made a cake tonight 2

Tonight I got off my white ass and walked through the icy drizzle to my local Walgreens. I wanted to make Amy Sedaris' Huella's Chocolate Cake. Really getting into cooking and crafting lately. Can't get enough of it.

I'm a loyal customer to my Walgreens as there is no other place to buy foodstuffs and sundries in my neighborhood. There is a colorful cast of characters in this place that must like their jobs, because I don't see a lot of turnover. There is a very nice FTM trans gentleman, he is not the manager but he "can help you with whatever you need." I know because I asked for a manager to find out if it was really true that I could not buy cigarettes with my prescriptions and he told me gently but firmly that it was against their policy. Well there policy must have changed because I've been doing it since I lived here. They must have put a memo up about me. There are three very cranky ladies who I don't get along with. One is the "Beauty Advisor." Now I don't want to get mean, but she must follow the "do as I say, not as I do" philosophy. Maybe she's so burned out giving Walgreens beauty advice that she doesn't have anytime left for herself. All in all they are a very capable crew and I have had no problems. My favorite pharmacy tech is this beautiful woman who I think I really connect with. She is very motherly and smart. We kind of exchange these glances like we both "get it," you know?

Anyway so here are some pics of Amy Sedaris' Huella's Chocolate Cake. A very small cake that I used a too-big bundt pan for because I realized I didn't have another pan. I used Hershey's REAL DARK for the chocolate-- Um... F'ing Delicious!! I grated what I had left over the top.



Smoked a cigarette while mixin', ain't gonna hurt it none.


Could not get the damn thing out. Had to force it. I know all the tricks but it wasn't budging.



So it broke apart a little.


Mmmmm. Frosting made it better.


Throw a sequined poinsettia on it and call it a day.

its all in how you word it

My therapist told me that I live life in fantasies. Good fantasies, bad fantasies. That began as a child, escaping anything real and uncomfortable in my life. Pretending I was a gameshow host or fashioning a mermaid costume out of a sheet and cardboard to escape the horror of bombardment in gym or parents use of yelling as a form of communication.

My current fantasy, is of being a writer. Living in my Hollywood bungalow. Brilliant, funny scripts all over my dark wood desk. Working at home during the day, letting the dog outside. Pouring another cup of coffee, lighting another cigarette. Struggling with writers block. Investigating a lady from next door doing something loud outside. Struggling with mild depression. Standing alone during parties, looking put together but lonely. Taking a cigarette break outside on the balcony overlooking the lights of Los Angeles. Meeting a beautiful, hilarious, rapid cycling manic depressive girl on the balcony who somehow manages to seduce me even though I am gay. Letting her down easy and becoming best friends.

My current life could be someone else's fantasy I guess. Living in one of the greatest cities in the world. Struggling with a non specific depression. A frustrated but loyal boyfriend. Dependent on loving parents. Smart, anxious, sometimes funny, badly dressed. A hypochondriacal manchild who is more often than not, correct about his self diagnoses. Hopelessly lost in paper, student loans, cable bills, presumptuous offers from credit card companies.

Bad fantasies I have gotten caught up in run the gamut from being convinced of immediate death to being jailed for my own or someone elses fantasies. My parents leaving me, anyone leaving me. Quick and swift abandonment. Being jailed for writing a bad check at Walgreens. Leaving the oven on.

I have somehow managed to get back on a semi-spiritual track. I found my godspot through the following song (can you post a blog without a video anymore). I was laying in bed with my headphones on. My long limbed beautiful boyfriend next to me snoring his way through a dream sponsored by the Walt Disney Company. I began to travel through time with the help of Madonna and realized, again, that I am not the center of the universe and no matter what, things will be ok.

Forget your life
Forget your problems
Administration, Bills and Loans
Come with me

made a cake

I made a cake tonight and threw it in the garbage. I ruined it with a caramel frosting I made that turned into rock candy because I don't have a candy thermometer. It's on my christmas list now. I can't stand not knowing what temperature things are.



I also put up my Christmas tree, it looks the same as it did last year.
Need new ornaments and need new tree. It's sort of a red/gold mess that I really got a charge out of three years ago.

I asked my parents if they wanted to have Chinese food on Christmas. That should be fun. Very A Christmas Story.

she's that girl

I love these Madonna Barbie Dolls someone is making. It's work that needs to be done. The miniature monkey purse makes me want to cut myself! So adorable.

my songs are my children

Remembering doctors

My pediatrician had red Lucille Ball hair and very cold fingers. The nurse looked like Shelley Duvall. Once she came into say that the doctor was "tied up" and I thought that she was really tied up and that frightened me because everyone was acting like it was normal.

I had several ingrown toenail surgeries at that office. The nurse told me that cutting your toenails "is an art."

the only thing i like about film is women

breathtaking montage. i wish i thought of it.

irreplaceable

I have had this song in my head, non-stop for days. Beyonce and her infectious songs. "To the left! To the left! Everything you own in a box to the left! I can have another you in a minute. Matter fact he'll be here in a minute."

I am on a completely reversed sleep schedule. Goddam. Was supposed to go to the doctor today but they rescheduled. I am crazier than a mouse driving stick shift. Ah, what do you do?

get out of the car! get! out!

I finished watching the entire first series of "Damages" on FX. A waste of time. I don't normally watch lawyery type shows because I have trouble following them. I was attracted to this one because its in New York City and it has Glenn Close in it and I liked the theme song/opening credits. That's about all I liked about it though-- lots of flashbacks and a confusing narrative thats more trouble than its worth.

I do want to be Glenn Close marching around in pantsuits, being very abrupt. Bluish gray lighting. Making billion dollar settlements with a smirk.

I'll probably watch next season.

My bipolar is acting up. They need to make some sort of cream or spray. Just spray the room down when the bipolar starts stinking up the room. I feel like bipolar is the new "neurotic." Just some blanket term to cover an enormous variety of symptoms that may or may not be connected. I mean I don't think these psychiatrists have any idea what the hell they are doing and all of us crazies are just paying for vacations to wherever psychiatrists vacation. I say get out of the car! Get! Out! I've been around the block several times. Several times. I know how this works and its a losing game.

Lady Bunny

I just want to give a shout out to Lady Bunny for somehow finding the most hilarious videos on the net. Bookmark her site!!!

Here's some beautiful Bulgarians singing "Oh Susanna!" Makes me want to cry.

Such a delight!

If the trumpeting isn't enough, you have to wait for the dance sequences. Stacy Hedger reminds me it's good to be alive.

we're going with another candidate

My interview at Borders did not go well. I have never been good at job interviews. My therapist and I once worked on differentiating between a job interview and therapy. I tend to act the same in both situations.

I really wanted to work at Borders again. I had a fantasy of just zoning out and making perfect OCD stacks of books. I love helping customers find just the right book or cd, never giving up until the mission was accomplished. I remembered how good I was and how much I enjoyed it, I was so excited.

I got to the interview ten minutes early as recommended by my work program teacher in high school (one of the other recommendations was not to smoke, even if the interviewer asked you if you wanted a cigarette, can you imagine). A bald "operations manager" directed me to sit in the cafe and wait for someone to come down and get me. I waited for a half hour. Finally a lady came down and started yelling "Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy..." in the bookstore, not the cafe. I had to go out and follow her call to find her.

We waited for an elevator together. She didn't say anything until she cracked her neck real loud, "I've been waiting all day to do that." Charmed! We walked into the backroom past the employee breakroom full of employees flopped all over a table staring at me with blank expressions to my still hopeful shy smile.

Into a room where we were met by a squat woman with homemade tattoos on both arms. Ah, Borders! Good to be back. So edgy with your helpful workers with soul patches and body jewelry. The asexual pierced boys and goth girls who fit happily into such a strange corporate groove. I'm not bitter.

I sat between the two women as they began their questioning. Maybe I've been watching too much "Damages" but I felt like I was giving a deposition. They went through a list of questions that all started with, "Tell me about a specific time when..." My mind started racing, I knew I couldn't come up with specific times when I was helping a difficult customer or had a disagreement with a manager or whatever. My memory is so fuzzy, I don't catalog things like that in my head. I gave general answers, good general answers-- I actually surprised myself. But ohhh how they wanted specifics, "Can you tell me about a specific time when that happened?" I considered making things up but I'm not good at that. Well, I'm good when it doesn't have to make sense. "Once there was a turtle that came in and he was looking for a book on sewing and he was real mad because he had a broken leg so I suggested we go swimming together but first we decided to go to Arby's..." I can do that.

Anyway, they were not happy with me and I just got frustrated to the point that I was like-- "Ahhh NO! We already established that I can't remember specific times!! Let's move on ladies!!!"

It's been a rough few months. A rough half of a year since I landed back in Illinois from dreamy California. I don't know if its my anti-anxiety meds but that seems so far away and hazy. Who was that person driving around in a black Kia on Hollywood Boulevard? Such a mystery to me. I've become so fixated on that person who could get up at 6:30 in the Los Angeles sunshine everyday and do things. Writing funny 30 Rock scripts like it was no big deal. So fascinating from this perspective- a considerably less sunny place.

I received a friendly voicemail yesterday informing me that they went with another candidate but my resume will be kept on file.

benny lava

From LadyBunny's blog-- my source for a lot of crazy videos- an Indian video with someone's attempt at deciphering what the lyrics are. I actually really like this song.

i. love. martha. stewart.

I am very excited about the new Martha Stewart line at Macy's. Holy Crap! I just went to macys.com and she just walked right out on my screen!!

I love when she talks about tag sales! Ohh, how I'd love to go to a tag sale in Maine. Maybe pick up some interesting pieces of sea glass. I also love when she talks about parchment paper. Parchment paper!

all my money is gone! GONE!!!

poor girl

I fear this is how I sound in job interviews.

You are well aware of your inner feelings

I recently graduated from college at thirty one years old. I do consider this an achievement. I would like to go back immediately. I desire approval and constant positive reinforcement for writing papers on topics like Sandra Bernhard and Big Brother 7. I have been thrust into a new world that isn't interested in such things. It is confusing and fast paced and I don't appreciate it.

I had high hopes when I graduated. I really wanted to work for Big Brother. Seriously. I was ashamed to say this. I think, however, the show encompasses all that I am interested in -- documentary, psychology, pop culture with a large dose of trash. I sent my resume and I have not been contacted. Which is really unfortunate. She doesn't know what she lost.

I have subsequently sent my resume to other jobs I am interested in-- Oprah, Playboy, coffee shops, temp services. Lackluster results at best.

Yesterday after a morning of talk that would have made me cry if I wasn't so hopped up on antidepressants-- getting real with the boy I love, we went to the zoo. Very pleasant. An ice cream by a pond with ducks and foliage, talking of movies and things. A suggestion was made for me to apply at Blockbuster video which was met with great resistance on my part. Not feeling well with my dirty clothes and hair, painted fake toenails and general crazy.

I went into the blockbuster feeling like a teenage boy asking for a summer job with his mom out in the car. The E. Lynn Harris gentleman at the desk was so kind to me that I almost cried again. He looked into my eyes and told me that they were hiring in September and gave me the information in a very friendly and nonjudgmental tone.

So today, I applied online. A thirty seven page personality test ensued. I had taken it before, which was one of the reasons I dreaded applying. These tests always stump me.

You are often very anxious about issues in your life:
Strongly Agree
Agree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree

Strongly Disagree!!
I am a robot. I have no concerns. I have reached total enlightenment. I have no desires, wants, needs or problems in my life. This is why I have decided to apply at Blockbuster Video.

Madonna and Sandra

1988. Those were the days. Those. were. the. days.

dragonslayer

How wonderful it is when you discover something you were worried about is nothing to be worried about. A dragon, a demon breathing fire in your face -- you turn your head and it is vanished into dust.

Coming home from school, worried in the carport. Terrified to tell my mother, that yes, I had been reprimanded at school for something. Feeling heavy with dread, lead stomach. Then to tell her and she did not so much as blink. Fixing dinner. Perhaps other things were of more importance. And all that worry for nothing.

How much of my life is this? Worried about demons that do not exist. And most do not, most demons, dragons, rats crawling around my ankles-- they are not real. I would like to say that the dragon is gone. Yes, and I shall live my life without a care and a worry. But this is not the case.

I will always find a new dragon, something disgusting and terrible to spend the majority of my time concerning myself with until I learn to become a dragonslayer.

5 Questions with Mike from Big Brother

Mike Dutz made such a graceful exit on Big Brother that I had to ring him up and ger his thoughts on the show and other important issues.

1. You have a great body! Where is the first place to start (exercise wise) that would get rid of a beer belly?
Cardio, lots and lots of cardio.


2.Kraft Macaroni and Cheese or Velveeta Shells and Cheese?
Velveeta Shells and cheese

3.Anything exciting happen while you were gone?
I've lined up potential work from being on the show.

4. Best moment in BB house?
The strong man competition!

5. How many wives does Magnus have?
7 wives




Love the show and really fell in love with you on the last episode. You should be really proud of yourself.
Thanks for watching and supporting me on the show. It was an honor to be there.