right here, right now

today i woke up and decided that i was going to try and look like i am not homeless. hard to do when you haven't done laundry in about a month.

i'm having a little bit of anxiety about how i don't have anxiety right now. i'm used to a crushing, squeezing sensation in my chest and stomach. i'm used to feeling like my head is stuck in vice. but right now, im feeling a little like, hmm at peace.

i just realized it's because i took a ativan. hahahaha. i seriously forgot i took that. that explains it (now i'm anxious because i think that i'm losing short term memory).

i'm sitting at computer Kiosk 1A at Columbia College waiting for my class to start. Lots of other busy little bees typing-- myspacing, emailing, blog reading themselves away. real heavy breather next to me in a mustard sweat suit and baseball cap turned to one side. seriously sounds like he is snoring.

a lot of really unfortunate outfits:
decoratively frayed denim jacket numbers
floral ties
bad black painters jeans
hoodies (mmmm, throw a hoodie on and some pajama pants-- so comfy! barf)
big stupid black sneakers with dirt all over them
whimsical hipster t-shirts with unrecognizable and senseless designs that no one knows what the hell it is

if you look around you can really make yourself feel better by criticizing what other people wear (even if you look like shit yourself). you should try it.

now, that's not the kind of karma i should be putting out into the world. i send love and light to all god's children. the lord is my shepherd.

really ripped abs

So, on Saturday morning I woke up with the mission of getting Madonnas new (not so new anymore) documentary "I'm Going To Tell You A Secret" off of my computer and on to a DVD. I decided I would buy an external DVD drive. This was my mission my, my dream. As Madonna fans we should just level with ourselves- we don't know when or if this movie will ever be released on DVD. So I thought I would be safe and buy a DVD drive and make a copy so I could watch it and force others to watch it. It has been tough but not impossible to make people sit in front of my computer. But by transferring it to DVD, I would be able to carry a copy in my backpack.

I went to Staples and purchased an external DVD drive solely with the purpose of transferring the movie off of my computer. $186.54 onto my debit card.

Well, I tried it and it didnt work. I tried a different type of dvd and it didn't work. I tried to shorten it and fuckedaround with the settings and it didn't work. I went through about six different dvds and each time I did it it took four hours to record it and never worked. It looked too pixelated and eventually froze up in my regular dvd player.

I gave up and decided we're all going to have to wait until this movie is released officially on DVD. You may remember me posing as a tv executive trying to get a screener copy from the company that holds the rights to the distribution. That failed.

So, I took the damn dvd player back and decided "Kids! We're going to Target!" I have my mom's car for a couple days. I drove around for about a year trying to find the damn Target. I eventually found the two story Target at Addison.

I bought:
some blue blue wrangler jeans
a red t-shirt
a yellow long sleeve t-shirt (that probably won't fit)
some boxer briefs (Target's "Merona" brand- which isn't sexy)
a swishy brown windbreaker (that's too big and makes me look like the homeless woman who is real shaky and talkative and asks for a cigarette and then keeps talking)
some honey roasted peanuts

then I accidentally stopped at Jewel and bought:
some Marie Callendars frozen fish dinners
garbage bags
2 cans of Pringles (1 dollar each!)
Doritos (accidentally bought the "Taco" flavor, SHIT!!!)
and

I found some bodywash called "Bod- Really Ripped Abs" for 50 cents
Hahah "Really Ripped Abs" hahahahaha, ahh
It smelled good and kind of gave me a charge. Like I was buying lube or a sex toy or something.

Anyway, because it was a clearance item and only 50 cents, they had to do a price check for my "Bod- Really Ripped Abs" bodywash. Nice. Standing there with greasy hair and without a body type that could even came close to having "really ripped abs." I had to have the manager come over and override the computer so I could buy my 50 cent "Bod- Really Ripped Abs" bodywash.

I should not be allowed to go shopping without an escort. I should have an escort like a retarted person living in a group home.

"Jeremy, no you can't buy Doritos and Pringles and a bottle of Bod bodywash. No put them back. Put them back."

To Assistant

Re: Hair
Let's plan this out and stick to it. Let's pick a style and maintain it- not let it grow out into an unruly mullet. We don't need another reason for people to question my already questionable sanity.

Re: Shirts
Let's get rid of all ill fitting clothes. Let's not save bad oversized t-shirts, thinking that they would be good to wear to bed. These t-shirts end up in day-to-day public wardrobe.

What is the best style for my body type? What's appropriate to wear if you have a gut and one man breast? Do a search for a celebrity with my body type and I will wear what this celebrity wears. If that celebrity is determined to be Rodney Dangerfield, don't tell me.

Re: Jeans
I'm hearing that tight jeans are coming back in. Is this true? Can I jump on board with this trend? If so, what do I wear on top? Stripy shirts? Should we buy a bunch of stripy shirts? What's next after stripy shirts? Let's find out, please.

Re: Shoes
Why can't I wear shoes with no laces? Why does they disturb roommate? I'm willing to comprimise, can we find something that will go with absolutely everything, always and forever. Let's find those shoes and buy a lifetime supply. As you know, I loathe shoe shopping. I end up buying high top basketball sneakers and then not returning them.

Re: Cigarettes
Should I switch to Parliments? Camel Lights seem to be a hangover from the nineties. What is the coolest cigarette to smoke? Switch me over to whatever cigarette that is. Other cigarette brands used to make me sick. Now is a good time to swith as I am not able to taste the difference anymore.

Re: Underwear
Boxer Briefs? What is the most attractive male undergarment to wear? What looks best on me (see body type)? This is important because I am planning to have lots of candelit, playful teasing, George Michael in the background, bubblebath taking, Lifetime Original Movie sex.

Re: Ipod
It has come to my attention that I need to have an Ipod if I am to ride the CTA. As funds are low, can we construct a fake Ipod? We could fashion it out of a polished block of wood or even a bar of soap. We can paint my earphones with white-out and then hide my horribly outdated cd player in my messenger bag (find what the coolest messenger bag is).

Re: Music
As much as I wish they would, friend(s) don't seem to be impressed with my music collection (Janet Jackson, Bette Midler, Madonna, Pet Shop Boys, etc). As in the Ipod example, let's create fake cd cases of music that is appropriate and just cutting edge enough to impress friends and gay.com one night stands. Inside we can store Bette Midler's "Songs for The New Depression" and Celine Dion's "All the Way" etc.

Friend has told me that in New York City gay bars do not play the standard gay fare that is played in Chicago. Instead of Whitney Houston, something called The Stooges is played. Must find out what The Stooges are and begin to slip knowledge into regular conversation. Also, must start complaining loudly at Spin and Roscoes that the music is tired and would never be played in NYC. Say things like, "I'm just not really into the bar scene" and give dirty looks to people in sweaters.

Let's get to work.

threads

ROBE

My mom bought me a navy blue robe for Christmas. It could be very dangerous for me.

I indicated to her that I wanted one with long sleeves. (I really wanted one like Laverne and Shirley used to wear, I think they were chenille with daisies. I realize she wasn't going to buy her son a women's robe.)

I love the one she bought me, but it is kind of turning into a depression costume. I walk around the house like I am in the last years of my life, in my winter cap and dark blue robe, looking out the window at people on the street. "I remember those times, the laughter, the love, that's all over now." I need to limit how much I wear it.

UNIFORM

When I worked at McDonald's the condition of my uniform could predict the way my shift would go. If I had a clean shirt and pants and remembered to bring my nametag and my belt I would be a much more productive manager.

PANTS

I remember "tight rolling" my pants in junior high. Rolling the pants perfectly, tight and crisp, was absolutely essential to your popularity. Those who could not master this art were to consider themselves targets for ridicule and torment.

And it's with these charming anecdotes that I remind you:

We all have to learn to dress correctly and pay a little bit more attention to appearances. Let me tell you, I have read a lot of brochures at temporary agencies and if there is one thing I've learned-- Appearance is critical to success in the corporate world. A trimmed, steamed, plucked, groomed, concealed, buffed, laundered, expensive smelling you is the only way to make it. Take a little time and look at the people around you. What do the successful people wear? Take some notes and then go out and purchase something like them. You'll never get anywhere looking like that.

comforter

Pardon me, You must have mistaken me for someone with good credit
I haven't purchased any new clothes in over a year. My hair is growing into a mullet. No, I'm sorry I can't leave this room. Not this weekend.

Keeping things under control here.
Keeping a close eye on things from my bed.

diet

I have the diet of cartoon character: root beer(snoopy), cheesy poofs(south park gang), coffee (cathy), donuts (homer simpson), lasagna (garfield).

Barbasol!

I didn't use shaving cream for the longest time. I would usually use regular old soap or conditioner to shave with. Then I discovered all the deliciously fragrant flavors of shaving cream that are available to women and men. Glistening Pear, Tropical Fruit, Thanksgiving Dinner, etc.

I was shopping for toiletries one day, trying to budget. The cheapest shaving cream available was Barbasol. I liked the way it looked with it's barber pole design, the alternating red and white. Very masculine. Very suburban dad in the late seventies dressing up for a dinner party at the Benson's house on a winter evening. He's in an unhappy marriage and everyone knows it. He's very hot for Susan Benson, the blonde hostess. Maybe he'll wind up in the garage with her- making out on top of the car, while the rest of the party snorts coke off of a glass coffee table. Susan Benson will always remember the smell of Barbasol. She'll buy it for her own husband, but it's not the same as that winter night on top of the car.

The Barbasol can doesn't have a rustproof bottom. I shave in the shower and it left rust rings all over the tile, that can only be removed with bleach. I had to wrap a plastic bag around it so I didn't have to keep scrubbing the tile clean. I won't buy Barbasol again. Back to Gilette or something with metallic sports car fonts and graphics. It's not as sexy as my Barbasol fantasy.