I crave a life of intensity. Just today I was begging a friend on the east coast to quit his job and go with me to Las Vegas. I told him I wanted to live my last days in complete depravity. Drinking brown liquor by a dirty motel pool. Our untoned moderatley hairy chests and fast food bellies burning unevenly in the hot Nevada sun. Surrounded by meth addicts and organized crime middle managers.I want lots of screaming and slapping, unidentifiable gunshots in the night. Police sirens and men wearing dirty white t-shirts and basketball shorts falling down drunk.
My friend told me to be careful what I wish for.
I told him I wanted to feel the burn. Third degree Las Vegas sunburns! Dry skin, dehydrated cotton fuzzy hangover headaches. Falling asleep in filthy bathtubs at four in the morning. Drugs! Hard drugs- drugs you've never even heard of. I want to be a guinea pig for the next generation of deadbeats.
My friend said he was leaving Subway and had to get back to work.
I want my life to be instagrammed in late sixties/early seventies patina. I want to cry like a Kennedy wife. Excess and tragedy, pills and liquor. Fashion and misery on the rocks. Natalie Wood clawing her way back onto the boat with thick red lacquered nails. I want mental illness before mental illness. I want a spooky neurosis. I want people to wonder what the hell I'm doing at six in the morning, slamming cupboards and breaking dishes. Laying on the kitchen floor sobbing with a paper shredder and a cigarette. Shredding pictures of so called old lovers and friends I haven't seen since high school.
A clearing of the throat.
The back of an envelope.
A smooth pen.
Something to remember.
Something to pick up at the store.
Something for tomorrow. Or the weekend.