pissed

So, I'm pissed because according to photobucket.com someone entered my account and deleted all of my pictures that I have had since 2006. So I hope that person dies painfully and slowly. So now, I have to go back and fix all my pictures (I have some on my computer, some not). This is why I haven't blogged in awhile. I have been mad at the person who stole my pictures and I don't even want to look at stupid thejeremyshow.com. This person is an evildoer and they will have a terrible life. Ok, letting it go. I wish them love and light and happiness.

FutureSexLoveShow

Feeling emotionally fragile like a china doll. A broken dusty figurine of a man on the shelf. Boring myself with my analogies. Trying to describe a very New England pain. I'm in a yellow wallpapered bell jar. A story told a thousand times, mostly by privileged white women. Where is the book about me? I'm certainly in no condition to write it.

Watching Justin Timberlake on DVD. The FutureSexLoveShow, I believe it's called. What talent and optimism and soul. Gives me goosebumps. In slacks and white shirt and vest. Grabbing his twentysomething package, the crowd screams. There is such hope in that crotch. Such potential.

Eating Ritz crackers with feta cheese and ham for dinner now. Disgusting. Stomach issues now. Feeling hopeless.

These men on the train home from work. Different versions of Justin at different ages. In their ironed slacks. I can't help but fixate. Every day a new one. They are undoubtedly disturbed by the pained look I must give them. Wrinkling my brow, trying to understand how they got wherever they are. I want to be them. Do they ever want to be me? Certainly they are not interested in the hairstyle. This is an ongoing problem. Who do they want to be? They want money probably and sex. They want to feel safe or make others feel safe. They are hungry.

After the work day is done, I just want to sleep. I refuse the offers coming from no one- going out for a drink after work. "No, Thank You." Just sleep. And when I say sleep I mean go home and hide. And by that I mean watch a Justin Timberlake concert DVD ordered from Netflix.

where troubles melt like lemon drops

It's much better to look at pictures if you're snooping around. A picture in a drawer or a survey of photos in frames while your host is out of the room. Quietly judging.

Today on the train a woman turned to her friend and said, "Wanna see pictures of me and Brian from this weekend?" I tried to figure out if I would have wanted to see the pictures. Not really. Its only fun if you're in the picture. Who wants to see pictures of other people having a good time? Only if you have time to really take a look at it and study the people and the story and what you think is all wrong about it, jealous you weren't there. Otherwise you're just saying, "Aww..." or "Oh my god, that is so cute."

But sometimes you do need that reference. You have to see Brian to get a good gauge of what you're dealing with. You need a face to put in the stories your friend is yammering on about. Is Brian cute or ugly, that sort of thing.

The conductor came on the PA and announced that we were being delayed for some reason. The voice sounded middle eastern. I thought back to that time right after 9/11 when it was hard not to be afraid of everything middle eastern. That weird panicked time when everything was turned upside down. Would they attack Chicago? Would they attack Crystal Lake or Downers Grove? Jumping at every little sound. Then I considered the idea of an El train hijacking and how fruitless that would be for the terrorist.

America is still suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That's why there is so much reality TV. We are trying to sooth ourselves with Tila Tequila and Extreme Home Makeovers. Although I am a strong advocate for television whenever possible, I don't enjoy these types of shows myself. I wish I did.

Television whenever possible! Of course, yes, always. Movies and books and television and advertisements and music. Take it all in. Just watched a wonderful documentary on Toulouse-Lautrec. His wonderful advertisements are hanging in art galleries now. Don't be silly and ignore what is right in front of you. Beautiful pink El trains decorated with pictures of Madonna and Marilyn Monroe for Sunsilk.

People on the other hand-- people are harder to deal with. I prefer to deal with people after they are broken down into 1's and 0's and then lit up with electricity.

i dont like your hair

Today I wanted to do nothing. I wanted to just sit on the couch and watch television and be covered with blankets and have no stress on my body or mind. But the computer keeps calling me. Write something, make something. Make a hat where there never was a hat.

Its difficult to write when you don't have perspective, a point of view. I'm in coping mode. Cigarettes and coffee and antidepressants. Watching a lot of movies and television- consuming art and making none. Art should be a recycling. When you see a movie you should create something inspired by that movie and put it out there.

I just keep thinking negatively about everything. Judging everything. So, best to keep my mouth shut. Because its not how I really ultimately feel about your hairdo. I think its fine. I just hate mine so much that I'm gonna lash out at yours. But if I keep it all bottled up inside I'll just act out. Acting out for me is sleeping. A mostly benign act.

My mom did not like my plan of "not doing anything day." She said I should do something so if someone asked what I did today I would have something to tell them.

Thinking about
pyschology school
key lime pie
madonna
bread machine
sleeping
audiobooks
wound on my hand that is healing
cigarettes
lube
boundaries

Ladies I'm Lovin: Sheila Kennedy

She's from Dallas but moved to New York in 1980 to live with Bob Guccione. Former Penthouse Pet. Ex-Girlfriend of Scott Baio. And my favorite Big Brother contestant to date.

She is that voice in our heads who is just exasperated and convinced that something is up. She's got her wine. She is 45 and she'll let everyone know that she is 45. She's a lot older than everyone else, she's seen a lot of things in her life so... just know that. Know that.


I would have died! Died! DIED! Thank yew. Thank yew!



Sheila asking for her Tylenol PM.





***Thanks for all the response to the "Ladies I'm Lovin" series.

Ladies I'm Lovin: Julie Chen

Julie Chen

This 36 year old sassafrass hosts my favorite show Big Brother and has been dubbed "Chenbot" for her stiff delivery. Besides hosting BB, she is also a cohost of the CBS early show and the wife of CBS president Les Moonves, Okkaaay! Girl knows how to marry!! According to Wikipedia, she failed entrance exams for the Bronx High School of Science and said to hell with it and marched her way through college ending up with a journalism and English degree. She doesn't mind being called Chenbot, "adding that it may derive from her 'precise on-air style' which comes from "a desire to be objective." I don't care I just love her hair and her outfits and SHOES and blue notecards. The way she hosts a silly old show like Big Brother like shes reporting on genocide gives me chills.


just watch until about 3:00...or not..i dont care




and this is great...

what it feels like for a girl

When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak?

When you're trying hard to be your best
Could you be a little less?

lemon meltaways

I begrudgingly made some lemon meltaways to try and cheer myself up. Real down, kids. I'm not a fan of powdered sugared covered things but I had all the ingredients in my apartment so, you know, why not? They are real tart. Sort of like a lemon sour patch kid. The recipe was from Martha Stewart but she suggested lime. I don't have any lime so I used lemon. I still have another "log" of dough in the freezer that I can bring out to slice and bake when I have "guests."

I am real hot. On fire. Andropause.

congratulations madonna

humor me and watch. that's all i want. that's all i ever wanted.



and her speech, if your so inclined...

no capitals? no problem.

the president should be chosen on a reality show competition. i think it would make a lot more sense than electoral colleges and superdelegates. i think hillary and obama and mcain should have to do challenges each week. like one week it would be who gets closest to ending a war. the budget for the show would be taken out of our taxes or something (its in the planning stages right now, i'll iron out the kinks as we get closer to production). anyway, so each candidate would be given a certain amount of money-- a billion dollars or something. whoever gets closest to ending the war moves ahead and the person who screws up gets sent home. i would be the host of the show and would eventually choose who is president of the united states and it would be hillary clinton. unless i decide i dont like her. there are a lot of times when im watching a reality show that i think i like someone but they say something dumb or start acting up, get too cocky and i'll decide i don't like them. things change when you're being videotaped 24/7. then i might decide that i like obama better. then he could be president. but the main thing are the challenges. i need to see them in action to decide who is better. i think this is what our forefathers would want as far as im concerned. and i am concerned.

from my vantage point, on my couch, smoking my cigarettes and eating macaroni and cheese -there is a lot going on thats not good. i think its time for a change. but i dont see any other way to handle it other than a reality competition.

i watched big brother last night and i think its a great show. a real class act that you are missing out on. get involved. i watched oprahs big give. blah. i love oprah but im sick of her dragging around that nate berkus that everyones so crazy about. i saw his line at linens n things or bed bath and beyond or whatever and i wasnt impressed. lots of oversized decorative wooden bowls that are supposed to hold decorative wicker balls. so stupid. it was all on clearance. real depressing.

whats with the lincoln park ladies and bringing there lunches to work in bags from high end retailers. gives me a headache. i probably mentioned it before but its real trashy. its like wearing big sweatshirts with rubber logos on them. get with it. a classic brown paper bag would suffice.

it was a real freak show on the train today. very jacobs ladder. distorted faces and people that looked not well. it was probably me. its probably a side effect of one medication or the other but i had to close my eyes and listen to some janet jackson to take the edge off.

lost my debit card in the atm machine. they dont need to make the kind that take your card in anymore. its asking for trouble. i have enough money problems as it is-- then you take my card away. get out of here.

im in one of my "clear it all out" moods. everything in the garbage. sanitize and start again. i want a clean blank canvas. too much crap.

the best tip from martha stewart? just a spray bottle with dish detergent and water. never have to buy any kind of ripoff cleaning agent again. soap. usually works for most things, people. and water. soap and water. for cleaning. exactly.

The Jeremy Show Deleted Scenes

Some blog posts that got lost on the cutting room floor...

Remembering Doctors
11/25/07

My pediatrician had red Lucille Ball hair and very cold fingers. The nurse looked like Shelley Duvall. Once she came into say that the doctor was "tied up" and I thought that she was really tied up and that frightened me because everyone was acting like it was normal.

I had several ingrown toenail surgeries at that office. The nurse told me that cutting your toenails "is an art."


Psychiatric Ghetto
8/22/07
I was waiting at a bus stop at Sheridan and Wilson, on my way to a doctors appointment. A man sitting on the bench was shouting, "Completely unhappy, completely unhappy, completely unhappy..."

How well said. How simply put. This area of Chicago has been dubbed by some to be the "Psychiatric Ghetto." I don't know the specifics of why, when or how this area came to be the home of so many clearly deinstutionalized mentally ill people but on this day and many others I felt like I fit right in. It felt like being at an outdoor psych ward.

frogs
8/22/07

Seems like lately before I sit down to write I have big plans, but as soon as I sit down I am overcome with a sense of self disgust and cant bring myself to write. I mean look at that last sentence, forchristsakes! Will muddle through this somehow, I guess.

It's been tough times for mama as per usual. I had a dream I was pooping frogs. For reals. It was terrifying. Baby frogs were coming out of my butt. I shouldn't be sharing this. That is a dream of the hopelessly insane. But its the truth. I don't mean to delve into this too deeply but:

Bowel movement

To dream that you have a bowel movement, signifies that you are successfully getting rid of your old habits/ways and thinking patterns. It is usually analogous to the release of strong emotions, such as anger and anger. insidedreams.com

untitled
8/14/07

dreamed i was working at some haunted mansion ride/ school. prince was there and he looked very attractive. i got along with everyone really well and knew a lot of the people that worked there. thats it.

wrapped around your finger
7/5/07

I dreamt that Sting and The Police were giving a concert in China. They were singing a very moving anti-communist version of "I'll Be Wrapped Around Your Finger." It was beautiful.

I had this dream because I watched a very sad documentary called Seoul Train about North Korean immigrants trying to get to South Korea by way of China. Also because I saw an old clip of Sting performing that song on Live Aid AND because I was watching "The World Series of Pop Culture," where one of the questions was about the song. My brain had a field day with that one.

I also dreamt that I was at Cory and Ann's wedding. Carol Burnett and Oprah were there.

untitled
7/5/07
i remember listening to my whoopi goldberg record. she did four or five characters that were funny and really rocked my twelve year old world. i just saw a whoppi goldberg special on bravo, it brought me back to that time. when you would sit and watch or listen to a program and take it all in. no promos, no links to websites, no invitations to interact or vote.

i just hope that kids these days are being inspired and delighted like i was by my whoopi goldberg and joan rivers and bette midler records. it was an adult world that i was exposed to- smart and mysterious. things i didnt understand.

i dont know what im saying. i just think everything is so fast paced and ter

you came up with the breeze...

french toast souflee from roseanne barr! this is precooked. after it was cooked there was no time to take a picture. delicious but a little runny in the middle.




marthas citrus bars, again a little undercooked. pissed me off.

couldnt you just die with that lip color and that blond hair!

Sex and the City Cupcakes

Yesterday I made cupcakes from The Magnolia Bakey, as featured in Lazy Sunday and the Sex and the City episode, "No Ifs, Ands, or Butts."

As I said in my last post, I am not a huge fan of cupcakes but these were pretty good.



Unbaked. I was nervous about how much to put in-- not familiar with how much the batter was going to rise.



They were fine but looked sort of boring. They tasted ok. Very light touch of vanilla and not too heavy, not too sweet. Definitely not created by Miss Paula Dean.



I went ahead and decorated with Magnolia's Vanilla Buttercream Frosting (basically powdered sugar, butter and milk). That was really fun. Erik suggested some Martha Stewart sanding sugar. Delicious. They reminded me of a Wayne Thiebaud painting.



Again, I ate too many and looking at them makes me want to throw up. Really not interested in going to work. I have to work 11-7. I would rather work my regular 9 to 5.

Chunky Apple Muffins

Last night, I made Martha's Chunky Apple Muffins and thought I'd let you know.




I used three different kinds of apples: Fuji, Macintosh and Gala. The recipe called for Granny Smith but I wanted to mix it up a little. Plus, I'm liking the way the red apples look these days for some reason.



I had to use these foil muffin tins because I don't have my own muffin tins. This made me a little nervous.



But they turned out great I think. A nice red apple slice for garnish.





I've eaten five of them. That's gross. But they are pretty good.

Tonight I will attempt to make Magnolia Bakery's Vanilla Buttercream cupcakes as seen on Sex and The City. Thanks to Kara for the tip. I want to see what all the fuss is about. I am not a big cupcake fan, but we'll see.

I am watching "The Star" with Bette Davis. This is how I feel at my new job.

"Take a good look ladies, so theres no doubt. Jeremy Wells waiting on a couple of old bags like you..It is Jeremy Wells. I'm going back where I belong, I am Jeremy Wells! And I intend to stay Jeremy Wells!"

chicago spire

I keep seeing advertisements for this new building for Chicago. I didn't think it was real. It is retarded cool. I will live there.

Visit here and wait a second for the video to start.

Feedback

Re: Janet's new single

The lyrics are meaningless like I like it. The song is perfect for standing in front of the mirror with a serious/sexy face pretending to lead your backup dancers right back into the Rhythm Nation.



Thank you god for bringing her back in good condition. She is rocking that wig, she's not anorexic, she's got some meat on the bones. She's got her backup dancers in classic Rhythm Nation position. She's ready to go.

The video's got Janet jumping from tiny planets until she finally lands on the milk planet where she breaks it all down for us. A+ from me.

Madonna had better just watch herself. She'd better stop phoning in the videos and telling us to love one another. We don't have time for that bullshit. We want robot voices, vocoders, overproduced and nonsensical stupid dance songs... Thank you.

I hate to go on but I am also loving the cover for the single. Janet got the memo.

some toys i had as a kid

got this from santa. don't think i understood or cared about the tricks i just liked the drama of it all.



i loved this set. the cozy log for the woodsies to live in that velcroed shut. i think i will pretend i am a woodsie tonight. sleeping in my polyester log. i remember chewing on the little chairs and tables. very soft rubbery plastic. good for chewing.
(it is being sold for $124.99 on ebay)


this was probably my favorite toy. i found fifty dollars outside on the street in front of my friends house. my friends parents took me to toys r us and i bought this. i also bought what is below on that trip.


okay maybe this was my favorite toy of all time. a stage with different backdrops and a CURTAIN and costumes (astronaut helmets, cmon). love it. want it now.


i think i got this when i was olderish. i lost the jacket and got permanent marker on his face.

Great site about Billy Baloney!

Luscious Lime Cheesecake!

I went ahead and made the Luscious Lime Cheesecake from Paula Deen's first cookbook- The Lady and Sons Savannah Country Cookbook. I received these wonderful Martha Stewart Melamine bowls from my beautiful boyfriend for Christmas so I put them to use.



So pretty they make me want to cry.




Had to do dishes first. So gross.






The cream cheese got completely clumped into the mixer (also a gift, from parents.) Should have let it come to room temperature first.


Making the lime zest and juice.



Mixing it all up-- it had lime juice, zest, sweetened condensed milk three eggs. I think that's it.



Ready for the oven.







While it baked, I sugared the lime garnish with Martha Stewart Sanding Sugar (also a gift from the cutest boy in the world).





...and done.

I had a big ol' piece with some Cool Whip (as Paula Deen recommended) and seriously thought I was going into a sugar coma. It was really really good though. A small piece would have been fine. She asked that you just spread the whole tub of Cool Whip on. I didn't think it was a good idea. I added double the lime juice-- I would have added even more. I need more lime and less vanilly.

Some of My Favorite Sitcom Moments

I Love Lucy
Lucy practices singing.



Roseanne
Roseanne and Dan find some old pot in the basement. I don't smoke pot because I become like Jackie in the bathtub.



Will and Grace
My favorite Karen moment. "Doctor since I have you here..."



Friends
Chandler hides all of Joey's underwear and Joey gets back at him.



Absolutely Fabulous
Bubble tries to figure out how New Year's works.

Ritz Mints!

Yesterday I made some delicious Ritz Mints (courtesy of Martha Stewart) as a gift for a treasured friend. They are so easy-- recipe is here. I have always been excited by using things like corn flakes or Potato chips or whatever to make other things. Really turns me on, don't know why.



Just some Ritz




And some Chocolate with Mint





Cooling




Boxed Up



Ready to deliver to a festive holiday gathering where you can't drink because you're on antidepressants that aren't working.