Friday, December 30, 2005

twist of fate

okay. this is such a good song!

when i was a kid this song and video and the outfit she was wearing was the way the future was going to be. in the video, which i wish i could share with you, but cant find it (its available at netflix onj videos #2)-- she's in some sort of purgatory court room pleading her case to a jury. i guess shes trying to stay alive so she can be with john travolta. i didnt get that and i didnt get the movie--"two of a kind," which it came from.

i just wanted to be her in that black leather skirt with black leather gloves. i had a huge crush on her and also wanted to be her.

if you want the song i will email it to you. i am that serious about it.

good, now i feel like i've said something meaningful for the day.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas from The Jeremy Show!

As my gift to you, here are some tips from Joan Crawford about enjoying the holidays...

Earn Your Gifts!

Give Away Things You Really Love!

Love, Jeremy

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

therapy session

im not going to lie. i am having some increased anxiety/depression right now. because i dont feel like seeing a therapist right now and dont have the money -- i have decided to have a little therapy session on my blog. if you don't like it don't read it. theres only ONE STAR on The Jeremy Show and that's Jeremy. So here we go...

what is bothering you the most?

i think the biggest concern is that i don't have money to buy christmas presents for friends/family. i enjoy buying presents and wrapping them. i think i like wrapping them the most- coming up with a theme and all that.

and how does that make you feel?

it makes me feel ashamed. contributes to my feeling crazy, immature, awkward and stupid.

do you believe that's all true?

not crazier than anyone else i know. awkward, yes- i do feel awkward. that word lurks around wherever i go. i try to embrace it. stupid- no. immature, yes- but that's not big news.

what else is bothering you?

well i guess i'm bored and physically tired. i feel like i want to create something but i'm too tired to do it. so that's frustrating. i kind of feel like i should constantly be churning out things- writing and whatever else. like i don't have much time left.

what makes you feel like you dont have a lot of time left?

well, not like im going to die anytime soon (knock on wood). but that i am not immortal and i want there to be a big pile of shit leftover from my life that maybe someday someone will see. my idea of an afterlife is that it exists in what you left behind, memories, things, "art." nothing major. even just a pair of pants or something that might end up in a thrift store that someone will wear to a party...a piece of me will be at that party. i'm not making sense.

go on..

also, i feel disconnected. i do it to myself. out of fear of being rejected, being hurt. i guess no matter how monumental a task like going out to dinner with someone or calling them on the phone might seem to me, i should take that risk- even though it very well could and most likely will suck.

what do you think is causing the anxiety you spoke of?

imagining how things will play out. even little things- like christmas with my family. creating scenarios (fictional events) in my head and then getting upset at these fictional events that i have created before they have even happened. "fortune telling" it's called. thinking that you can predict the future.

what else is causing you anxiety?

wanting to do more. wanting to be able to go to a party and not be awkward and wanting to leave. fear of anxiety is causing me anxiety. i am thinking that i will get to my parents house and want to sleep the whole time because i am so terrified of an invisible monster.

invisible monster?

just a nameless, faceless sense of dread that surrounds everything.

sounds like you have been spending too much time alone?

you're probably right. it will probably be good to see people for awhile, even if it's annoying and then at least i will have something to place all my anxiety and anger on..ha. the fact that i am talking to an non existent therapist right now is probably not a good sign.

you're probably right. so what are your plans for the day?

well i have to go to howard brown to pick up a prescription for antidepressants and then basically make my way home. i'd like to bring my laundry home. maybe i can ask my mom to pick me up and we can bring back...

i'm sorry we're out of time.

Monday, December 19, 2005

The Jeremy Show Interviews: Rob Christopher

I am delighted to have Rob as my guest this morning on The Jeremy Show. Rob Christopher was the first real friend I met in Chicago. I'ts not easy to put up with me- the smoking, the bad outfits, the forced viewings of Madonna and Sandra Bernhard DVDs- but he passed the test.

He is the author of 100 Spinning Plates and is the editor of a wonderful documentary Kosher Messiah. He's not fucking around.

How did you come up with the unusual concept for your
book "100 Spinning Plates?" What is your favorite
passage or quote from the book?

The idea didn't really come to me all at once, it sort of evolved from the desire to write very short pieces. I was having some writer's block at the time, and thinking about tackling a whole full-length project was more than I could deal with. So I told myself, well, what if I wrote stuff that was only one page long. I wrote some of those and somewhere along the way I stole, err, appropriated a structure from a John Cage lecture piece he created called "Indeterminacy." Once I settled on there being 100 of them, I just used my instinct and if a story didn't fit I took it out and tried something else. I don't know if I really have a favorite part. The Ex-lax story?

You are working on a new book, What is the title? What
it is about? Is there sex? Is it secretly about me? If
it's not about me what would you call the novel you
will eventually write about me?

It's called "Tiny Apocalypse," and it takes place in Chicago circa 1999-2000, you know, Y2K anxiety and all, the verge of a brave new era that of course turned out to be neither brave nor new. It centers around this dysfunctional gay dating relationship ... one of the guys is kind of a
free-floating slacker, and the other is a self-absorbed materialist. There's some drug scenes and one fairly hot sex scene. But I didn't want to write about sex too much. There are plenty of other gay novels that focus on that. Ha, no, I wouldn't say it's secretly about you although I planted a little scene where you make a cameo. We'll see if anyone spots it. If I were to write a novel about you I'd call it "Baby Let's Play House."

You've mentioned before that your celebrity crush is
Jake Gyllenhaal. So, you get to take a romantic naked
jacuzzi with Jake- but the jacuzzi is made for three
and you must choose another jacuzzi mate. Will it be
Paris Hilton? Michael Jackson? or Dick Cheney? Please
explain your answer.

I think it'd hafta be Paris. I could tune her out, no big deal. Maybe she could just be talking on her cell phone the whole time. But MJ and Dick, blech, no way could I have an erection within a 100 yards of either.

What do you have in your pockets and your bag today?
Please list all the contents.

Actually since I'm sitting at home I don't have anything in my pockets except for a Kleenex. I think it's always a good idea to have a tissue handy. In my bag (or manpurse, if you insist) I have the book I'm reading ("Rum"), my iPod A/C adapter, my last paycheck from work, 2 movie passes to any Loewe's Theater, which constitute my holiday bonus, and a black ink pen.

When was the last time you ate fast food and what did
you order?

Earlier this week I stopped by Chipotle because I was just too tired to deal with cooking anything. Burrito Bol with spicy shredded beef, black beans, red tomatillo, lettuce, sour cream, cheese. 3,000 calories.

***Jeremy's note-- I think it's interesting that Rob considers Chipotle to be fast food. To me, Chipotle is fine dining. ***

Name five of your favorite things...

"My Life In The Bush Of Ghosts" by Brian Eno and David Byrne, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Mai Tais, livejournal, "Belle de Jour" by Bunuel.

Keeping with the Oprah theme, "What do you know for

I know for sure that things in this country are gonna hafta get a whole lot worse before they can get better. What I don't know is if things are gonna get better.

If you were to send Andy (your boyfriend) flowers today, what would you
write on the card?

Love you madly, Rob.

List your least favorite question of all the ones I
have asked you today?

Picturing either Michael Jackson or Dick Cheney naked in a hot tub with me is nauseating.

Read more about Rob at his website

Read more of The Jeremy Show Interviews:
Kara Buller
standup comedian and femme fatale

The Lady Taja Mahal
modern woman

Brini Maxwell
our new domestic engineer

Friday, December 16, 2005

like a student

So, school is done and I made it through the wilderness. Somehow I made it through. I am expecting to get "ABBA" as my grades. Two A's and two B's (maybe even ABBB or ABBC- that would suck).I have only received one B so far at Columbia. So, that kind of sucks. But it was rough. You can only ride so far on the "I'm the nifty gay student" thing.

Speech (as I have mentioned) was so hard for me. I went into the class not wanting to have anything to do with it and left feeling the same way. I can barely hold on a conversation sometimes, so asking me to get up and talk about a universal public health insurance plan was a bit of a stretch. Loved my teacher though.

TV Directing was also challenging. I did learn a lot as a "director" and actually spent most of my time in the control booth, which I had steered clear of before. "The Miss Foozie Show" was the last project we did and I was the set designer/dresser and I must say- Miss Foozie's beauty shop was a work of art! I had a mannequin in an Aldi bag blouse and sequined mini skirt smoking a cigarette. Brilliant! If I do say so myself- and I do.

History of Modern Europe was ok. I have never really had a handle on any sort of history outside of "I Love Lucy" history, so it was all new to me. Plus my teacher was adorable. Seriously, very distracting. He wins the cutest teacher award.

Production and Editing was great. I love editing. If I had a superpowerful computer with an Avid system, I am certain that I would be an editor. I could stay up all night editing and smoking. The problem for me was arranging time to come in and sit up in a room on the 14th floor and then going down for a cigarette and then coming back up and going back down and coming back up and going back down and on and on...

And now of course the void is here. If I don't have something to worry about I will create it. I was thinking of writing a note on the fridge telling myself "Whatever it is, it is not real and you are overreacting to it." I am sure that with time on my hands I will find something to freak out about. Luckily my break is not that long.

But I do have a lot on my DVR to keep me busy: I Love Lucy, Martha, Martha Stewart Living, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, Issac Mizrahi's new talk show, Regis and Kelly, Brini Maxwell, Wonder Showzen, Reno 911 and, AND! Lifetime Original Movies. Don't get me started on how much I love the Lifetime Movie Network. That's a whole different post.

I say the greatest gift you can give yourself this year is cable.

I have even DVR'd Joan Rivers and Susan Lucci's upcoming appearances on HSN and QVC. I have a lot to keep me busy.

Oh and the Quacker Factory lady! Jeanne Bice! Have you ever seen her? Again, a whole other post will be dedicated to her. Outstanding.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Who wants to go see a movie with me?

Who wants to go see a movie with me? I'll check my bank balance. If I don't have enough money we could just watch a movie at my house. Drink some wine (Red Tail?). I'll smoke a lot, and we can make out.

Who wants to be my boyfriend? I don't know how that would work but we could figure it out. We could both have someone to go to parties with. I'll go to therapy and you'll go to work. I'll smoke a lot, and we can make out.

Who want to get married? I'll be a good housewife, I swear. Judging by my apartment, you might think otherwise-- but I really can clean a house and I can follow a recipe very well. I'll smoke a lot, and we can make out.

Who wants to have a baby with me? We can adopt. I promise I won't go all Brooke Sheilds on the baby (she had visions of throwing the baby up against the wall). I'm good with kids until they are 3 or so and then we'll hire a nanny. I'll smoke a lot, and we can make out.

Who wants to grow old with me? We can both have someone to retire with. We'll sit on the porch and watch the sun go down. We'll read critically acclaimed books and go see a lot of theater. I'll make the reservations and we'll get dressed up. I'll smoke a lot, and we can make out.

Monday, December 12, 2005

better the devil you know

So, It's 5 in the am. I have another frigging speech to give. God Bless America, why do I get so nervous? I have been OBSESSING about it. What is the big deal? I would rather get on a plane with only one working engine than do this.

And, it's never really that bad, the closer I get to actually doing it. Once I'm in the classroom I'm usually ok (knock on wood). It's the week leading up to it that I can't sleep or do dishes or even look at the speech itself. It's like this terrible OCD thing I get into. Like I refuse to do things until after the speech. I will only do the dishes AFTER THE SPEECH. I will only go out and enjoy myself AFTER THE SPEECH. I torture myself. Cukoooooo!!

All the Lexapro in the world can't handle this one.

I remember on the el I saw some woman with a bag of cleaning products and she kept spraying some sort of product in the air and on the seat and then wiping down her hands with another product. She was terribly disheveled and crazy looking and just out of her mind- but she had to keep up spraying and wiping down, spraying and wiping down. What memory or image or invisible germ was she trying to clean away?

I don't do that but I do sleep for ridiculous amounts of time when I'm trying to avoid something.

I slept from 4 AM Saturday night until about 5 PM on Sunday
Got up ordered Jimmy Johns, watched the Simpsons
Went back to bed at about 8 PM
Got up at about 11 PM and have been up, in some form or another since then.

And it's all because of this speech. Then I get to a point where I don't have the energy or interest to care about it anymore.

I would go back to a therapy, but I dont know- I think I have gone to that school, enjoyed it, learned A LOT and graduated. There is only so much that talking about my past and my quirks and my destructive behavior is going to do.

"Fake it until you make it"-- Kara always says.

So, at 7 AM I will get my bag together, throw on another wonderful outfit from The Jeremy Wells Collection, put on my iPod and listen to the playlist I titled "DONE!" and just fake it. Pretend I'm ok with it all and maybe I will be.

Songs on "Done!" playlist and selected quotes...

Make Me Famous- Bette Midler

(Bette Midler speaking to God from Isn't She Great)
"CUT THE CRAP, no more bullshit! Here's the deal..I keep going, but you start helping! I can't do everything myself! C'mon! Get on the phone! NOW! Make...ME...Famous!!"

I Bow Out- Whitney Houston

"I Bow Out"

Not all me- Alanis Morissette

"It's not all me, It's not all my fault, I may remind you, but I won't take it all on"

There Won't Be Trumpets- Bernadette Peters
"Those smug little men with their smug little schemes, They forgot one thing:
The play isn't over by a long shot yet!"

I Miss You- Blink 182
"We can live like Jack and Sally if we want, Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas"

Cool- Gwen Stefani

"And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through, I know we're cool"

Better Days- Janet Jackson

"Leavin' old shit behind, And move on with my life
The blindfold's off my eyes, And now all I see for me is better days"

Nothing Fails- Madonna
"Nothing fails, No more fears, Nothing fails"

Isaac- Madonna
"Remember, remember, never forget, All of your life has all been a test
You will find the gate that's open, Even though your spirit's broken"

Recovery- Olivia Newton-John
"When I go wrong as people do, There's only me to answer to,
Nobody here to bring me down, No feelings I need step around
Trouble and care are waiting out there, But I'm alright, I'm safe tonight"

Miserabilism- Pet Shop Boys

"Deny that happiness is open as an option, And disappointment disappears overnight"

The Arms Of Orion- Prince With Sheena Easton
"God only knows where you are tonight, Maybe time will tell me,
Till then I'll close my eyes"

Hollywood U.S.A.- RuPaul

"Packin up, givin in, I can't win, Going back to start over again"

Two Door Downs- Me'Shell N'Degeocello

"Cause I cant stay inside this lonely room and cry forever.
I think Id really rather join em two doors down."

The Best- Tina Turner

"Give me a lifetime of promises and a world of dreams
Speak the language of love like you know what it means"

Running Back To You- Vanessa Williams
"Let's go."

Saturday, December 10, 2005


The twentysomething guy and girl that live across the alleyway from me have just returned from a day of shopping on Michigan Ave. I watch them enter their apartment from the window by bed- about ten feet away.

They don't turn on the kitchen light as they enter. The guy drops the bags he carried for the girl and goes to pee. The girl checks the voicemail. She knows its her mother, shes the only one that calls on the land line. The guy knows its her mother too.

The guy does not like the mother. The guy is not even sure if he likes the girl anymore.

The girl likes the stuff that they bought.