Catastrophe Canyon

Written in September 2002


Today, in the midst of another bout of depression, I was thinking about the Disney MGM Studios Backlot Tour. At the end of the tour the bus takes you into "Catastrophe Canyon," which is an 18 wheel fuel truck sitting on what looks like a very small canyon. The tour guide tells you that this is a set from a new movie they are filming at Disney MGM Studios. Suddenly, a tidal wave of water shoots down the fiberglass rocks of the canyon. The Fuel truck starts shooting flames and a controlled explosion occurs as the bus falls slowly toward the tour bus. The tour guide tells the driver, "Let's get out of here while we can!"

The "Catastrophe Canyon" set was not part of a movie. They have never filmed a movie at the Disney MGM Studios. I knew this all along. Today, it really hit me. Hard.

I love fake things, fake fruit, fake hair (wigs). I even like and even prefer fake cities, like the fake New York at the New York, New York hotel in Las Vegas. I decided today that I can not handle a fake movie set from a fake movie at a fake movie studio. I will tolerate it no longer.

I hope I didn't ruin it for you. I don't know if you ever plan on going to Disneyworld. The next time I go, there will be no tour of the "Disney MGM Studios" for me. No sir. I have seen "The New Leave It To Beaver" house one too many times.

Sad

Snippets of recent dreams:

(i always remember them when im doing repetitive tasks, like filing)

Trying to drink a coke but kept finding office products in it-- binder clips and staplers--- i was so thirsty but so repulsed

Dyed my hair silver-- sounds cool but it was poorly done

My hair was falling out so I got hair plugs and they were like big locks of hair held together with rubberbands that were spaced like an inch apart

"To dream that you are losing your hair, denotes that you are concerned with the notion that you are getting older and losing your sex appeal/virility. You are preoccupied with aging and your appearance. Losing you hair also signify a lack of strength and that you do not possess the power to succeed in an undertaking. You may be feeling weak and vulnerable."

"To dream that your hair is white or turns white, indicates that something important has just been made aware to you. It is a symbol of wisdom and insight. The dream may also be a metaphor suggesting that you are feeling 'light-headed'."
Dream Moods

Dream

Dreamt I was at work and Gretchen Helfrich (host of NPRS's Odyssey) called. She didn't understand who I was and I explained that I was a temp and I was covering for a girl who was out sick. She didn't like this. She asked where I came from, where I worked before and where I went to college. I told her that I didn't graduate from college and that I worked for McDonald's for ten years. She found this fascinating and continued interviewing me. I told her that I was performing at my old high school with my friend Kara in an improv show and tried to plug it. She wasn't having that.

Then I was at my old high school and Kara was on stage. I was trying to explain to this little girl that I was supposed to be on stage. Since my act depended on lip synching, I didn't want to be on stage until I knew that the right piece of music would start at the right time. So, I told her to go in the sound booth and when I said "Whitney Houston" on stage that the music should start. She listened very well and said ok. Then I woke up.

Dream

Dreamt I was at work and Gretchen Helfrich (host of NPRS's Odyssey) called. She didn't understand who I was and I explained that I was a temp and I was covering for a girl who was out sick. She didn't like this. She asked where I came from, where I worked before and where I went to college. I told her that I didn't graduate from college and that I worked for McDonald's for ten years. She found this fascinating and continued interviewing me. I told her that I was performing at my old high school with my friend Kara in an improv show and tried to plug it. She wasn't having that.

Then I was at my old high school and Kara was on stage. I was trying to explain to this little girl that I was supposed to be on stage. Since my act depended on lip synching, I didn't want to be on stage until I knew that the right piece of music would start at the right time. So, I told her to go in the sound booth and when I said "Whitney Houston" on stage that the music should start. She listened very well and said ok. Then I woke up.

books ive read this summer and quotes from them

The Working Life by Joanne B. Ciulla-

"People on there deathbeds rarely wish they had spent more time at the office."
"One of the most tangible ways
to show respect for others and to earn their respect is by telling them the truth."

A Slender Thread by Diane Ackerman
"Frightened of being immobilized by despair, depressives often fling themselves into frantic activity. Hoping to keep gloom at bay, they work until they drop, seem to have inhuman stores of energy, and create art nonstop. They can't afford to stop. If they slow down, the missle of depression might catch up with them."
"Animals are busy living, It is only humans who wander the world like outcasts, feeling lonely much of the time, wondering what they're here for."

as far as i got with my npr short story

"There's only decaf darlin'," she said as I was looking through the cabinets, "That's all they give you in here." It was probably just as well, as I was having trouble with anxiety. I was showing my parents around my new home. The fourth floor of the psych ward in a suburb of Chicago.

This was the third time I was hospitalized with anxiety slash depression. "Major depressive episode" it said on one of the forms in the packet that they gave me, my brochure for my vacation. I had always brought myself in. Unable to break myself from the constant nagging of a demon that will undoubtedly haunt me for the rest of my life, I had someone drive me to the emergency room. I didn't want to hurt anyone, including myself. The anxiety tricked me into thinking that I could, though- that any dark thing was possible. The demons, the dogs, the black clouds. The unraveling thread would break and any dark thing was possible.

She knew it too. We all knew it as we walked around our crazy hotel.