you must love me

Today I got the results back from a blood test. In a nutshell, I eat bad food. That's a shocker!

Receiving these results depressed me. I was feeling pretty good until I got them. But it wasn't these results- someone could have looked at me funny and I would be in the same emotional state that I am now. I usually feel the same way at this time of day- depressed, melancholic.

And I want to sleeeeeep. Just lay down for six hours. Which I probably will, unless something very unusual happens. I hate this time of day. Hate it. Love the morning. Hate the afternoon. Could take or leave the evening.

Went to see a psychiatrist (one who prescibes medication) yesterday. Those who do not see psychiatrists or psycotherapists seem to have trouble wrapping their chemically balanced brains around which is which. He did the psychiatric evaluation which I have had so many times that I can't count. Basically, it's how are you feeling, how are you sleeping, how is your diet, any psychotic symptoms (hearing or seeing people that are not there), any suicidal thoughts, any family history of mental illness, etc.

I told him that I sleep too much. During the day. This is probably because I usually have little else to do. Although, I have been trying to get out more- going downtown. A little sick of downtown Chicago, frankly.

I am feeling generally depressed and often very anxious. My default state, i think, is depression. But the anxiety and obsessive thoughts have been increasing as of late (not to be confused with OCD which involves a compulsion to rid oneself of those thoughts. I do not have this. I just have the thoughts). The anxiety usually comes from these thoughts. And these thoughts are usually based in reality but expand into a very dramatic doomsday narrative in my head until I am in a panic state.

I don't want to eat unless I eat, then I will eat. Absolutely no appetite in the morning. I could wait until about eight at night to eat until I start to get hungry.

I do not hear or see people that are not there. Not yet.

I don't have suicidal thoughts. But I do contemplate what song will be played at my funeral. This type of thinking (contemplating morbidish thoughts) is common with people who are depressed. By the way, the song is "You Must Love Me" by Madonna. For awhile, I thought she (The character of Madonna or Eva Peron, take your pick) was demanding people to love her. You MUST love me, goddamit! But then I realized that she is making the realization that "You" or her people must love her otherwise they wouldn't be there. "Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to you now?" I like both of my interpretations. See, now I've talked about it too long. Stinkin thinkin. Move on. Move on Jeremy!

So, it was an okay visit. He was nice. But again, psychiatrists aren't really there to analyze or listen to your life story unless it applies to the chemistry of your brain or what medication might be a good fit.
That's what your here for.