I know it must be hard for all of you to keep up with my boozy, chain smoking, jet set lifestyle. Don't think I can't hear the murmured conversations at another one of my lavish, A-List, over the top parties.
"His fire burns so hot. Of course, It's beautiful to watch."
"Well, yes. But who's going to be there to pick up the pieces when he falls off the wall. Not me, I've had to put Jeremy back together again one too many times."
"Sure, he's got more talent than all of us combined. He just can't keep a hold of it. Like gold dust slipping through his fingers."
"...he's riding a schizophrenic horse into a wildfire."
"I agree. Let's not mistake insanity for genius."
"Well, you know that I've dealt with so many others like him, Marilyn Monroe, Brando, Belushi, Carrot Top...and look what happened to them."
"Like they're on roller coasters-up and down, up and down, fast and furious. Exhilarating as all get out. But where does it lead?"
"Nowhere."
"I've lost my lunch on that ride before. I'm not about to do it again."
"I'd just as soon sit on a bench with some cotton candy and watch it go."
"Look it him over there, so pleased with himself."
"As he should be, I suppose."
"Yes, but where does that leave him when the party's over? I mean we're all going home to our beautiful spouses and partners. We've all got something other than a musty old pillow to hold onto at night."
"Well he's certainly had the chance, with a face and a body like his-"
"An Adonis!"
"He could have any man he wanted. And they've all approached him"
"Every single one, myself included."
"It's sad, really."
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
diet
I have the diet of cartoon character: root beer(snoopy), cheesy poofs(south park gang), coffee (cathy), donuts (homer simpson), lasagna (garfield).
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
"Enough" by Alice McDermott (for school)
I read Alice McDermott's "Enough" at work today. After reading Jhumpa Lahiri's "When Mr. Pirzada Came to Dine," it was a breath of fresh air.
This story reminds me of a scene from the television show "Absolutely Fabulous" where Edina Monsoon, a woman clinging on to her hipster youth, is sitting at the kitchen table playing techno music, popping pills, smoking, reading a magazine and shoving ice cream into her mouth. The protagonist in "Enough" has an unquenchable appetite for pleasure: Sex, sex, sex, ice cream, ice cream, ice cream, children, music, children, fudge and lattes.
I think I have an addictive personality. I smoke a lot, drink a lot of coffee, spend too much money on stupid stuff, etc. I don't drink too much, but when I do- I want an oversized strawberry margarita that's going to put me on the floor. I wasn't deprived of things as a child. I wasn't spoiled but I always had stuff. I don't know where this desire to constantly be in a heightened state comes from and I don't really care.
When the nameless main character in "Enough" is a child she loathes stewed fruit for dessert on Sundays. She wants the ice cream so bad and counts down the days until she gets to it. She wants instant gratification. I really wanted the character to get what she wanted. I wanted her to continue to indulge her every whim, lick every plate, sleep with every man, get fat and not care. In real life you can't do this. That is what is remarkable about this story. I knew she shouldn't be doing this, but was delighted when she did.
Despite being very upset about her miscarriages and having a bit of latte "repeat" on her, there doesn't seem to be any punishment for her actions, which was so refreshing. I also loved the last lines of this story where the narrator speaks to the reader and says not to worry about the old lady and "put your tongue to the last vein of fudge in the empty carton. . .Take another, and another. Plenty. Never enough."
This story reminds me of a scene from the television show "Absolutely Fabulous" where Edina Monsoon, a woman clinging on to her hipster youth, is sitting at the kitchen table playing techno music, popping pills, smoking, reading a magazine and shoving ice cream into her mouth. The protagonist in "Enough" has an unquenchable appetite for pleasure: Sex, sex, sex, ice cream, ice cream, ice cream, children, music, children, fudge and lattes.
I think I have an addictive personality. I smoke a lot, drink a lot of coffee, spend too much money on stupid stuff, etc. I don't drink too much, but when I do- I want an oversized strawberry margarita that's going to put me on the floor. I wasn't deprived of things as a child. I wasn't spoiled but I always had stuff. I don't know where this desire to constantly be in a heightened state comes from and I don't really care.
When the nameless main character in "Enough" is a child she loathes stewed fruit for dessert on Sundays. She wants the ice cream so bad and counts down the days until she gets to it. She wants instant gratification. I really wanted the character to get what she wanted. I wanted her to continue to indulge her every whim, lick every plate, sleep with every man, get fat and not care. In real life you can't do this. That is what is remarkable about this story. I knew she shouldn't be doing this, but was delighted when she did.
Despite being very upset about her miscarriages and having a bit of latte "repeat" on her, there doesn't seem to be any punishment for her actions, which was so refreshing. I also loved the last lines of this story where the narrator speaks to the reader and says not to worry about the old lady and "put your tongue to the last vein of fudge in the empty carton. . .Take another, and another. Plenty. Never enough."
autobiography (for school)
I wasn't breathing when I was born. "You were a little blue, you were fine. You just needed a little help getting started, I wasn't worried," my mom said.
I grew up in San Jose, California. We had palm trees in our front yard and an orange tree in our backyard. Most of my time was spent at my best friend Nicole's house. We put on puppet shows, game shows, talk shows, cooking shows in her backyard.
I was very interested in female entertainers from a young age: Barbara Mandrell, Bette Midler, Dolly Parton and Joan Rivers.
Our family moved to Crystal Lake, Illinois when I was eleven, which turned my world upside down. The palm trees and orange trees were traded for mean Illinois winters and even meaner Illinois boys. I don't think Midwestern sixth grade boys know what to do with a chubby California boy that sings Dolly Parton songs on the playground. I did discover that if I sang the dirty songs and jokes I learned from my Joan Rivers and Bette Midler records, that I earned more respect or at least saved myself from being beat up. Towards the end of sixth grade, I became best friends with a girl named Kara. She was different from everyone else, talked back to teachers, and we shared an interest in Barbara Walters.
I began working at McDonalds when I was fourteen. McDonalds was the closest I ever came to playing a sport. As cheesy as it sounds, it really gave me a sense of a team and I was good at it, which made me feel good about myself. I have only recently taken it off my resume, as it doesn't impress people as much as you might think. I worked there on and off, but mostly on, until I was 24. I quit on September 11th and haven't gone back. It seemed like a good day to quit.
By the age of sixteen, I had a severe overbite. My dad had the same problem too, and because of this he developed some breathing problems and very crooked teeth. My orthodontist decided that I would need corrective jaw surgery. I did not really grasp what this meant until I woke up from surgery with a massive swollen head, a chin implant and my mouth wired shut for six weeks. Having my mouth wired shut was a turning point in my life. Internally and externally, I changed in many ways.
I came out of the proverbial closet in my junior year of high school and was elected prom king (or queen, whichever you prefer) my senior year. I never really had plans for college until it was too late. I took a few stabs at my community college in town, but it never really stuck. Instead there were lots of suburban nights riding around with friends, smoking cigarettes, listening to bad pop music. This continued for a long time until people started to get married, move away, go to school, morph into adults. I was a gay 24 year old prom king living with his parents, working at McDonalds.
My grandfather was a television critic. When he died, I inherited some money and decided to move to Chicago and live with Kara. We wrote and starred in two plays. The Chicago Reader called me "an awkward, freaky gay boy...and hilarious." I took some more improv comedy classes and kept writing. After a brief internship working on a television show, I decided that I wanted to go back to college and study television writing.
I've always been a bit behind. A little blue, just needing a little help to get started. I'm curious where I will end up.
I grew up in San Jose, California. We had palm trees in our front yard and an orange tree in our backyard. Most of my time was spent at my best friend Nicole's house. We put on puppet shows, game shows, talk shows, cooking shows in her backyard.
I was very interested in female entertainers from a young age: Barbara Mandrell, Bette Midler, Dolly Parton and Joan Rivers.
Our family moved to Crystal Lake, Illinois when I was eleven, which turned my world upside down. The palm trees and orange trees were traded for mean Illinois winters and even meaner Illinois boys. I don't think Midwestern sixth grade boys know what to do with a chubby California boy that sings Dolly Parton songs on the playground. I did discover that if I sang the dirty songs and jokes I learned from my Joan Rivers and Bette Midler records, that I earned more respect or at least saved myself from being beat up. Towards the end of sixth grade, I became best friends with a girl named Kara. She was different from everyone else, talked back to teachers, and we shared an interest in Barbara Walters.
I began working at McDonalds when I was fourteen. McDonalds was the closest I ever came to playing a sport. As cheesy as it sounds, it really gave me a sense of a team and I was good at it, which made me feel good about myself. I have only recently taken it off my resume, as it doesn't impress people as much as you might think. I worked there on and off, but mostly on, until I was 24. I quit on September 11th and haven't gone back. It seemed like a good day to quit.
By the age of sixteen, I had a severe overbite. My dad had the same problem too, and because of this he developed some breathing problems and very crooked teeth. My orthodontist decided that I would need corrective jaw surgery. I did not really grasp what this meant until I woke up from surgery with a massive swollen head, a chin implant and my mouth wired shut for six weeks. Having my mouth wired shut was a turning point in my life. Internally and externally, I changed in many ways.
I came out of the proverbial closet in my junior year of high school and was elected prom king (or queen, whichever you prefer) my senior year. I never really had plans for college until it was too late. I took a few stabs at my community college in town, but it never really stuck. Instead there were lots of suburban nights riding around with friends, smoking cigarettes, listening to bad pop music. This continued for a long time until people started to get married, move away, go to school, morph into adults. I was a gay 24 year old prom king living with his parents, working at McDonalds.
My grandfather was a television critic. When he died, I inherited some money and decided to move to Chicago and live with Kara. We wrote and starred in two plays. The Chicago Reader called me "an awkward, freaky gay boy...and hilarious." I took some more improv comedy classes and kept writing. After a brief internship working on a television show, I decided that I wanted to go back to college and study television writing.
I've always been a bit behind. A little blue, just needing a little help to get started. I'm curious where I will end up.
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Barbasol!
I didn't use shaving cream for the longest time. I would usually use regular old soap or conditioner to shave with. Then I discovered all the deliciously fragrant flavors of shaving cream that are available to women and men. Glistening Pear, Tropical Fruit, Thanksgiving Dinner, etc.
I was shopping for toiletries one day, trying to budget. The cheapest shaving cream available was Barbasol. I liked the way it looked with it's barber pole design, the alternating red and white. Very masculine. Very suburban dad in the late seventies dressing up for a dinner party at the Benson's house on a winter evening. He's in an unhappy marriage and everyone knows it. He's very hot for Susan Benson, the blonde hostess. Maybe he'll wind up in the garage with her- making out on top of the car, while the rest of the party snorts coke off of a glass coffee table. Susan Benson will always remember the smell of Barbasol. She'll buy it for her own husband, but it's not the same as that winter night on top of the car.
The Barbasol can doesn't have a rustproof bottom. I shave in the shower and it left rust rings all over the tile, that can only be removed with bleach. I had to wrap a plastic bag around it so I didn't have to keep scrubbing the tile clean. I won't buy Barbasol again. Back to Gilette or something with metallic sports car fonts and graphics. It's not as sexy as my Barbasol fantasy.
I was shopping for toiletries one day, trying to budget. The cheapest shaving cream available was Barbasol. I liked the way it looked with it's barber pole design, the alternating red and white. Very masculine. Very suburban dad in the late seventies dressing up for a dinner party at the Benson's house on a winter evening. He's in an unhappy marriage and everyone knows it. He's very hot for Susan Benson, the blonde hostess. Maybe he'll wind up in the garage with her- making out on top of the car, while the rest of the party snorts coke off of a glass coffee table. Susan Benson will always remember the smell of Barbasol. She'll buy it for her own husband, but it's not the same as that winter night on top of the car.
The Barbasol can doesn't have a rustproof bottom. I shave in the shower and it left rust rings all over the tile, that can only be removed with bleach. I had to wrap a plastic bag around it so I didn't have to keep scrubbing the tile clean. I won't buy Barbasol again. Back to Gilette or something with metallic sports car fonts and graphics. It's not as sexy as my Barbasol fantasy.
Friday, October 08, 2004
Thursday, October 07, 2004
This morning
Listening to "Send in The Clowns," and indulging in seasonal depression. Kara is getting ready for work. I wish I could put on makeup for work. I would totally over do it and come in to my temp job like a drag queen. That would take away the depression though.
Monday, October 04, 2004
biggest fear
Tonight, I listened to an archived recording on NPR of Carrie Fisher on Fresh Air with Terry Gross. Carrie talks about how she still remembers all her lines from Star Wars. She says that her biggest fear is to be senile in a nursing home babbling on saying things like, "I have placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion into the memory systems of this R2 unit. My father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope."
Also, something to really fear...Bill O'Reilly
Also, something to really fear...Bill O'Reilly
Sunday, October 03, 2004
how i got the scar on my nose
When I was a child, I dressed up and performed shows in my basement to an invisible audience- lip-synching to songs and what not. In one of my performances, I decided to dress up as my version of Bette Midler- who I loved. I decided that for my opening number I would wear a porcelain Asian mask on my face. I could not figure out how to attach the mask as I would be dancing and it would surely slip off if I only used the flimsy decorative ribbon it came with.
I went to my dad's tool chest and found some chemistry goggles. These would be perfect because they would add a futuristic look to my big number, and they would keep the mask in place. While the opening chords of Bette Midler's Oh Industry (a song about industrialization and the depression of the working man) began to play, I held the mask on my face and slipped the chemistry goggles over it.
As I firmly tightened the straps of the goggles, the porcelain mask suddenly cracked and sliced into the bridge of my nose. I began to scream, my mother rushed down the stairs and saw me in my mask now shattered and dripping with blood. She got me in the car and had my father drive us the hospital. On the way, my dad, a bighearted guy, someone who beats himself up for everything, shook his head and said, "I should have warned you not to do that."
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Life is a ball again
I don't know what you were doing Monday night but I took my hair down, put on my best imitation silk pajamas and kicked back with Suzanne Somers and the gang on HSN for Suzanne Somers' HSN PJ Party!
Suzanne's introducing her new Fall line of high quality/low priced cosmetics, apparel, jewelry, diet books, low calorie desserts and on and on. You name it Suzanne makes it.
Suzanne and co host Bobbi Ray Carter can barely hold it together they're having such a good time. Suzanne gets so wild. I'm in hysterics myself, I can't imagine what it must be like to be on the set. In fact, Suzanne and Bobbi frequently say, "I can't believe this is a job this is so much fun!"
When they can pull themselves away from the craziness, Suzanne and Bobbi will take the time to answer some calls from HSN viewers. So many of the callers are cancer survivors or they just lost their jobs or they have trouble getting around but they love Suzanne's products too. Suzanne and Bobbi will ask them which product they bought and encourage them to buy more of the same item in a different color or maybe a piece of jewelry that would compliment their Somerstrech pants.
"Why not take advantage of our deal today and save yourself time and money and buy several pink faux fur vests for Christmas gifts!" they will suggest. The callers usually appreciate this advice and take them up on their suggestion. It really is a good idea. Christmas is right around the corner.
Those two are a kick! Can you believe Suzanne is a grandmother? She looks great-- all that Somersizing. I guess Suzanne's grandchildren think she's the cats pajamas too. She said they will go home and tell their mom "Grandma lets us eat Dove bars for breakfast!" Can you imagine-- Dove Bars for breakfast!!! So decadent.
Well, next time you aren't doin something in the evening and are depressed because you are single, you have a wierd rash, you're never gonna amount to anything and you owe money to every single person you know--- Tune it to Suzanne Somers' HSN PJ Party on HSN and kick back and relax with the ladies.
My Shopping Cart:
Suzanne Somers Faux Reversible Vest
HSN Price: $119.00
Sale Price: $110.00
Suzanne Somers Faux Cashmere Ruffle Shawl
HSN Price: $99.90
Only 10 left
Suzanne Somers Tall-Shaft Boot with Ties
HSN Price: $63.50
Thursday, September 16, 2004
ahluvit! ahluvit! ahluvit!
Just finished watching the Apprentice. I haven't been this into a reality show since the early days of The Real World. I don't care if it's all scripted (which I don't think it is). I love being on the edge of my seat.
My favorite right now is Carolyn, Trump's second banana. She scares the shit out of me. I can't imagine what she'd think of me. I'm like a small smudge on a window to her. I tend to like women that scare me.
I feel a lot better than I did the last couple of days, in large part to Kara and my mom.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
afterschool special
I'm going to throw out all my music. It's garbage. Burn all my clothes. My fan that i insist on having directly on my face while I sleep goes in the garbage. My stupid penny jar, my "Disney Villains" coffee cup, my alarm clock that Kara probably wants to shove down my throat, my computer that has to have the cover off to work, dumb used books I buy, all my prescriptions-- everything goes.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
God Bless America!
Tonight I had dinner at McDonald's. Two delicious Filet-o-Fish sandwiches, a large fry and a medium coke. It was so good. I felt kind of sick afterwards but it was so good.
Then I came home and watched Joey, which was ok. Next, I watched "The Apprentice." Maybe it was the two beers- but I love that show and I love Donald Trump and I love gold furniture!
I should probably be eating dinner somewhere else. I should be eating something with cold sesame noodles and cilantro. I should be going to poetry readings or at least communicating with another live human.
But tonight with my Miller Lites, and my Camel Lights and my McDonalds and The Donald-- I was in heaven.
Like an old lady in a nursing home, beaten and battered by life- I want my programs and my smokes and my fish sandwich.
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Catastrophe Canyon
Written in September 2002
Today, in the midst of another bout of depression, I was thinking about the Disney MGM Studios Backlot Tour. At the end of the tour the bus takes you into "Catastrophe Canyon," which is an 18 wheel fuel truck sitting on what looks like a very small canyon. The tour guide tells you that this is a set from a new movie they are filming at Disney MGM Studios. Suddenly, a tidal wave of water shoots down the fiberglass rocks of the canyon. The Fuel truck starts shooting flames and a controlled explosion occurs as the bus falls slowly toward the tour bus. The tour guide tells the driver, "Let's get out of here while we can!"
The "Catastrophe Canyon" set was not part of a movie. They have never filmed a movie at the Disney MGM Studios. I knew this all along. Today, it really hit me. Hard.
I love fake things, fake fruit, fake hair (wigs). I even like and even prefer fake cities, like the fake New York at the New York, New York hotel in Las Vegas. I decided today that I can not handle a fake movie set from a fake movie at a fake movie studio. I will tolerate it no longer.
I hope I didn't ruin it for you. I don't know if you ever plan on going to Disneyworld. The next time I go, there will be no tour of the "Disney MGM Studios" for me. No sir. I have seen "The New Leave It To Beaver" house one too many times.
Today, in the midst of another bout of depression, I was thinking about the Disney MGM Studios Backlot Tour. At the end of the tour the bus takes you into "Catastrophe Canyon," which is an 18 wheel fuel truck sitting on what looks like a very small canyon. The tour guide tells you that this is a set from a new movie they are filming at Disney MGM Studios. Suddenly, a tidal wave of water shoots down the fiberglass rocks of the canyon. The Fuel truck starts shooting flames and a controlled explosion occurs as the bus falls slowly toward the tour bus. The tour guide tells the driver, "Let's get out of here while we can!"
The "Catastrophe Canyon" set was not part of a movie. They have never filmed a movie at the Disney MGM Studios. I knew this all along. Today, it really hit me. Hard.
I love fake things, fake fruit, fake hair (wigs). I even like and even prefer fake cities, like the fake New York at the New York, New York hotel in Las Vegas. I decided today that I can not handle a fake movie set from a fake movie at a fake movie studio. I will tolerate it no longer.
I hope I didn't ruin it for you. I don't know if you ever plan on going to Disneyworld. The next time I go, there will be no tour of the "Disney MGM Studios" for me. No sir. I have seen "The New Leave It To Beaver" house one too many times.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Sad
Snippets of recent dreams:
(i always remember them when im doing repetitive tasks, like filing)
Trying to drink a coke but kept finding office products in it-- binder clips and staplers--- i was so thirsty but so repulsed
Dyed my hair silver-- sounds cool but it was poorly done
My hair was falling out so I got hair plugs and they were like big locks of hair held together with rubberbands that were spaced like an inch apart
"To dream that you are losing your hair, denotes that you are concerned with the notion that you are getting older and losing your sex appeal/virility. You are preoccupied with aging and your appearance. Losing you hair also signify a lack of strength and that you do not possess the power to succeed in an undertaking. You may be feeling weak and vulnerable."
"To dream that your hair is white or turns white, indicates that something important has just been made aware to you. It is a symbol of wisdom and insight. The dream may also be a metaphor suggesting that you are feeling 'light-headed'."
Dream Moods
(i always remember them when im doing repetitive tasks, like filing)
Trying to drink a coke but kept finding office products in it-- binder clips and staplers--- i was so thirsty but so repulsed
Dyed my hair silver-- sounds cool but it was poorly done
My hair was falling out so I got hair plugs and they were like big locks of hair held together with rubberbands that were spaced like an inch apart
"To dream that you are losing your hair, denotes that you are concerned with the notion that you are getting older and losing your sex appeal/virility. You are preoccupied with aging and your appearance. Losing you hair also signify a lack of strength and that you do not possess the power to succeed in an undertaking. You may be feeling weak and vulnerable."
"To dream that your hair is white or turns white, indicates that something important has just been made aware to you. It is a symbol of wisdom and insight. The dream may also be a metaphor suggesting that you are feeling 'light-headed'."
Dream Moods
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Dream
Dreamt I was at work and Gretchen Helfrich (host of NPRS's Odyssey) called. She didn't understand who I was and I explained that I was a temp and I was covering for a girl who was out sick. She didn't like this. She asked where I came from, where I worked before and where I went to college. I told her that I didn't graduate from college and that I worked for McDonald's for ten years. She found this fascinating and continued interviewing me. I told her that I was performing at my old high school with my friend Kara in an improv show and tried to plug it. She wasn't having that.
Then I was at my old high school and Kara was on stage. I was trying to explain to this little girl that I was supposed to be on stage. Since my act depended on lip synching, I didn't want to be on stage until I knew that the right piece of music would start at the right time. So, I told her to go in the sound booth and when I said "Whitney Houston" on stage that the music should start. She listened very well and said ok. Then I woke up.
Dream
Dreamt I was at work and Gretchen Helfrich (host of NPRS's Odyssey) called. She didn't understand who I was and I explained that I was a temp and I was covering for a girl who was out sick. She didn't like this. She asked where I came from, where I worked before and where I went to college. I told her that I didn't graduate from college and that I worked for McDonald's for ten years. She found this fascinating and continued interviewing me. I told her that I was performing at my old high school with my friend Kara in an improv show and tried to plug it. She wasn't having that.
Then I was at my old high school and Kara was on stage. I was trying to explain to this little girl that I was supposed to be on stage. Since my act depended on lip synching, I didn't want to be on stage until I knew that the right piece of music would start at the right time. So, I told her to go in the sound booth and when I said "Whitney Houston" on stage that the music should start. She listened very well and said ok. Then I woke up.
Monday, August 02, 2004
books ive read this summer and quotes from them
The Working Life by Joanne B. Ciulla-
"People on there deathbeds rarely wish they had spent more time at the office."
"One of the most tangible ways
to show respect for others and to earn their respect is by telling them the truth."
A Slender Thread by Diane Ackerman
"Frightened of being immobilized by despair, depressives often fling themselves into frantic activity. Hoping to keep gloom at bay, they work until they drop, seem to have inhuman stores of energy, and create art nonstop. They can't afford to stop. If they slow down, the missle of depression might catch up with them."
"Animals are busy living, It is only humans who wander the world like outcasts, feeling lonely much of the time, wondering what they're here for."
as far as i got with my npr short story
"There's only decaf darlin'," she said as I was looking through the cabinets, "That's all they give you in here." It was probably just as well, as I was having trouble with anxiety. I was showing my parents around my new home. The fourth floor of the psych ward in a suburb of Chicago.
This was the third time I was hospitalized with anxiety slash depression. "Major depressive episode" it said on one of the forms in the packet that they gave me, my brochure for my vacation. I had always brought myself in. Unable to break myself from the constant nagging of a demon that will undoubtedly haunt me for the rest of my life, I had someone drive me to the emergency room. I didn't want to hurt anyone, including myself. The anxiety tricked me into thinking that I could, though- that any dark thing was possible. The demons, the dogs, the black clouds. The unraveling thread would break and any dark thing was possible.
She knew it too. We all knew it as we walked around our crazy hotel.
This was the third time I was hospitalized with anxiety slash depression. "Major depressive episode" it said on one of the forms in the packet that they gave me, my brochure for my vacation. I had always brought myself in. Unable to break myself from the constant nagging of a demon that will undoubtedly haunt me for the rest of my life, I had someone drive me to the emergency room. I didn't want to hurt anyone, including myself. The anxiety tricked me into thinking that I could, though- that any dark thing was possible. The demons, the dogs, the black clouds. The unraveling thread would break and any dark thing was possible.
She knew it too. We all knew it as we walked around our crazy hotel.
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