This Sunday, I allowed Rob and Andy, two dear friends of mine, up to my penthouse on the top of my beautifully phallic building in downtown Chicago. Because of my very serious, yet wonderfully trendy condition, agoraphobia, I hadn't let anyone into my inner sanctum in months.
I took two Xanax and answered the door. To my surprise, Rob and Andy greeted me with a bottle of champagne, fresh squeezed orange juice and a fresh pack of Camel Lights. Mimosas and cigarettes on a Sunday morning, perfect! Those two always think of everything.
As we settled into my big expensive overstuffed leather couches they said that they wanted to know, needed to know more about me. They asked if I wouldn't mind if they asked questions to try and, I don't know, I guess probe my mind.
"Jesus! Isn't "The Jeremy Show" enough? How much more can I give to you people?" I wanted to tell them to get out. I'm not some sort of lab rat, some sort of genius lab rat that you can try and coax through little mazes so you can learn more about yourselves. All I get from it is a little piece of cheese at the end (or a mimosa), while you benefit from the insight from someone who has seen it all, done it all, been through the mill and emerged from the other side tattered and ripped.
I don't usually allow such nonsense, but since they had been so kind by bringing me gifts and because I was so high on anti anxiety medications, I relented, "Fire Away."
Rob started the questioning. I could tell by the look in his eyes that no answer I could give him would ever be enough. He didn't just want to know what I thought about whatever question it was that he dreamed up. No, he wanted to hold my energy, my spirit so close to him that it would eventually smother me, like a deranged mother with a baby. I would not allow him to possess me.
"What do you hope to do this summer?" he asked.
"I want to drink beer and make out with someone in a pool -at the same time, in the pool. I'll wear a t-shirt so I won't feel too self conscious. Sheryl Crow will play on a radio somewhere. It will be very 'The Real World: Miami.' Just to feel the sun on my body and a little buzz from a Heineken or something."
"What is one thing about homosexuality that you just DON'T understand?" he continued.
"I can't think of anything I don't understand. I think I'm pretty good at understanding why people do the things they do. I guess, I don't like bitchy, judgmental gay men. I don't think I am this way. Please let me know if I am. I just don't like people who aren't nice. People should be nice, at least at first."
"If someone gave you $10,000, what would you do with it?"
"Assuming that school and rent were paid for- I would buy a new computer, an iPod, a video camera and take my whole family (including sister, brother-in-law and 3 nephews) to Disneyworld. That should do it."
Then Rob asked me to list five things that I think are just great. Like Oprah's "O List." Except it would be the "J" list.
"Queen Helene Mint Julep Masque, it's a real thick green cooling mask that makes your face tingle a little bit.I don't know if it really does anything but it feels good. You can pretend you are an aging movie star, terrified of wrinkles, clinging to your youth." $3.29, Walgreens
"Febreeze! I am starting to use it again and it reminds me of my old apartment because I used it a lot there. You should use it now and then stop and then start again and it will remind you of now (unless you don't want to be reminded of now)." $2.49 Walgreens
"RC Cola, you can get a three liter for the less then the price of a two liter and I can't tell the difference. I just need some sort of Cola beverage to have on hand at all times. So, when I'm low on money I'll buy the three liter of RC rather than regular Coke." $1.59 Sahars Liquor
"Love.Angel.Music.Baby by Gwen Stefani. It's just the CD I've been waiting for. Pop Music. Good old tingly pop music. Like a record that someone forgot to release in the eighties 'Hollaback Girl' rocks my world." $10.99 Amazon.com
"Live from New York: An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live' is what I'm reading right now. I can't put it down." by James A. Miller and Tom Shales $10.85, Amazon.com
Then Rob asked, "Which foods do you like and hate the most and why?"
"I can't stand mushrooms of any kind. That borders on a phobia. Like I will freak out if there is something I'm eating and I discover that there are mushrooms in it. I love cheese. I really do."
After Rob finished with his questions, Andy, now drunk from the five mimosas he had while Rob interrogated me, started the questioning.
"Since I was very small, I have had moments when, in my mind, I am like Lynda Carter in Wonder Woman: as graceful, beautiful, and poised. What female celebrity do you (most often) feel like?"
"To this day, if I am walking up or down stairs, the orchestral beginning of 'Papa Don't Preach' plays in my head. I am Madonna from that video. I have short bleached hair with a striped shirt and I'm trying to decide if I'm keeping my baby. There is a scene in the video when she is walking up a big staircase, I think that's why it happens when I am walking up or down stairs."
"Which do you crave more, sugar or salt?" Andy asked, pouring himself yet another mimosa.
"Salt. Salt. Salt. Chips, Cheese, Cheetos. Although, recently, I have really been into Slurpees from 7/11. There is nothing better than a bag of Cheetos and a Slurpee and a cigarette. Heaven."
"If you could arrange a dinner for four -- you and any three other people (living or dead) -- whom would you invite?"
"Okay, I think I would invite people that would get me and people that I would feel comfortable around, people that wouldn't get all weird if I had a panic attack or needed to smoke throughout dinner. So, Rosie O'Donnell, Carrie Fisher and Robert Downey Jr. who I would seduce when Rosie and Carrie went home."
"Where were you when the Challenger exploded and what (if anything) do you remember about it?"
"I was in my fourth grade class at Laneview Elementary in San Jose, CA. The principal came into the classroom and announced it and then we were all taken into the library to watch it blow up again and again. At the time, I didn't think I knew what to make of it, the importance of it, etc. But I started to get obsessed with it a little and ended up doing my Women's History Month project on Christa McAuliffe which one first place. Or third place, anyway it one an award."
By this time, Andy was wasted. He was drinking champagne straight from the bottle. I could barely understand his last question, "Who is your movie boyfriend and why?"
"It's always Robert Downey Jr. but I don't know from which movie. Probably 'Less than Zero.' I wanted to be the one to hold him while he suffered from withdrawal of crack or whatever it was that he was addicted to. So tragic, so beautiful."
At this point we were all pretty much passed out. Rob and Andy were asleep on the couch, I was on the floor, my face in small puddle of drool. "Real nice", I thought as I drifted to sleep, "Come to my beautiful apartment, interview me and then fall asleep." All in all it was a good way to spend a sunday morning/afternoon. I think we all learned a lot- about me -which is really the important thing when you get down to it, isn't it?
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