Stay With Me

I had the honor of being Mr. D's (the creator of Bootleg Betty, best Bette Midler site ever) guest to see Bette Midler at the opening of "The Venue" at Hammond Indiana's Horseshoe Casino.

We were in the fourth row. The show was magical. Seeing Bette this close was an out of body experience for me. I have loved Bette Midler since I was 11 (see how i got the scar on my nose).

I think my generation knows Bette Midler as the star of "Down and Out and Beverly Hills," "Ruthless People," etc. For me, hearing Bette Midler sing, can be a metaphysical experience. I can't describe it. Words fail me. If you want to know more watch this clip and then go to Bootleg Betty. You have a lot to catch up on. Thank you Mr. D.




Maybe this time I should be the one to go away.
’Cause honey, ain’t it my turn to have somebody
Grab hold of me and say,
"No! Don’t go! You can’t go!"

Bette at the Continental Baths

better the devil you know

So, It's 5 in the am. I have another frigging speech to give. God Bless America, why do I get so nervous? I have been OBSESSING about it. What is the big deal? I would rather get on a plane with only one working engine than do this.

And, it's never really that bad, the closer I get to actually doing it. Once I'm in the classroom I'm usually ok (knock on wood). It's the week leading up to it that I can't sleep or do dishes or even look at the speech itself. It's like this terrible OCD thing I get into. Like I refuse to do things until after the speech. I will only do the dishes AFTER THE SPEECH. I will only go out and enjoy myself AFTER THE SPEECH. I torture myself. Cukoooooo!!

All the Lexapro in the world can't handle this one.

I remember on the el I saw some woman with a bag of cleaning products and she kept spraying some sort of product in the air and on the seat and then wiping down her hands with another product. She was terribly disheveled and crazy looking and just out of her mind- but she had to keep up spraying and wiping down, spraying and wiping down. What memory or image or invisible germ was she trying to clean away?

I don't do that but I do sleep for ridiculous amounts of time when I'm trying to avoid something.

I slept from 4 AM Saturday night until about 5 PM on Sunday
Got up ordered Jimmy Johns, watched the Simpsons
Went back to bed at about 8 PM
Got up at about 11 PM and have been up, in some form or another since then.

And it's all because of this speech. Then I get to a point where I don't have the energy or interest to care about it anymore.

I would go back to a therapy, but I dont know- I think I have gone to that school, enjoyed it, learned A LOT and graduated. There is only so much that talking about my past and my quirks and my destructive behavior is going to do.

"Fake it until you make it"-- Kara always says.

So, at 7 AM I will get my bag together, throw on another wonderful outfit from The Jeremy Wells Collection, put on my iPod and listen to the playlist I titled "DONE!" and just fake it. Pretend I'm ok with it all and maybe I will be.

Songs on "Done!" playlist and selected quotes...


Make Me Famous- Bette Midler
(Bette Midler speaking to God from Isn't She Great)
"CUT THE CRAP, no more bullshit! Here's the deal..I keep going, but you start helping! I can't do everything myself! C'mon! Get on the phone! NOW! Make...ME...Famous!!"

I Bow Out- Whitney Houston
"I Bow Out"

Not all me- Alanis Morissette
"It's not all me, It's not all my fault, I may remind you, but I won't take it all on"

There Won't Be Trumpets- Bernadette Peters
"Those smug little men with their smug little schemes, They forgot one thing:
The play isn't over by a long shot yet!"

I Miss You- Blink 182
"We can live like Jack and Sally if we want, Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas"

Cool- Gwen Stefani
"And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through, I know we're cool"

Better Days- Janet Jackson
"Leavin' old shit behind, And move on with my life
The blindfold's off my eyes, And now all I see for me is better days"

Nothing Fails- Madonna
"Nothing fails, No more fears, Nothing fails"

Isaac- Madonna
"Remember, remember, never forget, All of your life has all been a test
You will find the gate that's open, Even though your spirit's broken"

Recovery- Olivia Newton-John
"When I go wrong as people do, There's only me to answer to,
Nobody here to bring me down, No feelings I need step around
Trouble and care are waiting out there, But I'm alright, I'm safe tonight"

Miserabilism- Pet Shop Boys
"Deny that happiness is open as an option, And disappointment disappears overnight"

The Arms Of Orion- Prince With Sheena Easton
"God only knows where you are tonight, Maybe time will tell me,
Till then I'll close my eyes"

Hollywood U.S.A.- RuPaul
"Packin up, givin in, I can't win, Going back to start over again"

Two Door Downs- Me'Shell N'Degeocello
"Cause I cant stay inside this lonely room and cry forever.
I think Id really rather join em two doors down."

The Best- Tina Turner
"Give me a lifetime of promises and a world of dreams
Speak the language of love like you know what it means"

Running Back To You- Vanessa Williams
"Let's go."

reading my book

For my class on The Holocaust, we have been assigned to read Primo Levi's Survival in Auschwitz.

I have been avoiding reading it for awhile. I've been carrying it around, thinking perhaps, that i will start reading it on a boring bus ride or while waiting for something. It's not one of those books, though. You don't just casually pull it out and start reading. It has been haunting me, even before I opened it.

When I finally started it, I felt myself trying to disconnect from it. My brain kind of going into denial- as if it was just a Stephen King story.

I didn't think I would get scared by it. I've read a few books on The Holocaust. It is so crazy how numb you get to it.

Up until now, we've been learning about how The Holocaust happened, Hitler, what the political climate was in Germany, etc. That is all much more palatable. To read the day to day experience of someone who was there is different. Don't like it.

I also became aware of how I have a personal concentration camp in my head. When I read about it, things are always set up the same. The bunks, the camp, what it looks like and sounds like at night when the inmates are sleeping- always the same.

One of the buildings or a building always looks similar to this factory (or some sort of industrial building) in Crystal Lake off of Rte. 31 near Rte. 14. That has always fascinated me- how we (or I) asimmilate things in stories to things we know- the "sets" we construct for stories that we are reading to take place in. Often stories take place a lot in my childhood or (strangely) in my friend Heather's house.

Forgive me if I quote Bette Midler again:

"The truth is scarrier by far
than anything that Stephen King could write."

lord, here comes the flood

Just got back from Bette Midler concert with Rob. It was beautiful, wonderful --everything I remembered and more. Like going to a big beautiful church.

Yet, somehow I'm empty.

I don't usually like to post my emotions on my blog. Ugh-- but I'm feeling so drained I need to let it out- all over you.

Everything I say is wrong. Everything I'm wearing doesn't fit. My attempts at holding onto sanity are laughable. And everyone knows it. Goddam depression, bipolar, general anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality blah blah blah whatever the hell this is.

I know that I can hold on. I've been through this before, and will go through it again and hold on. It really fucking sucks though.

Yeah, I don't know where I'm going with this. Again, that's why I don't write stuff like this.

Mama needs to get to sleep and start this whole song and dance again tomorrow.

how i got the scar on my nose

When I was a child, I dressed up and performed shows in my basement to an invisible audience- lip-synching to songs and what not. In one of my performances, I decided to dress up as my version of Bette Midler- who I loved. I decided that for my opening number I would wear a porcelain Asian mask on my face. I could not figure out how to attach the mask as I would be dancing and it would surely slip off if I only used the flimsy decorative ribbon it came with.

I went to my dad's tool chest and found some chemistry goggles. These would be perfect because they would add a futuristic look to my big number, and they would keep the mask in place. While the opening chords of Bette Midler's Oh Industry (a song about industrialization and the depression of the working man) began to play, I held the mask on my face and slipped the chemistry goggles over it.

As I firmly tightened the straps of the goggles, the porcelain mask suddenly cracked and sliced into the bridge of my nose. I began to scream, my mother rushed down the stairs and saw me in my mask now shattered and dripping with blood. She got me in the car and had my father drive us the hospital. On the way, my dad, a bighearted guy, someone who beats himself up for everything, shook his head and said, "I should have warned you not to do that."