hamster wheel

Today a return to therapy. I was boycotting my therapist because I wasn't happy with my life. I was blaming my therapist. Someones gotta take the blame and it sure as hell ain't me.

Feeling okay this morning. I am very excited about Big Brother. The houseguests have been announced, the theme is high school enemies and the house is decorated in a Alice In Wonderland theme. From the pictures I've seen, they could have done a better job with that but whatever. As I have mentioned, I did send my resume to the new producer of the show, one Ms. Alison Grodner, along with a paper I wrote on Big Brother for Critical Studies class. I have not been contacted. I can confidently say that it is a huge loss for them. I would have been a dedicated employee.



I have been listening to the book, "Finding My Voice" by Diane Rehm. She is my current role model. She started volunteering at a public radio station when she was in her late thirties and worked her way up to having her own show "The Diane Rehm Show." She became afflicted with a neurological disorder called spasmodic dysphonia that affects her voice. She is still plugging away. Very inspiring.

Today I want to work on figuring out what the hell I want to do with my life. I'm not sure if I want to go back to school. It's the only thing I can think about that I am even remotely interested in. But I am doubting this idea for a number of reasons-- Do I just want to do this because this is what I am comfortable with? How will I pay for it? Will this get me anywhere? I really want to do it. I'm not sure exactly what I want to study.

Last night my mother and I went to a seminar at the Newberry Library on genetics and genealogy for African Americans. It was very interesting and reaffirmed my interest in continuing my education.

I do NOT want to work in a random office right now. I am absolutely unable to do that. For the first ten years out of high school, I bounced around from working at McDonald's to Borders to various temp jobs. I feel like I have DONE that. Repeating that would be a huge waste of time and simply would not work. The idea makes me want to throw up on myself. All that is to me is making money so I can spend it. A hamster wheel, going nowhere. Education does not feel that way to me. Even if I don't have a job at the end of it, I feel a sense of acheivement and something tangible to point to and say that I did this. Perhaps I am naive. But I don't feel that there is any other way. I'm sure there is, but this seems like the path that makes sense to me.

Okay, gotta take a shower.

Unposted Blog Entries

And now... back by popular demand-- Unposted Blog Entries.

These are posts that, for whatever reason, I chose to put in The Jeremy Show Vault rather than post. Now for a limited time, they are available for you at no charge.

3/28/07
lighten up jeremy

i just made a pot of coffee at 8 pm and i'm feeling guilty about that. jesus f'ing christ- i just need to lighten up for pete's sake. why must i feel guilty and anxious about every goddam thing ever. i DID NOT drop the bomb on hiroshima. that was not my fault. i want the freedom to pee all over my hotel room floor and not feel guilty about it. okay maybe thats pushing it.

rigidity. it comes down to rigidity and insecurity. it comes down to so much. superstition and magic thinking. let's do some cognitive therapy, lets explore psychology together-- shall we?

I am a real expert at what cognitive therapists call overgeneralizing and catastrophizing. let's start with the coffee.

The simple action that starts it:
I am drinking a cup of coffee at 8 pm.

So this is what goes on in my head:

I am obviously stupid and irresponsible. Normal people don't drink cups of coffee at 8 pm. Unless they are out to dinner- but I am such a bad person that I don't even have any friends to go out with for dinner. This is because I have an self diagnosed anxiety disorder which isn't being treated. I have other self diagnosed disorders as well, post traumatic stress disorder, agoraphobia (except I have the strain that allows me to leave the house for cigarettes and fast food and movies). I have all kinds of obscure but very serious addictions. I have also decided that I have a vestibular disorder. Which involves something about dizziness and the inner ear, I haven't looked into it too much but I'm sure this is something that I am dealing with. Not to mention hypochondriasis.

This all from making a cup of coffee. Too much time to think. That's why I'm pounding away at this keyboard.

I think I would like a drink. A margarita or something with tequila to make me feel smooth and silly and sexy. I need a cute latino waiter smiling and watching as I fall into a giggly rabbit hole where everything is very curious.

But as I have learned, being here in the LA, I need to stay on my treatment. Nothing need interfere with my treatment. Unless I have a safe place and a guardian. Someone to watch over as I enjoy a safe drunken playground.

Will I ever not need a treatment plan?

3/28/07
in the trash

I think I would like a drink. A margarita or something with tequila to make me feel smooth and silly and sexy. I need a cute latino waiter smiling and watching as I fall into a giggly rabbit hole where everything is very curious.

But alkiholl tends to interfere with the treatment plan set up so lovingly by my doctor.

Name is J. Wells and I am a very important business man who makes good money, good benefits and has a stockpile of 401K and other such plans that make me indestructible. I walk confidently down major metropolitan streets paying little attention to passers by. I talk directly into my cellular phone with friends and colleagues about upcoming deals. My suit and shoes and hair are tailored and perfected. Hair appointments on a regular basis.

Oh! I can't even fake it. Who are these men that ride about town on their success and big dicks? What families did they come from, what were they doing when they were eleven? Big hands. So many men with these big hands and big feet and perfect hair and suits.

I am from a different stock, clearly. I see myself as sort of decoupage. ugh im sick of myself. stop. done.


memory flood
4/26/07
staying at heathers house after meltdown reading prozac nation watching barbra streisand 94 concert on vhs and i love lucy road trip to la feeling safe. fourth of july in hot hot apartment, geoffrey was out, kara and i watched jennifer lopez movie- out of sight, while puerto ricans shot off fireworks loud loud. hillarys apartment after not getting on flight to san diego, hillary was sick, i was not

time to put memories away for awhile

Well God Bless America. Shit. I can't believe the ridiculousness. Things fall apart. For sure things fall apart. I cant believe how


4/26/07
The Secret

In the spirit of "The Secret," here is my visualization for the future.

Come see me perform.



Welcome to my home. Understated. Subtle.


5/20/07

Untitled

yesterday i was sad because i was out to lunch and it was very sunny and i was looking out the window and there were so many people


5/22/07
regret

i am afraid to write this. keep deleting my thoughts. i am depressed. simple as that. simple as that. occasional moments of clarity, brilliance. on the whole, depressed. and i hurt the ones i love with this thing that i have and the way i handle it. push them away without even knowing it.

responsibility. a word that doesnt apply, falls off me like i am covered in teflon. sabotaging myself.

writing again in annoying oddly constructed sentences.

“Depression is the inability to construct a future.” Rollo May

5/22/07

Captain Depression

I have returned. Captain Depression! Able to dissapoint everyone I know, everywhere I go! Leaving parties, jobs, bars in seconds for no reason! Turning a normal social situation into an awkward disaster right before your very eyes.

Walking Pneumonia

I acquired this illness shortly before my graduation from college. Lots of coughing-hot-cold-chills-wanting-to-sleep-a-lot. I was given a prescription to Tussinex a pain reliever with Codeine for the coughing. While riding this beautiful train and enjoying the warm buzz I became seriously convinced that I would be forever addicted to opiates and die a heroin addict. Luckily I polished off the bottle and have been sober for ovr a week. I wont be making any heroin deals anytime soon. Knock on wood.

My recovery has been slow. I admit that I have continued smoking. I smoke. I smoke a lot. A lot. Always smoking. If you catch me somewehere, waiting for a bus, outside a resteraunt, in the shower- I will be smoking. Rumor has it that smoking is not advised while one tries to heal from pneumonia. I cant stop. Or dont want to stop. I dont want to stop.

I am afraid to stop smoking. I don't know what I will be like. I have terrible anxiety now- who knows what it will be like when I am trying not to smoke. I know that I could handle it though. Strange how chemical addictions work. A drug telling your body to tell your brain that you need it to survive. This is not true. I dont need to smoke to survive.

Anyway, I didnt want to go down this road. Talk of addiction and smoking.

Okay all of this has been depression soaked ranting. Full of gloom and doom signifying nothing. Garbage.

Depression Crisis Plan

During the times I have been hospitalized there were very peppy counselors who went on about a depression crisis plan. I have never done one. Why I am choosing to do this now on the internet is just me being hungry for attention. If this is what it takes for me to do it then this is what it takes for me to do it. Maybe you will learn something from it. I'll pretend I'm Oprah. A depressed smoking Oprah.

When I am feeling well, I am (describe yourself when you are feeling well):
active, busy, working or studying, eating relatively well, sleeping ok, in contact with friends and family

The following symptoms indicate that I am no longer able to make decisions for myself, that I am no longer able to be responsible for myself or to make appropriate decisions.


5/23/07

a failure of character

i have been suffering from depression for probably ten years. i am a survivor of this disease. i have hit bottom many times, had to pull myself back up with the help of hospitalizions, doctors, therapists, family and friends.

throughout all of this, there is a chorus, sometimes in my head, sometimes out of my head that tells me that i am lazy, that i am doing something wrong, that i am flawed, just not doing something right.

this blog stands as a testament to the fact that i am happy to admit my flaws. but i do not think that my flaws (smoking, laziness, too much big brother, etc) are the cause of my depression. and i think that when i think this way it is dangerous.

medicine can't fix everything. and the companies that produce the medication are evil like every other company in the world. but medication has saved me.

i am going through a very difficult time right now. having just graduated from school i dont know what to do with myself. i dont know if this triggered my current bout of depression-- i am working to get over this.

6/7/07

are you absolutley serious?

god bless you for continuing to read this piece of crap. please feel free to exit at any point.

When I was fourteen I started working at McDonalds at the suggestion of my mother. I am unclear about my thought process back then. Did I want to work there? Or was it that my mother told me to. And was that enough for me to do something back then. Anyway, I continued working there until I was 24. I had other jobs here and there but McDonalds was the bulk of it.

I remember looking out the drive thru window and thinking I don't have to do this anymore. I could work in an office, get paid more, and do less. So I started temping.

I worked for the gas company. I was a landscaping and paving clerk. Artificial Christmas tree salesman. Wallpaper librarian. Production Assitant for television shows.

Always uncomfortable and very stressful. But managable I think. Somehow I managed. And now because I have been out of work I am

6/13/07

a little bit of love goes a long long way

Never thought I'd be saying this but hooray for Enrique Iglesias. Serenading a gay fan. One of the cutest things I've seen in awhile people. Makes me a little sick, but its great.

Enrique Iglesias Thrills Gay Fan
Uploaded by funscenes3

6/18/07

10:24

It is important to have things to look forward to. I am looking forward to:

-going back to school one day
-writing a comic play
-seeing sandra bernhard again

Untitled

6/23/07


I am very excited about the new Big Brother. I hope it does not dissapoint.

chinese baseball annoucer

"Want to get paid watching Cubs games? You need to speak Chinese mandarin fluently, understand baseball rules and go to the games. Baseball fan is a plus."

I must be going crazy because I honestly considered this job for half a second. I don't even like baseball.

Simulated wood has not made the comeback I thought it would. I do like the wood iPod cases I have seen in my journeys.

The best time to catch me is in the morning. With a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Things turn shitty around noon.

dont bite the hand

I do not like this time of the day. Daytime turning into night. Dogs barking. Waking up from a late afternoon nap with a bad taste in your mouth. Sweaty, hungry, hair messed up.

Some broccoli, a chicken breast, some rice and a glass of apple juice. Makes me want to jump out the window. Crabby. Ungrateful.

Grabbing for sequins and glitter and instant gratification. Candy and ribbons. Candy, alcohol, drugs, sex, music, movies, fantasy.

Get in touch with your inner self. I don't think it's there anymore. At least not today.

Read somewhere that small paragraphs=not so smart. Well that's all I can chickenscratch right now. Thank you.

Laying in bed trying to think of a way to...a way to...How's this going to work? How am I going to pull this off? This Jeremy business.

I guess another time. Another time. I'm sorry.

Gay Pride doesn't exist this year. Where is it? What time? When? Who? Half asleep, not dancing through life.

This isn't helping anyone.

The Jeremy Show Interview: Vidkid Timo

My gentleman friend and I came across the adult movie “Mardi Gras Cowboy” at a benefit for Howard Brown Medical Center in Chicago. We picked it up and fell in love with it. It is now my boyfriend’s favorite adult film. It’s not your typical porn movie, it is really well written and has a lot of heart. I wanted to cry at the end. So I invited one of the stars and creators of Mardi Gras Cowboy, Vidkid Timo, to stop by The Jeremy Show for a chat.



Can you tell me a little about where you came up with the idea for “Mardi Gras Cowboy?
You know, I can't take credit for the concept. I had never even seen MIDNIGHT COWBOY. But the co-producer, a New Orleans videographer called Rico de la Playa, came to me with the idea. He showed me a videotape of MIDNIGHT COWBOY... and I immediately saw the gay-porn parody in my mind. I finished the script within a week.


Where did you grow up?
I hail from a little town in Louisiana... St. Francisville. I call it "the town that slavery built" since there are so many Antebellum homes.


What is your first memory?
Having Desitin ointment smoothed on my genitals to prevent diaper rash. I remember HATING the feeling of it... but being unable to speak, I couldn't express that to my dear mother.


What did you want to be when you grew up?
That fluctuated from doctor to artist to writer. I guess, in a way, I ended up dabbling in all of those fields.


You won the award for best supporting actor for MGC, what was that experience like? Did you expect to win?
It was a huge honor and an even bigger shock. If I had a better sense that I might've won, I might've tried harder to get to the award ceremony. But Jim Buck picked up the award for me. The following year, having four nominations for AT TWILIGHT COME THE FLESH-EATERS, inspired me to attend an award ceremony in California. I didn't win that time! But I got to sit at the same table as Kristen Bjorn.

Do you still keep in touch with Jim Buck? How is he doing?
Since I moved away from New Orleans, I haven't seen him. But we do correspond. He is well. He's involved with a great many creative and educational endeavors.

What films inspired you as a young filmmaker?
GONE WITH THE WIND was the main one. MAHOGANY a bit later. And all of the John Waters films in my college days and beyond.


How did you go from creating comic films to adult films?
As I was waiting for MARDI GRAS COWBOY to be completed (it took about 10 months)... I started making amateur-style porn... to make ends meet. And it was a lot of fun... and satisfied my need to be creative. So, that took off. I told myself when I started that I would like to do it successfully for five years... and at the seven year mark I realized that I had over-shot my goal! I immediately started planning a phased retirement... and less than a year later, I was done. And I'm so happy I did it that way.


What are some things we wouldn’t know about the adult film industry?
That many people involved in it are neither desperate nor unintelligent. That was a pleasant surprise. But the seedy elements also exist in it, of course.


You mention on your website that you are “emotionally retarted”, explain:
My site says that?! LOL It's sort of said in a joking way. But I think it's fair to characterize myself as immature... much more so when I was making porn. I've grown up a LOT since I've been in my current relationship... dealing with marital and family duties. I simply had less time for cartoon-watching. :-)


What kind of movies do you make now? Tell me a little about them
I don't really make any movies right now. Since we moved to the country, I'm a housewife. LOL But last year (and several years preceding) I would help my friend Jeff (who portrays the "Varla Jean Merman" character) film several musical shorts. That's always fun. I had to bow out of that duty recently because of all our animals. The fish had babies... they have to be fed thrice a day.


How do you feel about “bareback” films?
Years ago I thought that they were irresponsible... but then I came to the opinion that since there was a demand... and since there were models who preferred to have sex that way (usually with trusted fuck-buddies) that it was okay (for me) to film and release films that included raw action. I always included a disclaimer encouraging people to be proactive with there own decisions in that arena.


What is your favorite film that you’ve made? Adult film and non adult film
I really loved so many of the films I made... it's hard to choose. But I'm particularly fond MID-SUMMER DREAMS, which was one of my last xxx films. And as for non-adult... I made a music video with Varla for a song called "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off". That footage was priceless. But, I didn't do the editing.


Where do you live now?
My husband I live in a place EVEN SMALLER and more remote than the one I grew up in... just outside of Wilmer, Alabama.


How is New Orleans now?
Since Hurricane Katrina, we've only been to New Orleans to check our post office box... and to see one of Varla's plays. So, we haven't really "hung out" to notice if the spirit of the city has changed. But from what we've seen... much of it still looks like a war-zone. And many of our favorite restaurants have closed, according to our friends.


What advice would you give to a semi-young, frustrated artist/writer/performer named Jeremy?

To quote Sondheim, "art isn't easy". It's a lot of figuring out how to do stuff YOUR way, without compromising your vision or integrity. Coming to those realizations sometimes take a long, long, LONG time... and the paths are different for everyone. Very little of the advice I got was useful to me. But I had stuff I wanted to accomplish... and I managed to do those things... not always at the level I imagined... but most of life is like that. Basically, all I can advise you to do is to research, create and network. The rest, sort of, is up to chance.


What advice would you give a new couple?
That's easy. So many of my relationships ended after the first 3 months or so because of a dramatic change that occurred which lead me to believe that the "magic" was over. But then I saw on some talk show about how the intense feeling you get when you first fall in love (infatuation, for lack of a better term) is not physically able to be sustained longer than 3 months. That happens in order to get couples interested in one another. When that feeling subsides, it doesn't mean the relationship is over... it means there is a next step... one that I didn't grasp. If you're with someone that you had that feeling for... and he's good to you... stick with him. Because once you grieve the loss of the "infatuation" period... you'll settle into a new feeling... a comfortable, stable happiness. And absolutely you'll feel the strong rush of emotions that hooked you up in the first place... just not as often. Relationships and commitments are SO MUCH better than just the fun fuck-filled first 3 months. The tricky part is finding someone who understands that and feels the same way about working-through a relationship with you. And... excellent communication skills are a big plus.

Where can people go if they want to see “Mardi Gras Cowboy?”
From what I understand, it can only be purchased from All Worlds Video (their site used to be allworldsvideo.com - but I haven't checked in a while, so that might've changed... and I heard they were redesigning it). And many of my other xxx videos can still be viewed online... links are on my site: www.vidkidtimo.com

The next time you come to Chicago will you have a drink with my boyfriend and I?
I don't really go to gay bars anymore, but I'd love to do coffee or dinner. Absolutely, that would be my pleasure.

giving grades

"We sit in front of my laptop as This American Life comes to an end. Afterwards I take off your Adidas Tron sneakers and throw them under my bed. I slip off my ballet flats and join you on my concert tee shirt quilt I made at Sew and Tell last month..."

A site devoted to hipster erotica. Funniest thing I've heard all day. A+

Ahhh. Waiting for Peapod. My mom lovingly agreed to buy me some groceries for nourishment as I weather this anhedonic storm of unemployment and bad television. My boyfriend must be plotting my demise for all I do is watch old, DVR'd Kathy Griffin stand up specials.

Watched "Sicko" last night. Really good. I hope it makes more of a difference than F 911 did. The film is very Michael Moore-- it doesn't show much of the opposing view. But I still give it an A+.

Ohh, I was going to tell you about this yesterday.

The New York Times reports on real people and how they imagine themselves in Second Life. Love it.

It is interesting because when you are designing your avatar, a cyber representation of yourself, you start to think about yourself and what you like or don't like. I don't have to have a beer belly in cyberworld if I don't want to. I can have a tail if I want, or horns. It does raise your self-esteem to have complete control over your appearance.

I'm sort of over Second Life. Once I figured it out, I can't really think of anything to do there. There are support groups on "Support For Healing" island. I enjoy that. But lately it's just been friendly Linux programmers from the UK. They are patient listening to my problems but I think it's time to move on. Love it though. Really opened my eyes to the blurring lines of real world vs. virtual world.

Feel like a real Chatty Cathy today.

My perfect life. Once I did an improv show on a boat. It was for a prom after party. Very odd. I was dressed as a woman for part of the show, naturally. Afterwards I remember sitting with a boy (who was named earlier on this blog and I shall not name him again) and we were talking about what we want in the future. I noticed some houses along the lake we were traveling on. I said that I would like a house on the lake. I imagined dinner parties with close friends. Afterwards we would retire to the deck and look over the lake, smoking, drinking wine, being adults.

This is not where I am. (Although I am grateful everyday for the life I DO have) Thoughts like this, designs on my future, give me hope for the future. There is a real Jeremy in here trying to get out. There really is. Perhaps I am looking at things the wrong way. Perhaps the real Jeremy is here now. He just needs to pull himself up by his boot straps. Maybe, maybe not.

oxygen

back from walk. i have decided that oxygen has a profound effect on the human body. take that down.

i saw squirrels. lots of squirrels. i saw a sign in front of my apartment building announcing that they pay heat. well, they also pay my electricity and that better not be changing anytime soon.

brewing a pot of personality in the kitchen. french roast ambition. if i may steal a phrase from dolly parton.

its about money kids. and if ya dont work. ya dont make money. thats what its about. aint no pussyfootin' around it. thats just been a little hard for me to digest. been givin me a stomachace for a real long time now. and its time to face facts.

again, i am not my bank account. i am not my shoes.

going to work on my book now. the one im writing about me. there's only one star...

write it out

this time of day the black fog rolls in. i feel like i am trying to chew on or bite into a quarter. nauseous. bad goosebumps. nails on a chalkboard, that kind of feeling. a whole body migraine sort of.

take a pill and lay down. close the shades.

different from the morning with the coffee and the cigarettes. stimulating. ideas and projects. feeling the ability to do anything. hyperproductive. lets move a couch up the stairwell of the sears tower and go get breakfast after.

but now, its different. the shades are drawn. no prospect for the future.

the mood swings are terrible. hard to plan anything because you don't know where you'll be mentally when you are expected to be somewhere, and expected to be yourself. whoever that is.

with so many years of medication it is difficult to tell who "myself" is. myself comes around once in awhile. a happy accident. there he is! a stand in appears when myself is not there. and he is a cheap imitation.

more chills, nauseousness. and no one to explain it to really. no one who gets it. no one who has the manual on me.

i caught myself praying just a minute ago.
please give me the strength to get through it.

just another afternoon spell.

this is not working. not seeing therapist right now. talking in circles. too expensive. checks bouncing all over the place.

one thing i will do is go for a walk around the block. no ipod. this seems to work or is advised, at least, to us, the depressed-- "the walking dead," as oprah described recently.

my goodness. i apologize. carry on. this is not unusual. i just chose to write it out today. honest writing should do no harm.

that's hot

i had a really beautiful thing to write about but somehow i got caught up in superhero porn. im back now, what was i going to write about? something about san francisco i think. well it's gone now.

my mom asked me what i thought of this paris hilton thing. i told her i havent watched television in about a week (the view with no rosie, and there is a gap between regular programming and fun crappy summer programming ie. big brother, my life on the d-list,etc). she was confused.

i am just not interested in paris hilton at all. as much as i go on about loving pop culture, i can't understand the appeal of her. i did watch "the simple life" a few times -- very strange overly scripted reality show. i found nicole ritchie funny and hilton was okay on the show. but i can't write about her because i have no emotion at all. i did like saying "that's hot" for awhile. my mom went on to read a very long article about hilton to me, i zoned out. i am very thankful that i have a mother that reads articles about paris hilton to me.

if you are not reading boingboing you should be.

i want to read this book.



it's funny when you are at a party and somehow you get into talking about old television shows. it takes about thirty minutes to get out of it before everyone has exhausted talking about "gummi bears" and "jem" and "silver spoons" and "small wonder." such an impact these shows had on us.

ok, let's talk about "i don't watch television." a phrase that causes me concern in social settings. some of us smarties, some of us npr listeners and organic food purchasers like to throw around this phrase at cocktail parties. i have never said it because i think it's very clear that i do watch television. but lets get into it. what does "i don't watch television" mean?

1. do you own a television?
you probably say yes, but i never watch it. if you own a television, chances are you watch it. even if you own a television and don't watch prime time television- you watch television.
2. do you watch quality television on dvd.
do you watch "quality shows" like "the sopranos," or "weeds."
so, you're not watching survivor. but you are still watching shows specifically marketed to your demographic. these shows don't just appear out of nowhere, they are crafted and chosen by men in suits to target you and get your money. unless you are stealing them, you are falling into the same trap as someone watching "big brother."
3. do you watch retro shows like "mary tyler moore," "the golden girls" or "twin peaks" on television?
again, these shows don't fall from the sky. mary tyler moore didn't cook them up in her home. they are even more commercially marketed by the man to you.
4. do you watch the movies on dvd?
you are watching them on your television.
5. do you watch the news?
you are watching the television, sorry amigo.
6. do you watch the televisions at the checkout stands of your grocery store or in elevators, etc.
you watch television

With that out of the way. What does it mean to say "I dont watch television." What are we trying to say, prove, or communicate when we spit these words onto someone who innocently asks us if we watched "american idol" last night? the only translation of "i dont watch television" i understand is "i think i am smarter than you. i make better choices. the things i like are intelligent, homegrown, pure, simple, and perfect. but most importantly i am better than you."

and thats okay. i am all about putting people down in public as long as we know what jackasses we are ourselves.

bored!

i did my dishes and laundry. the decorative stitching on my vans, the stitching on the toes came unraveled so i went ahead and sewed that back on. i decoupaged some pictures from W magazine with madonna onto an old frame.

my ipod is working again so i added a bunch of new music and started a new rating system.

***** Excellent! I want to hear it right now.
**** Excellent, but I can hold off.
*** Great song, but I'm over it.
** Annoying, but good
* Crappy, but need it on my iPod
no stars songs I delete

Has anybody played Second Life? It is ridiculous. Really fun but dangerous for me, we'll see how it goes.

I don't watch any talk shows except Martha. I am annoyed by all the others.

I would like to start or join a writing group. i would like to do or be involved in something theatrical. I need help finding and getting over my fear of job.

Today is blah.

i am not my bank account

fabulous discovery! no matter what happens to that ole' pile of nickels i am not my bank account.

laundry started ya'll. boo yah! and i hope this inspires you to do whatever it is you've been meaning to do. today laundry, tomorrow owning a castle in england that my whole family can live in--- very far apart, of course.

i started looking for castles to buy online-- turns out there are not a lot of them. i want a big one. i could conquer a country, but that may be setting unrealistic goals.

whew it really heated up in my apartment, took the shirt off and i got the music just crankin.' Madonna's "History" a lackluster song but whatever.

todays video spotlight is on the B-52's. I went to see them three times in concert, all in the summer. so summer makes me think of them. twice at the "world music theatre" and once at ravinia where kara and i had a religious experience walking around and listening to the now grown up B-52's dorks with kids singing along to "Love Shack." Here is one of my favorites. "Song For A Future Generation"



also since we're talking summer. my favorite summer movie is "do the right thing." i am going to watch it with my dude.

your account is overdrawn

your account is overdrawn. friendly email reminders from chase bank. thanks for ruining my day! suck my assh*le. their fault not mine. not true.

missed my appointment at the apple bar or whatever its called, to get my ipod fixed. even though this is really minor, it put me in an ass mood. baby was sleepy. baby had to go back to bed. i did awaken at 6:30 with high hopes. but i am now idle.

my next goal is to do laundry. yes, thats what i shall do. oh! and turn off the air conditioning unit and let some fresh air get in.

just did it. birds are outside and sound of cars and movement of things. train going by as we speak! a real cacophonous cavalcade.

let it go. let it all go. any expectations, dreams hopes plans, for the moment can be put on hold. laundry, simple task.

Russia is Cold Enough!

I have the oprah winfrey show theme song from the tenth year in my head. it was sung by paul simon.

You are moving on a crowded street
Through various shades of people
In the summers harshest heat
A story in your eye
Well, speak until your minds at ease

Thank you, I will. I am spending a couple days in Crystal Lake, my hometown. I met with my sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Casey. She said that I look the same. Sweet Jesus! If you could see what I looked like in sixth grade. I told her that I had jaw surgery, that I couldn't look the same. She said I looked the same.

I also went through some childhood documents. History papers from senior year that had a big fat F on them. Two papers from my senior year in high school-- one on Stalin. I have no memory of writing a paper on Stalin. It was called "Russia is Cold Enough!" and a paper on homosexuality on Greek mythology called, "Hercules had a boyfriend." The note from the teacher on that one suggested that even though there was man love in Greek mythology there is a difference between love love and sexual love. Ok, Mrs. Bartholomew. From what I've seen of those Greek gods, it's clear to me that there was some hot man lovin' going on back then.

So many gays on the buses shooting downtown from their gold coast apartments. What are they doing? Shopping. Keeping up with the gay Jones.' I imagine that there are just huge drug taking, gay orgies in these tall lakefront apartment buildings at night and then during the day these boys go shopping on Michigan Ave. Perhaps they're just going to work.

My iPod died.

I have one cat named Oliver who I named after Oliver Crumz a dancer for Madonna's Blond Ambition tour. He has never beeen interested in me.

Umm, first I'm writing about cats. Second, when I told my dad I wanted to go back to school, he compared me to someone that is one of my biggest nightmares of becoming. This person shall remain nameless. (email me) It's all in good fun.

Knock on computer, I am feeling better. This happened because I am feeling more hopeful about my future, I am more involved with people and taking my medication as prescribed. I forgot about one pill that I was taking and just stopped. Pills, pills, pills. "Stable as a table."

I am not interested in Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears. Pop Culture has become very very boring. I say keep watching QVC. That's what it is all about.