So, It's 5 in the am. I have another frigging speech to give. God Bless America, why do I get so nervous? I have been OBSESSING about it. What is the big deal? I would rather get on a plane with only one working engine than do this.
And, it's never really that bad, the closer I get to actually doing it. Once I'm in the classroom I'm usually ok (knock on wood). It's the week leading up to it that I can't sleep or do dishes or even look at the speech itself. It's like this terrible OCD thing I get into. Like I refuse to do things until after the speech. I will only do the dishes AFTER THE SPEECH. I will only go out and enjoy myself AFTER THE SPEECH. I torture myself. Cukoooooo!!
All the Lexapro in the world can't handle this one.
I remember on the el I saw some woman with a bag of cleaning products and she kept spraying some sort of product in the air and on the seat and then wiping down her hands with another product. She was terribly disheveled and crazy looking and just out of her mind- but she had to keep up spraying and wiping down, spraying and wiping down. What memory or image or invisible germ was she trying to clean away?
I don't do that but I do sleep for ridiculous amounts of time when I'm trying to avoid something.
I slept from 4 AM Saturday night until about 5 PM on Sunday
Got up ordered Jimmy Johns, watched the Simpsons
Went back to bed at about 8 PM
Got up at about 11 PM and have been up, in some form or another since then.
And it's all because of this speech. Then I get to a point where I don't have the energy or interest to care about it anymore.
I would go back to a therapy, but I dont know- I think I have gone to that school, enjoyed it, learned A LOT and graduated. There is only so much that talking about my past and my quirks and my destructive behavior is going to do.
"Fake it until you make it"-- Kara always says.
So, at 7 AM I will get my bag together, throw on another wonderful outfit from The Jeremy Wells Collection, put on my iPod and listen to the playlist I titled "DONE!" and just fake it. Pretend I'm ok with it all and maybe I will be.
Songs on "Done!" playlist and selected quotes...
Make Me Famous- Bette Midler
(Bette Midler speaking to God from Isn't She Great)
"CUT THE CRAP, no more bullshit! Here's the deal..I keep going, but you start helping! I can't do everything myself! C'mon! Get on the phone! NOW! Make...ME...Famous!!"
I Bow Out- Whitney Houston
"I Bow Out"
Not all me- Alanis Morissette
"It's not all me, It's not all my fault, I may remind you, but I won't take it all on"
There Won't Be Trumpets- Bernadette Peters
"Those smug little men with their smug little schemes, They forgot one thing:
The play isn't over by a long shot yet!"
I Miss You- Blink 182
"We can live like Jack and Sally if we want, Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas"
Cool- Gwen Stefani
"And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through, I know we're cool"
Better Days- Janet Jackson
"Leavin' old shit behind, And move on with my life
The blindfold's off my eyes, And now all I see for me is better days"
Nothing Fails- Madonna
"Nothing fails, No more fears, Nothing fails"
Isaac- Madonna
"Remember, remember, never forget, All of your life has all been a test
You will find the gate that's open, Even though your spirit's broken"
Recovery- Olivia Newton-John
"When I go wrong as people do, There's only me to answer to,
Nobody here to bring me down, No feelings I need step around
Trouble and care are waiting out there, But I'm alright, I'm safe tonight"
Miserabilism- Pet Shop Boys
"Deny that happiness is open as an option, And disappointment disappears overnight"
The Arms Of Orion- Prince With Sheena Easton
"God only knows where you are tonight, Maybe time will tell me,
Till then I'll close my eyes"
Hollywood U.S.A.- RuPaul
"Packin up, givin in, I can't win, Going back to start over again"
Two Door Downs- Me'Shell N'Degeocello
"Cause I cant stay inside this lonely room and cry forever.
I think Id really rather join em two doors down."
The Best- Tina Turner
"Give me a lifetime of promises and a world of dreams
Speak the language of love like you know what it means"
Running Back To You- Vanessa Williams
"Let's go."
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