Good Morning dear readers. I wish I was Ann Landers or Dear Abby typing away at a crusty old typewriter. I want to answer all the questions give all the advice. Cut the bullshit and talk turkey. What's going on! Let's figure it out.
I'll tell you what's going on with me. I'm in the throws of a slump. Every week can't be a winning week and this sure hasn't been my month. The finances are ridiculous. Can't get a pack of cigarettes without doing a song and dance, and the pack is gone before I'm done dancing. Clowns to the left jokers to the right, you understand? I dont.
It seems every night, instead of enjoying a blissful slumber I'm laying in bed imagining what my future will be. What's in store for this two bit lazy faggot with a pot belly and bad feet? It can't be good. Ultimately, no matter which way you shake it, "The Jeremy Show" ends in death. Maybe not tragedy, but death.
And what will I have left to the world? "There are only two worthwhile things to leave behind when you depart this world: Children and art." The former is highly doubtful and I can guarantee it wouldn't be a pretty picture and the latter has thus far proven to be mediocre. If not mediocre, then less than lucrative.
But let's turn that frown upside down. Let's talk about hot boys. Who's hot! Let's talk about who's hot.
Will Kirby, Big Brother: All Stars
A doctor! A doctor! I can't believe I'm marrying a doctor! Dr. Will teach me how to wash my face!!! He sells facebrushes on infomercials and is the star of Big Brother. Can't get enough of him. I want to get a sexy lecture from him about my terrible skin care. I don't wash my face. Unless you call running the shower water over your head pretending to be in the Madonna "Rain" video washing your face. I prefer a smoked out, ashen look.
Morgan Spurlock, 30 Days
I'm a sucker for a handlebar mustaches and futile attempts to save the world from the inevitable social, environmental and political apocalypse we see before us. Break it down for me Morgan. Let's try save the world, and let's try to save the world on FX. Fox light! Just because theres no O doesn't mean you aren't getting paid by Rupert Murdoch. But I don't care who you're getting paid by as long as you love me.
Leonardo Dicaprio and Toby Maguire at the beach
That's what I'm talking about. I like a little meat on the bones. One time I made out with this wiry, rickety, skinny boy in Wicker Park and it was like making out with a starved greyhound dog. Give me a nice overweight guy in a bad swimsuit. Life is too short not to be overweight! I mean, I guess I mean just eat. Have a great summer go to the beach, let it all hang out. Wear your Teva sandals. Get sand in your asscrack. I can't go with you right now because I have no money for the bus, but you go. You live it up, I'm telling you-- you aren't getting any younger.You just aren't. Enjoy your flabby, well fed, sexy bodies while you can. No one is going to want to go to the beach with you when you are old and dusty and you are pooping your scented adult diapers.
I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. Blecch. I've been up all night trying to pretend like things are going to be okay. And they aren't. Life is impossible. It will always be impossible and nonsensical and mostly shitty. The more you try to plan the more it's just going to be a mess. And if you are able to hold it all down and organize it- you've turn into a rigid neurotic mess that no one wants to be around anyway. Do what you want to do and do it until it makes other people hate you. Then you'll find out who your real friends are. Buy shit you don't need. I have so many candy coated nuggets of wisdom for you this morning-- I should take calls. I should "open up the phone lines." I have poured myself 2 cups of French Roast grandiosity. Good to the last drop.