Blueberry Mini-Tarts and the Anti-Depressant Solution

As a treat for a wonderful Sunday evening at Ravinia, I decided to make Martha Stewart's Blueberry Mini Tarts.

I am also reading and trying to follow The Antidepressant Solution. My experience has been very difficult.

The crust, if I am not mistaken, is a Pate Sucree meaning there is sugar in it. I like it much better than the Pate Brisee which has no sugar and is too floury tasting for my liking.

FutureSexLoveShow

Feeling emotionally fragile like a china doll. A broken dusty figurine of a man on the shelf. Boring myself with my analogies. Trying to describe a very New England pain. I'm in a yellow wallpapered bell jar. A story told a thousand times, mostly by privileged white women. Where is the book about me? I'm certainly in no condition to write it.

Watching Justin Timberlake on DVD. The FutureSexLoveShow, I believe it's called. What talent and optimism and soul. Gives me goosebumps. In slacks and white shirt and vest. Grabbing his twentysomething package, the crowd screams. There is such hope in that crotch. Such potential.

Eating Ritz crackers with feta cheese and ham for dinner now. Disgusting. Stomach issues now. Feeling hopeless.

These men on the train home from work. Different versions of Justin at different ages. In their ironed slacks. I can't help but fixate. Every day a new one. They are undoubtedly disturbed by the pained look I must give them. Wrinkling my brow, trying to understand how they got wherever they are. I want to be them. Do they ever want to be me? Certainly they are not interested in the hairstyle. This is an ongoing problem. Who do they want to be? They want money probably and sex. They want to feel safe or make others feel safe. They are hungry.

After the work day is done, I just want to sleep. I refuse the offers coming from no one- going out for a drink after work. "No, Thank You." Just sleep. And when I say sleep I mean go home and hide. And by that I mean watch a Justin Timberlake concert DVD ordered from Netflix.

lemon meltaways

I begrudgingly made some lemon meltaways to try and cheer myself up. Real down, kids. I'm not a fan of powdered sugared covered things but I had all the ingredients in my apartment so, you know, why not? They are real tart. Sort of like a lemon sour patch kid. The recipe was from Martha Stewart but she suggested lime. I don't have any lime so I used lemon. I still have another "log" of dough in the freezer that I can bring out to slice and bake when I have "guests."

I am real hot. On fire. Andropause.

you came up with the breeze...

french toast souflee from roseanne barr! this is precooked. after it was cooked there was no time to take a picture. delicious but a little runny in the middle.




marthas citrus bars, again a little undercooked. pissed me off.

couldnt you just die with that lip color and that blond hair!

Sex and the City Cupcakes

Yesterday I made cupcakes from The Magnolia Bakey, as featured in Lazy Sunday and the Sex and the City episode, "No Ifs, Ands, or Butts."

As I said in my last post, I am not a huge fan of cupcakes but these were pretty good.



Unbaked. I was nervous about how much to put in-- not familiar with how much the batter was going to rise.



They were fine but looked sort of boring. They tasted ok. Very light touch of vanilla and not too heavy, not too sweet. Definitely not created by Miss Paula Dean.



I went ahead and decorated with Magnolia's Vanilla Buttercream Frosting (basically powdered sugar, butter and milk). That was really fun. Erik suggested some Martha Stewart sanding sugar. Delicious. They reminded me of a Wayne Thiebaud painting.



Again, I ate too many and looking at them makes me want to throw up. Really not interested in going to work. I have to work 11-7. I would rather work my regular 9 to 5.

Chunky Apple Muffins

Last night, I made Martha's Chunky Apple Muffins and thought I'd let you know.




I used three different kinds of apples: Fuji, Macintosh and Gala. The recipe called for Granny Smith but I wanted to mix it up a little. Plus, I'm liking the way the red apples look these days for some reason.



I had to use these foil muffin tins because I don't have my own muffin tins. This made me a little nervous.



But they turned out great I think. A nice red apple slice for garnish.





I've eaten five of them. That's gross. But they are pretty good.

Tonight I will attempt to make Magnolia Bakery's Vanilla Buttercream cupcakes as seen on Sex and The City. Thanks to Kara for the tip. I want to see what all the fuss is about. I am not a big cupcake fan, but we'll see.

I am watching "The Star" with Bette Davis. This is how I feel at my new job.

"Take a good look ladies, so theres no doubt. Jeremy Wells waiting on a couple of old bags like you..It is Jeremy Wells. I'm going back where I belong, I am Jeremy Wells! And I intend to stay Jeremy Wells!"

Luscious Lime Cheesecake!

I went ahead and made the Luscious Lime Cheesecake from Paula Deen's first cookbook- The Lady and Sons Savannah Country Cookbook. I received these wonderful Martha Stewart Melamine bowls from my beautiful boyfriend for Christmas so I put them to use.



So pretty they make me want to cry.




Had to do dishes first. So gross.






The cream cheese got completely clumped into the mixer (also a gift, from parents.) Should have let it come to room temperature first.


Making the lime zest and juice.



Mixing it all up-- it had lime juice, zest, sweetened condensed milk three eggs. I think that's it.



Ready for the oven.







While it baked, I sugared the lime garnish with Martha Stewart Sanding Sugar (also a gift from the cutest boy in the world).





...and done.

I had a big ol' piece with some Cool Whip (as Paula Deen recommended) and seriously thought I was going into a sugar coma. It was really really good though. A small piece would have been fine. She asked that you just spread the whole tub of Cool Whip on. I didn't think it was a good idea. I added double the lime juice-- I would have added even more. I need more lime and less vanilly.

Ritz Mints!

Yesterday I made some delicious Ritz Mints (courtesy of Martha Stewart) as a gift for a treasured friend. They are so easy-- recipe is here. I have always been excited by using things like corn flakes or Potato chips or whatever to make other things. Really turns me on, don't know why.



Just some Ritz




And some Chocolate with Mint





Cooling




Boxed Up



Ready to deliver to a festive holiday gathering where you can't drink because you're on antidepressants that aren't working.

made a cake tonight 2

Tonight I got off my white ass and walked through the icy drizzle to my local Walgreens. I wanted to make Amy Sedaris' Huella's Chocolate Cake. Really getting into cooking and crafting lately. Can't get enough of it.

I'm a loyal customer to my Walgreens as there is no other place to buy foodstuffs and sundries in my neighborhood. There is a colorful cast of characters in this place that must like their jobs, because I don't see a lot of turnover. There is a very nice FTM trans gentleman, he is not the manager but he "can help you with whatever you need." I know because I asked for a manager to find out if it was really true that I could not buy cigarettes with my prescriptions and he told me gently but firmly that it was against their policy. Well there policy must have changed because I've been doing it since I lived here. They must have put a memo up about me. There are three very cranky ladies who I don't get along with. One is the "Beauty Advisor." Now I don't want to get mean, but she must follow the "do as I say, not as I do" philosophy. Maybe she's so burned out giving Walgreens beauty advice that she doesn't have anytime left for herself. All in all they are a very capable crew and I have had no problems. My favorite pharmacy tech is this beautiful woman who I think I really connect with. She is very motherly and smart. We kind of exchange these glances like we both "get it," you know?

Anyway so here are some pics of Amy Sedaris' Huella's Chocolate Cake. A very small cake that I used a too-big bundt pan for because I realized I didn't have another pan. I used Hershey's REAL DARK for the chocolate-- Um... F'ing Delicious!! I grated what I had left over the top.



Smoked a cigarette while mixin', ain't gonna hurt it none.


Could not get the damn thing out. Had to force it. I know all the tricks but it wasn't budging.



So it broke apart a little.


Mmmmm. Frosting made it better.


Throw a sequined poinsettia on it and call it a day.

eat

i just devoured 2 grilled cheeses with ham, prepared on my george foreman grill (christmas present from my sister). on the side i had ranch dipping sauce for the sandwiches. i have been very into dipping sauces lately. yesterday, i had a late lunch with my man companion erik at burger king. i had a chicken sandwich with onion rings. i dipped my onion rings AND my sandwich in the onion ring sauce. im feeling the need to lubricate bread lately-- too dry. i am becoming very neurotic with bread. i remember there was some girl on montel once that had a fear of bread. i now have this fear. i feel like its always on the verge of becoming moldy. i can never finish a loaf of bread. i use 2-4 slices and then feel like the rest is contaminated and it goes in the garbage. i feel safe when the bread is toasted (as in the aforementioned sandwiches). golly, this is not what i came to write about.

2 cokes 1 sprite

My teacher emailed me to ask me if I could bring in something for an end-of-semester potluck party for the class. I really struggled with what to bring. I emailed her back- "Pop?" She said "Great, Thanks!"

I felt really uncomfortable with my decision. What is this third grade? "I'll bring pop!" Stupid, I'm so stupid. Why did I say that?

I have had such low self esteem lately that the simple act of bringing a beverage to a classroom party sent me into a tailspin. I went to the 7-11 and almost started crying. Do people even drink pop? Is that totally stupid? And what do I pick out? Coke? Diet Coke? It all started seeming so ridiculous to me.

I chose to buy 2 Coke and 1 Sprite 2 liters. Would people laugh at my choices? It just seemed so ridiculous. "What's with the Sprite, dork?"

I went to class and had my bags of coca cola and sprite and 2 sleeves of styrofoam cups. Jesus Christ! Big fat Styrofoam cups. "Nice cups, asshole. Why'd you get THESE." I wanted to put the bags on a table and sit down quickly so no one would notice what idiot brought them in. There was no table. I had to sit with my two bags at my desk.

Eventually, we set out all the bags of chips and assorted junk food on desks that were pushed together. People started making little plates of chips and to my surprise they started filling their cups with coke and sprite. No one cackled in laughter. No one said "Whoever brought the coke is really stupid!" People simply drank the coke.

I looked around after awhile and many people had styrofoam cups filled with what I bought at the 7-11. They didn't seem to think it was abnormal or stupid in anyway.

It was seriously one of the nicest things that happened all week.

pizza guy

just before i woke up- bad dream of some sort and then dream of sandra bernhard with really short hair. need to leave the house.

ordered a pizza last night at 10 pm and the man delivering had the nerve to come into my apartment so he could find something on which to rub an impression of my credit card. lots of small talk coming only from him, "nice little place you got here," "it's really snowing out." he was distracted by "Reno 911" which I was watching and then finally decided upon the top of my computer monitor to do the rubbing. i don't know if the snow comment was supposed to make me want to give him a bigger tip. didn't work on me.

he told me to fill out "every line" on the credit card slip. yes sir. $21.32 on a disgusting pizza that i had to reheat in my own oven, which involved climbing on a chair and taking the battery out of my smoke detector. the pizza was still gross.

i have been really into lifetime original movies, so i found one to watch as i fell asleep. joanna kerns in "mother knows best" IMDB Plot Description-A woman urges her daughter to get married. And when her daughter does, she doesn't think that she made a good choice. So she goes out and hires a killer to kill her son-in-law. pretty typical plot outline for lifetime original movies but Joanna Kerns as a murderess really didn't do anything for me.

really ripped abs

So, on Saturday morning I woke up with the mission of getting Madonnas new (not so new anymore) documentary "I'm Going To Tell You A Secret" off of my computer and on to a DVD. I decided I would buy an external DVD drive. This was my mission my, my dream. As Madonna fans we should just level with ourselves- we don't know when or if this movie will ever be released on DVD. So I thought I would be safe and buy a DVD drive and make a copy so I could watch it and force others to watch it. It has been tough but not impossible to make people sit in front of my computer. But by transferring it to DVD, I would be able to carry a copy in my backpack.

I went to Staples and purchased an external DVD drive solely with the purpose of transferring the movie off of my computer. $186.54 onto my debit card.

Well, I tried it and it didnt work. I tried a different type of dvd and it didn't work. I tried to shorten it and fuckedaround with the settings and it didn't work. I went through about six different dvds and each time I did it it took four hours to record it and never worked. It looked too pixelated and eventually froze up in my regular dvd player.

I gave up and decided we're all going to have to wait until this movie is released officially on DVD. You may remember me posing as a tv executive trying to get a screener copy from the company that holds the rights to the distribution. That failed.

So, I took the damn dvd player back and decided "Kids! We're going to Target!" I have my mom's car for a couple days. I drove around for about a year trying to find the damn Target. I eventually found the two story Target at Addison.

I bought:
some blue blue wrangler jeans
a red t-shirt
a yellow long sleeve t-shirt (that probably won't fit)
some boxer briefs (Target's "Merona" brand- which isn't sexy)
a swishy brown windbreaker (that's too big and makes me look like the homeless woman who is real shaky and talkative and asks for a cigarette and then keeps talking)
some honey roasted peanuts

then I accidentally stopped at Jewel and bought:
some Marie Callendars frozen fish dinners
garbage bags
2 cans of Pringles (1 dollar each!)
Doritos (accidentally bought the "Taco" flavor, SHIT!!!)
and

I found some bodywash called "Bod- Really Ripped Abs" for 50 cents
Hahah "Really Ripped Abs" hahahahaha, ahh
It smelled good and kind of gave me a charge. Like I was buying lube or a sex toy or something.

Anyway, because it was a clearance item and only 50 cents, they had to do a price check for my "Bod- Really Ripped Abs" bodywash. Nice. Standing there with greasy hair and without a body type that could even came close to having "really ripped abs." I had to have the manager come over and override the computer so I could buy my 50 cent "Bod- Really Ripped Abs" bodywash.

I should not be allowed to go shopping without an escort. I should have an escort like a retarted person living in a group home.

"Jeremy, no you can't buy Doritos and Pringles and a bottle of Bod bodywash. No put them back. Put them back."

restaurant review

Since I moved to my new home, a beautiful vintage studio in historic Ravenswood, I've been looking for that perfect restaurant. A place about which I can say to myself or my lover "Hey, you know what sounds good right now...

Well, I've found it on the corner of Clark and Addison in the shadow of majestic Wrigley Field. My little place is called Taco Bell. It's a popular Mexican/American fast food restaurant.

I discovered it as I was riding on the Clark Bus headed towards Boystown in search of my mythical husband. I spied the familiar sign too late to get off at the nearest stop so I had to quickly alert the driver that I wanted to get off and exited the bus about two blocks south of "the border."

The clientele is a mixture of "homeless chic" and "drunk tourist." The staff looks like they want to kill themselves- but the food is familiar and delicious and the prices are remarkably affordable!

Now, I've been a fan of Taco Bell for a while. I remember my mom ordering a "Burrito Supreme, no sour cream." I must have been in a car seat in the back. Did they even have car seats back then? Anyway, my favorite then was a plain tortilla with butter on it. I did not have adventurous tastes as a child.

As I grew older, my tastes changed. When I was about nineteen or twenty, Taco Bell was a late night hot spot in my hometown. Cars wrapped around the building up until two in the morning. At the time, I was performing in an improv comedy group at a place called the Theatre Hut in Ridgefield, Illinois. When we would take a break from rehearsing, we would head down to "the bell." After eating everything out of our thin, white plastic bags and finishing our Mountain Dews (you have to have a Mountain Dew at Taco Bell) we would smoke a cigarette.

Taco Bell always reminds me of Josh, a friend and fellow castmate (now teaching classes at a Chicago improv theatre). As far as I know, he spends the rest of the time in an underground bunker because in the four years that I've lived here I have never once run into him, which I find unusual. It's probably a good thing because a certain female best friend and I had major crushes on him. Crushes so bad that we could spend an evening talking about him and what he was doing and what he liked and what he didn't like and what he smelled like and on and on.

He said that he thought I was really funny.

Annnyyway, I remember that Josh used to say that the best cigarette in the world is after a meal at Taco Bell. I still agree. Well, not counting sex. No, never mind the best cigarette in the world is after Taco Bell.

Times have changed, I haven't talked to Josh in years, and who knows what we would talk about.

But I'm still in love with Taco Bell. They have a new item on the menu and it is an absolute knockout. The Crunchwrap Supreme! It's a crispy tostada wrapped in a flour tortilla, toasted on both sides. Seriously one of the most pleasing things I've put into my mouth at least since I was seventeen.

To top it all off there is a new flavor of Mountain Dew called Baja Blast. The flavor is genius. They say it's an explosion of lime but do I detect a hint of pina coloda? This flavor is exclusive to Taco Bell. If they had it at the grocery store, I'd buy cases of it.

I urge you to take a trip to your nearest Taco Bell.

popcorn

just can't seem to get enough sleep. i missed my culture race and media class which is my favorite class.

i took the bus home from looking at an apartment on monday in lakeview. i looked in the window of the assisted living center on clark. an old woman was having an early 5:00 dinner. i identifed with her more than i did with the shiny happy gay boys walking up and down broadway. i wondered if i should have been looking at apartments in the assisted living center.

when kara was gone over the weekend i was up late watching tv. thought it would be a good idea to make a bag of popcorn. i looked at the back of the bag and vaguely noticed that it said four minutes. i had made bags of popcorn many times before in this microwave and there is even a popcorn button that cooks bags of popcorn perfectly.

still, i set the microwave for four minutes. my mind somewhere else. i went back to the television. after about three minutes i noticed a terrible smell coming from the microwave. stupidly, i ran to the microwave and opened the door. brown, greasy popcorn smoke poured out of the microwave filling the entire apartment.

i have tried all the online remedies for this. and although the smell has dissipated a little, this event really fucked me up this week. i can't get away from this mistake i made. it's everywhere. everything smells like burnt popcorn, even if it really doesn't.

i have to buy a new microwave. it wasn't mine, it's karas. i have to wait for the refund for my loan for school to do that. i worry that my landlord will sue me for smoke damage, but i don't think it's that bad. still i'm terrified. i'm always thinking about my burnt popcorn.

joey said that maybe it was a wake up call for something. maybe that i should get out of the house. which is interesting. i think it's more that my mind is somewhere else. im a ninety year old woman trying to make a bag of popcorn and setting the house on fire.

Comfort Food

I'm writing this while my microwave macaroni and cheese "sets" in the microwave. I don't like it to be too hot or too saucy. It needs to sit in the microwave and coagulate a bit.

I read in the newspaper that Rupaul was going to be at Borders today, signing cd's. Rupaul was one of my idols, growing up and coming out. I remember seeing the video for "Supermodel (You Better Work)" for the first time and being blown away. It was okay. I was okay.

I waited in line for an hour and fifteen minutes. It was hot and stuffy and I was wearing a winter coat and jacket. Slightly annoyed but understanding of the nervous kids behind me making comments about people's clothing choices. "Look at crazy over there in pajama pants."

When Rupaul came out, things started getting going, I started having fun. Chills.

When it was my turn to meet with Rupaul, all that came out was--"I really like your blog."

I had the strangest sensation. Like she should know me.

"Remember me? I watched you on MTV after my jaw surgery. You made me feel better and I taped your video and played it over and over. Remember that?"

Walking around boystown, waiting to meet Rob, I listened to her cd. Looking at everyone in their halloween costumes, people smiling, really enjoying the season. Seventeen again! Something waking up inside me. A stereophonic voice telling me it was okay. I was okay.