Monday, July 18, 2005

you'd every cause to doubt me, mein herr

Well, my goodness. I have not been feeling good lately. My, my, my. Especially bad mood for the last 5 days or so.

I think it started when I took a pain pill for my root canal. I think it triggered my depression switch. That might sound ridiculous but I think that is what happened. Ever since I have had all the classic blah blah symptoms- hopeless, self loathing, trouble sleeping. There are many things in my life to be especially thankful for, but when I am in "one of my moods" it is almost impossible to see them. Everything is pathetic.

I look back at my blog entries from this time last year and there are only two- it seems I was doing okay (I have had suspicion that its the summer that does it to me). But I was working. That is a huge factor in the arrival of depressive states for me. If I have no structure, I am doomed. Everything warps- my self esteem, my perception of others, time. I can stand outside myself and see this, but I feel that I can't stop it.

I would like to write more but I'm already getting annoyed with what I've written, ha! It did help to write this much out, though. So, for now, baby steps. I will work on my assignment for school tomorrow. Writing a paper on a clip from "Cabaret" we watched.

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