Tuesday, July 09, 2013

not even that hot

I would like a whole wall of window air conditioners. I want 28 of them. I want to cause the lights to flicker all across America because of all the power that I am using to cool myself off. I want to have to curl up in a blanket because "it's gettin a little chilly." I want to crave soup and a grilled cheese I am so synthetically cold. I want to look at the people sweating outside and laugh maniacally while I am wearing a snowsuit. I want it to actually start snowing in my apartment because of how cold the air is. I want the pipes to freeze. I want to get frostbite. I want to have to be taken to the air conditioned hospital in an air conditioned ambulance because I have a serious case of frostbite caused by too much air conditioning. I want to be like that overly tanned woman and her daughter she took to the tanning beds. But with air conditioning. I want to have a child and have it be thirty below in my apartment and have him/her in a snowsuit and make snowmen in our apartment. People will youtube me. I want to go viral with my air conditioning. I don't just want it for myself, I want to take it from other people. I want all of Chicago to be hot and I am the only one who is cool as a cucumber. In my snowsuit smoking a cigarette. Like Cruella Deville but instead of puppies I steal air conditioning. If I have to go outside I wear a NASA chemically cooled space suit and it takes me 3 hours to walk a block. I want to go to the grocery store like this to buy just one 2 liter of Diet Cherry Pepsi. It will take me the whole day to walk there and I will cause such a commotion I will be on the news (after the sports and weather) as a human interest story.

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