dreaming of bush

i dreamt i was taking a class and was not getting along with a teacher. i didnt have the right book and was trying to tell the teacher and he didnt give a shit. i went to talk to the principal (played by president bush). he gave me a big hug. he was very understanding at first (and suprisingly sexy) but he turned on me. telling me i was not smart and that my whole college career had been a lie. i left his office. i tried to explain all this to kara and she turned on me too. so i cut the top of my left hand in protest with a bread knife. it started bleeding really badly and looked like chopped meat (probably because i had steak for dinner). we both freaked out and went next door to her neighbors. coincidentally there were paramedics at her neighbors house that bandaged up my hand.

i think i had this dream because i had two pieces of steak for dinner.

Bette at the Continental Baths

oh for the love of god!

everything coming out all sideways.
very angry right now.
confused about how people see me.
guess it doesnt matter.
maybe im getting other peoples issues with themselves tangled with my own.
this annoying paragraph/sentence structure isnt helping matters either.

and that whole thing is played out.
im so done with it.

enough.

how jeremy got his groove back

I couldnt remember what we were supposed to write about for class so I thought Id write about my day.

I went to see my therapist today after a three month break. Really felt emotionally raw. We started talking about stuff and something hit a nerve and I wanted to cry. I guess its been awhile since I have talked about my feelings. Ive sort of been numb.

After meeting with my therapist, I felt a mixture of relief and sadness. I walked back to my house through the rain, wanting to talk to someone. I called my mother and some friends but everyone went to voicemail. I came home and fell asleep for five hours.

This always happens in the Fall and its nothing new for me. Its such a shock to see the seasons change so dramatically, so fast. Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder, probably.

I tried to think of something happy today and everything seemed annoying to me.

A book cover? Like the cover of really good quality paperbacks that can take you to another world. Photography in general. Pictures of Madonna. These things make me happy.

And there is always How Stella Got Her Groove Back. What is it about that movie for me? I speak in all serious when I say that my seratonin level increases significantly when that movie is on. Maybe it's the combination of the soul music and the tropical locale that really relaxes me. And Taye Diggs.

I want to be Angela Bassett in Jamaica right now. I want Whoppi Goldberg to be my friend who has some mysterious movie illness that brings us together just before its too late. Then I get married to Taye Diggs and quit my job as a stockbroker to design wood furniture out of my garage.

Just writing about that makes me happy.

the terrorists win when they cancel big brother

they cancelled tonights big brother so they could play some retarted documentary about 9/11. enough! enough! give me back my big brother. or play an old rerun of the carol burnett show. anything. we got it, we got the point.

why are they making me watch this? friggin 9/11 documentaries they keep making me watch on tv. getting all anxious and crazy. if i have to see those buildings collapse again im going to collapse. can we cool it, please! people are so down on television and reality shows and shit-- not nearly as damaging and unhealthy as 9/11 porn. fear factor is a children's programing compared to this crap.

makes me think about how responsible the media is for the mental health of viewers. especially with 9/11. how different would our experience of september 11th be without the relentless, neverending documentaries promising new angles on a national tragedy. sure, yeah i could just turn it off, but that's not in my nature. i own that and accept that.

lord have mercy. im so sick of people and their opinions about popular culture (unless it's my opinion). bite me. you think you know, but you have no idea.

work out

watching some show on bravo called "work out" about the very interesting and dramatic lives of personal trainers. so stupid. cant believe im still watching it. i think its because i enjoy watching this personal trainer named brian. cant get enough of these reality tv boys.



anyway thought id do a recap of this summer.

-started with taking two classes, "theories of personality" and "art history II" at columbia, a lot of work, suprisingly enjoyable.
-saw kathy griffin in crystal lake, very very funny
-saw "wicked," liked it
-saw madonna with my sister, madonna did not have the air conditioner on at the united center, hot and annoying, the show will be better on tv
-saw sandra bernhard at the hothouse, kara and i were sick, kara sicker, ridiculous price, at one point a waitress left a tray of drinks on the stage and sandra bernhard became annoyed and started picking up empty glasses in the audience and she picked up mine, sandra bernhard was inches away from me
-stayed at my parents house for a week cat and dogsitting, made an apple spice cake
-worked the sound for kara's show, very enjoyable
-became obsessed with "big brother 7: all stars," life changing

looking over the list i realize the things that made me happiest were things that took a lot of work. duh.