therapy session

im not going to lie. i am having some increased anxiety/depression right now. because i dont feel like seeing a therapist right now and dont have the money -- i have decided to have a little therapy session on my blog. if you don't like it don't read it. theres only ONE STAR on The Jeremy Show and that's Jeremy. So here we go...

what is bothering you the most?

i think the biggest concern is that i don't have money to buy christmas presents for friends/family. i enjoy buying presents and wrapping them. i think i like wrapping them the most- coming up with a theme and all that.

and how does that make you feel?

it makes me feel ashamed. contributes to my feeling crazy, immature, awkward and stupid.

do you believe that's all true?

not crazier than anyone else i know. awkward, yes- i do feel awkward. that word lurks around wherever i go. i try to embrace it. stupid- no. immature, yes- but that's not big news.

what else is bothering you?

well i guess i'm bored and physically tired. i feel like i want to create something but i'm too tired to do it. so that's frustrating. i kind of feel like i should constantly be churning out things- writing and whatever else. like i don't have much time left.

what makes you feel like you dont have a lot of time left?

well, not like im going to die anytime soon (knock on wood). but that i am not immortal and i want there to be a big pile of shit leftover from my life that maybe someday someone will see. my idea of an afterlife is that it exists in what you left behind, memories, things, "art." nothing major. even just a pair of pants or something that might end up in a thrift store that someone will wear to a party...a piece of me will be at that party. i'm not making sense.

go on..

also, i feel disconnected. i do it to myself. out of fear of being rejected, being hurt. i guess no matter how monumental a task like going out to dinner with someone or calling them on the phone might seem to me, i should take that risk- even though it very well could and most likely will suck.

what do you think is causing the anxiety you spoke of?

imagining how things will play out. even little things- like christmas with my family. creating scenarios (fictional events) in my head and then getting upset at these fictional events that i have created before they have even happened. "fortune telling" it's called. thinking that you can predict the future.

what else is causing you anxiety?

wanting to do more. wanting to be able to go to a party and not be awkward and wanting to leave. fear of anxiety is causing me anxiety. i am thinking that i will get to my parents house and want to sleep the whole time because i am so terrified of an invisible monster.

invisible monster?

just a nameless, faceless sense of dread that surrounds everything.

sounds like you have been spending too much time alone?

you're probably right. it will probably be good to see people for awhile, even if it's annoying and then at least i will have something to place all my anxiety and anger on..ha. the fact that i am talking to an non existent therapist right now is probably not a good sign.

you're probably right. so what are your plans for the day?

well i have to go to howard brown to pick up a prescription for antidepressants and then basically make my way home. i'd like to bring my laundry home. maybe i can ask my mom to pick me up and we can bring back...

i'm sorry we're out of time.