i dont like your hair

Today I wanted to do nothing. I wanted to just sit on the couch and watch television and be covered with blankets and have no stress on my body or mind. But the computer keeps calling me. Write something, make something. Make a hat where there never was a hat.

Its difficult to write when you don't have perspective, a point of view. I'm in coping mode. Cigarettes and coffee and antidepressants. Watching a lot of movies and television- consuming art and making none. Art should be a recycling. When you see a movie you should create something inspired by that movie and put it out there.

I just keep thinking negatively about everything. Judging everything. So, best to keep my mouth shut. Because its not how I really ultimately feel about your hairdo. I think its fine. I just hate mine so much that I'm gonna lash out at yours. But if I keep it all bottled up inside I'll just act out. Acting out for me is sleeping. A mostly benign act.

My mom did not like my plan of "not doing anything day." She said I should do something so if someone asked what I did today I would have something to tell them.

Thinking about
pyschology school
key lime pie
madonna
bread machine
sleeping
audiobooks
wound on my hand that is healing
cigarettes
lube
boundaries

Ladies I'm Lovin: Sheila Kennedy

She's from Dallas but moved to New York in 1980 to live with Bob Guccione. Former Penthouse Pet. Ex-Girlfriend of Scott Baio. And my favorite Big Brother contestant to date.

She is that voice in our heads who is just exasperated and convinced that something is up. She's got her wine. She is 45 and she'll let everyone know that she is 45. She's a lot older than everyone else, she's seen a lot of things in her life so... just know that. Know that.


I would have died! Died! DIED! Thank yew. Thank yew!



Sheila asking for her Tylenol PM.





***Thanks for all the response to the "Ladies I'm Lovin" series.

Ladies I'm Lovin: Julie Chen

Julie Chen

This 36 year old sassafrass hosts my favorite show Big Brother and has been dubbed "Chenbot" for her stiff delivery. Besides hosting BB, she is also a cohost of the CBS early show and the wife of CBS president Les Moonves, Okkaaay! Girl knows how to marry!! According to Wikipedia, she failed entrance exams for the Bronx High School of Science and said to hell with it and marched her way through college ending up with a journalism and English degree. She doesn't mind being called Chenbot, "adding that it may derive from her 'precise on-air style' which comes from "a desire to be objective." I don't care I just love her hair and her outfits and SHOES and blue notecards. The way she hosts a silly old show like Big Brother like shes reporting on genocide gives me chills.


just watch until about 3:00...or not..i dont care




and this is great...

what it feels like for a girl

When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak?

When you're trying hard to be your best
Could you be a little less?

lemon meltaways

I begrudgingly made some lemon meltaways to try and cheer myself up. Real down, kids. I'm not a fan of powdered sugared covered things but I had all the ingredients in my apartment so, you know, why not? They are real tart. Sort of like a lemon sour patch kid. The recipe was from Martha Stewart but she suggested lime. I don't have any lime so I used lemon. I still have another "log" of dough in the freezer that I can bring out to slice and bake when I have "guests."

I am real hot. On fire. Andropause.

congratulations madonna

humor me and watch. that's all i want. that's all i ever wanted.



and her speech, if your so inclined...

no capitals? no problem.

the president should be chosen on a reality show competition. i think it would make a lot more sense than electoral colleges and superdelegates. i think hillary and obama and mcain should have to do challenges each week. like one week it would be who gets closest to ending a war. the budget for the show would be taken out of our taxes or something (its in the planning stages right now, i'll iron out the kinks as we get closer to production). anyway, so each candidate would be given a certain amount of money-- a billion dollars or something. whoever gets closest to ending the war moves ahead and the person who screws up gets sent home. i would be the host of the show and would eventually choose who is president of the united states and it would be hillary clinton. unless i decide i dont like her. there are a lot of times when im watching a reality show that i think i like someone but they say something dumb or start acting up, get too cocky and i'll decide i don't like them. things change when you're being videotaped 24/7. then i might decide that i like obama better. then he could be president. but the main thing are the challenges. i need to see them in action to decide who is better. i think this is what our forefathers would want as far as im concerned. and i am concerned.

from my vantage point, on my couch, smoking my cigarettes and eating macaroni and cheese -there is a lot going on thats not good. i think its time for a change. but i dont see any other way to handle it other than a reality competition.

i watched big brother last night and i think its a great show. a real class act that you are missing out on. get involved. i watched oprahs big give. blah. i love oprah but im sick of her dragging around that nate berkus that everyones so crazy about. i saw his line at linens n things or bed bath and beyond or whatever and i wasnt impressed. lots of oversized decorative wooden bowls that are supposed to hold decorative wicker balls. so stupid. it was all on clearance. real depressing.

whats with the lincoln park ladies and bringing there lunches to work in bags from high end retailers. gives me a headache. i probably mentioned it before but its real trashy. its like wearing big sweatshirts with rubber logos on them. get with it. a classic brown paper bag would suffice.

it was a real freak show on the train today. very jacobs ladder. distorted faces and people that looked not well. it was probably me. its probably a side effect of one medication or the other but i had to close my eyes and listen to some janet jackson to take the edge off.

lost my debit card in the atm machine. they dont need to make the kind that take your card in anymore. its asking for trouble. i have enough money problems as it is-- then you take my card away. get out of here.

im in one of my "clear it all out" moods. everything in the garbage. sanitize and start again. i want a clean blank canvas. too much crap.

the best tip from martha stewart? just a spray bottle with dish detergent and water. never have to buy any kind of ripoff cleaning agent again. soap. usually works for most things, people. and water. soap and water. for cleaning. exactly.

The Jeremy Show Deleted Scenes

Some blog posts that got lost on the cutting room floor...

Remembering Doctors
11/25/07

My pediatrician had red Lucille Ball hair and very cold fingers. The nurse looked like Shelley Duvall. Once she came into say that the doctor was "tied up" and I thought that she was really tied up and that frightened me because everyone was acting like it was normal.

I had several ingrown toenail surgeries at that office. The nurse told me that cutting your toenails "is an art."


Psychiatric Ghetto
8/22/07
I was waiting at a bus stop at Sheridan and Wilson, on my way to a doctors appointment. A man sitting on the bench was shouting, "Completely unhappy, completely unhappy, completely unhappy..."

How well said. How simply put. This area of Chicago has been dubbed by some to be the "Psychiatric Ghetto." I don't know the specifics of why, when or how this area came to be the home of so many clearly deinstutionalized mentally ill people but on this day and many others I felt like I fit right in. It felt like being at an outdoor psych ward.

frogs
8/22/07

Seems like lately before I sit down to write I have big plans, but as soon as I sit down I am overcome with a sense of self disgust and cant bring myself to write. I mean look at that last sentence, forchristsakes! Will muddle through this somehow, I guess.

It's been tough times for mama as per usual. I had a dream I was pooping frogs. For reals. It was terrifying. Baby frogs were coming out of my butt. I shouldn't be sharing this. That is a dream of the hopelessly insane. But its the truth. I don't mean to delve into this too deeply but:

Bowel movement

To dream that you have a bowel movement, signifies that you are successfully getting rid of your old habits/ways and thinking patterns. It is usually analogous to the release of strong emotions, such as anger and anger. insidedreams.com

untitled
8/14/07

dreamed i was working at some haunted mansion ride/ school. prince was there and he looked very attractive. i got along with everyone really well and knew a lot of the people that worked there. thats it.

wrapped around your finger
7/5/07

I dreamt that Sting and The Police were giving a concert in China. They were singing a very moving anti-communist version of "I'll Be Wrapped Around Your Finger." It was beautiful.

I had this dream because I watched a very sad documentary called Seoul Train about North Korean immigrants trying to get to South Korea by way of China. Also because I saw an old clip of Sting performing that song on Live Aid AND because I was watching "The World Series of Pop Culture," where one of the questions was about the song. My brain had a field day with that one.

I also dreamt that I was at Cory and Ann's wedding. Carol Burnett and Oprah were there.

untitled
7/5/07
i remember listening to my whoopi goldberg record. she did four or five characters that were funny and really rocked my twelve year old world. i just saw a whoppi goldberg special on bravo, it brought me back to that time. when you would sit and watch or listen to a program and take it all in. no promos, no links to websites, no invitations to interact or vote.

i just hope that kids these days are being inspired and delighted like i was by my whoopi goldberg and joan rivers and bette midler records. it was an adult world that i was exposed to- smart and mysterious. things i didnt understand.

i dont know what im saying. i just think everything is so fast paced and ter

you came up with the breeze...

french toast souflee from roseanne barr! this is precooked. after it was cooked there was no time to take a picture. delicious but a little runny in the middle.




marthas citrus bars, again a little undercooked. pissed me off.

couldnt you just die with that lip color and that blond hair!

Sex and the City Cupcakes

Yesterday I made cupcakes from The Magnolia Bakey, as featured in Lazy Sunday and the Sex and the City episode, "No Ifs, Ands, or Butts."

As I said in my last post, I am not a huge fan of cupcakes but these were pretty good.



Unbaked. I was nervous about how much to put in-- not familiar with how much the batter was going to rise.



They were fine but looked sort of boring. They tasted ok. Very light touch of vanilla and not too heavy, not too sweet. Definitely not created by Miss Paula Dean.



I went ahead and decorated with Magnolia's Vanilla Buttercream Frosting (basically powdered sugar, butter and milk). That was really fun. Erik suggested some Martha Stewart sanding sugar. Delicious. They reminded me of a Wayne Thiebaud painting.



Again, I ate too many and looking at them makes me want to throw up. Really not interested in going to work. I have to work 11-7. I would rather work my regular 9 to 5.

Chunky Apple Muffins

Last night, I made Martha's Chunky Apple Muffins and thought I'd let you know.




I used three different kinds of apples: Fuji, Macintosh and Gala. The recipe called for Granny Smith but I wanted to mix it up a little. Plus, I'm liking the way the red apples look these days for some reason.



I had to use these foil muffin tins because I don't have my own muffin tins. This made me a little nervous.



But they turned out great I think. A nice red apple slice for garnish.





I've eaten five of them. That's gross. But they are pretty good.

Tonight I will attempt to make Magnolia Bakery's Vanilla Buttercream cupcakes as seen on Sex and The City. Thanks to Kara for the tip. I want to see what all the fuss is about. I am not a big cupcake fan, but we'll see.

I am watching "The Star" with Bette Davis. This is how I feel at my new job.

"Take a good look ladies, so theres no doubt. Jeremy Wells waiting on a couple of old bags like you..It is Jeremy Wells. I'm going back where I belong, I am Jeremy Wells! And I intend to stay Jeremy Wells!"

chicago spire

I keep seeing advertisements for this new building for Chicago. I didn't think it was real. It is retarded cool. I will live there.

Visit here and wait a second for the video to start.

Feedback

Re: Janet's new single

The lyrics are meaningless like I like it. The song is perfect for standing in front of the mirror with a serious/sexy face pretending to lead your backup dancers right back into the Rhythm Nation.



Thank you god for bringing her back in good condition. She is rocking that wig, she's not anorexic, she's got some meat on the bones. She's got her backup dancers in classic Rhythm Nation position. She's ready to go.

The video's got Janet jumping from tiny planets until she finally lands on the milk planet where she breaks it all down for us. A+ from me.

Madonna had better just watch herself. She'd better stop phoning in the videos and telling us to love one another. We don't have time for that bullshit. We want robot voices, vocoders, overproduced and nonsensical stupid dance songs... Thank you.

I hate to go on but I am also loving the cover for the single. Janet got the memo.

some toys i had as a kid

got this from santa. don't think i understood or cared about the tricks i just liked the drama of it all.



i loved this set. the cozy log for the woodsies to live in that velcroed shut. i think i will pretend i am a woodsie tonight. sleeping in my polyester log. i remember chewing on the little chairs and tables. very soft rubbery plastic. good for chewing.
(it is being sold for $124.99 on ebay)


this was probably my favorite toy. i found fifty dollars outside on the street in front of my friends house. my friends parents took me to toys r us and i bought this. i also bought what is below on that trip.


okay maybe this was my favorite toy of all time. a stage with different backdrops and a CURTAIN and costumes (astronaut helmets, cmon). love it. want it now.


i think i got this when i was olderish. i lost the jacket and got permanent marker on his face.

Great site about Billy Baloney!

Luscious Lime Cheesecake!

I went ahead and made the Luscious Lime Cheesecake from Paula Deen's first cookbook- The Lady and Sons Savannah Country Cookbook. I received these wonderful Martha Stewart Melamine bowls from my beautiful boyfriend for Christmas so I put them to use.



So pretty they make me want to cry.




Had to do dishes first. So gross.






The cream cheese got completely clumped into the mixer (also a gift, from parents.) Should have let it come to room temperature first.


Making the lime zest and juice.



Mixing it all up-- it had lime juice, zest, sweetened condensed milk three eggs. I think that's it.



Ready for the oven.







While it baked, I sugared the lime garnish with Martha Stewart Sanding Sugar (also a gift from the cutest boy in the world).





...and done.

I had a big ol' piece with some Cool Whip (as Paula Deen recommended) and seriously thought I was going into a sugar coma. It was really really good though. A small piece would have been fine. She asked that you just spread the whole tub of Cool Whip on. I didn't think it was a good idea. I added double the lime juice-- I would have added even more. I need more lime and less vanilly.

Some of My Favorite Sitcom Moments

I Love Lucy
Lucy practices singing.



Roseanne
Roseanne and Dan find some old pot in the basement. I don't smoke pot because I become like Jackie in the bathtub.



Will and Grace
My favorite Karen moment. "Doctor since I have you here..."



Friends
Chandler hides all of Joey's underwear and Joey gets back at him.



Absolutely Fabulous
Bubble tries to figure out how New Year's works.

Ritz Mints!

Yesterday I made some delicious Ritz Mints (courtesy of Martha Stewart) as a gift for a treasured friend. They are so easy-- recipe is here. I have always been excited by using things like corn flakes or Potato chips or whatever to make other things. Really turns me on, don't know why.



Just some Ritz




And some Chocolate with Mint





Cooling




Boxed Up



Ready to deliver to a festive holiday gathering where you can't drink because you're on antidepressants that aren't working.

The Jeremy Show Interviews: Dustin from Big Brother 8

As you know, I spent the last two summers glued to the internet and television watching Big Brother. One of my favorite houseguests, Dustin (a fellow Chicagoan) agreed to chat with me about Big Brother, Prince Harry and whats in his medicine cabinet.

Tell me three things you learned about being on Big Brother 8 and three things that you think the fans should know about the show.
1- EVERYONE is judgemental. Everyone.
2- Skinny people are miserable, ie Daniele
3- Conservative Christians still think homosexuality is a choice! Because apparently, they were asked.

Seeing as I never applied for Big Brother, and I really wasn't a fan of the show either, the whole process was a learning experience about the show. But I think its really important for fans to know that there is a producer who talks to you in the diary room. We don't just sit down and start venting, we're prompted for certain topics, opinions, thoughts, etc... They encourage strategic moves and/or decisions.

I'm sure you're sick of answering this question but watching "Evil Dick" basically gay bash you on the Internet was terrifying. I was totally brought back to junior high, which is his mentality. However, you voted for him to win over his daughter. Why?

I played the game strategically, not personally. When voting for the winner, I put personal issues aside; for both of them. She's SUCH a negative Nancy and he's an over-grown rebellious teen seeking attention. But game-wise, he played the game for two. Every move he made he did for her as well. No one else can say that. He played a strong game because if it were not for him, she would have been gone sooner than later. His comments and gay bashing didn't hurt me as much as it hurt others. What he did to the women in the house was in my eyes, much worse.

more on Dick Donato's irresponsible behavior via Logo online


Why didn't you stay in LA?

I still have 3 classes left to take for my major here and LA is dirty, tacky, and expensive. Some of my best friends live there, but Its not right for me right now. I'm much more a "New York City Boy"

What is the craziest fan experience you've had and what's the most annoying thing people ask you?

Craziest Fan experience. I had a crier once. I was at the airport on my way from Minneapolis to Chicago and there was a woman who gasped, threw her hands over her head and cried. She didn't only take a photo with me, but of me as well. tying my shoe, digging in my bag, walking away. She straight up paparazzied my ass. A stranger also told me his best friend had died that day. That was bizarre too.

You are studying fashion. What is your first fashion memory? What movies, celebrities, etc, influence your fashion sense? What are you trying to say with your sense of style?

My first fashion memory is my black overalls with choo-choo trains on them. I was 3; They were so fly and I was a pimp in them. I never wanted to take them off and I will never forget them.
My sense of style is non-existent. I don't do patterns, I rarely wear colors, and I like simplicity. Classics with class I guess. Its important for me to have staple pieces on at all times. Great footwear is essential. For the summer in BB though, I packed all lounge wear which included the grey t-shirt.

Take me through a typical day with Dustin…
Coffee, breakfast, and stretching in the morning, work all day, Gym by 6, dinner at 8; usually at home. Then I watch a movie, talk on the phone and pass out. Like clockwork though, I wake up at 2:45 AM and have a snack and a bottle of water, which is where I am now.

Do you have a favorite Chicago bar/hangout and why?
I RARELY go out. Statement of truth. So when I do, its by someone else's accord and I just go with the flow where they go. In the summer I love Foster Beach. Its low-key and down the street from me.

If you were to go to a therapist what issue do you think you'd spend the most time working on?.....Tell me more about that….
HAHAHA Trust issues! As you know from the show, there is a lot of trust that was broken in my one and only relationship to date. My best friend slept with my ex, family members have lied and stolen from me. There's just a lot of deceit in my past so its hard for me to trust others.

Can you tell me what you have in your medicine cabinet. Please list all the contents, brand names, etc.
band-aids, neosporin, clean&clear astringent, Murray's pomade, MAC concealer, Tweezerman tweezers, Tweezerman toenail clipper, Renu contact solution, my glasses, an eyelash curler, back-up contacts, Target optical lens cleaner, sponges, various chapsticks with the labels peeled off, Arrid XX - Morning Clean, Dayquil, and Biore pore strips.

What are you asking Santa for this Christmas?
Hunter Wellington Boots, black, size 43
and the Six Feet Under complete season DVD collection. Bets are high that I'll receive neither! I'm single dammit!

The Dustin Celebrity Playlist-- Name ten songs that we should be listening to?
RJD2 - 1976
Scala & Kolacny Brothers - Heartbeats
basement jaxx - Smoke Bubbles
Seal - Waiting For You
The Blow - Hey Boy
Uffie - Pop the Glock
Of Montreal - A Sentence of Sorts in Kortsvinger
Hard-Fi - Move on Now
Annie Lennox - Little Bird
Original Broadway Cast of Fosse - Crunchy Granola Suite


I see that you like the Pet Shop Boys. Please tell my boyfriend why he should listen to them, he hates them.
If you're feeling blue, and in the mood for some campy 80's electro-beats with an incredibly smooth lead singer, its all there! Lets face it, West End Girls is played EVERYWHERE, from Office Max to Tattoo Parlors. Everyone ought to love a little Pet Shop.

I also see that you enjoy Madonna, what are your top three songs?
Borderline, Frozen, and Holiday

So you and Prince Harry are on a date, after you've both snorted some vodka, what's your perfect evening?
After having our photograph taken by the paparazzi, for future reference that this evening did, in fact, occur; We go back to the palace. He dresses up like the prince that he is and we equestrian ride for a few hours. I of course, get to wear riding boots. Then we snort more vodka, followed by smoking crumpets and eating tea. We sit in the royal throne for a minute while gazing at each other and do it right there on the palace floor. A sex tape is later "leaked" to the British media.

I want to thank Dustin so much for his time. Because of the writer's strike CBS is putting Big Brother back on the air this February. I am going to try like hell not to watch it. That's bullshit.

made a cake tonight 2

Tonight I got off my white ass and walked through the icy drizzle to my local Walgreens. I wanted to make Amy Sedaris' Huella's Chocolate Cake. Really getting into cooking and crafting lately. Can't get enough of it.

I'm a loyal customer to my Walgreens as there is no other place to buy foodstuffs and sundries in my neighborhood. There is a colorful cast of characters in this place that must like their jobs, because I don't see a lot of turnover. There is a very nice FTM trans gentleman, he is not the manager but he "can help you with whatever you need." I know because I asked for a manager to find out if it was really true that I could not buy cigarettes with my prescriptions and he told me gently but firmly that it was against their policy. Well there policy must have changed because I've been doing it since I lived here. They must have put a memo up about me. There are three very cranky ladies who I don't get along with. One is the "Beauty Advisor." Now I don't want to get mean, but she must follow the "do as I say, not as I do" philosophy. Maybe she's so burned out giving Walgreens beauty advice that she doesn't have anytime left for herself. All in all they are a very capable crew and I have had no problems. My favorite pharmacy tech is this beautiful woman who I think I really connect with. She is very motherly and smart. We kind of exchange these glances like we both "get it," you know?

Anyway so here are some pics of Amy Sedaris' Huella's Chocolate Cake. A very small cake that I used a too-big bundt pan for because I realized I didn't have another pan. I used Hershey's REAL DARK for the chocolate-- Um... F'ing Delicious!! I grated what I had left over the top.



Smoked a cigarette while mixin', ain't gonna hurt it none.


Could not get the damn thing out. Had to force it. I know all the tricks but it wasn't budging.



So it broke apart a little.


Mmmmm. Frosting made it better.


Throw a sequined poinsettia on it and call it a day.

its all in how you word it

My therapist told me that I live life in fantasies. Good fantasies, bad fantasies. That began as a child, escaping anything real and uncomfortable in my life. Pretending I was a gameshow host or fashioning a mermaid costume out of a sheet and cardboard to escape the horror of bombardment in gym or parents use of yelling as a form of communication.

My current fantasy, is of being a writer. Living in my Hollywood bungalow. Brilliant, funny scripts all over my dark wood desk. Working at home during the day, letting the dog outside. Pouring another cup of coffee, lighting another cigarette. Struggling with writers block. Investigating a lady from next door doing something loud outside. Struggling with mild depression. Standing alone during parties, looking put together but lonely. Taking a cigarette break outside on the balcony overlooking the lights of Los Angeles. Meeting a beautiful, hilarious, rapid cycling manic depressive girl on the balcony who somehow manages to seduce me even though I am gay. Letting her down easy and becoming best friends.

My current life could be someone else's fantasy I guess. Living in one of the greatest cities in the world. Struggling with a non specific depression. A frustrated but loyal boyfriend. Dependent on loving parents. Smart, anxious, sometimes funny, badly dressed. A hypochondriacal manchild who is more often than not, correct about his self diagnoses. Hopelessly lost in paper, student loans, cable bills, presumptuous offers from credit card companies.

Bad fantasies I have gotten caught up in run the gamut from being convinced of immediate death to being jailed for my own or someone elses fantasies. My parents leaving me, anyone leaving me. Quick and swift abandonment. Being jailed for writing a bad check at Walgreens. Leaving the oven on.

I have somehow managed to get back on a semi-spiritual track. I found my godspot through the following song (can you post a blog without a video anymore). I was laying in bed with my headphones on. My long limbed beautiful boyfriend next to me snoring his way through a dream sponsored by the Walt Disney Company. I began to travel through time with the help of Madonna and realized, again, that I am not the center of the universe and no matter what, things will be ok.

Forget your life
Forget your problems
Administration, Bills and Loans
Come with me