though there was man love in Greek mythology there is a difference between love love and sexual love. Ok, Mrs. Bartholomew. From what I've seen of those Greek gods, it's clear to me that there was some hot man lovin' going on back then.

So many gays on the buses shooting downtown from their gold coast apartments. What are they doing? Shopping. Keeping up with the gay Jones.' I imagine that there are just huge drug taking, gay orgies in these tall lakefront apartment buildings at night and then during the day these boys go shopping on Michigan Ave. Perhaps they're just going to work.

My iPod died.

I have one cat named Oliver who I named after Oliver Crumz a dancer for Madonna's Blond Ambition tour. He has never beeen interested in me.

Umm, first I'm writing about cats. Second, when I told my dad I wanted to go back to school, he compared me to someone that is one of my biggest nightmares of becoming. This person shall remain nameless. (email me) It's all in good fun.

Knock on computer, I am feeling better. This happened because I am feeling more hopeful about my future, I am more involved with people and taking my medication as prescribed. I forgot about one pill that I was taking and just stopped. Pills, pills, pills. "Stable as a table."

I am not interested in Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears. Pop Culture has become very very boring. I say keep watching QVC. That's what it is all about.