Monday, October 31, 2005


I recall my first All Hallows Eve party with great fondness. It was at the great Capps Mansion, long before anyone knew of the trouble there. I wore a mischevious bird mask with a humorous feathered beak, a sequined vest and white tights. I don't think you were there.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

i lit a cigarette and i thought my tears might cause my face to catch on fire.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

notes and thoughts on tonya harding website "thank you" video

A bright cheery spot in a park in 1999.
"Let's do it here." "Perfect."
Bright, confident, clear and thankful.
Thankful for the support. Thankful for the interest.

I'm playing it over and over. Obsessed with it.
She's turned away at first, looking at children playing.
Then BANG! All smiles and confidence.

A nanny and two children walking in the background as we zoom in, not knowing that Tonya Harding is taping a thank you video for her website. Probably not knowing who Tonya Harding is. Not knowing that it's with an "o" and not an "a".

In 1999- any kind of video on a website must have been a mindfuck. I mean that's pre 9-11. Who knows what went on on before 9-11, I don't remember a thing myself.

But we're clear that it's an official document from the titles on the screen. Copyrighted and All Rights Reserved. This is serious business.

Excited. She's excited about the launch of her website. She's picked out a great outfit. Casual but versatile. Hand in pocket. Friendly as all get out.

Turned over a new leaf. The leaves on the trees were probably not an intentional visual metaphor but they really work. Sometimes things just come together like that.

"Without your support, I probably would not be here today." Unclear if she means "would not be here," like not doing a video for her website, getting on with things -or- if she means "would not be here" like suicide. No, she can't mean that. That's a dark thing to bring up on a thank you video for a website. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe a little bit of both? An ambiguous comment.

One last time, see if I notice anything else. Just a nod at the end after, "Bye now." A nod to herself. An "I'm finished, I said what I needed to say" nod.

first imix

Dear Reader,

I made a mix for you, darling. I hope you like it. I hope you don't hate it.


Love, Jeremy

(It's gonna ask you if you have iTunes or don't have iTunes- if you don't get iTunes and then look at it. If you do, make sure you have iTunes open- it may ask you if it's okay to use iTunes to open it. Just say yes, sweetie.)

Saturday, October 22, 2005

standing outside a car with a baby inside

There was a period in my life when it seemed I was always standing outside a car with a baby inside, smoking a cigarette. Either my sister or one of my female friends would want me to wait outside a store with a baby for a quick second while they ran in to get something. "Do you mind if I just stand outside and have a cigarette," I would ask.

So, I would be standing in a suburban parking lot leaning up against a car with a baby staring at me. The mother of the baby would take a little longer- a chance to get away for a second. If the baby cried I would try to entertain he or she through the window, sing or say silly things or make faces.

But the babies didn't put up with it for too long. They knew it was silly for me to be standing outside the car, smoking. They would get impatient with the crazy guy outside making stupid faces.

Thursday, October 20, 2005


Taken 10/08/05
I am drinking reheated coffee and I just took a klonipin and cried a little. I was looking through my instant message files with Joey and I thought I'd post a snippet. Hopefully he won't mind. I hope he is not in pain and is happy in whatever Tron-like dream world he's in. I pray for his safe return to our planet because I miss him too much.

joeergh (12:35:51 AM): I had fun hanging out.. and umm. i noticed you were kinda something on the "feelings" scale.. eh.. frustrated or angry or something.. and ehhh.. crap
joeergh (12:36:16 AM): okay, i'll just say, i enjoy hanging out with you and chatting and drinking and smoking and being honest.
carolynapplebee (12:36:29 AM): i do too!
carolynapplebee (12:37:17 AM): im always about the "feelings" i was a mister rogers kid-- none of that crazy sesame street business
joeergh (12:37:34 AM): hmm.
joeergh (12:37:51 AM): i liked the pinball animation on sesamee street, or was it the electric company.

Friday, October 14, 2005


Well, I certainly hit the jackpot at the dollar store on Dearborn yesterday. I got some grey and white checked vinyl coasters. Not too sure how I feel about them but we'll give them a try. Then, I got two things I need for my Halloween costume. I won't say what my costume is, but I will say that I got some blood red lipstick and nail polish and some ping pong balls. If you can figure my costume out from that, you get a prize.

Thennn, my favorite purchase... a black oversized Tina Turner "TWENTY FOUR SEVEN" tour coffee mug! There were stacks of them just sitting there. I couldn't believe there wasn't a line around the block. I was so excited, it totally made my day. For one dollar? You're kidding me!

Monday, October 10, 2005

just another dream

dreamed i was working the morning shift at mcdonalds and started making french fries instead of hash browns. no one said anything, i covered it pretty well, just throwing out the french fries and putting some hash browns in.

then i saw that they were using the french fry station not for fries or hash browns but for salads.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

scary dream

had a scary dream about some generic scary dude that was freaking me out. but, it ended really well because salma hayek(!?) came over at the end and summed it all up and made me feel better. thanks salma.

Sunday, October 02, 2005


im not going to make you feel comfortable. if you thought i was automatic, you were wrong. im very much manual- stick shift. it's going to drain every last drop out of you to get close to me. if you don't have the time or the energy, neither do i. if you realize that it's not worth the effort, let me know and move along. i don't need your kind of support.

it's not my job to make you feel comfortable. it's not an easy ride. it's going to be one hell of a project.

i will not throw another coffee cup at the wall over this one.