i'm gone

i have become absolutely obsessed with Big Brother 7. it's not funny anymore. if you don't want to hear about, get out of here-- i don't need your support.
this type of obsession is so strong that it can only turn to complete disinterest at some point. but for now i'm really enjoying it, its like heroin. i love it.

i have subscribed to a 3 day trial of complete 24/7 live video feed. it is absolutely fascinating. i am so impressed that they are so serious about the show. if they try to take off their microphone, there is a creepy "big brother" voice that says "james, please put your microphone back on."

my favorite right now is mike "boogie" smith.

i am no longer a threat

people!!

please take the candy away from children! it is not good for them and they get all strung out. take it away. please. ban it. can we ban candy please?

also that stephen king. he's scary. somethings wrong with him. ban him please. killer dogs...i don't like it. it scares me and that can't be good. ban him.

and even though i am a homosexual, i think we should tone it down a notch. we've got kids to think of. do we really need this string of seedy sex stores and disgusting bathhouses? do we REALLY need to be parading around, holding hands down major streets. i mean we're pretty much accepted in society so lets clean up our act now. we've won.

i smoke only at home now and only in designated areas.
i've learned that i can abide by this ordinance and still function.
i've adapted.
i am no longer a threat to your health.
we are on our way to a better society and i am
delighted
to be a part of it.
everything is so much brighter now.


"One world
One reason
Unchanging
One season

If you've done nothing wrong
You've got nothing to fear
If you've something to hide
You shouldn't even be here
You've had your chance
Now we've got the mandate
If you've changed your mind
I'm afraid it's too late
We're concerned
You're a threat
You're not integral
To the project

Sterile
Immaculate
Rational
Perfect"

Integral, Pet Shop Boys

romances that never were and never will be

sleeping in his sisters bed. thinking about him and not understanding the emotions i was having but knowing that something was really turning me on.
waiting for him to come back so we could do more of what we had done before.
orchestrating some sort of event just to be close to him.
laying in bed crying with pink christmas lights all over my room. my twentysomething world was shaken to its core.
thinking that i lost him. so happy i didnt.

I'll just die if I don't get that recipe

I am trying to be more forthcoming with my opinions (whether they are temporary or permanent). To have a voice about how I feel is much more worthwhile than shrouding things in a Stepford haze created with the sole purpose of not hurting others.

I don't like that outfit.
I like you.
You turn me on and I shouldnt be turned on by you but I am.
Shut Up!!
What you are talking about is dumb.
I am busy.
Etc.

If I continue to pretend I am ok with things or not express when I am angry happy or sad-- the world will miss out on the wonder that is me.

Just for today, let's just quit pretending and see what happens.

remind me never to do THAT again

as rob suggested I put my iPod on shuffle and I will comment on whatever the first 5 songs come out of the 2,500+ i have packed on to the damn thing.


1. Courtney Love Sandra Bernhard
I'm Still Here Dammit!

Sandra Bernhard talking about real or fantasy encounters with Courtney Love. Reminds me of working at Borders in Crystal Lake. Taking my breaks at "The Colonial." Crushing on the straight smart boys. All boys who work in bookstores are terribly neurotic or gay. Or both. Maybe they just get neurotic when there around me! Ha.



2. Sorry Madonna
Confessions on a Dancefloor

This one shouldn't count. This was my favorite song from the album when it came out. "There's more important things than hearing you speak.




3. If I Could Turn Back Time Cher
Live: The Farewell Tour

My goodness! I didn't realize what a dirty little faggot I was. I have such diverse taste in music --- hahahahaha. Listen. I just want to be entertained. I want shiny, pink, glittery sassy music. Not hard to please, very easy to bore. Now I'm talking in beer commercials.


4. When I Think of You Janet Jackson
Control
Chunky Janet! Just they way I like her. Now she's naked all over the place. whatever.



5. Eleanor Put Your Boots On Franz Ferdinand
You Could Have It So Much Better
Rob is penetrating my iPod.

yawn

i know your window and i know it's late.

i am a nice person. i am not bad. i am a retarted boy that people feel sorry for. am i saying that to be dramatic and manipulative? i feel lonely. everything is a mess.

pardon me. "tylenol chest congestion" fucking with my brain. everything takes so much work-- the coffee filters, the paper towels, the dishes, the laundry, the vacuuming. i am exhausted. upper respiratory hell-- do i have SARS? how would you know, you're not even listening because you're sleeping. you have a job, you're bringing home the bacon.

never had a chance to see him, no! never heard nothing but bad things about him.

spending too much time trying to go back in time. looking up people from high school-- they are teachers in illinois and hawaii, futures brokers (what in the hell does that mean), realtors, babies, marriages, more babies. the lonely homosexual sits at 1:24 in the morning and writes it all down.

just the moon and me and you

yes i like to watch a lot of tv. yes i like to smoke and eat bad foods and drink diet cokes and sleep a lot and live a life of shit. of shit. of shit shit shit. things people say haunting me. in a real i-should-see-a-therapist mood. i assure you i am fine. just venting, trying to remove the barnacles off my hull. a nautical reference!

administrations, bills and loans, come with me...

i am sorry if you don't understand. i can't explain the whole thing to you. it's too complicated. let's just go to taco bell. that's what it comes down to, doesn't it? let's just hit the taco bell and call it a night. crawl into my bed, my fort made out of blankets with cigarette burns and saliva stains. blecch! gross. i assure you i'm fine. you'd know if it was a cry for help because i'd be calling you. sleep it off. just sleep it off. doing head rolls, cracking my neck, hoping to crack my neck.

talk of circadian rhythms

ok. good. that's it. oh maybe a little bit more. ok now.

I'm hurt.
When they invented so many different ways to kill people.
Things change.
They want to feel safe.
I think you know.
In a different place.
Nope, but you can't undo anything ever really.
It makes some people safer and it kills the other people.
No, but some things are not logical.
I do that too.
Everyone thinks they got the last laugh.
Life isn't ruled by logic.
A word to describe feeling.
Wonderful.
Seeing the flames.
You don't like musicals.
You are speaking Japanese.
No. But sex isn't always really good.
When you aren't outside.
Hot, sweaty, sexy, fun.
Hot, sweaty, sexy, fun.
I don't think you ever know, but I'm not one to ask.
Weight lifted off shoulders.
Because it's cold.
You can't, they have to. Alcohol helps.
No, work on yourself and enjoy others for what they are.
I do that too. Nostalgia, I think.
The head, I think.
Both.
Yes.
Yes.
Try not to hurt others.
Your head.
Your head.
Forever.
No.
No.

But the summer is not over

Lots to tell you.


Big Brother


"Dr. Will"-- Just found out he is a real doctor! Can you imagine!

I like Big Brother a lot. Hot hot hot hot constantly shirtless dumb guys. Ok maybe they aren't that hot but they are shirtless and thats the only thing that matters. I have never paid attention to this reality show before but it's good old fashioned summer fun, like The Real World was when it first started. Same idea, bunch of people living in a house together, cameras everywhere. Now you can watch full episodes for free on cbs.com.

I am very curious about what they don't show on tv. You can buy a season pass to have webcam access to them whenever you want and I promised myself I will not do that. I will not do.............that......

Kelly Ripa



So funny. Funny lady.

"Tornados in Westchester? What's next, a shark in the bathtub?" Was hilarious at the time.

Thinking about the guy last summer

So there was a guy that I hung out with last summer. I enjoyed hanging out with him. Kissing, etc. We lost touch, he said I had "hidden issues" on his blog. I don't know exactly what hidden issues he discovered because I tend to put everything on the table to begin with. And frankly, I'm glad I don't know what issues he saw because I don't think I can handle anymore than I already know about. But anyway...

He worked late and he would come over at about 12:30 AM to my then new studiopad and we would watch "The Comeback" with Lisa Kudrow or some ridiculous movie of his (after I sat through 'Not Another Teen Movie' I put a stop to his movie picking). Anyway, so yeah it was the middle of the night and there was this cute Italian guy coming over to my house and I enjoyed it. He was smart, happy, upbeat, quirky-- (sometimes talked like Krusty the Clown which was a "hidden issue" I overlooked, thank you very much). But that stopped around Halloween for one reason or another. It was nice to be with someone during the summer.

artwork on tv shows #3

The Golden Girls:
(stage left, in between kitchen and hallway)
"Water Lilies"
Claude Monet
(1914-1917)
Oil On Canvas

100 spinning chickens

Hey, I made a video for my documentary class about my friend Rob Christopher and his book "100 Spinning Plates." It is now playing at his website (thanks Joey).

emmy nominations that please me

Outstanding Reality Program



Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List, Bravo, Picture
This Television, Inappropriate Laughter, Inc., Bravo
Producers TBA

Outstanding Directing For A Comedy Series




The Comeback, Valerie Does Another Classic Leno,
HBO, Working Class and Is Or Isn’t Entertainment in
association with HBO Entertainment
Michael Patrick King, Director




Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series

The Comeback, HBO, Working Class and Is Or Isnt
Entertainment in association with HBO Entertainment
Lisa Kudrow as Valerie Cherish



Outstanding Lead Actress In A Miniseries Or A Movie




A Little Thing Called Murder, Lifetime, Grand
Productions and Stonemade Entertainment in association
with Fox Television Studios for Lifetime Television
Judy Davis as Sante Kimes

dream on a july morning

i am at my old high school walking around. somehow end up in my science teacher's class. he doesnt remember me.
he tries to explain something to me using a sports metaphor. i tell him i will not understand what he is talking about if he uses that analogy. he then decides to use a "lord of the rings" analogy. again, i explain that i have no idea what he's talking about.
during all this he is writing some information on a car window. he asks me what my last name is and he writes my last name on the car window. he asks me where i live so he can determine how to spell it. i tell him i live in illinois, he asks "prairie?" meaning i guess that there is a "prairie style spelling" to my last name. he spells it wrong.
i speak to some of my old classmates who are attending a work program class. they are practicing waiting on tables. i tell one girl that i have never been a waiter before and that i have always been afraid of it. she tells me she felt the same way.

in the evidence of it's brilliance

i am really enjoying the whole space shuttle thing and watching a lot of nasa tv. there is a video of the interior of the space shuttle during liftoff! so crazy. i can't imagine what it must feel like to sit inside that thing. i have come to terms with the fact that i will probably not do that. i can barely stay focused long enough to turn in a psychology paper.

i don't think i would be as nervous on the space shuttle as i am on airplanes. what i don't like about airplanes is the fact that everybody pretends its normal to be sitting inside that thing and reading magazines and watching movies while you are flying superfast. if everyone treated it like a daredevil experience i would be a lot more comfortable.

artwork on tv shows 2

Roseanne:
(to the right of door)
"The Scratching Beagle" and "Hey! One Leg On The Floor"
Arthur Sarnoff
c. 1950s

artwork on tv shows

I am collecting artwork seen on tv shows. Here is what I have so far:




The Cosby Show:
(living room, stage right wall, above mantel)
Funeral Procession
Ellis Wilson
c. 1950s
oil on composite board
30.5" x 29.25"




Three's Company:
(living room, stage right, by window)
"The Flapper," Life Magazine Cover
Frank X. Leyendecker
February 2, 1922
Framed Poster of Magazine Cover




Friends:
(origially girls apt, living room, stage left, above television)
"Aux Buttes Chaumont," Advertising
Jules Cheret
1890
Framed Poster of Advertisement





I Love Lucy:
(hallway)
The Star (Etoile)
Edgar Degas
1876 - 77
pastel on monotype
60 x 44 cm

Bewitched:
(foyer, stage right)
A Girl With A Broom

Rembrandt Workshop (Possibly Carel Fabritius)
1646-1651
oil on canvas
107.3 x 91.4 cm

do you think it's clean?

i can't think anymore about star jones and rosie o'donnell or my head will explode. today i watched a lot of tv. intervention-- some chick taking heroin and crack, goes to rehab and then starts doing drugs again. that's what i hate about that show. roseanne 8 hour marathon. will and grace friends david letterman. the list goes on.

wbbm newsradio 78 on very low in the background. bought huge bag of skittles and some diet coke. have to write a paper on someone i know very well, using three different personality theories to describe them. going to do it on myself. seems dangerous to do it on anyone else-- who am i to dissect someones personality (on paper)?

the problem today is that i didnt drink any coffee. ha, as if that's the only problem.

and yes, since you asked, i think i would like to go in an isolation tank. i am curious but would never do it. too claustrophobic and crazy.

taking vitamins but still don't look like the guy on the box. false advertising.

way to many skittles (and cigarettes). stomach hurts.