To Assistant

Re: Hair
Let's plan this out and stick to it. Let's pick a style and maintain it- not let it grow out into an unruly mullet. We don't need another reason for people to question my already questionable sanity.

Re: Shirts
Let's get rid of all ill fitting clothes. Let's not save bad oversized t-shirts, thinking that they would be good to wear to bed. These t-shirts end up in day-to-day public wardrobe.

What is the best style for my body type? What's appropriate to wear if you have a gut and one man breast? Do a search for a celebrity with my body type and I will wear what this celebrity wears. If that celebrity is determined to be Rodney Dangerfield, don't tell me.

Re: Jeans
I'm hearing that tight jeans are coming back in. Is this true? Can I jump on board with this trend? If so, what do I wear on top? Stripy shirts? Should we buy a bunch of stripy shirts? What's next after stripy shirts? Let's find out, please.

Re: Shoes
Why can't I wear shoes with no laces? Why does they disturb roommate? I'm willing to comprimise, can we find something that will go with absolutely everything, always and forever. Let's find those shoes and buy a lifetime supply. As you know, I loathe shoe shopping. I end up buying high top basketball sneakers and then not returning them.

Re: Cigarettes
Should I switch to Parliments? Camel Lights seem to be a hangover from the nineties. What is the coolest cigarette to smoke? Switch me over to whatever cigarette that is. Other cigarette brands used to make me sick. Now is a good time to swith as I am not able to taste the difference anymore.

Re: Underwear
Boxer Briefs? What is the most attractive male undergarment to wear? What looks best on me (see body type)? This is important because I am planning to have lots of candelit, playful teasing, George Michael in the background, bubblebath taking, Lifetime Original Movie sex.

Re: Ipod
It has come to my attention that I need to have an Ipod if I am to ride the CTA. As funds are low, can we construct a fake Ipod? We could fashion it out of a polished block of wood or even a bar of soap. We can paint my earphones with white-out and then hide my horribly outdated cd player in my messenger bag (find what the coolest messenger bag is).

Re: Music
As much as I wish they would, friend(s) don't seem to be impressed with my music collection (Janet Jackson, Bette Midler, Madonna, Pet Shop Boys, etc). As in the Ipod example, let's create fake cd cases of music that is appropriate and just cutting edge enough to impress friends and gay.com one night stands. Inside we can store Bette Midler's "Songs for The New Depression" and Celine Dion's "All the Way" etc.

Friend has told me that in New York City gay bars do not play the standard gay fare that is played in Chicago. Instead of Whitney Houston, something called The Stooges is played. Must find out what The Stooges are and begin to slip knowledge into regular conversation. Also, must start complaining loudly at Spin and Roscoes that the music is tired and would never be played in NYC. Say things like, "I'm just not really into the bar scene" and give dirty looks to people in sweaters.

Let's get to work.