a scary mouth

This is the paper I wrote for my Gay and Lesbian studies on Sandra Bernhard.

sedaris

He's a culinary David Sedaris!
He's part David Sedaris part Mike Tyson.
A black female David Sedaris.
Like "Birth of a Nation" directed by David Sedaris.

you must love me

Today I got the results back from a blood test. In a nutshell, I eat bad food. That's a shocker!

Receiving these results depressed me. I was feeling pretty good until I got them. But it wasn't these results- someone could have looked at me funny and I would be in the same emotional state that I am now. I usually feel the same way at this time of day- depressed, melancholic.

And I want to sleeeeeep. Just lay down for six hours. Which I probably will, unless something very unusual happens. I hate this time of day. Hate it. Love the morning. Hate the afternoon. Could take or leave the evening.

Went to see a psychiatrist (one who prescibes medication) yesterday. Those who do not see psychiatrists or psycotherapists seem to have trouble wrapping their chemically balanced brains around which is which. He did the psychiatric evaluation which I have had so many times that I can't count. Basically, it's how are you feeling, how are you sleeping, how is your diet, any psychotic symptoms (hearing or seeing people that are not there), any suicidal thoughts, any family history of mental illness, etc.

I told him that I sleep too much. During the day. This is probably because I usually have little else to do. Although, I have been trying to get out more- going downtown. A little sick of downtown Chicago, frankly.

I am feeling generally depressed and often very anxious. My default state, i think, is depression. But the anxiety and obsessive thoughts have been increasing as of late (not to be confused with OCD which involves a compulsion to rid oneself of those thoughts. I do not have this. I just have the thoughts). The anxiety usually comes from these thoughts. And these thoughts are usually based in reality but expand into a very dramatic doomsday narrative in my head until I am in a panic state.

I don't want to eat unless I eat, then I will eat. Absolutely no appetite in the morning. I could wait until about eight at night to eat until I start to get hungry.

I do not hear or see people that are not there. Not yet.

I don't have suicidal thoughts. But I do contemplate what song will be played at my funeral. This type of thinking (contemplating morbidish thoughts) is common with people who are depressed. By the way, the song is "You Must Love Me" by Madonna. For awhile, I thought she (The character of Madonna or Eva Peron, take your pick) was demanding people to love her. You MUST love me, goddamit! But then I realized that she is making the realization that "You" or her people must love her otherwise they wouldn't be there. "Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to you now?" I like both of my interpretations. See, now I've talked about it too long. Stinkin thinkin. Move on. Move on Jeremy!

So, it was an okay visit. He was nice. But again, psychiatrists aren't really there to analyze or listen to your life story unless it applies to the chemistry of your brain or what medication might be a good fit.
That's what your here for.

my information doesn't come from television

"My information doesn't come from television. I'm informed by art, books, old films, photography." Madonna, Elle, Feb 2006

Well, mine does. F*#k that shit. The more I watch, the more I love television. My grandfather was a tv critic and I think that lit a fire in me. I recently talked Kara's ear off about something Kelly Ripa said on "Live with Regis and Kelly." She was quoting some study that said that people think that (because they watch television) they have more friends than they actually do. That's fascinating. Then Kara said what I was thinking, "Isaac." Yes! Isaac Mizrahi is my friend. In my head, I wonder what he thinks of an outfit I'm wearing or a movie that I'm watching. Television has always been a great source for friends.

Of course it's a vast wasteland, but the world is a vast wasteland. You have to dig through the shit to find the good stuff. Like Joan Rivers on QVC. That's why I record it. A crazy old woman hawcking jewelry in your room at three in the morning. Beautiful.

I think I love live tv the most. Live with Regis and Kelly, Martha, QVC, American Idol. I'm beginning to love Ryan Seacrest. Used to hate him. Now I love him. Smiley, adorable, workaholic, gay dork. He's the boy who didn't hit his peak in high school. Realizing his potential, he got some blonde highlights in the new millenium and hasn't looked back. What a trooper. (I will say, ad nauseaum, that during the first auditions for American Idol in Chicago I was working in the box office of the theater in which they were taking place. He asked to come into the box office and use the phone. Not knowing who he was, I was probably short with him because I didn't like letting people into my little box anytime because inevitably, they would never leave. But now that my feelings have changed, having fallen in love with him and American Idol- I will say that Ryan Seacrest can come inside my box anytime he wants.)

So, I love him and I love Kelly Ripa too. I'm done with Regis and frankly I think Regis is done with it all too. Burned out and bruised with his "Millionaire" rise and fall. This week, Regis is mysteriously "On Vacation" and I'm fine with that. Pat Sajak and Anderson Cooper guest hosted for Regis and frankly, things went smoother without Regis. Kelly is another trooper. Funny and adorable. Another friend of mine. Anderson Cooper is another one that you just want to put in your pocket. Don't get me started. Don't EVEN get me started.

I watched "Grizzly Man." It was ok. Crazy man in Alaska thinks he's friends with the bears, thinks he is a bear. Gets killed by the bears. Best to watch tv, Anderson Cooper won't be mauling me anytime soon.

Take a look at this sexy clip of the two most metrosexual men in Hollywood virtually making out. A classic.

home and dry

for the love of crap! i had a tooth pulled yesterday! my first emotion after waking up today was that it would interfere with my champion kissing skills and or gross out my partner. then i rememembered that i don't have a partner.

(i just threw up)

the saga with my tooth started over last summer. my sister refered me to a dentist in the suburbs, two trains away. i had a very painless root canal and learned the joys of nitrous oxide. then in the last couple months, the filling in my root canal came out and i had to have it refilled.

it started hurting again about a week ago and i ignored it until yesterday when i woke up and my left cheek was swollen. so, i emailed my teacher to tell her i would be missing class and headed out to my dentist. with the two trains, it takes about two hours to get there. i enjoyed union station as always, so many people a-coming and a-going. interesting men and women. two levels of delicious fast fooderies and magazineries.

when i got to the dentist we discussed the various options- basically i pay for a specialist for some procedures involving microscopes and lots of digging around to eventually tell me that i need to pull it or i could just go ahead and pull it. my dentist was very sensitive to my possible concerns about pulling the tooth. i really had no concerns actually, just wanting the pain to stop and the swelling to go down. mainly, i was worried about missing class and wanted her to write a "doctor's note."

so i got all gassed up. i was flying on the laughing gas. F-L-Y-I-N-G. i was reaaallly enjoying getting my tooth pulled. i was fixated on eminem for some reason. finding the thought of him extremely funny and wanting to stop for a second and share my amusement with the dentist and dental hygenist, but thought better of it. then eminem started freaking me out a little so i changed to thinking about Billy Joe from Green Day and the song "Give Me Novocaine" from the "American Idiot" album. every song on that album is fantastic, by the way.

as they wrestled with my tooth, they asked me if i wanted to listen to my iPod and i thought that was a great idea. not having a lot of time to choose a song, i just played whatever came up and it was "home and dry" by the pet shop boys.

All the way
Through night and day
You fly on home tonight
Come to me
You know I'll be here
When you call tonight

again, i was flying. kind of depressed when i realized that they had got the tooth out. they reduced the nitrous. i started feeling a little pinching but i was cool. then more pinching and some pressure, but i was fine. they gave me some advil and a prescription for some vicodin. more pain as i waited for them to write my doctors note. numb with gauze in my mouth, bloody drool, more pain, more pain. i left the office and went to a local drugstore to get the prescription filled.

painpainpainpainPAINPAINPAIN as i waited for them to fill the prescription. i called my mom and sort of half mumbled and half cried that i was in a lot of pain. they were taking forever to fill the prescription. they had to call the doctor for some reason. PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!

they finally filled the prescription and i took a vicoprofin and impatiently waited for it to work. it was freezing out and i was spitting blood all over the train platform, which seemed to freeze up right away. i locked myself in the train bathroom and called my doctor to tell her i was in a lot of fucking pain and to ask her if i could take another vicoprofin. she said i could. i waited on the floor of the train bathroom, stupidly forgetting to lock the door. a lady opened the door and saw me sitting there on the floor so i got up and went to sit on the train seat. so much pain. (duh! you just had your tooth pulled)

i took a cab after i got to union station. the cabdriver asking me which way i thought we should go. "i. dont. care." i told him that i had my tooth pulled. he told me that it would probably really hurt tomorrow. thanks. of course, my debit card didn't work when we arrived so i had to run to a cash station to get money. the cabdriver offered to give me a "free ride, free ride" to pick up some hydrogen peroxide, which he had i guessed decided was the best course of post operative treatment for me. i told him that was very nice but that wasn't necessary.

i came home and called my mom and my doctor (such a baby!) again to tell them that i was still in a lot, a lot, a lot of pain. the nurse told me what i could take and how often and blah blah blah and as she talked i lost interest in what she was saying because i started feeling pretty good.

i talked with kara for a bit. watched some joan rivers on qvc. listened to madonna. eventually fell asleep.

The Jeremy Show Box Set 02-06

On the occasion of my 4th year of blogging I thought I would celebrate by reposting some of my favorite audio and video "pieces" from The Jeremy Show.


Pepso-Fine's Tonic for Women: presents "The Story of an Hour" by Kate Chopin
My favorite. An adaptation of Kate Chopin's short short story.

Nobody Knows Carrie Fisher
A mashup of Carrie Fisher's appearance on Fresh Air and Madonna's Nobody Knows Me. I was so moved by Fisher's description of bipolar disorder so I had to do some sort of muscial tribute involving Madonna.

Famous
My third in an unending saga of self indulgent films.


I plan to continue enchanting you and moving you to tears. I want you to hit rock bottom on The Jeremy Show. I want it to be like the best sneeze you ever had.

thanks, but no thanks

no thank you. i don't want to be your sub bottom boy tonight. first of all, have you looked at me? you don't we me unclothed. you don't want to see my naked profile.

the days of me kneeling on the floor while you call me dirty things are over. it was fun while it lasted. its best we leave that alone now.

perhaps we should just watch a movie and make fun of it while i smoke. we could even talk about how and when i'm going to quit smoking, if that's what you feel like doing.

with this mood stabilizing medication and my host of neuroses its best that we keep the "kink" to a minimum. the days of slings and poppers and dirty talk are on hold for the moment.

thanks.

to do list

To Do:

-wash blankets, sheets, etc
-dishes
-clean bathroom floor with a mixture of ammonia and bleach (kidding) just bleach
-clean toilet, my goodness
"stop the press, who's that? Vicky Vale, Vicky Vale, Vicky Vale, ooo yeah, ooo yeah, i wanna bust that body"
(sorry got caught up in batdance playing on my itunes)
hahaha, hillary and i were looking at the karaoke selections at the hidden cove and batdance was one of the selections, can you imagine singing batdance at a karaoke bar-"Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman...Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman"
back to the to do list
-pay credit card
-pay cable bill
-lose weight
-email teacher about tips on pitching tv show to guy next thursday done
-sanitize kitchen
-spray some goddam lysol, for pete's sake
-straighten up books
-dust
-vacuum
-clean up couch

"you got to want to give to get it. or you could land up in the same suspicious hell" -pet shop boys, "before"

cry a little

You've got a real choice to make mister. You've had early morning therapy that was semi-sucessful. Now you want to go back to bed, hide. You could do that and probably get away with it.

Or, you could get your ass outside in the cold. Bundle up, do it. Do some grocery shopping while you have the money. Maybe stop at a thrift store on the way there. Just get outside.

Then come home and if you're feeling a little better work on some homework. The choice is up to you. I can't tell you what to do.

idol thoughts

I have become a HUGE fan of the most watched show on American Television. American Idol clobbered the Grammys, the Olympics and "Lost" in the ratings. Even though I have been accused by critics [Rob ;)] of needlessly promoting pop culture, I am at it again.

Tonight was a sad night as the adorable David Radford (shown above) was sent home for having the lowest number of votes. Radford comes from Crystal Lake, Il and goes to the the same high school that I did. It was a sad night but I must say he looked more and more uncomfortable as the shows progressed. I sincerely wish him well but I, as a registered American Idol voter, must be impartial and carry on with my duties.

Remember talent shows at school? Always very entertaining and fun. I want to be ENTERTAINED. I am ENTERTAINED by American Idol. This is why American Idol is a hit. It is entertaining. Grammys- yawn. The Olympics- I wish I would have seen the skating but overall, yawn.

My vote for the winner is the rocking, big and BEAUTIFUL Mandisa. In a red negligee top and black boots, she took my breath away with her performance of "Never" by Heart. Which I plead with you to watch. And, if you like, watch American Idol on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursdays. It is really fun to play judge and call in your votes. Or you can just go on with your life and not do that and be stupid and dumb.