Oh yes, I agree the gay pride parades all across the land have become too corporate, too big, too exploitive. It's just not the way it was. I remember my first pride 30 years ago. Now that was nice, a better time. Things were much better for the gays then.
Let's go back to a simpler time when there was none of this craziness... corporate sponsorship, Miller Lite necklaces and Red Bull sponsored drag queens. It's tacky, dirty. Tanned muscular men gyrating to dance music (the music itself, so corporate- disgusting!) Frankly, I am embarrassed.
Let's put our shirts back on, throw away our freedom rings. In fact let's let that crazy rascal in the White House know, along with the American Family Association that we, the homosexuals, are also sick of this. Let's clickty clack some angry emails letting them know that we don't need Kraft Foods, or anyone else for that matter, to sponsor us. Of course, this will bring in less money. We can have smaller parades, maybe block parties. Or we can have individual parades, by ourselves, alone, in our houses, with the shades drawn- away from all of the hot dancing boys that make me feel uncomfortable about my body.
Let's make ourselves less visible. Let's get rid of that pesky media! Again, it's supposed to be our parade. Media visibility has never done anything to bring about any kind of change.
You know what, let's just shut down the parade all together. I'm sure ol' W and his buddies would be behind that. Let's shut down the parade, and shut down these tacky neighborhoods with annoying rainbow flags and expensive gay friendly bars and merchants.
Things are really out of control. Let's join the majority of the country and say we want to go back to the way it was.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Sunday, June 26, 2005
heartbeat
i know i havent been putting out a lot of positive energy on this thing lately, and i apologize. i have had a good weekend. i've hung out with all of my best friends. lots of drinkin and smokin. just the way i like it. i am grateful to have such a great group of friends who put up with me.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
hard time getting a sentence out
I'm in Crystal Lake where I grew up. It's humid and too quiet. I can see why I went crazy here.
In Chicago everyone is crazy. In Crystal Lake, everyone is crazy too but they pretend like they are normal. That is why it's so creepy here.
I feel like all the connections and frienships I have made are hanging by a thread. This is my craziness talking, not the way things really are. Just feeling really raw, tender. Like a piece of meat.
In Chicago everyone is crazy. In Crystal Lake, everyone is crazy too but they pretend like they are normal. That is why it's so creepy here.
I feel like all the connections and frienships I have made are hanging by a thread. This is my craziness talking, not the way things really are. Just feeling really raw, tender. Like a piece of meat.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
take a bow
"Madonna was shocked at a recent signing appearance to promote her children's books -- because the crowd was almost entirely made up of gay men.
The pop star expected to see a host of young children with their parents lining up to have their copy of "The Adventures Of Abdi" signed -- but only spotted one youngster during the whole session.
'It was all gay men apart from one woman with her child,' she said. 'I was so shocked.'
World Entertainment News Network
You know what, Madonna, we're just as confused as you. I remember when your first children's book came out, I bought it for the daughter of one of my best friends. I didn't read it, I just felt like I needed to purchase a copy. My friend never really commented on receiving it for her child. "Great, Madonna's children's book," she must have thought.
If you started endorsing frozen peas and had a signing at a grocery store for your frozen peas we'd all be lined up outside the grocery store to buy our bag of Madonna's Frozen Peas and to see you. I don't even like peas, but I'd be there because, like it or not, I'm a lifelong fan.
I don't think you should be shocked that only gay men showed up for your book signing. As retarted as it is, we put you where you are. We defended you from Dick Tracy to Body of Evidence to Swept Away. So why not give a little something back that doesn't require us to float around the children's section at Borders like hungry pedophiles.
Let's get to work before it's too late:
1) Let's go ahead and finish that tour documentary and cut out all the shit about the Kaballah. Let's not get all Tom Cruise right now, I don't think I can take it.
2) No more songs about how you used to be obsessed with fame and fashion but now you're seeing the light. We got the point four records ago.
3) No more movies with your husband. Find another Evita. Another extended music video movie that'll will win you an Oscar, so we can move on. Call Baz Luhrman or dig up some old Bob Fosse musical.
4) Forget adding your voice to the Puss N' Boots, Shrek sequel sequel. It's a waste of time.
5) Give us another "Into the Groove"/"Music"/"Vogue" that we can shake our sagging gay asses and overdeveloped thirtysomething/fortysomething pot bellies to. We don't have a lot of time left on the dance floor in the back until we have to take our seat at the bar in the front of the club. You know it and I know it.
The pop star expected to see a host of young children with their parents lining up to have their copy of "The Adventures Of Abdi" signed -- but only spotted one youngster during the whole session.
'It was all gay men apart from one woman with her child,' she said. 'I was so shocked.'
World Entertainment News Network
You know what, Madonna, we're just as confused as you. I remember when your first children's book came out, I bought it for the daughter of one of my best friends. I didn't read it, I just felt like I needed to purchase a copy. My friend never really commented on receiving it for her child. "Great, Madonna's children's book," she must have thought.
If you started endorsing frozen peas and had a signing at a grocery store for your frozen peas we'd all be lined up outside the grocery store to buy our bag of Madonna's Frozen Peas and to see you. I don't even like peas, but I'd be there because, like it or not, I'm a lifelong fan.
I don't think you should be shocked that only gay men showed up for your book signing. As retarted as it is, we put you where you are. We defended you from Dick Tracy to Body of Evidence to Swept Away. So why not give a little something back that doesn't require us to float around the children's section at Borders like hungry pedophiles.
Let's get to work before it's too late:
1) Let's go ahead and finish that tour documentary and cut out all the shit about the Kaballah. Let's not get all Tom Cruise right now, I don't think I can take it.
2) No more songs about how you used to be obsessed with fame and fashion but now you're seeing the light. We got the point four records ago.
3) No more movies with your husband. Find another Evita. Another extended music video movie that'll will win you an Oscar, so we can move on. Call Baz Luhrman or dig up some old Bob Fosse musical.
4) Forget adding your voice to the Puss N' Boots, Shrek sequel sequel. It's a waste of time.
5) Give us another "Into the Groove"/"Music"/"Vogue" that we can shake our sagging gay asses and overdeveloped thirtysomething/fortysomething pot bellies to. We don't have a lot of time left on the dance floor in the back until we have to take our seat at the bar in the front of the club. You know it and I know it.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
too many people at once
I passed by my old therapist's office today. I didn't realize I was so close to it. I felt an urge to call her, maybe make an appointment, tell her I live close to her office. Then I thought that's silly because I don't really need to see her. Then I felt a little nervous thinking, "Do I need to see her?"
I don't think so. I just wanted to see her. Maybe feeling a little lonely. Luckily, I have a job lined up for next week.
It just occured to me that it is not my responsibility to act cheerful or "together" just to make others comfortable. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.
Sometimes I feel like I'm being dishonest about how I really feel- pretending I'm okay with something that I'm not okay with. Like I get caught up in and begin tripping over my lies. Except they're not really lies, just misrepresentations of how I feel about things. Then I forget how I feel about things and then I get disoriented in relationships.
Yeah, I'm not sure I even understand this.
I don't think so. I just wanted to see her. Maybe feeling a little lonely. Luckily, I have a job lined up for next week.
It just occured to me that it is not my responsibility to act cheerful or "together" just to make others comfortable. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.
Sometimes I feel like I'm being dishonest about how I really feel- pretending I'm okay with something that I'm not okay with. Like I get caught up in and begin tripping over my lies. Except they're not really lies, just misrepresentations of how I feel about things. Then I forget how I feel about things and then I get disoriented in relationships.
Yeah, I'm not sure I even understand this.
Can't we shake it up a little?
Rather than hearing people say
"I LOVE Motown."
"I love The Gap."
"I LOVE Kahlua."
"Oh, I love Jim Carrey."
"I love The Olive Garden."
I'd rather hear
"I love heroin."
"I LOVE when you slap me."
"I love the smell of your socks."
"I LOVE Motown."
"I love The Gap."
"I LOVE Kahlua."
"Oh, I love Jim Carrey."
"I love The Olive Garden."
I'd rather hear
"I love heroin."
"I LOVE when you slap me."
"I love the smell of your socks."
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
i've got you under my skin
"Men are concerned with two things and two things only dear," I sigh exhaling toxic smoke, "sex and power. All men, everywhere, all the time, forever and ever."
"No, I'm serious. As much as they might cover it up with a bouquet of flowers or a sensitive seeming interest in books or theater, It's all about sex and power. Don't you ever forget it. Don't depend on them, don't put a drop of your trust in them. Remember how your mom told you to stay away from pyramid schemes and Columbia House Music Club? I say the same to you about men."
"Take a computer class, make more female friends, buy a lovely piece of property, start smoking more pot, whatever. Use the men in your life like you would a beautiful piece of pottery. Admire them, take care of them, stare at them for hours, but remember- they are just a decoration. If they break, just sweep up the pieces and dump them in the garbage, forget about them tomorrow."
"No, I'm serious. As much as they might cover it up with a bouquet of flowers or a sensitive seeming interest in books or theater, It's all about sex and power. Don't you ever forget it. Don't depend on them, don't put a drop of your trust in them. Remember how your mom told you to stay away from pyramid schemes and Columbia House Music Club? I say the same to you about men."
"Take a computer class, make more female friends, buy a lovely piece of property, start smoking more pot, whatever. Use the men in your life like you would a beautiful piece of pottery. Admire them, take care of them, stare at them for hours, but remember- they are just a decoration. If they break, just sweep up the pieces and dump them in the garbage, forget about them tomorrow."
Thursday, May 12, 2005
notes on the boy with the strong jaw
He's a baseball cap wearing, clean smelling, trimmed facial hair and fingernail, sports watching, big handed, perfectly, slightly ripped jeans with broad square shoulders and chest. Durable, capable.
He's curious about art and faggy things, even dabbles in painting or drawing, but not too much. He can't be too curious about anything. He's got other stuff to do, has to make money, has to reproduce.
I was not born this way. My mom told me that the doctor said when I was born that I would never have very good upper body strength. Lots of little things that the doctor said that my mom remembers that stick in my head. Born not breathing, always sticks in my head. Like I barely made it, like my existence was a bonus feature on the dvd.
But that's not a good way to think, is it? No. I slide into it real easy though. Walking around feeling incomplete or special or different.
I'm sorry. So, yeah, he's in one of my classes. He's a real charmer.
He's curious about art and faggy things, even dabbles in painting or drawing, but not too much. He can't be too curious about anything. He's got other stuff to do, has to make money, has to reproduce.
I was not born this way. My mom told me that the doctor said when I was born that I would never have very good upper body strength. Lots of little things that the doctor said that my mom remembers that stick in my head. Born not breathing, always sticks in my head. Like I barely made it, like my existence was a bonus feature on the dvd.
But that's not a good way to think, is it? No. I slide into it real easy though. Walking around feeling incomplete or special or different.
I'm sorry. So, yeah, he's in one of my classes. He's a real charmer.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
popcorn
just can't seem to get enough sleep. i missed my culture race and media class which is my favorite class.
i took the bus home from looking at an apartment on monday in lakeview. i looked in the window of the assisted living center on clark. an old woman was having an early 5:00 dinner. i identifed with her more than i did with the shiny happy gay boys walking up and down broadway. i wondered if i should have been looking at apartments in the assisted living center.
when kara was gone over the weekend i was up late watching tv. thought it would be a good idea to make a bag of popcorn. i looked at the back of the bag and vaguely noticed that it said four minutes. i had made bags of popcorn many times before in this microwave and there is even a popcorn button that cooks bags of popcorn perfectly.
still, i set the microwave for four minutes. my mind somewhere else. i went back to the television. after about three minutes i noticed a terrible smell coming from the microwave. stupidly, i ran to the microwave and opened the door. brown, greasy popcorn smoke poured out of the microwave filling the entire apartment.
i have tried all the online remedies for this. and although the smell has dissipated a little, this event really fucked me up this week. i can't get away from this mistake i made. it's everywhere. everything smells like burnt popcorn, even if it really doesn't.
i have to buy a new microwave. it wasn't mine, it's karas. i have to wait for the refund for my loan for school to do that. i worry that my landlord will sue me for smoke damage, but i don't think it's that bad. still i'm terrified. i'm always thinking about my burnt popcorn.
joey said that maybe it was a wake up call for something. maybe that i should get out of the house. which is interesting. i think it's more that my mind is somewhere else. im a ninety year old woman trying to make a bag of popcorn and setting the house on fire.
i took the bus home from looking at an apartment on monday in lakeview. i looked in the window of the assisted living center on clark. an old woman was having an early 5:00 dinner. i identifed with her more than i did with the shiny happy gay boys walking up and down broadway. i wondered if i should have been looking at apartments in the assisted living center.
when kara was gone over the weekend i was up late watching tv. thought it would be a good idea to make a bag of popcorn. i looked at the back of the bag and vaguely noticed that it said four minutes. i had made bags of popcorn many times before in this microwave and there is even a popcorn button that cooks bags of popcorn perfectly.
still, i set the microwave for four minutes. my mind somewhere else. i went back to the television. after about three minutes i noticed a terrible smell coming from the microwave. stupidly, i ran to the microwave and opened the door. brown, greasy popcorn smoke poured out of the microwave filling the entire apartment.
i have tried all the online remedies for this. and although the smell has dissipated a little, this event really fucked me up this week. i can't get away from this mistake i made. it's everywhere. everything smells like burnt popcorn, even if it really doesn't.
i have to buy a new microwave. it wasn't mine, it's karas. i have to wait for the refund for my loan for school to do that. i worry that my landlord will sue me for smoke damage, but i don't think it's that bad. still i'm terrified. i'm always thinking about my burnt popcorn.
joey said that maybe it was a wake up call for something. maybe that i should get out of the house. which is interesting. i think it's more that my mind is somewhere else. im a ninety year old woman trying to make a bag of popcorn and setting the house on fire.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Rob.Andy.Fantasy.Baby
This Sunday, I allowed Rob and Andy, two dear friends of mine, up to my penthouse on the top of my beautifully phallic building in downtown Chicago. Because of my very serious, yet wonderfully trendy condition, agoraphobia, I hadn't let anyone into my inner sanctum in months.
I took two Xanax and answered the door. To my surprise, Rob and Andy greeted me with a bottle of champagne, fresh squeezed orange juice and a fresh pack of Camel Lights. Mimosas and cigarettes on a Sunday morning, perfect! Those two always think of everything.
As we settled into my big expensive overstuffed leather couches they said that they wanted to know, needed to know more about me. They asked if I wouldn't mind if they asked questions to try and, I don't know, I guess probe my mind.
"Jesus! Isn't "The Jeremy Show" enough? How much more can I give to you people?" I wanted to tell them to get out. I'm not some sort of lab rat, some sort of genius lab rat that you can try and coax through little mazes so you can learn more about yourselves. All I get from it is a little piece of cheese at the end (or a mimosa), while you benefit from the insight from someone who has seen it all, done it all, been through the mill and emerged from the other side tattered and ripped.
I don't usually allow such nonsense, but since they had been so kind by bringing me gifts and because I was so high on anti anxiety medications, I relented, "Fire Away."
Rob started the questioning. I could tell by the look in his eyes that no answer I could give him would ever be enough. He didn't just want to know what I thought about whatever question it was that he dreamed up. No, he wanted to hold my energy, my spirit so close to him that it would eventually smother me, like a deranged mother with a baby. I would not allow him to possess me.
"What do you hope to do this summer?" he asked.
"I want to drink beer and make out with someone in a pool -at the same time, in the pool. I'll wear a t-shirt so I won't feel too self conscious. Sheryl Crow will play on a radio somewhere. It will be very 'The Real World: Miami.' Just to feel the sun on my body and a little buzz from a Heineken or something."
"What is one thing about homosexuality that you just DON'T understand?" he continued.
"I can't think of anything I don't understand. I think I'm pretty good at understanding why people do the things they do. I guess, I don't like bitchy, judgmental gay men. I don't think I am this way. Please let me know if I am. I just don't like people who aren't nice. People should be nice, at least at first."
"If someone gave you $10,000, what would you do with it?"
"Assuming that school and rent were paid for- I would buy a new computer, an iPod, a video camera and take my whole family (including sister, brother-in-law and 3 nephews) to Disneyworld. That should do it."
Then Rob asked me to list five things that I think are just great. Like Oprah's "O List." Except it would be the "J" list.
"Queen Helene Mint Julep Masque, it's a real thick green cooling mask that makes your face tingle a little bit.I don't know if it really does anything but it feels good. You can pretend you are an aging movie star, terrified of wrinkles, clinging to your youth." $3.29, Walgreens
"Febreeze! I am starting to use it again and it reminds me of my old apartment because I used it a lot there. You should use it now and then stop and then start again and it will remind you of now (unless you don't want to be reminded of now)." $2.49 Walgreens
"RC Cola, you can get a three liter for the less then the price of a two liter and I can't tell the difference. I just need some sort of Cola beverage to have on hand at all times. So, when I'm low on money I'll buy the three liter of RC rather than regular Coke." $1.59 Sahars Liquor
"Love.Angel.Music.Baby by Gwen Stefani. It's just the CD I've been waiting for. Pop Music. Good old tingly pop music. Like a record that someone forgot to release in the eighties 'Hollaback Girl' rocks my world." $10.99 Amazon.com
"Live from New York: An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live' is what I'm reading right now. I can't put it down." by James A. Miller and Tom Shales $10.85, Amazon.com
Then Rob asked, "Which foods do you like and hate the most and why?"
"I can't stand mushrooms of any kind. That borders on a phobia. Like I will freak out if there is something I'm eating and I discover that there are mushrooms in it. I love cheese. I really do."
After Rob finished with his questions, Andy, now drunk from the five mimosas he had while Rob interrogated me, started the questioning.
"Since I was very small, I have had moments when, in my mind, I am like Lynda Carter in Wonder Woman: as graceful, beautiful, and poised. What female celebrity do you (most often) feel like?"
"To this day, if I am walking up or down stairs, the orchestral beginning of 'Papa Don't Preach' plays in my head. I am Madonna from that video. I have short bleached hair with a striped shirt and I'm trying to decide if I'm keeping my baby. There is a scene in the video when she is walking up a big staircase, I think that's why it happens when I am walking up or down stairs."
"Which do you crave more, sugar or salt?" Andy asked, pouring himself yet another mimosa.
"Salt. Salt. Salt. Chips, Cheese, Cheetos. Although, recently, I have really been into Slurpees from 7/11. There is nothing better than a bag of Cheetos and a Slurpee and a cigarette. Heaven."
"If you could arrange a dinner for four -- you and any three other people (living or dead) -- whom would you invite?"
"Okay, I think I would invite people that would get me and people that I would feel comfortable around, people that wouldn't get all weird if I had a panic attack or needed to smoke throughout dinner. So, Rosie O'Donnell, Carrie Fisher and Robert Downey Jr. who I would seduce when Rosie and Carrie went home."
"Where were you when the Challenger exploded and what (if anything) do you remember about it?"
"I was in my fourth grade class at Laneview Elementary in San Jose, CA. The principal came into the classroom and announced it and then we were all taken into the library to watch it blow up again and again. At the time, I didn't think I knew what to make of it, the importance of it, etc. But I started to get obsessed with it a little and ended up doing my Women's History Month project on Christa McAuliffe which one first place. Or third place, anyway it one an award."
By this time, Andy was wasted. He was drinking champagne straight from the bottle. I could barely understand his last question, "Who is your movie boyfriend and why?"
"It's always Robert Downey Jr. but I don't know from which movie. Probably 'Less than Zero.' I wanted to be the one to hold him while he suffered from withdrawal of crack or whatever it was that he was addicted to. So tragic, so beautiful."
At this point we were all pretty much passed out. Rob and Andy were asleep on the couch, I was on the floor, my face in small puddle of drool. "Real nice", I thought as I drifted to sleep, "Come to my beautiful apartment, interview me and then fall asleep." All in all it was a good way to spend a sunday morning/afternoon. I think we all learned a lot- about me -which is really the important thing when you get down to it, isn't it?
I took two Xanax and answered the door. To my surprise, Rob and Andy greeted me with a bottle of champagne, fresh squeezed orange juice and a fresh pack of Camel Lights. Mimosas and cigarettes on a Sunday morning, perfect! Those two always think of everything.
As we settled into my big expensive overstuffed leather couches they said that they wanted to know, needed to know more about me. They asked if I wouldn't mind if they asked questions to try and, I don't know, I guess probe my mind.
"Jesus! Isn't "The Jeremy Show" enough? How much more can I give to you people?" I wanted to tell them to get out. I'm not some sort of lab rat, some sort of genius lab rat that you can try and coax through little mazes so you can learn more about yourselves. All I get from it is a little piece of cheese at the end (or a mimosa), while you benefit from the insight from someone who has seen it all, done it all, been through the mill and emerged from the other side tattered and ripped.
I don't usually allow such nonsense, but since they had been so kind by bringing me gifts and because I was so high on anti anxiety medications, I relented, "Fire Away."
Rob started the questioning. I could tell by the look in his eyes that no answer I could give him would ever be enough. He didn't just want to know what I thought about whatever question it was that he dreamed up. No, he wanted to hold my energy, my spirit so close to him that it would eventually smother me, like a deranged mother with a baby. I would not allow him to possess me.
"What do you hope to do this summer?" he asked.
"I want to drink beer and make out with someone in a pool -at the same time, in the pool. I'll wear a t-shirt so I won't feel too self conscious. Sheryl Crow will play on a radio somewhere. It will be very 'The Real World: Miami.' Just to feel the sun on my body and a little buzz from a Heineken or something."
"What is one thing about homosexuality that you just DON'T understand?" he continued.
"I can't think of anything I don't understand. I think I'm pretty good at understanding why people do the things they do. I guess, I don't like bitchy, judgmental gay men. I don't think I am this way. Please let me know if I am. I just don't like people who aren't nice. People should be nice, at least at first."
"If someone gave you $10,000, what would you do with it?"
"Assuming that school and rent were paid for- I would buy a new computer, an iPod, a video camera and take my whole family (including sister, brother-in-law and 3 nephews) to Disneyworld. That should do it."
Then Rob asked me to list five things that I think are just great. Like Oprah's "O List." Except it would be the "J" list.
"Queen Helene Mint Julep Masque, it's a real thick green cooling mask that makes your face tingle a little bit.I don't know if it really does anything but it feels good. You can pretend you are an aging movie star, terrified of wrinkles, clinging to your youth." $3.29, Walgreens
"Febreeze! I am starting to use it again and it reminds me of my old apartment because I used it a lot there. You should use it now and then stop and then start again and it will remind you of now (unless you don't want to be reminded of now)." $2.49 Walgreens
"RC Cola, you can get a three liter for the less then the price of a two liter and I can't tell the difference. I just need some sort of Cola beverage to have on hand at all times. So, when I'm low on money I'll buy the three liter of RC rather than regular Coke." $1.59 Sahars Liquor
"Love.Angel.Music.Baby by Gwen Stefani. It's just the CD I've been waiting for. Pop Music. Good old tingly pop music. Like a record that someone forgot to release in the eighties 'Hollaback Girl' rocks my world." $10.99 Amazon.com
"Live from New York: An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live' is what I'm reading right now. I can't put it down." by James A. Miller and Tom Shales $10.85, Amazon.com
Then Rob asked, "Which foods do you like and hate the most and why?"
"I can't stand mushrooms of any kind. That borders on a phobia. Like I will freak out if there is something I'm eating and I discover that there are mushrooms in it. I love cheese. I really do."
After Rob finished with his questions, Andy, now drunk from the five mimosas he had while Rob interrogated me, started the questioning.
"Since I was very small, I have had moments when, in my mind, I am like Lynda Carter in Wonder Woman: as graceful, beautiful, and poised. What female celebrity do you (most often) feel like?"
"To this day, if I am walking up or down stairs, the orchestral beginning of 'Papa Don't Preach' plays in my head. I am Madonna from that video. I have short bleached hair with a striped shirt and I'm trying to decide if I'm keeping my baby. There is a scene in the video when she is walking up a big staircase, I think that's why it happens when I am walking up or down stairs."
"Which do you crave more, sugar or salt?" Andy asked, pouring himself yet another mimosa.
"Salt. Salt. Salt. Chips, Cheese, Cheetos. Although, recently, I have really been into Slurpees from 7/11. There is nothing better than a bag of Cheetos and a Slurpee and a cigarette. Heaven."
"If you could arrange a dinner for four -- you and any three other people (living or dead) -- whom would you invite?"
"Okay, I think I would invite people that would get me and people that I would feel comfortable around, people that wouldn't get all weird if I had a panic attack or needed to smoke throughout dinner. So, Rosie O'Donnell, Carrie Fisher and Robert Downey Jr. who I would seduce when Rosie and Carrie went home."
"Where were you when the Challenger exploded and what (if anything) do you remember about it?"
"I was in my fourth grade class at Laneview Elementary in San Jose, CA. The principal came into the classroom and announced it and then we were all taken into the library to watch it blow up again and again. At the time, I didn't think I knew what to make of it, the importance of it, etc. But I started to get obsessed with it a little and ended up doing my Women's History Month project on Christa McAuliffe which one first place. Or third place, anyway it one an award."
By this time, Andy was wasted. He was drinking champagne straight from the bottle. I could barely understand his last question, "Who is your movie boyfriend and why?"
"It's always Robert Downey Jr. but I don't know from which movie. Probably 'Less than Zero.' I wanted to be the one to hold him while he suffered from withdrawal of crack or whatever it was that he was addicted to. So tragic, so beautiful."
At this point we were all pretty much passed out. Rob and Andy were asleep on the couch, I was on the floor, my face in small puddle of drool. "Real nice", I thought as I drifted to sleep, "Come to my beautiful apartment, interview me and then fall asleep." All in all it was a good way to spend a sunday morning/afternoon. I think we all learned a lot- about me -which is really the important thing when you get down to it, isn't it?
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
the plan
dear friends,
im quitting my punk band, it just isn't as much fun as it used to be. i'm taking out my half inch glass ear plugs. i'm getting my teardrop tatoo removed. it's time to be more age appropriate.
i really want that job as a paralegal.
my girlfriend and i are no longer experimenting with psychedelic drugs, we are limiting our consciousness raising activites to yoga and perhaps occasional smoking.
this lifestyle is no longer conducive to what i want my future to be. i am no longer bisexual, i identify my self as a straight. i have no problem with the bisexual lifestyle. it was an interesting experience, and i met a lot of cool guys, had a lot of really great spiritual connections. but i would like to settle down and hope to focus on entering into the sacred vows of marriage, amd utimately creating a family.
this should come as no shock to my friends, they've seen it coming.
peace and enlightment,
j
im quitting my punk band, it just isn't as much fun as it used to be. i'm taking out my half inch glass ear plugs. i'm getting my teardrop tatoo removed. it's time to be more age appropriate.
i really want that job as a paralegal.
my girlfriend and i are no longer experimenting with psychedelic drugs, we are limiting our consciousness raising activites to yoga and perhaps occasional smoking.
this lifestyle is no longer conducive to what i want my future to be. i am no longer bisexual, i identify my self as a straight. i have no problem with the bisexual lifestyle. it was an interesting experience, and i met a lot of cool guys, had a lot of really great spiritual connections. but i would like to settle down and hope to focus on entering into the sacred vows of marriage, amd utimately creating a family.
this should come as no shock to my friends, they've seen it coming.
peace and enlightment,
j
Monday, April 25, 2005
secret
It's fun to keep a secret. A special little fun piece of juicy information written on a tiny little piece of tissue paper kept in a dollhouse cupboard.
"Shhhh...don't tell, cause it's a secret."
I could give you hints. I could breath part of the dirty dirty forbidden information into your ear. Then we'd both know. I could give you a clue, tell you if you're hot or cold, but I can't because it's a secret.
Someone told me something so private, so confidential, so naked. I want to tell you so bad. I want to show you the dirty picture, play you the tape. We could build a fort out of blankets and afghans and couch pillows and turn off all the lights and crawl deep into our fort with flashlights and then finally, I could spill the beans to you in the quietest voice.
Even after all the anticipation, the secret would blow your mind, turn your world upside down. You wouldn't know who to call first.
"Shhhh...don't tell, cause it's a secret."
I could give you hints. I could breath part of the dirty dirty forbidden information into your ear. Then we'd both know. I could give you a clue, tell you if you're hot or cold, but I can't because it's a secret.
Someone told me something so private, so confidential, so naked. I want to tell you so bad. I want to show you the dirty picture, play you the tape. We could build a fort out of blankets and afghans and couch pillows and turn off all the lights and crawl deep into our fort with flashlights and then finally, I could spill the beans to you in the quietest voice.
Even after all the anticipation, the secret would blow your mind, turn your world upside down. You wouldn't know who to call first.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
fear
i don't want to take away from the brilliance of Ann's post. but i think this is so fascinating, I have to do it. my new years resolution was to not be so afraid. so here is an incomplete list of things that i am or have been afraid of in my life:
-the wicked witch of the west creeping around my backyard at night, looking in through my bedroom window
-my parents and sister being robots
-telling my mom that i got my name on the board in first grade
-boys
-friend's fathers
-my parents never coming home
-airplane crashes (but i have an airplane crash movie fetish)
-barbara mandrell dying
-public bathrooms (especially at grade school)
-lunchroom at high school (went to my grandma's for lunch)
-patty harms
-the el train im riding in sliding off the track in the subway, becoming unhooked, and getting smashed up like its in a trash compacter
-being arrested
-eating something and finding out it has mushrooms in it
-aids
-lsd
-marijuana
-becoming addicted to heroin or cocaine, etc
-getting bad grades in college
-my parents dying
-not having cigarettes
-lung cancer
-friends being mad at me
-somehow forgetting how to drive while i'm driving
-choking
-losing my wallet (thus, the chain)
-the wicked witch of the west creeping around my backyard at night, looking in through my bedroom window
-my parents and sister being robots
-telling my mom that i got my name on the board in first grade
-boys
-friend's fathers
-my parents never coming home
-airplane crashes (but i have an airplane crash movie fetish)
-barbara mandrell dying
-public bathrooms (especially at grade school)
-lunchroom at high school (went to my grandma's for lunch)
-patty harms
-the el train im riding in sliding off the track in the subway, becoming unhooked, and getting smashed up like its in a trash compacter
-being arrested
-eating something and finding out it has mushrooms in it
-aids
-lsd
-marijuana
-becoming addicted to heroin or cocaine, etc
-getting bad grades in college
-my parents dying
-not having cigarettes
-lung cancer
-friends being mad at me
-somehow forgetting how to drive while i'm driving
-choking
-losing my wallet (thus, the chain)
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
sentences from my journals
I've spent my life swimming with sleeping pills inside a glass of champagne on Marilyn Monroe's nightstand.
We can't go in there because she's in a bad mood.
It wasn't easy establishing myself as Cincinnati's most powerful shoe salesman.
About two and half Madonna singles have gone by since we last spoke.
I'm a little bit Star Jones and a little bit Kurt Cobain.
I never say things like, "That is TOO funny!"
If my medication didn't prevent me from experiencing emotions, I would cry right now.
Today is the fourteenth because yesterday was the thirteenth, I remember because I wrote the date on a bad check yesterday.
As with any of my work, my intentions are not simply to entertain, but to change the world and feed the hungry.
Columbine! The Musical was never a good idea, no matter how much I thought, through the magic of music and satire, it might open people's eyes to the need for gun control in America.
The McDonald's Christmas party sucked.
We can't go in there because she's in a bad mood.
It wasn't easy establishing myself as Cincinnati's most powerful shoe salesman.
About two and half Madonna singles have gone by since we last spoke.
I'm a little bit Star Jones and a little bit Kurt Cobain.
I never say things like, "That is TOO funny!"
If my medication didn't prevent me from experiencing emotions, I would cry right now.
Today is the fourteenth because yesterday was the thirteenth, I remember because I wrote the date on a bad check yesterday.
As with any of my work, my intentions are not simply to entertain, but to change the world and feed the hungry.
Columbine! The Musical was never a good idea, no matter how much I thought, through the magic of music and satire, it might open people's eyes to the need for gun control in America.
The McDonald's Christmas party sucked.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
dejection
here's to the straight single guys with big bellys and dockers who work in offices
who are balding
who are into asian women
who are moderately tech-savvy
who think that they will never get married
whose weekends consist of blockbuster nights
who have large collections of porn on their computers
whose apartments or condos are conservatively decorated in hopes of a lady visitor
i would date you if i was an asian lady
but i'm not
i see you
you exist
you are sexy
although not typically considered so
who are balding
who are into asian women
who are moderately tech-savvy
who think that they will never get married
whose weekends consist of blockbuster nights
who have large collections of porn on their computers
whose apartments or condos are conservatively decorated in hopes of a lady visitor
i would date you if i was an asian lady
but i'm not
i see you
you exist
you are sexy
although not typically considered so
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
spring muthaf*ckin' fever
whew. i am nuts right now with all the coffee i'm drinking and the fresh spring air coming in through my windows. happyhappyhappy about nothing. like i could run around a big open field naked like a cracked-out Laura Ingalls Wilder. try and catch me!!
the seasons changing never fails to bring back intense memories of seasons changing in the past. the last days of my senior year of high school we had a senior picnic during the school day at a park in Crystal Lake. i went with the cool sexy bad kids (how i hooked up with them, i'll never know) into the woods and took mini-thins (ephedrine, illegal now). a little stimulant buzz with the fresh air. trucker's speed.
i'll come down from my coffee high. you won't want to be around me then. at about three o'clock i'll talk about how tired i am and how i'm fighting off the urge to take a five hour nap.
but right now, if you asked me to do silly things like buy candy necklaces and bubble wrap and Huey Lewis records, I'd totally be up for it.
the seasons changing never fails to bring back intense memories of seasons changing in the past. the last days of my senior year of high school we had a senior picnic during the school day at a park in Crystal Lake. i went with the cool sexy bad kids (how i hooked up with them, i'll never know) into the woods and took mini-thins (ephedrine, illegal now). a little stimulant buzz with the fresh air. trucker's speed.
i'll come down from my coffee high. you won't want to be around me then. at about three o'clock i'll talk about how tired i am and how i'm fighting off the urge to take a five hour nap.
but right now, if you asked me to do silly things like buy candy necklaces and bubble wrap and Huey Lewis records, I'd totally be up for it.
Monday, April 04, 2005
it's a beautiful
drink coffee
smoke last cigarette of the pack
pack bag for school
leave house at 6:30 ish
detour to Jewel to see if I can use their Coinstar machine to cash in my pennies for spending cash (cigarettes)
smoke last cigarette of the pack
pack bag for school
leave house at 6:30 ish
detour to Jewel to see if I can use their Coinstar machine to cash in my pennies for spending cash (cigarettes)
Thursday, March 31, 2005
bareback
The story of AIDS is a romantic epic. High drama, despair, movies about it, songs about it. It is a story told to me by my forefathers, like a story of a great battle told to young men by war veterans. It's not something current, it's in the past.
On the Clark bus. Hot older gay man with green bomber jacket and 501 jeans holding free "boi" magazine.
AIDS often occurs to when I see older gay men. Like survivors of the gay holocaust, How did they survive? I would have been dead. I would have had so much promiscuous Technicolor sex all over the place in the seventies and eighties. My fate would have been inescapable.
How did he survive? Was he not out yet- reluctantly sleeping with women that looked like Olivia Newton-John? Married maybe? Or was he strictly a top (a little less risky than being a bottom)?
Is there a whole generation of top men that survived? And is there a whole generation of bottom boys in heaven, beautiful gay angels in heaven with hot butts?
The story told to me now is of happy healthy men canoeing and laughing, rejoicing because of their new found freedom with the latest protease inhibitor. It's not scary. It's something that can be dealt with easily with a little help from our pharmaceutical companies, no worries.
On the Clark bus. Hot older gay man with green bomber jacket and 501 jeans holding free "boi" magazine.
AIDS often occurs to when I see older gay men. Like survivors of the gay holocaust, How did they survive? I would have been dead. I would have had so much promiscuous Technicolor sex all over the place in the seventies and eighties. My fate would have been inescapable.
How did he survive? Was he not out yet- reluctantly sleeping with women that looked like Olivia Newton-John? Married maybe? Or was he strictly a top (a little less risky than being a bottom)?
Is there a whole generation of top men that survived? And is there a whole generation of bottom boys in heaven, beautiful gay angels in heaven with hot butts?
The story told to me now is of happy healthy men canoeing and laughing, rejoicing because of their new found freedom with the latest protease inhibitor. It's not scary. It's something that can be dealt with easily with a little help from our pharmaceutical companies, no worries.
Sunday, March 27, 2005
easter morning conversation with joey
Joey (9:27:48 AM): speaking of crucification, im expecting jesus to pop up at any moment now. sheesh it is 9:25 am, where the hell is he? LOL
Jeremy (9:27:56 AM): hahaha
Jeremy (9:28:24 AM): he stopped off at starbucks maybe? maybe hes picking up some lattes
Jeremy (9:28:26 AM): for us
Joey (9:29:10 AM): possibly, but i see his magnificence as a tea drinker.
Joey (9:29:15 AM): perhaps some earl grey?
Jeremy (9:29:23 AM): mmm, yeah
Jeremy (9:30:34 AM): his flights been delayed, hes on the el and "crews are working on the track ahead"
Joey (9:30:58 AM): bwoop bwoop bwoop
Jeremy (9:31:03 AM): hahahahaha
Jeremy (9:33:17 AM): we're waiting patiently though, like we have been for thousands of years
Joey (9:33:46 AM): right.
Joey (9:33:52 AM): a few more minutes won't hurt.
Jeremy (9:33:56 AM): ha
Joey (9:34:11 AM): But damn, how long does he stick around? he keeps popping up around this time of the year.. LOL
Jeremy (9:35:10 AM): his images on pieces of toast-- keeps teasing us
Joey (9:35:20 AM): oy
Jeremy (11:48:58 AM): HAPPY EASTER!
Joey (11:49:17 AM): u too. did you see jesus?
Jeremy (11:49:37 AM): not yet, but i have my eyes peeled
Joey (11:51:11 AM): RIGHT ON! lol
Jeremy (9:27:56 AM): hahaha
Jeremy (9:28:24 AM): he stopped off at starbucks maybe? maybe hes picking up some lattes
Jeremy (9:28:26 AM): for us
Joey (9:29:10 AM): possibly, but i see his magnificence as a tea drinker.
Joey (9:29:15 AM): perhaps some earl grey?
Jeremy (9:29:23 AM): mmm, yeah
Jeremy (9:30:34 AM): his flights been delayed, hes on the el and "crews are working on the track ahead"
Joey (9:30:58 AM): bwoop bwoop bwoop
Jeremy (9:31:03 AM): hahahahaha
Jeremy (9:33:17 AM): we're waiting patiently though, like we have been for thousands of years
Joey (9:33:46 AM): right.
Joey (9:33:52 AM): a few more minutes won't hurt.
Jeremy (9:33:56 AM): ha
Joey (9:34:11 AM): But damn, how long does he stick around? he keeps popping up around this time of the year.. LOL
Jeremy (9:35:10 AM): his images on pieces of toast-- keeps teasing us
Joey (9:35:20 AM): oy
Jeremy (11:48:58 AM): HAPPY EASTER!
Joey (11:49:17 AM): u too. did you see jesus?
Jeremy (11:49:37 AM): not yet, but i have my eyes peeled
Joey (11:51:11 AM): RIGHT ON! lol
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