lifes candy and the suns a ball of butter

i have been reading (listening to) christopher anderson's "The Way She Is," a biography of barbra streisand. the book is a little much, and i love it. the basic theme is that barbra was and is very demanding. anderson's book is basically a list of every demand streisand has ever made in her life. flowers, makeup, camera angles...

well how the hell else are you supposed to get anything done in this world? how else are you supposed to "get a leg up," as my good friend ms. buller asks? jesus christ!

like streisand, i have learned the hard way- no one is going to do it for you. you have to make the calls, you have to set up the appointments, you have to take out enormous student loans, you have to do your laundry and you have to buy your own diet pepsi. and its exhausting. how dare anyone question anyone elses choices. how dare they!

like streisand, when i am on oprah, i too will demand a microphone the same color of whatever donna karan pantsuit i am wearing. i want the audience to look at me, not the microphone. these are things you just have to learn from being in the business!
no one is going to tell you that.

rarely is anyone going to help you out in this business of show. its a rough dirty business where egos collide like bumper cars at a carnival. if you want cotton candy, you have to get out of your bumper car and get it yourself! no one is going to get it for you. if you want to tickets for another ride you better get a job and buy them yourself. don't waste your time looking on the sawdust ground for dropped tickets, you'll spend your whole life doing that and by the time you find them the carnival will be closed. it doesn't matter how many tickets you find you'll never be able to ride the rides if there is no carnival. did you ever think about that?

all i'm saying is no one is going to appreciate what you do, ever. no matter how hard you try there will always be a pack of gum smacking naysayers commenting on the choices you've made in your life.

the trick is to ignore them. ignore everyone. put on your orange dress and fur hat and get on that boat.

desperation interrogation

mr. wells, did you watch all of these shows last night that you recorded-- kath and kim, two episodes of the view, two episodes of ellen, one episode of regis and kelly, one episode of larry king live with guests donnie and marie osmond?
yes
how do you feel about donnie and marie?
marie was freaking me out. something is wrong with her. donnie seems to be together. i just wish they both weren't so zombie-esque about their religion. that's never fun.
what else did you do?
i listened to the audiobook of desperation by stephen king read by kathy bates.
is it scary?
somewhat...but i like kathy bates, so this is why i continue to listen. i prefer audiobooks read by females. i also liked "rose madder" -also by stephen king, read by blair brown who is my favorite audio book reader.
how did you feel about american idol?
i was dissapointed. i voted five times for elliot yasmin. i cried a little when they did the piece about him going home and meeting the governor and stuff. i was very ashamed of myself for crying, so i stopped.
how did you sleep?
ever since i can remember i have had restless leg syndrome, before it even had a name. that bothered me last night.
how are you feeling now?
im feeling good this morning, as usual. i am going to a focus group about healthcare. then i am going to see kara perform at the lincoln lodge. you should go.
i am you.
i know.

Listen to my radio play

Listen to my radio play "Pepso-Fine's Tonic for Women presents The Story of an Hour."
**The audio file takes a second to load**

This is my version of The Story of an Hour by Kate Chopin. I played all the parts. (Read the real story here, Quick read.)

"Enough" by Alice McDermott (for school)

I read Alice McDermott's "Enough" at work today. After reading Jhumpa Lahiri's "When Mr. Pirzada Came to Dine," it was a breath of fresh air.

This story reminds me of a scene from the television show "Absolutely Fabulous" where Edina Monsoon, a woman clinging on to her hipster youth, is sitting at the kitchen table playing techno music, popping pills, smoking, reading a magazine and shoving ice cream into her mouth. The protagonist in "Enough" has an unquenchable appetite for pleasure: Sex, sex, sex, ice cream, ice cream, ice cream, children, music, children, fudge and lattes.

I think I have an addictive personality. I smoke a lot, drink a lot of coffee, spend too much money on stupid stuff, etc. I don't drink too much, but when I do- I want an oversized strawberry margarita that's going to put me on the floor. I wasn't deprived of things as a child. I wasn't spoiled but I always had stuff. I don't know where this desire to constantly be in a heightened state comes from and I don't really care.

When the nameless main character in "Enough" is a child she loathes stewed fruit for dessert on Sundays. She wants the ice cream so bad and counts down the days until she gets to it. She wants instant gratification. I really wanted the character to get what she wanted. I wanted her to continue to indulge her every whim, lick every plate, sleep with every man, get fat and not care. In real life you can't do this. That is what is remarkable about this story. I knew she shouldn't be doing this, but was delighted when she did.

Despite being very upset about her miscarriages and having a bit of latte "repeat" on her, there doesn't seem to be any punishment for her actions, which was so refreshing. I also loved the last lines of this story where the narrator speaks to the reader and says not to worry about the old lady and "put your tongue to the last vein of fudge in the empty carton. . .Take another, and another. Plenty. Never enough."

books ive read this summer and quotes from them

The Working Life by Joanne B. Ciulla-

"People on there deathbeds rarely wish they had spent more time at the office."
"One of the most tangible ways
to show respect for others and to earn their respect is by telling them the truth."

A Slender Thread by Diane Ackerman
"Frightened of being immobilized by despair, depressives often fling themselves into frantic activity. Hoping to keep gloom at bay, they work until they drop, seem to have inhuman stores of energy, and create art nonstop. They can't afford to stop. If they slow down, the missle of depression might catch up with them."
"Animals are busy living, It is only humans who wander the world like outcasts, feeling lonely much of the time, wondering what they're here for."

Book club run by man with low self esteem and very bad memory

I had a dream that Oprah picked me to pick her next book for "Oprah's Book Club." I was so excited in the dream. It was almost a wet dream. I wasn't concerned about the book at all, more about Oprah picking me. In fact, I don't think I could come up with a book if she really did pick me. I've read some good books. But I don't think other people would like them. Here is my list of books that you probably won't like:

1. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
See I told you, we are already off to a bad start. But, it was the first book (that wasn't a female celebrity biography) that I actually read all the way through. I fell in love with the character and I actually got chills at the end. Guess that makes me a serial killer like all the other people who are obsessed with that book. Judging by my Jeffrey Dahmer wardrobe lately, things could easily slip down that path.

2. How We Die by Sherwin B. Nuland
I read this book last summer while I was working at a temp job opening doors for people with a buzzer. It was at the Macarthur Foundation, a philanthropic organization that donates money to rich people. I also had to answer phones. I kept accidentally answering the phones "The McCartney (as in Paul and Linda)Foundation" or the "Mccarthy (as in Joe) Foundation." The only thing that I remember from the book was that the way everybody dies is lack of oxygen reaching the brain. I was/am so (over?)medicated that I don't remember much else about it. It was really good though. It belonged to my roommate.

3. His Bright Light by Danielle Steel
See what I mean-- it's by Danielle Steel. I mean come on. It was good though. It's one of those books that I read passages from every now and then. It's about Danielle Steel's son who committed suicide. Very tragic. People express concern when I read books about depressed people. I get depressed when people express concern that I'm reading books about depressed people. So, you know.

4. Possessing the Secret of Joy by Alice Walker
I read this so long ago that I have no idea what the hell it's about. Something about female circumcision in Africa. I remember it being good though. I think I read it in the summertime. I'm sure I thought I was real smart for reading it. But I do remember liking it. If you do read it, let me know what it's about because I can't remember. I like Alice Walker. I also like the color of the book. It's purple. Go figure.

5.Imagine That by Lydia Stux (Epilogue), Russell Denver Harold
Ok, this one I really do remember. This is just a collection of letters back and forth between a gay man and his best female friend. Russell lives the 1980's San Francisco gay life and Lydia is back home in the Midwest. I am so obsessed with what it would be like to be gay and young in 1980's San Francisco. .Imagine That really gives you a good idea of what it would be like, Pre-AIDS and Post-AIDS. Really good.

Well, enjoy what you choose to read, cuz I know damn well no one is gonna read any of these books. Or even this blog, who the HELL AM I KIDDING. I might as well be typing on a computer that's not turned on!!!!!!