Where's The Party?

Went to the Art Institute free night last night. I have been there so many times so I wasn't taken away or surprised by much. It's all real good work. Everyone did a real good job on everything. A+ Seurat, A+ Latrec, kudos to everyone. But I'd seen it all before and how lucky I am to have seen it all before.

Reflecting on the evening, over a bowl of curried vegetables and fried rice and chicken I tried to recall what my favorite piece was and I decided, along with the help of Erik, that it was Archibald Motley's "Nightlife." Erik said it was the only thing that made him physically smile. I agree. I smiled inside when I saw it. I want to be in that world.



It's just such an explosion out of repression and depression to sheer euphoria (except for the man who is wasted in the upper right). He's coming down, knows that he has to go back out onto that street, back home, back to the real world.



I also love the Eames Chair. My grandfather had one. Or maybe I made that up. I think he did. Anyway, it reminds me of my grandfather. I want it. I also want to go back to 1987 and I want to be Madonna and I want to where crazy glasses and...

Don't want to grow old too fast
Don't want to let the system get me down
I've got to find a way to make
the good times last
And if you'll show me how, I'm ready now!

congratulations madonna

humor me and watch. that's all i want. that's all i ever wanted.



and her speech, if your so inclined...

she's that girl

I love these Madonna Barbie Dolls someone is making. It's work that needs to be done. The miniature monkey purse makes me want to cut myself! So adorable.

Madonna and Sandra

1988. Those were the days. Those. were. the. days.

sometimes it gets so hard to hide it well

so beautiful. makes me want to weep.

lets set our brains free

bored!

i did my dishes and laundry. the decorative stitching on my vans, the stitching on the toes came unraveled so i went ahead and sewed that back on. i decoupaged some pictures from W magazine with madonna onto an old frame.

my ipod is working again so i added a bunch of new music and started a new rating system.

***** Excellent! I want to hear it right now.
**** Excellent, but I can hold off.
*** Great song, but I'm over it.
** Annoying, but good
* Crappy, but need it on my iPod
no stars songs I delete

Has anybody played Second Life? It is ridiculous. Really fun but dangerous for me, we'll see how it goes.

I don't watch any talk shows except Martha. I am annoyed by all the others.

I would like to start or join a writing group. i would like to do or be involved in something theatrical. I need help finding and getting over my fear of job.

Today is blah.

i am not my bank account

fabulous discovery! no matter what happens to that ole' pile of nickels i am not my bank account.

laundry started ya'll. boo yah! and i hope this inspires you to do whatever it is you've been meaning to do. today laundry, tomorrow owning a castle in england that my whole family can live in--- very far apart, of course.

i started looking for castles to buy online-- turns out there are not a lot of them. i want a big one. i could conquer a country, but that may be setting unrealistic goals.

whew it really heated up in my apartment, took the shirt off and i got the music just crankin.' Madonna's "History" a lackluster song but whatever.

todays video spotlight is on the B-52's. I went to see them three times in concert, all in the summer. so summer makes me think of them. twice at the "world music theatre" and once at ravinia where kara and i had a religious experience walking around and listening to the now grown up B-52's dorks with kids singing along to "Love Shack." Here is one of my favorites. "Song For A Future Generation"



also since we're talking summer. my favorite summer movie is "do the right thing." i am going to watch it with my dude.

Russia is Cold Enough!

I have the oprah winfrey show theme song from the tenth year in my head. it was sung by paul simon.

You are moving on a crowded street
Through various shades of people
In the summers harshest heat
A story in your eye
Well, speak until your minds at ease

Thank you, I will. I am spending a couple days in Crystal Lake, my hometown. I met with my sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Casey. She said that I look the same. Sweet Jesus! If you could see what I looked like in sixth grade. I told her that I had jaw surgery, that I couldn't look the same. She said I looked the same.

I also went through some childhood documents. History papers from senior year that had a big fat F on them. Two papers from my senior year in high school-- one on Stalin. I have no memory of writing a paper on Stalin. It was called "Russia is Cold Enough!" and a paper on homosexuality on Greek mythology called, "Hercules had a boyfriend." The note from the teacher on that one suggested that even though there was man love in Greek mythology there is a difference between love love and sexual love. Ok, Mrs. Bartholomew. From what I've seen of those Greek gods, it's clear to me that there was some hot man lovin' going on back then.

So many gays on the buses shooting downtown from their gold coast apartments. What are they doing? Shopping. Keeping up with the gay Jones.' I imagine that there are just huge drug taking, gay orgies in these tall lakefront apartment buildings at night and then during the day these boys go shopping on Michigan Ave. Perhaps they're just going to work.

My iPod died.

I have one cat named Oliver who I named after Oliver Crumz a dancer for Madonna's Blond Ambition tour. He has never beeen interested in me.

Umm, first I'm writing about cats. Second, when I told my dad I wanted to go back to school, he compared me to someone that is one of my biggest nightmares of becoming. This person shall remain nameless. (email me) It's all in good fun.

Knock on computer, I am feeling better. This happened because I am feeling more hopeful about my future, I am more involved with people and taking my medication as prescribed. I forgot about one pill that I was taking and just stopped. Pills, pills, pills. "Stable as a table."

I am not interested in Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears. Pop Culture has become very very boring. I say keep watching QVC. That's what it is all about.

Confessions Tour

For a pre thanksgiving treat, NBC has Madonna's Confession's Tour on at 7 PM tonight. Just wanted to remind you, fire up your Betamax's and DVR's!!

My favorite song from the show was "Like A Virgin." It was the song I could most easily relate to, as I am still a virgin. I am saving myself until I am able to get married legally. So that's hard.

takin care of business

I wrote to IMAX hoping they would play Madonna's "I'm Going To Tell You A Secret" concert documentary in Chicago as they did in Montreal. I received two very prompt and thorough yet regretful replies. All you can do is ask, ya know? Anyway, the DVD is out.

Still struggling with the not swallowing well thing. I almost left class and went home today but decided to stay-- after I had a NAKED fruit juice thing. Delicious and refreshing.

Walking around school is weird. I rarely ever talk to anyone throughout the day. Just me and my backpack and my cigarettes. I probably talk to more homeless people than I do students. And then I get on the bus and try and figure out what people's lives are like, real nosy. Try to see what they are reading, listening to, what they are wearing, etc. I suppose everyone does this.

Tired.

psychobabble

I am having a lot of anxiety which I am recognizing as a symptom of anger I have.

In Madonna's new documentary she reads from the Zohar. She reads, "In all my days I forgave and made peace with any man who did evil by me. Thus I did not harbor hatred all that day for the harm he did me. Moreover, from that day on, I tried to do kindness by them."

Then she says, "Can you imagine forgiving people that fucked you over...to get to the end of that day and not only forgive them but to wish them well."

I don't know anyone who I think has "done evil" by me. I don't believe that people are evil. I believe that for whatever reason, people who appear to "do evil" are doing what they think is right. They are protecting themselves or something that they think is important.

However, throughout my life I have had situations where I think I have been treated badly and am hurt by it. I'm sure that I have done the same to others. And maybe, sometimes, I have "brought it on myself."

I usually avoid, minimize and or ignore when I get hurt rather than call it out. I'm trying to get better at adressing it before I bury it in my emotional cellar where I think it will die. But, I have learned that hurt and anger does not die. It spreads like a cancer and in my case-- turns into an anxiety disorder.

So, now in a tiny, virtual, cyber way I am adressing it. Me hurting others, others hurting me. All of it.

really ripped abs

So, on Saturday morning I woke up with the mission of getting Madonnas new (not so new anymore) documentary "I'm Going To Tell You A Secret" off of my computer and on to a DVD. I decided I would buy an external DVD drive. This was my mission my, my dream. As Madonna fans we should just level with ourselves- we don't know when or if this movie will ever be released on DVD. So I thought I would be safe and buy a DVD drive and make a copy so I could watch it and force others to watch it. It has been tough but not impossible to make people sit in front of my computer. But by transferring it to DVD, I would be able to carry a copy in my backpack.

I went to Staples and purchased an external DVD drive solely with the purpose of transferring the movie off of my computer. $186.54 onto my debit card.

Well, I tried it and it didnt work. I tried a different type of dvd and it didn't work. I tried to shorten it and fuckedaround with the settings and it didn't work. I went through about six different dvds and each time I did it it took four hours to record it and never worked. It looked too pixelated and eventually froze up in my regular dvd player.

I gave up and decided we're all going to have to wait until this movie is released officially on DVD. You may remember me posing as a tv executive trying to get a screener copy from the company that holds the rights to the distribution. That failed.

So, I took the damn dvd player back and decided "Kids! We're going to Target!" I have my mom's car for a couple days. I drove around for about a year trying to find the damn Target. I eventually found the two story Target at Addison.

I bought:
some blue blue wrangler jeans
a red t-shirt
a yellow long sleeve t-shirt (that probably won't fit)
some boxer briefs (Target's "Merona" brand- which isn't sexy)
a swishy brown windbreaker (that's too big and makes me look like the homeless woman who is real shaky and talkative and asks for a cigarette and then keeps talking)
some honey roasted peanuts

then I accidentally stopped at Jewel and bought:
some Marie Callendars frozen fish dinners
garbage bags
2 cans of Pringles (1 dollar each!)
Doritos (accidentally bought the "Taco" flavor, SHIT!!!)
and

I found some bodywash called "Bod- Really Ripped Abs" for 50 cents
Hahah "Really Ripped Abs" hahahahaha, ahh
It smelled good and kind of gave me a charge. Like I was buying lube or a sex toy or something.

Anyway, because it was a clearance item and only 50 cents, they had to do a price check for my "Bod- Really Ripped Abs" bodywash. Nice. Standing there with greasy hair and without a body type that could even came close to having "really ripped abs." I had to have the manager come over and override the computer so I could buy my 50 cent "Bod- Really Ripped Abs" bodywash.

I should not be allowed to go shopping without an escort. I should have an escort like a retarted person living in a group home.

"Jeremy, no you can't buy Doritos and Pringles and a bottle of Bod bodywash. No put them back. Put them back."

better the devil you know

So, It's 5 in the am. I have another frigging speech to give. God Bless America, why do I get so nervous? I have been OBSESSING about it. What is the big deal? I would rather get on a plane with only one working engine than do this.

And, it's never really that bad, the closer I get to actually doing it. Once I'm in the classroom I'm usually ok (knock on wood). It's the week leading up to it that I can't sleep or do dishes or even look at the speech itself. It's like this terrible OCD thing I get into. Like I refuse to do things until after the speech. I will only do the dishes AFTER THE SPEECH. I will only go out and enjoy myself AFTER THE SPEECH. I torture myself. Cukoooooo!!

All the Lexapro in the world can't handle this one.

I remember on the el I saw some woman with a bag of cleaning products and she kept spraying some sort of product in the air and on the seat and then wiping down her hands with another product. She was terribly disheveled and crazy looking and just out of her mind- but she had to keep up spraying and wiping down, spraying and wiping down. What memory or image or invisible germ was she trying to clean away?

I don't do that but I do sleep for ridiculous amounts of time when I'm trying to avoid something.

I slept from 4 AM Saturday night until about 5 PM on Sunday
Got up ordered Jimmy Johns, watched the Simpsons
Went back to bed at about 8 PM
Got up at about 11 PM and have been up, in some form or another since then.

And it's all because of this speech. Then I get to a point where I don't have the energy or interest to care about it anymore.

I would go back to a therapy, but I dont know- I think I have gone to that school, enjoyed it, learned A LOT and graduated. There is only so much that talking about my past and my quirks and my destructive behavior is going to do.

"Fake it until you make it"-- Kara always says.

So, at 7 AM I will get my bag together, throw on another wonderful outfit from The Jeremy Wells Collection, put on my iPod and listen to the playlist I titled "DONE!" and just fake it. Pretend I'm ok with it all and maybe I will be.

Songs on "Done!" playlist and selected quotes...


Make Me Famous- Bette Midler
(Bette Midler speaking to God from Isn't She Great)
"CUT THE CRAP, no more bullshit! Here's the deal..I keep going, but you start helping! I can't do everything myself! C'mon! Get on the phone! NOW! Make...ME...Famous!!"

I Bow Out- Whitney Houston
"I Bow Out"

Not all me- Alanis Morissette
"It's not all me, It's not all my fault, I may remind you, but I won't take it all on"

There Won't Be Trumpets- Bernadette Peters
"Those smug little men with their smug little schemes, They forgot one thing:
The play isn't over by a long shot yet!"

I Miss You- Blink 182
"We can live like Jack and Sally if we want, Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas"

Cool- Gwen Stefani
"And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through, I know we're cool"

Better Days- Janet Jackson
"Leavin' old shit behind, And move on with my life
The blindfold's off my eyes, And now all I see for me is better days"

Nothing Fails- Madonna
"Nothing fails, No more fears, Nothing fails"

Isaac- Madonna
"Remember, remember, never forget, All of your life has all been a test
You will find the gate that's open, Even though your spirit's broken"

Recovery- Olivia Newton-John
"When I go wrong as people do, There's only me to answer to,
Nobody here to bring me down, No feelings I need step around
Trouble and care are waiting out there, But I'm alright, I'm safe tonight"

Miserabilism- Pet Shop Boys
"Deny that happiness is open as an option, And disappointment disappears overnight"

The Arms Of Orion- Prince With Sheena Easton
"God only knows where you are tonight, Maybe time will tell me,
Till then I'll close my eyes"

Hollywood U.S.A.- RuPaul
"Packin up, givin in, I can't win, Going back to start over again"

Two Door Downs- Me'Shell N'Degeocello
"Cause I cant stay inside this lonely room and cry forever.
I think Id really rather join em two doors down."

The Best- Tina Turner
"Give me a lifetime of promises and a world of dreams
Speak the language of love like you know what it means"

Running Back To You- Vanessa Williams
"Let's go."

I'll teach you how to

"Well I know from experience, that if you have to ask for something more than once or twice...It wasn't yours in the first place." Madonna, "Waiting" Erotica

I know you've been thinking about it too. Erotica WAS an overlooked album in Madonna's career. Why don't you pull it out of your cd collection and listen to it with me now. Sit down, let's talk about, really get into a meaningful discussion.

take a bow

"Madonna was shocked at a recent signing appearance to promote her children's books -- because the crowd was almost entirely made up of gay men.
The pop star expected to see a host of young children with their parents lining up to have their copy of "The Adventures Of Abdi" signed -- but only spotted one youngster during the whole session.
'It was all gay men apart from one woman with her child,' she said. 'I was so shocked.'
World Entertainment News Network

You know what, Madonna, we're just as confused as you. I remember when your first children's book came out, I bought it for the daughter of one of my best friends. I didn't read it, I just felt like I needed to purchase a copy. My friend never really commented on receiving it for her child. "Great, Madonna's children's book," she must have thought.

If you started endorsing frozen peas and had a signing at a grocery store for your frozen peas we'd all be lined up outside the grocery store to buy our bag of Madonna's Frozen Peas and to see you. I don't even like peas, but I'd be there because, like it or not, I'm a lifelong fan.

I don't think you should be shocked that only gay men showed up for your book signing. As retarted as it is, we put you where you are. We defended you from Dick Tracy to Body of Evidence to Swept Away. So why not give a little something back that doesn't require us to float around the children's section at Borders like hungry pedophiles.

Let's get to work before it's too late:

1) Let's go ahead and finish that tour documentary and cut out all the shit about the Kaballah. Let's not get all Tom Cruise right now, I don't think I can take it.

2) No more songs about how you used to be obsessed with fame and fashion but now you're seeing the light. We got the point four records ago.

3) No more movies with your husband. Find another Evita. Another extended music video movie that'll will win you an Oscar, so we can move on. Call Baz Luhrman or dig up some old Bob Fosse musical.

4) Forget adding your voice to the Puss N' Boots, Shrek sequel sequel. It's a waste of time.

5) Give us another "Into the Groove"/"Music"/"Vogue" that we can shake our sagging gay asses and overdeveloped thirtysomething/fortysomething pot bellies to. We don't have a lot of time left on the dance floor in the back until we have to take our seat at the bar in the front of the club. You know it and I know it.

Regressing

About once a year or so, I go through a pretty intense Madonna Truth or Dare fixation. It's not like I start deep throating Evian bottles or anything. I just develop a renewed interest in this movie that was so magical for me when I was about seventeen. Maybe I'm feeling lonely or scared with being an adult and want something comfortable.

When I'm watching it I try to pretend that it's the first time I'm watching it. I try to trick my brain into thinking I'm back at the Woodfield Mall theatres. My sister drove me and Kara there to see it for the first time. I think I was out of the closet by then, or at least telling people that I was "bisexual". Of course, everyone else knew I was gay.

I could barely breathe. It was going too fast. I couldn't take it all in. The gritty black and white, the purpley blue pink music numbers, the (from today's standards pretty tame) sexual titillation, seeing two hot guys kiss for the first time, etc. Madonna had me in the palm of her hand. I felt like I was the only one, that this movie was all for me, wanting everyone else to leave the theater please.

About six years later, my friend Cory (YROC), even drove me to the IMAX theatre at Navy Pier to see it. We were running late and he almost got us killed, speeding and dodging traffic on I90 so I could see three stories of Madonna. That was one of the best nights of my life.

Since then I've played it for every new friend I've ever let into my life. I try to resist. I try to not put it in my backpack when we plan a casual DVD night. But it never fails, "Oh..oh..what's this? How'd this get in here." I guess I want to see it, vicariously, through their eyes for the first time. That's a little sick I guess. Some form of forced one sided intimacy or DVD Rape.

Of course, it's never the same. With each viewing and as each year passes away from 1991, the movie gets a little sillier.

It's still a really important movie for me. Like Star Wars for a Star Wars fan or The Lord of The Rings or The Rocky Horror Picture Show or whatever. I guess everyone has these things, these movies or books or albums that had an impact on them- very important, not to be sniffed at no matter how ridiculous they seem.

I'm sorry. I got all caught up in myself there for a second. That happens from time to time. Carry on.

Click here for the trailer. (You don't have to if you don't want to)