really ripped abs

So, on Saturday morning I woke up with the mission of getting Madonnas new (not so new anymore) documentary "I'm Going To Tell You A Secret" off of my computer and on to a DVD. I decided I would buy an external DVD drive. This was my mission my, my dream. As Madonna fans we should just level with ourselves- we don't know when or if this movie will ever be released on DVD. So I thought I would be safe and buy a DVD drive and make a copy so I could watch it and force others to watch it. It has been tough but not impossible to make people sit in front of my computer. But by transferring it to DVD, I would be able to carry a copy in my backpack.

I went to Staples and purchased an external DVD drive solely with the purpose of transferring the movie off of my computer. $186.54 onto my debit card.

Well, I tried it and it didnt work. I tried a different type of dvd and it didn't work. I tried to shorten it and fuckedaround with the settings and it didn't work. I went through about six different dvds and each time I did it it took four hours to record it and never worked. It looked too pixelated and eventually froze up in my regular dvd player.

I gave up and decided we're all going to have to wait until this movie is released officially on DVD. You may remember me posing as a tv executive trying to get a screener copy from the company that holds the rights to the distribution. That failed.

So, I took the damn dvd player back and decided "Kids! We're going to Target!" I have my mom's car for a couple days. I drove around for about a year trying to find the damn Target. I eventually found the two story Target at Addison.

I bought:
some blue blue wrangler jeans
a red t-shirt
a yellow long sleeve t-shirt (that probably won't fit)
some boxer briefs (Target's "Merona" brand- which isn't sexy)
a swishy brown windbreaker (that's too big and makes me look like the homeless woman who is real shaky and talkative and asks for a cigarette and then keeps talking)
some honey roasted peanuts

then I accidentally stopped at Jewel and bought:
some Marie Callendars frozen fish dinners
garbage bags
2 cans of Pringles (1 dollar each!)
Doritos (accidentally bought the "Taco" flavor, SHIT!!!)
and

I found some bodywash called "Bod- Really Ripped Abs" for 50 cents
Hahah "Really Ripped Abs" hahahahaha, ahh
It smelled good and kind of gave me a charge. Like I was buying lube or a sex toy or something.

Anyway, because it was a clearance item and only 50 cents, they had to do a price check for my "Bod- Really Ripped Abs" bodywash. Nice. Standing there with greasy hair and without a body type that could even came close to having "really ripped abs." I had to have the manager come over and override the computer so I could buy my 50 cent "Bod- Really Ripped Abs" bodywash.

I should not be allowed to go shopping without an escort. I should have an escort like a retarted person living in a group home.

"Jeremy, no you can't buy Doritos and Pringles and a bottle of Bod bodywash. No put them back. Put them back."