as if i never said goodbye

had a bad dream about being in a cult. then i had another bad dream that they were making special madonna "confessions on a dancefloor" cigarettes. they had the album cover on the box and the cigarettes were purple. i was really angry because the clerk would not let me buy them for some reason. i was furious.

had easter brunch with my family at the pheasant run resort in st. charles. it was very nice in a suburban vacation desination sort of way. they had a petting zoo for the kids in the parking lot. my three nephews fed chickens and ducks and lots of other vague barnyard animals. goats? sheep? was that a donkey or some sort of retarted horse? anyway, made me want to go on vacation.

the last "vacation" i went on was with Kara to minneapolis for a spoken word convention/festival. this was about 3 years ago. we were to read stuff that we had written at different places in minneapolis. one was a coffee shop with about three people watching. i was out of my mind nervous. i got up to read and i was literally having a seizure, shaking so bad. very funny because it was seriously like reading to three people at a very empty starbucks. i was booked for another "gig" but i cancelled it. that was the last time i "performed" in public (not counting my speech class). the highlight for me was seeing the statue of mary tyler moore throwing her hat up in the air, and we went to a drag show that was pretty good.

i would really like to go to new york in may and see peter and the new sandra bernhard show. also would like to visit heather in arizona. if i had lots of money i would love to take my whole family to disneyworld. i do get very homesick on vacation s. i always want to cut it short.

also, i dont like flying.

psychobabble

I am having a lot of anxiety which I am recognizing as a symptom of anger I have.

In Madonna's new documentary she reads from the Zohar. She reads, "In all my days I forgave and made peace with any man who did evil by me. Thus I did not harbor hatred all that day for the harm he did me. Moreover, from that day on, I tried to do kindness by them."

Then she says, "Can you imagine forgiving people that fucked you over...to get to the end of that day and not only forgive them but to wish them well."

I don't know anyone who I think has "done evil" by me. I don't believe that people are evil. I believe that for whatever reason, people who appear to "do evil" are doing what they think is right. They are protecting themselves or something that they think is important.

However, throughout my life I have had situations where I think I have been treated badly and am hurt by it. I'm sure that I have done the same to others. And maybe, sometimes, I have "brought it on myself."

I usually avoid, minimize and or ignore when I get hurt rather than call it out. I'm trying to get better at adressing it before I bury it in my emotional cellar where I think it will die. But, I have learned that hurt and anger does not die. It spreads like a cancer and in my case-- turns into an anxiety disorder.

So, now in a tiny, virtual, cyber way I am adressing it. Me hurting others, others hurting me. All of it.

lets keep it confidential

Dream I was totally making out with this guy I totally shouldn't have been making out with...mmmm. Good dream.

then

I'm taping a television show with Barb slash Kara. Not Barb or Kara, a fusion of the two in one person. I don't know what the content of the show was but it was in someone's basement on a modular couch. They have these really crazy robotic arm cameras that flip around and look real simple and real difficult to operate at the same time. The producer tells me that she is fighting with her boss on her cellphone because he is not happy with the way our show is going. She tells me that the only reason she decided to do our really bad tv show was because she was sick of looking for other shows to do. She says that she is sick of the television business and just wants to go to Austria.

atomic clocks, cassettes and bad grammar

i got an atomic clock for Christmas. actually, it was a present my dad regifted to me because he already had one. it lists the current temperature and humidity in my studiopad. then it, i guess, calculates the two and decides if it's comfortable.

to indicate whether it's comfortable enough it shows a smiley face or a frowny face.

i have never received a smiley face and i fear i never will.


i just downloaded a bunch of erasure songs onto my iPod. the song "la gloria" from the album "wild!" brings back memories of this girl who worked at mcdonalds on and off. i loved her so much. she was an older and bigger girl and i thought she was hilarious. when we had an open house for our families the day before we opened we got to give our parents tours "behind the counter" at mcdonalds. she brought back her family and very dramatically said, "and this is where all the magic happens." at the time i thought this comment was so witty and fabulous.

anyway, i remember her telling me she and her friend were on the way to spring hill mall (the mall to go where we lived) and both of them were so excited by the song "la gloria" by erasure that they got in a car accident.




i failed driver's ed once and my driver's license test twice. kara did not. she was driving, like a year before i. i would always try to, and usually succeeded in dominating the cassette player in her car.

kara refused to let me play madonna's "you can dance" tape. she claimed that the album would cause her to get in a grizzly accident.

but looking back, i think she just detested this lopsided and often annoying album. but i really believed that she had some sort of psychic ability to see into the future or at least knew what madonna albums could cause car accidents. i believed her and didnt push it.

Who wants to go see a movie with me?

Who wants to go see a movie with me? I'll check my bank balance. If I don't have enough money we could just watch a movie at my house. Drink some wine (Red Tail?). I'll smoke a lot, and we can make out.

Who wants to be my boyfriend? I don't know how that would work but we could figure it out. We could both have someone to go to parties with. I'll go to therapy and you'll go to work. I'll smoke a lot, and we can make out.

Who want to get married? I'll be a good housewife, I swear. Judging by my apartment, you might think otherwise-- but I really can clean a house and I can follow a recipe very well. I'll smoke a lot, and we can make out.

Who wants to have a baby with me? We can adopt. I promise I won't go all Brooke Sheilds on the baby (she had visions of throwing the baby up against the wall). I'm good with kids until they are 3 or so and then we'll hire a nanny. I'll smoke a lot, and we can make out.

Who wants to grow old with me? We can both have someone to retire with. We'll sit on the porch and watch the sun go down. We'll read critically acclaimed books and go see a lot of theater. I'll make the reservations and we'll get dressed up. I'll smoke a lot, and we can make out.

picture i took of belmont and clark

the disgusting smell of philly's best. the lure of nationwide video's basement. the transvestites and their pimps in front of dunkin donuts. the terrible terrible service at clarke's -- but i always go back. ann sather in the morning. burning my mouth with the coffee from the starbucks on the corner. the cash station across the street that beeped a crazy loud "mug me" noise when it gave back your card. cranberries and vodkas around the corner at spin. steamworks sticky cement floors next to that. kara, hillary, melika, geoffery...

"that's...what it's about."

i lit a cigarette and i thought my tears might cause my face to catch on fire.

standing outside a car with a baby inside

There was a period in my life when it seemed I was always standing outside a car with a baby inside, smoking a cigarette. Either my sister or one of my female friends would want me to wait outside a store with a baby for a quick second while they ran in to get something. "Do you mind if I just stand outside and have a cigarette," I would ask.

So, I would be standing in a suburban parking lot leaning up against a car with a baby staring at me. The mother of the baby would take a little longer- a chance to get away for a second. If the baby cried I would try to entertain he or she through the window, sing or say silly things or make faces.

But the babies didn't put up with it for too long. They knew it was silly for me to be standing outside the car, smoking. They would get impatient with the crazy guy outside making stupid faces.

joey

Taken 10/08/05
I am drinking reheated coffee and I just took a klonipin and cried a little. I was looking through my instant message files with Joey and I thought I'd post a snippet. Hopefully he won't mind. I hope he is not in pain and is happy in whatever Tron-like dream world he's in. I pray for his safe return to our planet because I miss him too much.

joeergh (12:35:51 AM): I had fun hanging out.. and umm. i noticed you were kinda something on the "feelings" scale.. eh.. frustrated or angry or something.. and ehhh.. crap
joeergh (12:36:16 AM): okay, i'll just say, i enjoy hanging out with you and chatting and drinking and smoking and being honest.
carolynapplebee (12:36:29 AM): i do too!
carolynapplebee (12:37:17 AM): im always about the "feelings" i was a mister rogers kid-- none of that crazy sesame street business
joeergh (12:37:34 AM): hmm.
joeergh (12:37:51 AM): i liked the pinball animation on sesamee street, or was it the electric company.

b-a-n-a-n-a-s

im not going to make you feel comfortable. if you thought i was automatic, you were wrong. im very much manual- stick shift. it's going to drain every last drop out of you to get close to me. if you don't have the time or the energy, neither do i. if you realize that it's not worth the effort, let me know and move along. i don't need your kind of support.

it's not my job to make you feel comfortable. it's not an easy ride. it's going to be one hell of a project.

i will not throw another coffee cup at the wall over this one.

Kara Does Asia

My good friend Kara has invaded Southeast Asia. Feel free to comment or ask her any questions about wherever the hell she is.

Here are her notes from the other side of the world.

"Isn't this dress great? It makes her look like a dessert!"

Wouldn't it be cool if we were married and I was leaving you this note next to your coffee cup before I ran out to work. But I'm not and we're not.

Anyway, today I have a temp job putting binders together. I worked for this company before doing the same thing. It's a real hoot, nothing i like better.

I had a dream that I was helping this girl get ready for her play that she was in at my old high school. She didn't really need my help and seemed a little annoyed. Just before I woke up she showed me these wonderful Barbies she had designed as gifts for the cast. They were really cute.

I think part of the reason I had this dream was because I feel like I am in a fight with one of my friends AND because I was looking at The Rupaul Doll last night! I have a love/hate relationship with Barbies. I love them a lot, but I just can't find a place to display them. I actually gave away a lot of my Barbies (Vitametavegamin Lucy Barbie, Rosie O'Donnell Barbie, 1950's Barbie). I sort of regret doing it but they were missing stuff- Rosie was missing a shoe and 1950's Barbie was missing her microphone. (If I were to buy a Rupaul doll, the one pictured is the one I want)

Perhaps now that I have my own place I will start collecting them again. Speaking of dolls, I watched Living Dolls: The Making of a Child Beauty Queen on HBO. It's about the whole kids beauty pageant thing, very creepy but you get over that in ten minutes and turn into a stage mom wanting the girl to win at all costs. I loved it. (The title of this post came from that movie.)

I was thinking of maybe writing a little play about it, in which I could star as the child beauty pageant contestant. I also have another idea about hot guys and supermarkets. I will need some help with that, though.

P.S. (conspiracy theory) I think the Bush gang is waiting for the space shuttle to blow up and take over all news so they wont have to deal with the Karl Rove thing (that I don't really understand anyway). I don't know nothing about nothing. But come on! THE WINDOW FELL OFF!! and it was TAPED ON!

heartbeat

i know i havent been putting out a lot of positive energy on this thing lately, and i apologize. i have had a good weekend. i've hung out with all of my best friends. lots of drinkin and smokin. just the way i like it. i am grateful to have such a great group of friends who put up with me.

too many people at once

I passed by my old therapist's office today. I didn't realize I was so close to it. I felt an urge to call her, maybe make an appointment, tell her I live close to her office. Then I thought that's silly because I don't really need to see her. Then I felt a little nervous thinking, "Do I need to see her?"

I don't think so. I just wanted to see her. Maybe feeling a little lonely. Luckily, I have a job lined up for next week.

It just occured to me that it is not my responsibility to act cheerful or "together" just to make others comfortable. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being dishonest about how I really feel- pretending I'm okay with something that I'm not okay with. Like I get caught up in and begin tripping over my lies. Except they're not really lies, just misrepresentations of how I feel about things. Then I forget how I feel about things and then I get disoriented in relationships.

Yeah, I'm not sure I even understand this.

popcorn

just can't seem to get enough sleep. i missed my culture race and media class which is my favorite class.

i took the bus home from looking at an apartment on monday in lakeview. i looked in the window of the assisted living center on clark. an old woman was having an early 5:00 dinner. i identifed with her more than i did with the shiny happy gay boys walking up and down broadway. i wondered if i should have been looking at apartments in the assisted living center.

when kara was gone over the weekend i was up late watching tv. thought it would be a good idea to make a bag of popcorn. i looked at the back of the bag and vaguely noticed that it said four minutes. i had made bags of popcorn many times before in this microwave and there is even a popcorn button that cooks bags of popcorn perfectly.

still, i set the microwave for four minutes. my mind somewhere else. i went back to the television. after about three minutes i noticed a terrible smell coming from the microwave. stupidly, i ran to the microwave and opened the door. brown, greasy popcorn smoke poured out of the microwave filling the entire apartment.

i have tried all the online remedies for this. and although the smell has dissipated a little, this event really fucked me up this week. i can't get away from this mistake i made. it's everywhere. everything smells like burnt popcorn, even if it really doesn't.

i have to buy a new microwave. it wasn't mine, it's karas. i have to wait for the refund for my loan for school to do that. i worry that my landlord will sue me for smoke damage, but i don't think it's that bad. still i'm terrified. i'm always thinking about my burnt popcorn.

joey said that maybe it was a wake up call for something. maybe that i should get out of the house. which is interesting. i think it's more that my mind is somewhere else. im a ninety year old woman trying to make a bag of popcorn and setting the house on fire.

Rob.Andy.Fantasy.Baby

This Sunday, I allowed Rob and Andy, two dear friends of mine, up to my penthouse on the top of my beautifully phallic building in downtown Chicago. Because of my very serious, yet wonderfully trendy condition, agoraphobia, I hadn't let anyone into my inner sanctum in months.

I took two Xanax and answered the door. To my surprise, Rob and Andy greeted me with a bottle of champagne, fresh squeezed orange juice and a fresh pack of Camel Lights. Mimosas and cigarettes on a Sunday morning, perfect! Those two always think of everything.

As we settled into my big expensive overstuffed leather couches they said that they wanted to know, needed to know more about me. They asked if I wouldn't mind if they asked questions to try and, I don't know, I guess probe my mind.

"Jesus! Isn't "The Jeremy Show" enough? How much more can I give to you people?" I wanted to tell them to get out. I'm not some sort of lab rat, some sort of genius lab rat that you can try and coax through little mazes so you can learn more about yourselves. All I get from it is a little piece of cheese at the end (or a mimosa), while you benefit from the insight from someone who has seen it all, done it all, been through the mill and emerged from the other side tattered and ripped.

I don't usually allow such nonsense, but since they had been so kind by bringing me gifts and because I was so high on anti anxiety medications, I relented, "Fire Away."

Rob started the questioning. I could tell by the look in his eyes that no answer I could give him would ever be enough. He didn't just want to know what I thought about whatever question it was that he dreamed up. No, he wanted to hold my energy, my spirit so close to him that it would eventually smother me, like a deranged mother with a baby. I would not allow him to possess me.

"What do you hope to do this summer?" he asked.

"I want to drink beer and make out with someone in a pool -at the same time, in the pool. I'll wear a t-shirt so I won't feel too self conscious. Sheryl Crow will play on a radio somewhere. It will be very 'The Real World: Miami.' Just to feel the sun on my body and a little buzz from a Heineken or something."

"What is one thing about homosexuality that you just DON'T understand?" he continued.

"I can't think of anything I don't understand. I think I'm pretty good at understanding why people do the things they do. I guess, I don't like bitchy, judgmental gay men. I don't think I am this way. Please let me know if I am. I just don't like people who aren't nice. People should be nice, at least at first."

"If someone gave you $10,000, what would you do with it?"

"Assuming that school and rent were paid for- I would buy a new computer, an iPod, a video camera and take my whole family (including sister, brother-in-law and 3 nephews) to Disneyworld. That should do it."

Then Rob asked me to list five things that I think are just great. Like Oprah's "O List." Except it would be the "J" list.

"Queen Helene Mint Julep Masque, it's a real thick green cooling mask that makes your face tingle a little bit.I don't know if it really does anything but it feels good. You can pretend you are an aging movie star, terrified of wrinkles, clinging to your youth." $3.29, Walgreens

"Febreeze! I am starting to use it again and it reminds me of my old apartment because I used it a lot there. You should use it now and then stop and then start again and it will remind you of now (unless you don't want to be reminded of now)." $2.49 Walgreens

"RC Cola, you can get a three liter for the less then the price of a two liter and I can't tell the difference. I just need some sort of Cola beverage to have on hand at all times. So, when I'm low on money I'll buy the three liter of RC rather than regular Coke." $1.59 Sahars Liquor

"Love.Angel.Music.Baby by Gwen Stefani. It's just the CD I've been waiting for. Pop Music. Good old tingly pop music. Like a record that someone forgot to release in the eighties 'Hollaback Girl' rocks my world." $10.99 Amazon.com

"Live from New York: An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live' is what I'm reading right now. I can't put it down." by James A. Miller and Tom Shales $10.85, Amazon.com

Then Rob asked, "Which foods do you like and hate the most and why?"

"I can't stand mushrooms of any kind. That borders on a phobia. Like I will freak out if there is something I'm eating and I discover that there are mushrooms in it. I love cheese. I really do."

After Rob finished with his questions, Andy, now drunk from the five mimosas he had while Rob interrogated me, started the questioning.

"Since I was very small, I have had moments when, in my mind, I am like Lynda Carter in Wonder Woman: as graceful, beautiful, and poised. What female celebrity do you (most often) feel like?"

"To this day, if I am walking up or down stairs, the orchestral beginning of 'Papa Don't Preach' plays in my head. I am Madonna from that video. I have short bleached hair with a striped shirt and I'm trying to decide if I'm keeping my baby. There is a scene in the video when she is walking up a big staircase, I think that's why it happens when I am walking up or down stairs."

"Which do you crave more, sugar or salt?" Andy asked, pouring himself yet another mimosa.

"Salt. Salt. Salt. Chips, Cheese, Cheetos. Although, recently, I have really been into Slurpees from 7/11. There is nothing better than a bag of Cheetos and a Slurpee and a cigarette. Heaven."

"If you could arrange a dinner for four -- you and any three other people (living or dead) -- whom would you invite?"

"Okay, I think I would invite people that would get me and people that I would feel comfortable around, people that wouldn't get all weird if I had a panic attack or needed to smoke throughout dinner. So, Rosie O'Donnell, Carrie Fisher and Robert Downey Jr. who I would seduce when Rosie and Carrie went home."

"Where were you when the Challenger exploded and what (if anything) do you remember about it?"

"I was in my fourth grade class at Laneview Elementary in San Jose, CA. The principal came into the classroom and announced it and then we were all taken into the library to watch it blow up again and again. At the time, I didn't think I knew what to make of it, the importance of it, etc. But I started to get obsessed with it a little and ended up doing my Women's History Month project on Christa McAuliffe which one first place. Or third place, anyway it one an award."

By this time, Andy was wasted. He was drinking champagne straight from the bottle. I could barely understand his last question, "Who is your movie boyfriend and why?"

"It's always Robert Downey Jr. but I don't know from which movie. Probably 'Less than Zero.' I wanted to be the one to hold him while he suffered from withdrawal of crack or whatever it was that he was addicted to. So tragic, so beautiful."

At this point we were all pretty much passed out. Rob and Andy were asleep on the couch, I was on the floor, my face in small puddle of drool. "Real nice", I thought as I drifted to sleep, "Come to my beautiful apartment, interview me and then fall asleep." All in all it was a good way to spend a sunday morning/afternoon. I think we all learned a lot- about me -which is really the important thing when you get down to it, isn't it?

easter morning conversation with joey

Joey (9:27:48 AM): speaking of crucification, im expecting jesus to pop up at any moment now. sheesh it is 9:25 am, where the hell is he? LOL
Jeremy (9:27:56 AM): hahaha
Jeremy (9:28:24 AM): he stopped off at starbucks maybe? maybe hes picking up some lattes
Jeremy (9:28:26 AM): for us
Joey (9:29:10 AM): possibly, but i see his magnificence as a tea drinker.
Joey (9:29:15 AM): perhaps some earl grey?
Jeremy (9:29:23 AM): mmm, yeah
Jeremy (9:30:34 AM): his flights been delayed, hes on the el and "crews are working on the track ahead"
Joey (9:30:58 AM): bwoop bwoop bwoop
Jeremy (9:31:03 AM): hahahahaha
Jeremy (9:33:17 AM): we're waiting patiently though, like we have been for thousands of years
Joey (9:33:46 AM): right.
Joey (9:33:52 AM): a few more minutes won't hurt.
Jeremy (9:33:56 AM): ha
Joey (9:34:11 AM): But damn, how long does he stick around? he keeps popping up around this time of the year.. LOL
Jeremy (9:35:10 AM): his images on pieces of toast-- keeps teasing us
Joey (9:35:20 AM): oy
Jeremy (11:48:58 AM): HAPPY EASTER!
Joey (11:49:17 AM): u too. did you see jesus?
Jeremy (11:49:37 AM): not yet, but i have my eyes peeled
Joey (11:51:11 AM): RIGHT ON! lol

a fag and his hag

This is from a play my best friend (and roommate) Kara and I wrote and performed together at the Heartland Studio in Chicago. The play was about our friendship which started in sixth grade. We did this before I got the balls to move to Chicago. In May, Kara and I are moving out seperately and I will miss her terribly.

This is what she said about me towards the end of the play.

"I have this recurring fantasy that Jeremy lives here in Chicago with me. He works at an ad agency in the loop so we take lunch breaks together where we laugh about fax machine etiquette and co-workers outfits. In the evening, we go for a run by the lake, stop by The Pleasure Chest and laugh at the sex toys, then come back to the apartment and cook some Thai food. He gives me snappy energizing life advice you can only get from a homosexual. We take vacations together to Miami and Scottsdale and stay with old friends.

But that's not Jeremy and that's not my kind of faggot. I like homosexuals geeky, loose and out of control. And that Jeremy is. If he's not checking himself into a mental hospital once a year, well then I don't know who I'm dealing with."

Just want to give a shout out to Kara for dragging me kicking and screaming out to Chicago which changed my life. Thank you Karadear.

well adjusted

I am very suspicious right now. Things are going on behind my back that I can't even begin to understand.

An architecture of lies that, somehow, hasn't toppled over onto itself. People trying to carbonate their flat, syrupy lives. Trying to shake up a Coke bottle and make it explode.

But I'm getting it all down. I'm creeping around at night taking notes, like Harriet the Spy.

The hidden agendas spoken of casually when you think I'm out of earshot. I'm never out of earshot. I've got bugs and cameras and hackers working for me around the clock. I'm crunching numbers and checking coordinates and they don't add up.

I'm doing secret experiments late into the night with monkees and mice and electrodes. I'm charting, graphing, listening, observing. I'm carefully mixing chemicals and recording the reactions while the rest of the world sleeps.

It's not going to get by me this time. I'm not going to give into it. I'm not going to be tricked again. I'm not a pawn in your game. I'm not a seatholder at your Oscars. Whatever kind of voodoo that you do so well is not going to work very well this time.

from this moment

Yesterday, I was outside smoking on a break from my science class. A very cute (not hot-cute, more hello kitty-cute) gay guy walked passed and bumped into who I assume was a former teacher.

"Hey we've got to stop running into each other like this."
"How are you doing, you're not in any of my classes this semester."

They went on in easy breezy conversation. I thought if it was me running into an old teacher I wouldn't stop. Maybe a quick "Hi, how are you." But no extended conversation, that could be disastrous. I don't want to do that to myself or anyone else.

So, after exchanging pleasantries, this guy said he was excited because he was planning to go to California and get married to his boyfriend of three and a half years. The teacher became very excited, "Oh my god, that's great, CONGRATULATIONS!!" I wondered if, despite the excitement she demonstrated, she felt a little sick to her stomach. I'm gay and I felt queasy.

Then he went on in nauseating detail about how they were getting some special friend to do the ceremony and how he couldn't believe this was happening to him and how strange life is, one moment you think you are all alone, the next your going to California to have a commitment ceremony.

Yuck.

I know that most or all of my disgust comes from jealousy. I wish I was registering at Target. I wish I had a boyfriend, lover, partner, companion.

People who aren't in relationships are annoyed by those that are. We're happy for you, about as happy as we are for the person that won the lottery. We are the ones sitting, smoking and rolling our eyes (as Kara said last night). Give us that. Let us own that. That's all we have.

I was reading Family Circle or Woman's Day or something at my parent's house and there was this quiz that rated your attractiveness based on questions like, "Do you exercise? Do you take care of your body? Are you passionate about what you do? Are you focused?" No, Piss off.

We'll get there. Just give us a minute!