i'm gone

i have become absolutely obsessed with Big Brother 7. it's not funny anymore. if you don't want to hear about, get out of here-- i don't need your support.
this type of obsession is so strong that it can only turn to complete disinterest at some point. but for now i'm really enjoying it, its like heroin. i love it.

i have subscribed to a 3 day trial of complete 24/7 live video feed. it is absolutely fascinating. i am so impressed that they are so serious about the show. if they try to take off their microphone, there is a creepy "big brother" voice that says "james, please put your microphone back on."

my favorite right now is mike "boogie" smith.

i am no longer a threat

people!!

please take the candy away from children! it is not good for them and they get all strung out. take it away. please. ban it. can we ban candy please?

also that stephen king. he's scary. somethings wrong with him. ban him please. killer dogs...i don't like it. it scares me and that can't be good. ban him.

and even though i am a homosexual, i think we should tone it down a notch. we've got kids to think of. do we really need this string of seedy sex stores and disgusting bathhouses? do we REALLY need to be parading around, holding hands down major streets. i mean we're pretty much accepted in society so lets clean up our act now. we've won.

i smoke only at home now and only in designated areas.
i've learned that i can abide by this ordinance and still function.
i've adapted.
i am no longer a threat to your health.
we are on our way to a better society and i am
delighted
to be a part of it.
everything is so much brighter now.


"One world
One reason
Unchanging
One season

If you've done nothing wrong
You've got nothing to fear
If you've something to hide
You shouldn't even be here
You've had your chance
Now we've got the mandate
If you've changed your mind
I'm afraid it's too late
We're concerned
You're a threat
You're not integral
To the project

Sterile
Immaculate
Rational
Perfect"

Integral, Pet Shop Boys

romances that never were and never will be

sleeping in his sisters bed. thinking about him and not understanding the emotions i was having but knowing that something was really turning me on.
waiting for him to come back so we could do more of what we had done before.
orchestrating some sort of event just to be close to him.
laying in bed crying with pink christmas lights all over my room. my twentysomething world was shaken to its core.
thinking that i lost him. so happy i didnt.

I'll just die if I don't get that recipe

I am trying to be more forthcoming with my opinions (whether they are temporary or permanent). To have a voice about how I feel is much more worthwhile than shrouding things in a Stepford haze created with the sole purpose of not hurting others.

I don't like that outfit.
I like you.
You turn me on and I shouldnt be turned on by you but I am.
Shut Up!!
What you are talking about is dumb.
I am busy.
Etc.

If I continue to pretend I am ok with things or not express when I am angry happy or sad-- the world will miss out on the wonder that is me.

Just for today, let's just quit pretending and see what happens.

remind me never to do THAT again

as rob suggested I put my iPod on shuffle and I will comment on whatever the first 5 songs come out of the 2,500+ i have packed on to the damn thing.


1. Courtney Love Sandra Bernhard
I'm Still Here Dammit!

Sandra Bernhard talking about real or fantasy encounters with Courtney Love. Reminds me of working at Borders in Crystal Lake. Taking my breaks at "The Colonial." Crushing on the straight smart boys. All boys who work in bookstores are terribly neurotic or gay. Or both. Maybe they just get neurotic when there around me! Ha.



2. Sorry Madonna
Confessions on a Dancefloor

This one shouldn't count. This was my favorite song from the album when it came out. "There's more important things than hearing you speak.




3. If I Could Turn Back Time Cher
Live: The Farewell Tour

My goodness! I didn't realize what a dirty little faggot I was. I have such diverse taste in music --- hahahahaha. Listen. I just want to be entertained. I want shiny, pink, glittery sassy music. Not hard to please, very easy to bore. Now I'm talking in beer commercials.


4. When I Think of You Janet Jackson
Control
Chunky Janet! Just they way I like her. Now she's naked all over the place. whatever.



5. Eleanor Put Your Boots On Franz Ferdinand
You Could Have It So Much Better
Rob is penetrating my iPod.

yawn

i know your window and i know it's late.

i am a nice person. i am not bad. i am a retarted boy that people feel sorry for. am i saying that to be dramatic and manipulative? i feel lonely. everything is a mess.

pardon me. "tylenol chest congestion" fucking with my brain. everything takes so much work-- the coffee filters, the paper towels, the dishes, the laundry, the vacuuming. i am exhausted. upper respiratory hell-- do i have SARS? how would you know, you're not even listening because you're sleeping. you have a job, you're bringing home the bacon.

never had a chance to see him, no! never heard nothing but bad things about him.

spending too much time trying to go back in time. looking up people from high school-- they are teachers in illinois and hawaii, futures brokers (what in the hell does that mean), realtors, babies, marriages, more babies. the lonely homosexual sits at 1:24 in the morning and writes it all down.

just the moon and me and you

yes i like to watch a lot of tv. yes i like to smoke and eat bad foods and drink diet cokes and sleep a lot and live a life of shit. of shit. of shit shit shit. things people say haunting me. in a real i-should-see-a-therapist mood. i assure you i am fine. just venting, trying to remove the barnacles off my hull. a nautical reference!

administrations, bills and loans, come with me...

i am sorry if you don't understand. i can't explain the whole thing to you. it's too complicated. let's just go to taco bell. that's what it comes down to, doesn't it? let's just hit the taco bell and call it a night. crawl into my bed, my fort made out of blankets with cigarette burns and saliva stains. blecch! gross. i assure you i'm fine. you'd know if it was a cry for help because i'd be calling you. sleep it off. just sleep it off. doing head rolls, cracking my neck, hoping to crack my neck.

talk of circadian rhythms

ok. good. that's it. oh maybe a little bit more. ok now.

I'm hurt.
When they invented so many different ways to kill people.
Things change.
They want to feel safe.
I think you know.
In a different place.
Nope, but you can't undo anything ever really.
It makes some people safer and it kills the other people.
No, but some things are not logical.
I do that too.
Everyone thinks they got the last laugh.
Life isn't ruled by logic.
A word to describe feeling.
Wonderful.
Seeing the flames.
You don't like musicals.
You are speaking Japanese.
No. But sex isn't always really good.
When you aren't outside.
Hot, sweaty, sexy, fun.
Hot, sweaty, sexy, fun.
I don't think you ever know, but I'm not one to ask.
Weight lifted off shoulders.
Because it's cold.
You can't, they have to. Alcohol helps.
No, work on yourself and enjoy others for what they are.
I do that too. Nostalgia, I think.
The head, I think.
Both.
Yes.
Yes.
Try not to hurt others.
Your head.
Your head.
Forever.
No.
No.

But the summer is not over

Lots to tell you.


Big Brother


"Dr. Will"-- Just found out he is a real doctor! Can you imagine!

I like Big Brother a lot. Hot hot hot hot constantly shirtless dumb guys. Ok maybe they aren't that hot but they are shirtless and thats the only thing that matters. I have never paid attention to this reality show before but it's good old fashioned summer fun, like The Real World was when it first started. Same idea, bunch of people living in a house together, cameras everywhere. Now you can watch full episodes for free on cbs.com.

I am very curious about what they don't show on tv. You can buy a season pass to have webcam access to them whenever you want and I promised myself I will not do that. I will not do.............that......

Kelly Ripa



So funny. Funny lady.

"Tornados in Westchester? What's next, a shark in the bathtub?" Was hilarious at the time.

Thinking about the guy last summer

So there was a guy that I hung out with last summer. I enjoyed hanging out with him. Kissing, etc. We lost touch, he said I had "hidden issues" on his blog. I don't know exactly what hidden issues he discovered because I tend to put everything on the table to begin with. And frankly, I'm glad I don't know what issues he saw because I don't think I can handle anymore than I already know about. But anyway...

He worked late and he would come over at about 12:30 AM to my then new studiopad and we would watch "The Comeback" with Lisa Kudrow or some ridiculous movie of his (after I sat through 'Not Another Teen Movie' I put a stop to his movie picking). Anyway, so yeah it was the middle of the night and there was this cute Italian guy coming over to my house and I enjoyed it. He was smart, happy, upbeat, quirky-- (sometimes talked like Krusty the Clown which was a "hidden issue" I overlooked, thank you very much). But that stopped around Halloween for one reason or another. It was nice to be with someone during the summer.

artwork on tv shows #3

The Golden Girls:
(stage left, in between kitchen and hallway)
"Water Lilies"
Claude Monet
(1914-1917)
Oil On Canvas

100 spinning chickens

Hey, I made a video for my documentary class about my friend Rob Christopher and his book "100 Spinning Plates." It is now playing at his website (thanks Joey).

emmy nominations that please me

Outstanding Reality Program



Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List, Bravo, Picture
This Television, Inappropriate Laughter, Inc., Bravo
Producers TBA

Outstanding Directing For A Comedy Series




The Comeback, Valerie Does Another Classic Leno,
HBO, Working Class and Is Or Isn’t Entertainment in
association with HBO Entertainment
Michael Patrick King, Director




Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series

The Comeback, HBO, Working Class and Is Or Isnt
Entertainment in association with HBO Entertainment
Lisa Kudrow as Valerie Cherish



Outstanding Lead Actress In A Miniseries Or A Movie




A Little Thing Called Murder, Lifetime, Grand
Productions and Stonemade Entertainment in association
with Fox Television Studios for Lifetime Television
Judy Davis as Sante Kimes

dream on a july morning

i am at my old high school walking around. somehow end up in my science teacher's class. he doesnt remember me.
he tries to explain something to me using a sports metaphor. i tell him i will not understand what he is talking about if he uses that analogy. he then decides to use a "lord of the rings" analogy. again, i explain that i have no idea what he's talking about.
during all this he is writing some information on a car window. he asks me what my last name is and he writes my last name on the car window. he asks me where i live so he can determine how to spell it. i tell him i live in illinois, he asks "prairie?" meaning i guess that there is a "prairie style spelling" to my last name. he spells it wrong.
i speak to some of my old classmates who are attending a work program class. they are practicing waiting on tables. i tell one girl that i have never been a waiter before and that i have always been afraid of it. she tells me she felt the same way.

in the evidence of it's brilliance

i am really enjoying the whole space shuttle thing and watching a lot of nasa tv. there is a video of the interior of the space shuttle during liftoff! so crazy. i can't imagine what it must feel like to sit inside that thing. i have come to terms with the fact that i will probably not do that. i can barely stay focused long enough to turn in a psychology paper.

i don't think i would be as nervous on the space shuttle as i am on airplanes. what i don't like about airplanes is the fact that everybody pretends its normal to be sitting inside that thing and reading magazines and watching movies while you are flying superfast. if everyone treated it like a daredevil experience i would be a lot more comfortable.

artwork on tv shows 2

Roseanne:
(to the right of door)
"The Scratching Beagle" and "Hey! One Leg On The Floor"
Arthur Sarnoff
c. 1950s

artwork on tv shows

I am collecting artwork seen on tv shows. Here is what I have so far:




The Cosby Show:
(living room, stage right wall, above mantel)
Funeral Procession
Ellis Wilson
c. 1950s
oil on composite board
30.5" x 29.25"




Three's Company:
(living room, stage right, by window)
"The Flapper," Life Magazine Cover
Frank X. Leyendecker
February 2, 1922
Framed Poster of Magazine Cover




Friends:
(origially girls apt, living room, stage left, above television)
"Aux Buttes Chaumont," Advertising
Jules Cheret
1890
Framed Poster of Advertisement





I Love Lucy:
(hallway)
The Star (Etoile)
Edgar Degas
1876 - 77
pastel on monotype
60 x 44 cm

Bewitched:
(foyer, stage right)
A Girl With A Broom

Rembrandt Workshop (Possibly Carel Fabritius)
1646-1651
oil on canvas
107.3 x 91.4 cm

do you think it's clean?

i can't think anymore about star jones and rosie o'donnell or my head will explode. today i watched a lot of tv. intervention-- some chick taking heroin and crack, goes to rehab and then starts doing drugs again. that's what i hate about that show. roseanne 8 hour marathon. will and grace friends david letterman. the list goes on.

wbbm newsradio 78 on very low in the background. bought huge bag of skittles and some diet coke. have to write a paper on someone i know very well, using three different personality theories to describe them. going to do it on myself. seems dangerous to do it on anyone else-- who am i to dissect someones personality (on paper)?

the problem today is that i didnt drink any coffee. ha, as if that's the only problem.

and yes, since you asked, i think i would like to go in an isolation tank. i am curious but would never do it. too claustrophobic and crazy.

taking vitamins but still don't look like the guy on the box. false advertising.

way to many skittles (and cigarettes). stomach hurts.

deleted scenes

here are some blog posts that i never finished or never posted:

hair
6/26/06

i just looked in the mirror. who is this person with the long hair? who are you-- long haired freako boy? cut your hair and shape up! i want a shaved clean cut haircut. none of this sissy shit. tip top shape. i want a haircut that makes sense. it confuses me.

its such a neurotic thing i've started with this hair.

I'd like to know where you got the notion...
4/26/06

Yesterday, I downloaded a bunch of disco songs. During my trip on the bus to school down Lakeshore drive I listened to "Rock The Boat" by the Hues Corporation. The waves were really outstanding and the disco horns and strings and my caffeine high had me in a Studio54-cocaine-promiscuous-sex trance.

I never did cocaine, thank god. It would be the end of me. I am so addicted to cigarettes, I can't imagine what I would be like with "blow". A long long time ago I went to a party and was offered me some. Luckily, a friend told me that with my history of

a day in the life
2/15/06

My current routine. I get up at about 6 AM-ish when I have school. Smoke a cigarette in bed, dangerously half asleep. Put some coffee on. Usually turn NPR on but don't listen at all. Take my pills: Lexapro, Trileptal, Prilosec. Brush my teeth, put on some deodorant, get dressed. Set my microwave timer for when I have to leave the house. Sit down at my computer, smoke and drink coffee and an Ensure, surf the web.

This is my favorite time of the day.

The microwave timer goes off. I push it another ten minutes or so. Finally get up and put on my jacket - making sure that I have my cellphone.

I go out to the bus stop which is, thankfully, very close to my apt. I study the other people waiting. Decide who is hot and who is not, all while listening to my iPod on shuffle.

Get on the bus, saying hello to the busdriver- probably very loudly becuase I have my iPod on. Sit in my usual seat. I like this bus route because I can see the lake in the morning. As people get on, I am continuing my scan for my boyfriend. Deciding which one I am in love with and try to decide if he is in love with me.

I am drinking coffee out of a stainless steel travel mug so I start to get all hyped up on caffeine and the initial yet very temporary speedy effects of my antidepressants. I decide to text message people stupid things. These text messages are usually regretted by the end of the day.

voltron
2/15/06


today in documentary class we watched the first 30 minutes of "fahrenheit 911", "fahrenHYPE 911" and "outfoxed," which i thought i would hate- just because im so done with those documentaries- but that blank screen with just the audio in "fahrenheit 911" when the twin towers are hit always gets me. so effective as you sit there and your imagination paints the picture- incredible.

i went outside for two smokes on my break and this guy literally jumps me for a cigarette. "give me one of those camels!" for a minute i think about saying no, but he is essentially mugging me for a cigarette, so i pull one out.

"I shouldn't have done that, jumping up on you like that."

I am silent.

"I'm from New Orleans. Chicago is crazy. There's actually burros and shit. I thought New Orleans was big," as he lights the cigarette he mugged me for with the lighter I give him.

"You a student."

"Yes."

"Music?"

"Television."

"Television? So you go to school and when your done here what do you think your gonna do? Direct?"

"Writing"

"Well they sure need more writers. They're running out of ideas in Hollywood. Now I see they are doing 'Curious George'. I saw that and I said shit... Next they're gonna do 'Puff the Magic Dragon' or some shit."

"You are right."

"When they do a movie of Voltron, you know it's all over."

On my way back upstairs to watch more movies that I've already seen I decide that he has put into words basically about the same amount of information that I am paying $900,000 to hear.

That's not exactly true. My self esteem and general sanity is worth all the money that I am putting into this college song and dance. Being forced to get up, to read and to write, to be exposed occasionally to new things

water
1/28/06


just got a 24 pack of dasani from peapod. water. uh! interesting. not so bad.

watermelon. watersports. watershow. waterskis. waterfall.

when i had my first meltdown that involved illegal substances and a major freak out and post it notes posted all over my parents kitchen when i was in a blackout. i checked myself into a hospital. parents were called and my dad picked me up and took me

Chapter One
1/02/06

We are riding along in a car in front of a green screen.

there's only ONE STAR on the jeremy show
12/20/05

In preperation for spending a week with my parents I am trying to tell my DVR not to record every I Love Lucy and Brady Bunch and it has frozen up. Apparently it does not understand how I don't want to do that.


The Six Steps
2/15/05

As I'm sure I've said before in at least one of our many conversations I worked at McDonald's for ten years. They always say pass on your wisdom, pay it forward- so here's some valuable information I learned. Print it out and use it as a "cheat sheet" for your first day at work. I hope this will bring you the happiness and good fortune that it has to me.

The Six Steps for taking an order at McDonald's

1. Greet the Customer

"Welcome to McDonald's can I take your order?"
"Hi, Can I help you?"
"What can I get you today?"
"Hey Wanda, glad to see you're back on your feet after the boating accident. You're usual today?"

Pretty easy. The key is to vary it. Don't say the same thing to each coustomer. They may begin to suspect that you are going through the emotions or even get the impression that you don't like your job that much. Oh! Don't forget to smile. And not a fake smile. I want a real toothy, tingly, just can't contain yourself smile. Good, this is the first step, the rest will be a cakewalk.

2. Take the order

Now this might sound easy. It's just punching in whatever the customer says, right? WRONG! Taking the order is all about active listening. You ever heard that, active listening? Active listening is really engaging yourself in the communication process with your customer. You should be giving eye contact while the customer speaks, letting the customer know that you care about what sandwich or value meal choices they are making.

**Really Important** Never, ever say "Will that be all?" or "Is that it?" when you feel like the customer is wrapping up. We don't want to close the door on the oppurtunity for the customer to make more selections. Instead, try "Do you feel like a Fruit N' Yogurt Parfait today?" or "Did you want to try our new Chicken Selects?"

Also, I've noticed that the one thing that new people like you forget is to ask "Is this for here or to go?" Don't forget to ask. Otherwise, at this point you're standing like a deer in headlights trying to remember what to do next. Don't be an idiot.

3. Assemble the order
Okay, so now we know if it's for here or to go so either grab the appropriate sized bag or put the sanitized tray with a trayliner on the counter.

The first thing you want to do is make the drinks. We can let the drink run while we're getting the rest of the items.

Next, we get the sandwich. If the sandwich isn't ready DON'T GET THE FRIES. Return to the counter and move to step 4.

4. Present the order
Presentation is the key to any good meal. Place all the items on the tray if the order is for here. The drink should not be touching the sandwich or the fries. Remember, hot stays hot, cool stays cool. If the order is to go, place the items in the bag correctly (don't mash it all together). The bag should be crisp and double folded and faced toward the customer with the golden arches faced out.

5. Receive Payment
Start with, "Okay, you're order today is [insert total] today." The customer will present you with a bill. Enter the money given on the cash register. Discreetly place half of the money given into your pocket and give the customer the change out of the drawer.

6. Than

Shows I record

These are shows I record on my Comcast DVR (generic TIVO) and my thoughts.

Simpsons
I'm actually getting to the point where I have seen a lot of them. They must only have a certain number that they buy in the syndication package or whatever, because I know there are more. Same thing happened with Will and Grace.
Golden Girls
I do believe I have seen them all. Sometimes, I just need to go to Miami and hang with the ladies.
Friends
A renewed interest in Jennifer Aniston and Lisa Kudrow. I am so not interested in the on again off again boring relationship with Ross and Rachel. How did this show survive that? Did people really care?
Larry King
Larry is really out to lunch. Asking a male to female transexual if she plans to carry a baby, "I don't have a uterus Larry." He does get all the big names: Tammy Faye, Liz Taylor, Mary Kay Laterno.
Simple Life: Till Death Do Us Part
I had never watched this show before and it really is a steaming pile of crap. I really like watching Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie though. I wish that they would do a "true" reality show on them. I think that would be really interesting.
***Lovespring International
A new show on Lifetime about a match.com like dating service that has received really good reviews. Funny people on it-- the blond cop from Reno 911 and the lesbian woman from Best In Show and others. Very funny and very unLifetime like. Sean Hayes guest starred as a straight man who ate his wife.
David Letterman
Just to make sure I don't miss Madonna or Amy Sedaris or someone.
Inside The Actors Studio
I usually delete them right away. I will not watch a two hour interview with Dustin Hoffman zzzzzz. But,I know there is someone that he had on that I missed.
Strangers with Candy
Always good.
Conan O'Brien
Same with David Letterman.
Oprah
Usually delete.
***Regis and Kelly
***The View
These are my oxygen. I am addicted.
***Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List
A+
Absolutely Fabulous
Need a fix every once in awhile.
***Kath and Kim
Australian ABFAB. Reminds me how confused yet delighted I was when I first saw ABFAB. Favorite quotes, "Look at me, Look at mooey, Look at MOOOOEEYY" and adding "late stage" to anything. "I can't be bothered by that at this late stage."
***My Fair Brady
Um yeah, Christopher Knight's bare chest in almost every scene. Creepy but can't take my eyes off of it.
60 Minutes
I always delete this. Never ever watch it.
Big Brother 7: All Stars
I decided this will be my summer obsession.
America's Got Talent
So You Think You Can dance
Hate both of these American Idol ripoffs. They might be good but I can't watch them because I feel like I'm cheating on American Idol.
Windfall
Show about a bunch of boring people who win the lottery, including Luke Perry. Thought it would be good but it sucks.
Oprah After The Show
I do watch this. It never fails in every episode Oprah says- "God speaks in whispers," and "That's when I really 'got it," and some sort of reference to how having billions of dollars doesn't change anything. Love it.
Sunday Morning Shoot Out
AMC show about the movie business. Don't really watch it anymore. It's interesting though.
Saturday Night Live
on summer break
Martha
on summer break

die another day

im gonna wake up yes and no

i am having an upper endoscopy on friday. it is to see whats blocking my esophagus. the doctor is pretty sure its a stricture (scar tissue in my esophagus) caused by acid reflux. if so, they will dilate my esophagus and i should be better. this is all outpatient (heavily medicated, however) and should not interefere with my various engagements during the gay pride weekend. i don't really have anything lined up but i am going and i like to pretend i have a big group --but it will probably be just me with concealed alcohol.

sigmund freud...analyze this, analyze this, analyze this this this

thanks to everyone who has sent flowers and dvd boxsets. my apartment is overflowing with life affirming precious moments figurines and slightly risque softcore get well cards.

i'm gonna destroy my ego

today i studied my art history from Renaissance to Rococo, Bernini to Canova. Went to my doctor. Purchased the new Madonna DVD+CD. Ate popcorn and eggs.