Networking

It's time for me to create a healthy network of coworkers, friends, contacts, ex-lovers, sponsors, supervisors, high school and college alumni. I'm not talking about any facebookery, tweetering or linked-in-ing. I'm talking actual phone numbers on a cell phone and meetups for brunch. I want my schedule to be full of dinners, theatre goings and creative jam sessions.

Soon, I'll be rushing into a Starbucks meeting Steve, a former co-worker who has moved on happily to running his own web-based pottery exchange. I'll lend an ear to his brainstorms and he'll help me out with "NUDE JAM!"- the nude poetry jam I'm organizing for charity. We'll talk over each other and pretend to listen to each other's ideas and one of us will have to get going and the other of us will say that's fine because we really have to get going too.

I'll be one of those people who is always talking on public transportation about some upcoming event in the future- going over the details, looking in my datebook, holding a pen. I'll laugh REAL loud at things that aren't really funny and the person on the other line will say they have to go and I'll say that's fine because I'm on the bus or the train and I should go too. I'll wait a few seconds and call someone else and leave a message about the last phone call I just made, slightly insulting the person I just previously talked to.

I'll have to change at work from my work clothes to my evening clothes because I'll always have something and somewhere I have to be. I will NOT be exhausted and lethargic and only want to come home and watch Roseanne reruns. I will be spending most of my time Downtown now, the best place, really, for all of us to connect. The key word- connect. I'll eat very little and become one of those very skinny skinny fashionable gay boys who has a lot going on and likes to let everyone know it. I'll tell you about my improv classes and business trips and how I've quit smoking as I step outside for a cigarette with you.

I'll come home late and drunk but I'll wake up feeling refreshed and healthy. The next morning I'll slide easily into my seasonally appropriate menswear- a crisp pressed shirt and slacks and form fitting jacket/coat. I'll go global before 8 am- connected to all my Ipod-Touches and Bluetooths and Palm Pilot and Kindels. I'll walk confidently down the street with a credit card that actually works in my wallet. I'll buy my morning coffee with lots of sugar and lots of cream. I'll deposit a healthy tip in the plexiglass tip jar for the twenty something bisexual barista behind the counter.

I'll work on working out the details. I'll consider touching base or reconnecting with that one that seemed like a possibility. The one with the good job and shaved head and good shoes. I'll talk it over confidentially with my twelve closest friends. We'll analyze him and try to understand his motivations and intentions in phone calls made from my bed. I'll drift off in an Ambien haze and wake up and start all over again.

Tour of my Apartment

It's fucking snowing outside and it's April and this hasn't been the best winter for me so I'd like to forget winter but it's haunting me, every time I turn around it's there. I thought I'd give you a tour of my home.



This is mission control. You'd think I was super busy. You'd think I could create something real special with the cup of markers and the cellphone and the laptop at my disposal. You'd think with all the cigarettes and caffeine I could get something going.


Dishes. These are what I have to do tonight if I can summon the strength of Hercules and the mental stability of Barack Obama.


As you can see I take fashion very seriously as any gay man does and should. Every garment is given the utmost attention and respect. These are high quality fabrics and I am proud to wear them everyday. Each morning, I have a hard time choosing what to wear. They are all so beautiful.


QVC on the tv. This is a really soothing photo for me. I really can't get enough of it right now. I won't go on anymore. This is my POV of life right now.



I really like that bright pink towel. It's caked with toothpaste spit but I really like the color.



One bookshelf. The top half contains my cookbooks. I really like my Martha cookbooks a lot- gifts from Erik and my parents. A year of Martha Stewart and Domino magazines.



This is the shelf by bed. The obligatory can of Pepsi for late night refreshment. Kleenex box with some sort of Tuscan harvest theme. I don't blow my nose so the top tissue probably has some dust on it. Blowing my nose just creates more of a problem I have been told. On the second shelf to the right is my stack of Playbills I have collected over the years. Erik is very blase about playbills.


I've always said your bed should be a luxurious oasis.


DVD collection for the curious.


My garbage for the curious or the bi-curious.

A sampling of some art (or pictures framed) from my home.


Geoffrey Todd Smith's rollercoaster. I love it. Such a metaphor for life, really, wouldn't you say. Erik wants there to be some trees.


A blurry Mapplethorpe.


Painting I found in the garbage of my apartment building.



Keith Haring in a bathtub, also in my bathroom. I like this picture a lot.


A great picture of Bette Midler.


A great picture from SEX by Madonna. It reminds me of all my dear lady friends.


Picture of me and Kara in Villains frame, an Oscar from Heather's Mom and a Lucy present from my sweet boyfriend. I will not take them out of the boxes anymore. I promise. I won't.


Except for this one. She needs to get out and dance!


Well that's it. Thanks for coming over and thanks for sticking through until the end. Excuse me while I sit back and relax and listen to some music on my cheap $20 Mp3 player I bought at Walgreens. See you next time.

Taking some time to enjoy The View

"I can remember lying frozen in bed, crying because I was too frightened to take a shower, and at the same time knowing that showers are not scary."
-Andrew Solomon, The Noonday Demon

The quote above pretty much sums up where I have been the last couple months. Living in a dark place. But now I'm back from outer space. I knew I was back when I started watching QVC. For the last couple months I haven't been able to watch tv. Literally, could not watch television. Too much stimulation. Too scary. But I knew I was back when I could watch QVC- Bob Mackie's wonderful embroidered shirts! frozen steaks delivered right to your door! Kitchenaid appliances! I can watch it all day. So soothing to me. Consumer therapy as I try to enter the real world again.

After September 11th, during another breakdown it was the only thing I would watch. I was freaked out, really freaked out about terrorism and dirty bombs and anthrax. Totally overreacting. QVC was the only network that would not mention 9/11. There would be the occasional American flag pin for sale, with a soft mention of the "tough times" our country was going through. But I knew that they wouldn't cut away to a shot of the towers falling. Safe.

I still wasn't ready for The View. Erik mentioned that maybe I had moved beyond the view. Perhaps I was on to better, deeper and more meaningful televisions. FAT CHANCE! It took awhile. I am happy to say I am back watching the ladies around the table discussing "Hot Topics." By the way, something is going on with Whoppi. She has been calling in sick an awful lot. I am very suspicious. Is she terribly ill or is she playing hardball renegotiating her contract. That's really why Rosie left. I'll keep an eye on it for you.

I don't what details to share about my meltdown. I am so happy to have such a patient and caring support system. I was in a LOT of therapy for a long time. I am properly medicated now. This wasn't something that could be solved by exercising or eating a balanced diet. It was not good. It was really bad. I was in a state of anedonia. Nothing made me feel better, nothing made me happy, nothing helped, nothing, nothing, nothing.

One day I was lying in bed under my covers forcing myself to read and I felt ok. Just ok. I don't know if my medication finally kicked or what but I felt ok. I didn't want to jinx it. Didn't want to get out of the bed or turn on the light or stop reading. I felt safe again, the world wasn't so distant. I repeated this again the next day. Staying in bed, underneath the blanket my mother made me. Reading. I have kept taking baby steps since then. Still unsteady, doubting my ok feelings, but pushing through.

Madonna Video Tributes

I always have very specific and important things I'm looking for when I'm searching for Madonna on YouTube. I have never really stopped to look at the really wonderful Madonna parodies that people have made. So here are some new finds and some old favorites...

This one really made me smile. I really like this one. This is me in about 2 years. I believe Kara and I used to do a similar routine at Crystal Lake.




This version of "Don't Tell Me" is adorable.


This is my all time favorite. Julie Brown with "Party In My Pants" and "Vague." "Kelly Lebrock thinks she's great, she's just cold boogers on a paper plate."



A drunk version of Sooner Or Later.



A "Truth or Dare" monologue that is great! I still want to do a theater parody of the movie that changed my life. But this is a pretty clever scene.



Two very fun and cute boys doing a parody of Future Lovers.



Madonna Dawn and Madonna Jennifer. Their parodies are almost too perfect.



4 Minutes "Le Remake"- Um, I like this video better than the original.

Looking Good, Feeling Gorgeous

I made a mix of songs that I like. Just a mix of pop, soul and electronic songs for you while you cry and dance alone in your bedroom.

It's getting pretty bad out there...

I spent this morning watching a lovely Lifetime movie "Lost Holiday: The Jim and Suzanne Shemwell Story." Jami Gertz (Less Than Zero) and Dylan Walsh (Nip Tuck) play an estranged couple who have time to put their marriage back together after becoming stranded on a mountain while snowmobiling. I am a big fan of this genre of made for tv movies. Something about people being stranded in snow.

Stephen King's "Storm of The Century" mini-series is a big favorite. I have never watched the whole thing (even though I own it) because I just like when the characters are preparing for the storm, "It's getting pretty bad out there." Storm of The Century quickly dissolves into a horror movie and I get bored. I loved the book "Icebound" about the doctor in Antarctica who had to perform her own mastectomy.

This morning, I was going to give Erik a ride to work but we couldn't get Erik's car out of the ice because it was so bad out there. Real cold. -4 degrees. Best to stay inside-- you can watch the whole movie right here.

Plinko

I spent the first part of the day in an anxiety trap. "Ohhhhh... what am I going to do with my life... I am so lost... where has it all gone?" Coffee. Coffee. Cigarettes. Thoughts of committing something which is fatal for me-- the nap.

I am just going to climb into that bed and not come out. I stopped myself.

An anti anxiety pill and a bowl of frosted flakes later, I found myself downloading The Price Is Right PC game from Yahoo. I had to spend 5 dollars on a trial membership to Blockbuster Video to do it. I quickly cancelled my membership without even ordering a DVD. I did peruse their collection, not interested. If I hadn't done it I would have got the DVD's and let the trial period end and then I wouldn't have cancelled.

So I got the video game, and I love it! All of our favorite pricing games are there including Plinko, Cliffhanger, 3 Strikes.

So if you come calling I'll be playing The Price Is Right. Pour yourself a comfy chair and have a seat in a warm cup of hot cocoa and play along. It's really a lot of fun. I highly recommend it.

I think there should be home games of all TV shows. How fun would a home game of The View be? Try your luck at "Hot Topics!" Can you out bitch Elizabeth? Try to make as many Dick Cheney jokes as Joy.

Nate Berkus on HSN

"If you don't wake up on good sheets right now. You're kind of sending yourself a message," Nate Berkus says about his Percale 220 thread count sheet set. He's on HSN selling cheap stuff. He has a point. If you wake up on sheets you haven't washed in months (like I have been doing) you're sending yourself a message. 220 thread count though? A suspicious number. I wouldn't exactly call these good sheets. Don't try to pull the cotton/polyester blend over our eyes.

I have a love/hate relationship with Nate. He is the gay man I think I should be. Kind, attractive, well dressed, best friends with Oprah. I hate myself instantly when he is on television. The perfect hair, the eyes, the ability to speak to people. Such self confidence. He does look a little scrubby this morning though. Was he out late at the bars in St. Petersburg near the HSN studios? I can't imagine he's still up to that. Maybe he was out shooting another piece for Oprah. "Knock, Knock, It's Nate!" Knocking on another heterosexual couple's door and making over their house. Screams from the audience, the wife cries, Oprah yelling. He is the metrosexual asexual homosexual magician that is acceptable in Oprahland.

One suggestion Nate has is to buy these sheet sets and then invite your friends over for the holidays to sleep on and then say, "I actually want you to take these with you..and see what they say." Your guests come over for Christmas and bring you a normal gift. You tell them, "Those sheets your sleeping on, Merry Christmas." Thanks a lot.

A woman just called in and stopped the show and made everyone very nervous. "YOU DON'T MAKE TWIN SIZE. There are a lot of widows and widowers out here like me." I love these moments on HSN. Nate and the host don't miss a beat, thanking the crazy lady for the suggestion and promise they will speak to the buyers and bring that up.

A reviewer on the website says, "Don't want to give a bad review because I want Nate to do well on HSN and it's his first shot. I got these sheets in the pale pink but was disappointed that they were actually peach so I could not use them. Had to send them back. Hopefully, colors will be true to picture in the future."

I too want Nate to do well on HSN. I need him to be on HSN. Just like the crazy lady who called in.

Ace Mart

I stumbled upon Ace Mart Restaurant Supply today. The range of products available for purchase is extraordinary. In these difficult times, it eases my anxiety somehow to think about the roles these classic pieces played in our lives.

Caramel Princess Mug $19.38/1 dozen




I believe this mug was designed for mildly depressing continental breakfasts at La Quinta Inns. It's the mug you drink out of while studying yourself in a mirror and questioning why you packed what you are now wearing. There is a sense of excitement about the day. The air smells of chlorine from the pool that is perpetually closed. You forgot your keypass card in the room. You have to wait to go back up to get it because someone is checking when and where to meet the shuttle bus. You wait patiently and sleepy sipping on the warm brownish water that they call coffee.

Burgundy Snap Drape 73.98/each




You know this snap drape. It takes a snap drape to know a snap drape and you're the snappiest drape I know. It's been at all the job fairs and depressing banquet style receptions you've ever been forced to attend. You're pretending to celebrate a wedding or some vague anniversary, spooning up your baked mostacolli, not even thinking about the seventy bucks someone paid for this pleated number designed to hide the legs of a collapsable table.

Guest Check 47.98/box of fifty


You have anxiety problems and you can't handle the period of waiting between finishing eating and your server bringing the check. You want to leave. You need air. You need a cigarette now. You're done talking. But the check isn't coming. You think about asking the waiter/waitress for the check but you've done that before and your friends implied that it was rude. The check is never going to come. Then you have to decipher the check and figure out the tip and then play the "I got it," "No, you got it last time, It's my turn" game for the required period of time. It's all too much. It's just too much. You just want to leave but you can't. Do you go up to cash register or pay at the table? And now someone has to go to the bathroom. You're just going to wait outside.

Enter Talking

When I moved to the Chicago suburbs from San Jose, CA I spent a lot of time at the library. This was the summer before my sixth grade. I didn't know anyone and had little to do. I wanted to check out the audiobook "Enter Talking" by Joan Rivers (The title of which is based on advice someone gave her about doing standup- that she should always enter the stage talking, so there was no lull, so the energy was up). The librarian at the Crystal Lake Public Library had to call my mom and ask for her permission for me to check out a Joan Rivers book.

I recently found myself at the library again checking out a Joan Rivers book. Regressing. This time there was no hassle from the librarian, besides maybe a raised eyebrow. It was her motivational book, "Bouncing Back (I've Survived Everything...And I Mean Everything..And You Can Too!)" I didn't plan to read it all, I just thought, "what the hell, it can't hurt." I can't put the book down. The book is a strung together collection of motivational bumper sticker "get on with it" sayings infused with Rivers' life experience: her husband commiting suicide, being fired from her Late Night Talk Show, banned from the Tonight Show, the collapse and rebirth of her Jewelry company.

Why do I feel the need to educate you about Joan Rivers! Ugh, I'm so disgusted. Here's Miss Piggy and Joan Rivers. Happy Sunday. Whatever.

Maya Angelou's Caramel Cake

Erik and I traveled to my parents house to celebrate my mom's belated birthday. I made Maya Angelou's Caramel Cake.





The most exciting part of the cake for me is that I got to use parchment paper. Mmmm parchment paper. Martha is always going on about parchment paper, parchment paper. Like everyone has that laying around. "Just line the bottom of your cake pan with two rounds of parchment paper..." I finally got my hands on some.



Maya asks that you make your own caramel sauce by boiling the water and sugar down. You only use a very small amount and add that to your butter/sugar.



You use the rest to drizzle over the cake later (which I did not do because I knew my mom wouldn't be interested in that). I put it in a mason jar. In fact when we ate it she said, "I will have only a VERY small amount of that, thank you."



Creaming the butter, sugar and syrup. Fascinating!



Foaming the eggs. I was confused because I have done this with egg whites, but not with whole eggs. It's what Maya said to do, but I'm still not sure if that is correct.



The two cakes pre-cooked.



The cooked cake with PARCHMENT PAPER!!! It was very thrilling to peel the paper off.



Frosting the cake. The frosting was sort of difficult (that's why there was no pictures). I started with way less powdered sugar than I needed. It said to use a 16 oz box powdered sugar and I had a big bag from a previous frosting. I measured out 16 oz with a wet measuring cup. So my measurements were off. I kept adding and adding powdered sugar until it worked. I made it work.



The final cake. It was a little flat. My mom said "I can tell you exactly what you did wrong. You didn't push the cakes to the back of the oven." She was right. But I think it turned out ok.



The cake hacked into in my parent's dining nook. My mom said the cake was very good. She is paging through a British Recipes book. Erik and my mother were talking about English/Scottish recipes while I zoned out and took pictures of a cake like an idiot.

Maya Angelou was one of two living poets to read their own poems on inaugural day. She read "Inaugural Poem" for Bill Clinton's inauguration.

Here on the pulse of this new day
You may have the grace to look up and out
And into your sister's eyes, into
Your brother's face, your country
And say simply
Very simply
With hope
Good morning.

Bad Day

Where's The Party?

Went to the Art Institute free night last night. I have been there so many times so I wasn't taken away or surprised by much. It's all real good work. Everyone did a real good job on everything. A+ Seurat, A+ Latrec, kudos to everyone. But I'd seen it all before and how lucky I am to have seen it all before.

Reflecting on the evening, over a bowl of curried vegetables and fried rice and chicken I tried to recall what my favorite piece was and I decided, along with the help of Erik, that it was Archibald Motley's "Nightlife." Erik said it was the only thing that made him physically smile. I agree. I smiled inside when I saw it. I want to be in that world.



It's just such an explosion out of repression and depression to sheer euphoria (except for the man who is wasted in the upper right). He's coming down, knows that he has to go back out onto that street, back home, back to the real world.



I also love the Eames Chair. My grandfather had one. Or maybe I made that up. I think he did. Anyway, it reminds me of my grandfather. I want it. I also want to go back to 1987 and I want to be Madonna and I want to where crazy glasses and...

Don't want to grow old too fast
Don't want to let the system get me down
I've got to find a way to make
the good times last
And if you'll show me how, I'm ready now!

Men Commuting

Here is a photo series of men commuting in Chicago.

Am I A Democrat?

Recently, at a potluck, I was asked if I watched Sarah Palin's speech. I said that I hadn't. I did turn on the RNC for a second and saw a bunch of white people yelling and screaming, congratulating each other for something. Was it the war? Or I'm sorry- The surge? The surge worked, right? It must have been the surge. Or...the economy? Because it's getting better! Or the continued fight for the preservation of traditional family values? The new "Life Happens" values? I'm still not sure. Anyway, they were all very very happy. It frightened me.

"Oh, you're a Democrat?" this person said.

I was so offended! I've never had this feeling before, but I really wanted to turn around and look to see if this person was actually asking me this question. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I forget that not everyone knows automatically that I am gay. I am. I'm gay. I know that being gay doesn't automatically equal me being a Democrat. I could be a Log Cabin Republican. But I think I danced out most of my sexual shame and internalized homophobia listening to a remix of "Xanadu" in 1999 at Roscoe's So, no, I'm not a Log Cabin Republican either.

Eckhart Tolle wrote in his book "The Power Of Now" about people who are on the outside and how they view the world. Women, Disabled people, racial or ethnic minorities, gender and sexual minorities have a view of the world that is different from anyone in the majority. He says enlightened. I'm gonna say different. So with this different view the minority sees that if you are not in the majority- you are excluded. That's what I saw in that convention hall, exclusion and ignorance.

So yes, I am a Democrat. Because, among a myriad of other reasons, I see people excluded from things on the basis of who they are. Subtly and quietly erased.

And now, predictably, I point you to an excerpt from Madonna's "controversial" video interlude at her concert. I got chills listening to the cheer at seeing Obama's picture.

Madonna's Controversial Video



"You don't have the luxury of time, you have got to say what's on our mind." My MILF, the real MILF, sinews and all, sure does inspire me with her snappy lyrics. She really does.

the lady of the hour

Crazy lady livin' up there in Alaska. Former head of the Christian Athletes! A former sports anchor! A member of Feminists for Life (what a snappy contradiction). With her cute little glasses on. Can we just have her be president? I'm supposed to hate her but I love her. I am playing right into to his cold white hands.

Standing before all those sexy rugged men in Alaska her boots on, hand over her heart. I am really getting wrapped up in a snow covered lesbian Christian Republican fantasy. Someone better talk me down. The next four years could be a Republican Alaskan Christmastime! I'm thinking I could really give it all up to the corporations and the military. Screw Change and health care. I want the Karen Walker hair and glossy lips. I'll eat canned chicken.

Roseanne Barr said, "The one who cares the most wins...That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over...I cared the most."

The one who cares the most, good or bad, will win. I vow to stop trying to control the election with my mind.

give us more to see

"Art is the mirror, perhaps the only one, in which we can see our true collective face. We must honor its sacred function. We must let art help us."
-Alice Walker, The Same River Twice

Sprinkler Rainbow Conspiracy

"Ahhhhh...July 6, 2007, its about 4:30 PM" Words that will life in infamy.

I applaud this lady for keeping her tinfoil hat on while the rest of us sleep. She's keeping an eye on things for us. It's a dirty job but someone has to do it. I can also relate to the sheer anxiety she feels. Turning something as beautiful as a sprinkler rainbow into a government conspiracy is a gift, I believe, I also possess.

I hope she can let it go. I hope she is able to sleep at night without dreams of death rainbows.

I just got back from Walgreen's. I bought my weekend essentials: coffee, coke and cigarettes. I also purchased an antidote for all the weekend fun, Prilosec. Another thirty two year old man might be purchasing a case of beer at 1:00 on a Saturday. I'm purchasing over the counter stimulants.

My world view is limited currently. The trek to Walgreens is about as adventurous as it gets for me on a temp salary. While Kara plans a trip to the moon with her mother, I'm keeping it real in the 60640. I don't need a fancy trip or a case of beer. I don't need another hero. Someday I will see life beyond my internal thunderdome. Right now it's black coffee and cigarettes and a Cliff bar (A leftover purchase from last weekend, good choice!).

No drama at Walgreen's, or on the trip there. Passing the weekend edition of the RedEye in my hallway was a bit depressing. It should have had a story about Joe Biden, Obama's pick for VP, but instead the cover story is something about "Do It Yourself Brides." Get it together RedEye. I wanted my sexy enthusiastic RedEye editors staying up late waiting for that text message like the rest of us. But no, they cashed in their chips early, "Stick with the DIY Bride story!" Then they got in their ZipCars and drove out to the suburbs for BBQs.

Joe Biden (is that even what is name is?) looks to me like a villain mayor of Gotham city from a pre-Ledger Batman movie. Oh! We're doomed. We really are. I mean I will be waving my big O flag from now until November but I fear it's a lost cause. The machine (the same one that makes the rainbow sprinklers) is going to steamroll it all to shit. I really wanted the VP text message to look like this:



Or RuPaul or Traci Lords, I don't care. Shake it up! If I have to listen to one more old white man talk I'm gonna turn into an old white man. Again, in the words of Anna Nicole Smith, "I know nothing about nothing. Oh Yes, Oh Yes."

Blueberry Mini-Tarts and the Anti-Depressant Solution

As a treat for a wonderful Sunday evening at Ravinia, I decided to make Martha Stewart's Blueberry Mini Tarts.

I am also reading and trying to follow The Antidepressant Solution. My experience has been very difficult.

The crust, if I am not mistaken, is a Pate Sucree meaning there is sugar in it. I like it much better than the Pate Brisee which has no sugar and is too floury tasting for my liking.

Stay With Me

I had the honor of being Mr. D's (the creator of Bootleg Betty, best Bette Midler site ever) guest to see Bette Midler at the opening of "The Venue" at Hammond Indiana's Horseshoe Casino.

We were in the fourth row. The show was magical. Seeing Bette this close was an out of body experience for me. I have loved Bette Midler since I was 11 (see how i got the scar on my nose).

I think my generation knows Bette Midler as the star of "Down and Out and Beverly Hills," "Ruthless People," etc. For me, hearing Bette Midler sing, can be a metaphysical experience. I can't describe it. Words fail me. If you want to know more watch this clip and then go to Bootleg Betty. You have a lot to catch up on. Thank you Mr. D.




Maybe this time I should be the one to go away.
’Cause honey, ain’t it my turn to have somebody
Grab hold of me and say,
"No! Don’t go! You can’t go!"