candy and ribbons

I want a thing to play my iPod on. The one I had, an alarm clock variety, stopped working.
I want the two Bette Davis video collections I don't have. I have the first one.
I want a McGriddle.
I want to go to New York to visit Kara and see Mary Poppins, Xanadu, August: Osage County.
I want to see Grey Gardens, the estate in the Hamptons.
I want a new sound system for my computer.
I want to see Tina Turner, Bette Midler, Cher, Kathy Griffin and Sandra Bernhard in concert.
I want the Deluxe Hard Candy CD that comes with real candy inside.
I want a couple new bookshelves.
I want to buy my boyfriend Disney things.
I want a haircut.
I want an intervention.
I want lots of new clothes.

roETRY

un hommage à Madam O'Donnell

today
emotionally exhausting
wanted to walk
run
away

terrified of
driving
writing
speaking
disappointing
losing

such
wonderful
friends
hes and shes
lift me
up and put
humpty
back
to
ge
th
er
again

fallen off
the wall so
many damn times

"cant get a leg up!"
she makes me smile wide
serotonin begins to
bubble again

laughing about
valerie cherish
"we're gonna have a BIG problem!"

here to finish
what
I
began in a tiny
room at 2324
next to the
pizza hut
that never failed
to make me sick

one goal
one goal
almost done

i am not here
to be a star
not here to be
famous

never
ever
said i was

so lets keep it
at that

and go to
see
disney
princesses
with e
because
hes
so
fine
he
blows
my
mind

romances that never were and never will be

sleeping in his sisters bed. thinking about him and not understanding the emotions i was having but knowing that something was really turning me on.
waiting for him to come back so we could do more of what we had done before.
orchestrating some sort of event just to be close to him.
laying in bed crying with pink christmas lights all over my room. my twentysomething world was shaken to its core.
thinking that i lost him. so happy i didnt.

I'm hurt.
When they invented so many different ways to kill people.
Things change.
They want to feel safe.
I think you know.
In a different place.
Nope, but you can't undo anything ever really.
It makes some people safer and it kills the other people.
No, but some things are not logical.
I do that too.
Everyone thinks they got the last laugh.
Life isn't ruled by logic.
A word to describe feeling.
Wonderful.
Seeing the flames.
You don't like musicals.
You are speaking Japanese.
No. But sex isn't always really good.
When you aren't outside.
Hot, sweaty, sexy, fun.
Hot, sweaty, sexy, fun.
I don't think you ever know, but I'm not one to ask.
Weight lifted off shoulders.
Because it's cold.
You can't, they have to. Alcohol helps.
No, work on yourself and enjoy others for what they are.
I do that too. Nostalgia, I think.
The head, I think.
Both.
Yes.
Yes.
Try not to hurt others.
Your head.
Your head.
Forever.
No.
No.

I get by faking my recovery

I want to have parties.
I want to have a boyfriend.
I want to- want to stop smoking.
I want to live in a little bungalow in the Los Angeles. So I can have afternoon visits from my very hilarious friends. They love me and I love them.
I want to do crazy drag acts.
I want to live near the ocean or a lake.
I want to thank everyone who has ever helped me, been there for me.
I want my parents to live forever.
I want to go to Studio 54 in the seventies and do coke and have crazy sex and not worry that I will die.
I love Chicago, but I want more- bigger. I want the whole world to be a city.

sedaris

He's a culinary David Sedaris!
He's part David Sedaris part Mike Tyson.
A black female David Sedaris.
Like "Birth of a Nation" directed by David Sedaris.

to do list

To Do:

-wash blankets, sheets, etc
-dishes
-clean bathroom floor with a mixture of ammonia and bleach (kidding) just bleach
-clean toilet, my goodness
"stop the press, who's that? Vicky Vale, Vicky Vale, Vicky Vale, ooo yeah, ooo yeah, i wanna bust that body"
(sorry got caught up in batdance playing on my itunes)
hahaha, hillary and i were looking at the karaoke selections at the hidden cove and batdance was one of the selections, can you imagine singing batdance at a karaoke bar-"Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman...Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman"
back to the to do list
-pay credit card
-pay cable bill
-lose weight
-email teacher about tips on pitching tv show to guy next thursday done
-sanitize kitchen
-spray some goddam lysol, for pete's sake
-straighten up books
-dust
-vacuum
-clean up couch

"you got to want to give to get it. or you could land up in the same suspicious hell" -pet shop boys, "before"

i lit a cigarette and i thought my tears might cause my face to catch on fire.

Can't we shake it up a little?

Rather than hearing people say

"I LOVE Motown."
"I love The Gap."
"I LOVE Kahlua."
"Oh, I love Jim Carrey."
"I love The Olive Garden."

I'd rather hear

"I love heroin."
"I LOVE when you slap me."
"I love the smell of your socks."

sentences from my journals

I've spent my life swimming with sleeping pills inside a glass of champagne on Marilyn Monroe's nightstand.

We can't go in there because she's in a bad mood.

It wasn't easy establishing myself as Cincinnati's most powerful shoe salesman.

About two and half Madonna singles have gone by since we last spoke.

I'm a little bit Star Jones and a little bit Kurt Cobain.

I never say things like, "That is TOO funny!"

If my medication didn't prevent me from experiencing emotions, I would cry right now.

Today is the fourteenth because yesterday was the thirteenth, I remember because I wrote the date on a bad check yesterday.

As with any of my work, my intentions are not simply to entertain, but to change the world and feed the hungry.

Columbine! The Musical was never a good idea, no matter how much I thought, through the magic of music and satire, it might open people's eyes to the need for gun control in America.

The McDonald's Christmas party sucked.

dejection

here's to the straight single guys with big bellys and dockers who work in offices
who are balding
who are into asian women
who are moderately tech-savvy
who think that they will never get married
whose weekends consist of blockbuster nights
who have large collections of porn on their computers
whose apartments or condos are conservatively decorated in hopes of a lady visitor

i would date you if i was an asian lady
but i'm not

i see you
you exist
you are sexy
although not typically considered so

it's a beautiful

drink coffee
smoke last cigarette of the pack
pack bag for school
leave house at 6:30 ish
detour to Jewel to see if I can use their Coinstar machine to cash in my pennies for spending cash (cigarettes)

that's what it's all about

eat
drink
smoke
go places
do things
repeat

Ode to 2324

When I met you, I hated you
I wanted to go back and live with my parents
But the die had been cast

That first summer was hot and hard
I would soak a towel and stay in bed
with the fan on and wonder how I ended up with you.

You smelled bad
dog shit
wet cardboard

Somewhere along the line i fell in love with you
despite your ridiculousness

I spent a good winter with you
and was prepared to spend another

But you have to leave me
and I am sad

I will remember you and love you always

Jeremy