the plan

dear friends,
im quitting my punk band, it just isn't as much fun as it used to be. i'm taking out my half inch glass ear plugs. i'm getting my teardrop tatoo removed. it's time to be more age appropriate.
i really want that job as a paralegal.
my girlfriend and i are no longer experimenting with psychedelic drugs, we are limiting our consciousness raising activites to yoga and perhaps occasional smoking.
this lifestyle is no longer conducive to what i want my future to be. i am no longer bisexual, i identify my self as a straight. i have no problem with the bisexual lifestyle. it was an interesting experience, and i met a lot of cool guys, had a lot of really great spiritual connections. but i would like to settle down and hope to focus on entering into the sacred vows of marriage, amd utimately creating a family.
this should come as no shock to my friends, they've seen it coming.
peace and enlightment,
j

secret

It's fun to keep a secret. A special little fun piece of juicy information written on a tiny little piece of tissue paper kept in a dollhouse cupboard.

"Shhhh...don't tell, cause it's a secret."

I could give you hints. I could breath part of the dirty dirty forbidden information into your ear. Then we'd both know. I could give you a clue, tell you if you're hot or cold, but I can't because it's a secret.

Someone told me something so private, so confidential, so naked. I want to tell you so bad. I want to show you the dirty picture, play you the tape. We could build a fort out of blankets and afghans and couch pillows and turn off all the lights and crawl deep into our fort with flashlights and then finally, I could spill the beans to you in the quietest voice.

Even after all the anticipation, the secret would blow your mind, turn your world upside down. You wouldn't know who to call first.

fear

i don't want to take away from the brilliance of Ann's post. but i think this is so fascinating, I have to do it. my new years resolution was to not be so afraid. so here is an incomplete list of things that i am or have been afraid of in my life:

-the wicked witch of the west creeping around my backyard at night, looking in through my bedroom window
-my parents and sister being robots
-telling my mom that i got my name on the board in first grade
-boys
-friend's fathers
-my parents never coming home
-airplane crashes (but i have an airplane crash movie fetish)
-barbara mandrell dying
-public bathrooms (especially at grade school)
-lunchroom at high school (went to my grandma's for lunch)
-patty harms
-the el train im riding in sliding off the track in the subway, becoming unhooked, and getting smashed up like its in a trash compacter
-being arrested
-eating something and finding out it has mushrooms in it
-aids
-lsd
-marijuana
-becoming addicted to heroin or cocaine, etc
-getting bad grades in college
-my parents dying
-not having cigarettes
-lung cancer
-friends being mad at me
-somehow forgetting how to drive while i'm driving
-choking
-losing my wallet (thus, the chain)

sentences from my journals

I've spent my life swimming with sleeping pills inside a glass of champagne on Marilyn Monroe's nightstand.

We can't go in there because she's in a bad mood.

It wasn't easy establishing myself as Cincinnati's most powerful shoe salesman.

About two and half Madonna singles have gone by since we last spoke.

I'm a little bit Star Jones and a little bit Kurt Cobain.

I never say things like, "That is TOO funny!"

If my medication didn't prevent me from experiencing emotions, I would cry right now.

Today is the fourteenth because yesterday was the thirteenth, I remember because I wrote the date on a bad check yesterday.

As with any of my work, my intentions are not simply to entertain, but to change the world and feed the hungry.

Columbine! The Musical was never a good idea, no matter how much I thought, through the magic of music and satire, it might open people's eyes to the need for gun control in America.

The McDonald's Christmas party sucked.

dejection

here's to the straight single guys with big bellys and dockers who work in offices
who are balding
who are into asian women
who are moderately tech-savvy
who think that they will never get married
whose weekends consist of blockbuster nights
who have large collections of porn on their computers
whose apartments or condos are conservatively decorated in hopes of a lady visitor

i would date you if i was an asian lady
but i'm not

i see you
you exist
you are sexy
although not typically considered so

spring muthaf*ckin' fever

whew. i am nuts right now with all the coffee i'm drinking and the fresh spring air coming in through my windows. happyhappyhappy about nothing. like i could run around a big open field naked like a cracked-out Laura Ingalls Wilder. try and catch me!!

the seasons changing never fails to bring back intense memories of seasons changing in the past. the last days of my senior year of high school we had a senior picnic during the school day at a park in Crystal Lake. i went with the cool sexy bad kids (how i hooked up with them, i'll never know) into the woods and took mini-thins (ephedrine, illegal now). a little stimulant buzz with the fresh air. trucker's speed.

i'll come down from my coffee high. you won't want to be around me then. at about three o'clock i'll talk about how tired i am and how i'm fighting off the urge to take a five hour nap.

but right now, if you asked me to do silly things like buy candy necklaces and bubble wrap and Huey Lewis records, I'd totally be up for it.

it's a beautiful

drink coffee
smoke last cigarette of the pack
pack bag for school
leave house at 6:30 ish
detour to Jewel to see if I can use their Coinstar machine to cash in my pennies for spending cash (cigarettes)