cleaning out my closet

seventeen degrees outside. seventy seven degrees inside. it is difficult to moderate temperatures with a radiator. did i mention that grey gardens is a masterpiece playing nightly in nyc. i saw it with kara.


my response to the book lying by lauren slater for creative non-fiction:

One thing that struck me most in Slater’s book was her discussion about “falling.” I underlined this passage in my book:

I think secretly each and every one of us longs to fall, and knows in a deep wise place in our brains that surrender is the means by which we gain, not lose our lives…We want to go down, and it hurts to fight the force of gravity. (Slater 51)

I have been practicing falling my whole life. I am constantly having big dramatic breakdowns in my life (sometimes self induced, sometimes not). I spend days, weeks, months recovering from some overblown tragedy. A comment that someone made, a breakup, a bad grade, etc. The world cracks into a “million little pieces” and I have to pick it all up and start all over again, always on the look out for the next fall. It always catches me off guard and down I go.

My goal is to be able to get up quicker, less bruised. I want to work through the drama and get on with it. I must be getting something out of putting myself through it. Perhaps it’s safe to me, a song and dance I’ve grown accustomed to. I’m sick of it frankly, and I’m trying not to let stuff get to me. But it’s hard when you’ve grown accustomed to the game of falling.

Wisdom from my father:

Wisdom from Tony Wells:

(some I adhere to, some I do not)

1. Don’t leave the knife with peanut butter in the sink.

2. If you are going to clean something clean it all the way- don’t half ass it.
-Like if you’re going to vacuum, get every single piece of dust or dirt off of the floor or what’s the point? Even if it means picking microsopic pieces of dirt up by hand.

3. Don’t waste time watching a movie you’ve already seen.
-Everytime we went to the video store, I would want to rent “9 to 5” and I would
have to go through a lot of red tape to get my way. But I got it.

4. Joan Crawford said “No Wire Hangers, Ever!” For my dad it’s “No Candles, Ever!”
-To my dad, candles are the work of the devil. He recently confessed that he had a stash of candles that he would steal from my room. He did not tell me where they were, and I suspect I will never know.

5. Anyone and everyone is worth talking to and making friends with.
-My dad is the most generous and understanding person. He can talk to anyone and has the most forgiving heart. He rarely ever gossips or puts anyone down behind there back. Rather, he tries to understand where they are coming from or just accepts them for who they are. This is the most important lesson I’ve learned from my father.

6. Mayonaisse and ketchup mixed together is the perfect sauce for fish.
-I thought my dad invented this.

7. Woody Allen is annoying.

something new

things someone said that have been echoing in my mind lately

"what's more pathetic- having talent and no ambition? or ambition and no talent?"
something about, "...people who peak in high school"
in business "you always need a product"

why do these statements echo in my mind so much.

the plan for the day:

1. Plan something to do while I'm in LA, Feb 1- Feb 4
2. Get outside, no matter how cold.
3. Call therapist and make an appointment.
4. Add more videos to The Jeremy Show Video Vault.
5. Maybe try to get Wicked tickets!
6. Fuck if I know.

as if i never said goodbye

had a bad dream about being in a cult. then i had another bad dream that they were making special madonna "confessions on a dancefloor" cigarettes. they had the album cover on the box and the cigarettes were purple. i was really angry because the clerk would not let me buy them for some reason. i was furious.

had easter brunch with my family at the pheasant run resort in st. charles. it was very nice in a suburban vacation desination sort of way. they had a petting zoo for the kids in the parking lot. my three nephews fed chickens and ducks and lots of other vague barnyard animals. goats? sheep? was that a donkey or some sort of retarted horse? anyway, made me want to go on vacation.

the last "vacation" i went on was with Kara to minneapolis for a spoken word convention/festival. this was about 3 years ago. we were to read stuff that we had written at different places in minneapolis. one was a coffee shop with about three people watching. i was out of my mind nervous. i got up to read and i was literally having a seizure, shaking so bad. very funny because it was seriously like reading to three people at a very empty starbucks. i was booked for another "gig" but i cancelled it. that was the last time i "performed" in public (not counting my speech class). the highlight for me was seeing the statue of mary tyler moore throwing her hat up in the air, and we went to a drag show that was pretty good.

i would really like to go to new york in may and see peter and the new sandra bernhard show. also would like to visit heather in arizona. if i had lots of money i would love to take my whole family to disneyworld. i do get very homesick on vacation s. i always want to cut it short.

also, i dont like flying.

California Pizza Kitchen

My mom and I have been having dinner every Thursday. I meet her after her class at the Newberry Library gets out.

Over pizza at California Pizza Kitchen we discussed many things. How I should get a job, documentaries I've watched, my sister, my father, my nephews, my brother-in-law.

Somehow we got on the topic of the Department of Homeland Security.

Tonight she said, "Ugh..everytime I hear someone on television refer to 'homeland' I want to strangle them. What is this Nazi Germany? Are we living in the fatherland?"