the story of easter

easter makes me think of sunday school in california. i remember half listening to some story about jesus dying and coming back to life. seemed a little suspicious. something about a rock being moved. the entrance to a cave where he was hiding? did he go into a cave? and then they found his dreamcoat?

jesus was crucified and on the third day (everything is in threes right? like die hard and back to the future movies) he rose again and he said that he had died for all of our sins. all very confusing. like murder she wrote.

i saw "who's afraid of virginia woolf" last night with Ms. Kathleen Turner. i went with two dear friends. the play was great. ms. turner, despite some coughing that wasn't in the script was genius! bill irwin was wonderful. although, i must say, like the story of easter and murder she wrote, i had trouble following. i had seen the movie and remembered that i liked it. but i know now that i liked it not because of the story but because of elizabeth taylor. in the climactic scene at the end where they are talking about their son, i wanted to get up, stop the play and say--

"ok. before we go on, was there a son? did you have a son or were you writing a book about a son? was the son gay? is that what all this fighting is about? because i remember that there was a movie that elizabeth taylor was in "suddenly last summer" where she's all upset because a gay guy killed himself. is that what this ones about? is martha barren? if we could have a quick discussion i think i would get a lot more out of this. and while we're at it- how old are you kathleen turner? and why the tj maxx pajama pants? elizabeth taylor did not wear those as i recall. and i loved you in war of the roses. and your voice reminds me of my friends mom. and i loved you in serial mom. and i did not see body heat but i know that was your breakout movie. thank you."

i did not say these things and i am still unclear as to what all the fighting was about. im sure my boyfriend can fill me in. oh how he must suffer with a mildly retarted boyfriend who cant digest a simple plot.

there were some mumblings in the bathroom during the play:

"she has arthritis, that's why she's so puffy. it's because of the medication she takes."

"she's just a puppy. she's fifty two. just a puppy." -- a puppy!!! gross

"i saw it in the seventies i think. must have been the seventies."

then after the play two old ladies, one with died eggplant hair with white roots and balding hair:

"aren't you glad we came. it's really exhausting. i knew you'd be glad we came"

stories are hard to follow and hard to tell. but that's not really the point, is it? the point is what you look like, if you're gay or not, where or if you can smoke, where the nearest 24 hour walgreens is, and if you think you can get by another day without taking a shower.

Another Very Merry Christmas Jeremy Show Special

Hello and welcome to Another Very Merry Christmas Jeremy Show Special. I hope your enjoying the holiday as much as I am. I have a great evening planned for all of us with Christmas tips, lots of fabulous guests and imaginary food and drinks. Thanks for stopping by, I think you'll be glad you did.

Let's start with a holiday tip.

I can't remember where I heard this but this is the best advice I ever heard about surviving the holidays. Ready, here it is-- Expect Nothing. Whether it's love, acceptance, approval, good food, good sex or simply a nice time you expect this Christmas- It is not guaranteed.

We all have very elaborate plans and fantasies about the way things should go during the holidays. Not to be a Scrooge, but many of these plans and fantasies won't go the way we imagined them. That's ok though.

Christmas can be a very magical time. It is not based in reality-- it is a wonderful magical imaginative place in our mind where elves build toys and men climb down chimneys. It is linked to our imaginations when we were children. I think this is why it can be so emotional.

So my goal this Christmas is to expect nothing, to try to control nothing. I will look at the pretty lights, watch some movies, be with my family, maybe have a few drinks and let the snowflakes fall where they fall. Adopting this very zen attitude about Christmas has saved me from setting a few Christmas trees on fire.

On that note, I would like to introduce my first guests- The Pet Shop Boys singing "It Doesn't Often Snow At Christmas." Take it away Elton...



Now it's time for a Christmas Recipe from my kitchen to yours. I actually make this spicy, greasy delicious dish myself. Feel free to use it as a delicious addition to your Christmas table.

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Clinical Depression Double Layer Jalepno Delight

1 bag of Krunchers Jalepeno potato chips
1 bag of Chihahua Cheese (can substitute any meltable cheese)
1 microwavable bowl

Empty one half bag of chips into the microwavable bowl. Empty half bag of cheese on to the chips. Empty the rest of the bag of chips and top with remaing cheese. Microwave for 1.5-2 minutes. Eat with fingers.
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No Christmas is complete without a visit from Judy Garland. This clip makes me tear up thinking about the ridiculous amount of soldiers that are in Iraq away from their families for absolutely no reason. I don't normally think of such things, but I've taken a step away from the Rosie Trump scandal to think about something more important for a change. Hopefully, "Next year all our troubles will be miles away." I send them Christmas greetings. I don't know if they want my faggoty Jeremy Show Christmas greetings, but they have them if they want them. Anyway, here is a great clip of Judy with clips of soldjas.



If you want, write a letter to a soldier.

Well, time for my special gentleman to pick me up on his sleigh and take me over the river and through the woods to my parents house. I really do wish you a really great Christmas and remember to chill out, be zen, and just enjoy the break.

I thought we'd drop in on Joan Crawford and see what's going on at her house during the holidays.

Merry Christmas
Jeremy

gifts

Like most people, Christmas for me is all about celebrity endorsed products. That is why I was very excited when I saw the ad for the perfume, "Danielle." It's a literary scent. This year, Danielle has been in her laboratory creating an olifactory story. A novel for the nose!

The perfect gift for me is always going to be found on either HSN, QVC or the "As Seen On TV" section. I have been eyeing Pamela Anderson's teeth whitening system all year at my local Walgreens. Suzanne Somers sells frozen steaks on QVC. Also (as mentioned above) any perfume sold by a celebrity is a good idea when shopping for me- Britney Spears' "Curious," J.Lo's "Glow," or Antonio Banderas' "Spirit." I plan to create a shelf or a special area to display these unusual bottles in my apartment.

vomit

In Crystal Lake for Easter weekend. I spotted American Idol top twenty contestant David Radford (from Crystal Lake Central) in a minivan at the bank. My mom and I were driving home from Chili's and I told her to slow down so I could see if it was really him (he was driving behind us). I kept checking and checking, it was him, it was him.

Everytime I looked I wanted to throw up, I think because he just stared back at me. But so fascinating to me.

I love celebrities. I really do. Can't get enough. Oprah says that worshipping celebrities is dangerous because it takes you off your path to becoming your authentic self. Of course, she says this on television speaking to millions of viewers from her white leather couch.

Happy Easter.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas from The Jeremy Show!



As my gift to you, here are some tips from Joan Crawford about enjoying the holidays...

Earn Your Gifts!

Give Away Things You Really Love!

Love, Jeremy

confessions on my christmas tree.

i put up my christmas tree. i know its early. but i thought, better early than never.

went with a gold and red theme. its overloaded with ornaments and it looks really great. but now im creeped out that its up. want time to speed up so i dont feel weird about it. "hi, my name is crazy, do you wanna dye easter eggs with me in november?" i listened to the carpenters christmas album while i did it. ah, karen. i think i shall listen to her as i fall asleep tonight.

anyway, it reminded me of my two and half years working at an artificial christmas tree company. whenever i say that i worked at an artificial christmas tree company people don't hear correctly and think that i worked at a christmas tree lot. they think that i was the creepy guy in the little trailer with the space heater.

no, i was the creepy guy in an office selling christmas trees through the internet. i sat all day at a desk answering hundreds of questions on the telephone and via email like:

(honest to god, these people weren't kidding)
"do you have half trees?"
"do you have pencil (thin) trees?"
"do you have black christmas trees?"
"do you have have upside down christmas trees?"
"do you have the trees that shoot fake snow from the top?"
"do you have the charlie brown christmas tree?"
"can the trees be used year round as actual pine trees in my front yard?"

the job was VERY INTENSE. people are VERY SERIOUS about christmas trees.
most people are. a lot of people turn up there noses at artificial trees. some people don't like the cutting down of real trees, etc, etc. everyone has the way they do it or the way their family has always done it and its very very sacred to us. and when it gets closer to christmas, of course, we all lose are minds.

i just wanted some time alone with my tree. before i worry about giving and receiving gifts and money and arguments and blah blah blah.

it's weird i feel like it's alive. like it's another person or spirit in the room. like i cant walk around naked or anything in front of it. i can't invite a mysterious stranger over to have a late night romantic liason -- the christmas tree is watching me. my christmas tree is my new roommate. silent, beautiful but somehow judgmental.

i wish you a merry christmas/holiday season before the shit gets crazy.

halloween

I recall my first All Hallows Eve party with great fondness. It was at the great Capps Mansion, long before anyone knew of the trouble there. I wore a mischevious bird mask with a humorous feathered beak, a sequined vest and white tights. I don't think you were there.

A Very Merry "The Jeremy Show" Christmas

Hello everyone,

What are you doing checking my blog on Christmas? Christmas isn't on the internet.

Take this time to remember the real meaning of Christmas. This is the day Jesus was reborn and lit eight candles with a miraculous oil. This oil is called "Kwanzaa." With the light of these candles Jesus wrote something called "The Declaration of Independence." This is the true meaning of Christmas. Remember this tonight as you light your jack-o-lantern and put it under your pillow for St. Patrick.

I wish you all a Merry eChristmas and hope everyone has a great 2005.

Love
All of us at
www.thejeremyshow.com