These are posts that, for whatever reason, I chose to put in The Jeremy Show Vault rather than post. Now for a limited time, they are available for you at no charge.
3/28/07
lighten up jeremy
i just made a pot of coffee at 8 pm and i'm feeling guilty about that. jesus f'ing christ- i just need to lighten up for pete's sake. why must i feel guilty and anxious about every goddam thing ever. i DID NOT drop the bomb on hiroshima. that was not my fault. i want the freedom to pee all over my hotel room floor and not feel guilty about it. okay maybe thats pushing it.
rigidity. it comes down to rigidity and insecurity. it comes down to so much. superstition and magic thinking. let's do some cognitive therapy, lets explore psychology together-- shall we?
I am a real expert at what cognitive therapists call overgeneralizing and catastrophizing. let's start with the coffee.
The simple action that starts it:
I am drinking a cup of coffee at 8 pm.
So this is what goes on in my head:
I am obviously stupid and irresponsible. Normal people don't drink cups of coffee at 8 pm. Unless they are out to dinner- but I am such a bad person that I don't even have any friends to go out with for dinner. This is because I have an self diagnosed anxiety disorder which isn't being treated. I have other self diagnosed disorders as well, post traumatic stress disorder, agoraphobia (except I have the strain that allows me to leave the house for cigarettes and fast food and movies). I have all kinds of obscure but very serious addictions. I have also decided that I have a vestibular disorder. Which involves something about dizziness and the inner ear, I haven't looked into it too much but I'm sure this is something that I am dealing with. Not to mention hypochondriasis.
This all from making a cup of coffee. Too much time to think. That's why I'm pounding away at this keyboard.
I think I would like a drink. A margarita or something with tequila to make me feel smooth and silly and sexy. I need a cute latino waiter smiling and watching as I fall into a giggly rabbit hole where everything is very curious.
But as I have learned, being here in the LA, I need to stay on my treatment. Nothing need interfere with my treatment. Unless I have a safe place and a guardian. Someone to watch over as I enjoy a safe drunken playground.
Will I ever not need a treatment plan?
3/28/07
in the trash
I think I would like a drink. A margarita or something with tequila to make me feel smooth and silly and sexy. I need a cute latino waiter smiling and watching as I fall into a giggly rabbit hole where everything is very curious.
But alkiholl tends to interfere with the treatment plan set up so lovingly by my doctor.
Name is J. Wells and I am a very important business man who makes good money, good benefits and has a stockpile of 401K and other such plans that make me indestructible. I walk confidently down major metropolitan streets paying little attention to passers by. I talk directly into my cellular phone with friends and colleagues about upcoming deals. My suit and shoes and hair are tailored and perfected. Hair appointments on a regular basis.
Oh! I can't even fake it. Who are these men that ride about town on their success and big dicks? What families did they come from, what were they doing when they were eleven? Big hands. So many men with these big hands and big feet and perfect hair and suits.
I am from a different stock, clearly. I see myself as sort of decoupage. ugh im sick of myself. stop. done.
memory flood
4/26/07
staying at heathers house after meltdown reading prozac nation watching barbra streisand 94 concert on vhs and i love lucy road trip to la feeling safe. fourth of july in hot hot apartment, geoffrey was out, kara and i watched jennifer lopez movie- out of sight, while puerto ricans shot off fireworks loud loud. hillarys apartment after not getting on flight to san diego, hillary was sick, i was not
time to put memories away for awhile
Well God Bless America. Shit. I can't believe the ridiculousness. Things fall apart. For sure things fall apart. I cant believe how
4/26/07
The Secret
In the spirit of "The Secret," here is my visualization for the future.
Come see me perform.
Welcome to my home. Understated. Subtle.
5/20/07
Untitled
yesterday i was sad because i was out to lunch and it was very sunny and i was looking out the window and there were so many people
5/22/07
regret
i am afraid to write this. keep deleting my thoughts. i am depressed. simple as that. simple as that. occasional moments of clarity, brilliance. on the whole, depressed. and i hurt the ones i love with this thing that i have and the way i handle it. push them away without even knowing it.
responsibility. a word that doesnt apply, falls off me like i am covered in teflon. sabotaging myself.
writing again in annoying oddly constructed sentences.
“Depression is the inability to construct a future.” Rollo May
5/22/07
Captain Depression
I have returned. Captain Depression! Able to dissapoint everyone I know, everywhere I go! Leaving parties, jobs, bars in seconds for no reason! Turning a normal social situation into an awkward disaster right before your very eyes.
Walking Pneumonia
I acquired this illness shortly before my graduation from college. Lots of coughing-hot-cold-chills-wanting-to-sleep-a-lot. I was given a prescription to Tussinex a pain reliever with Codeine for the coughing. While riding this beautiful train and enjoying the warm buzz I became seriously convinced that I would be forever addicted to opiates and die a heroin addict. Luckily I polished off the bottle and have been sober for ovr a week. I wont be making any heroin deals anytime soon. Knock on wood.
My recovery has been slow. I admit that I have continued smoking. I smoke. I smoke a lot. A lot. Always smoking. If you catch me somewehere, waiting for a bus, outside a resteraunt, in the shower- I will be smoking. Rumor has it that smoking is not advised while one tries to heal from pneumonia. I cant stop. Or dont want to stop. I dont want to stop.
I am afraid to stop smoking. I don't know what I will be like. I have terrible anxiety now- who knows what it will be like when I am trying not to smoke. I know that I could handle it though. Strange how chemical addictions work. A drug telling your body to tell your brain that you need it to survive. This is not true. I dont need to smoke to survive.
Anyway, I didnt want to go down this road. Talk of addiction and smoking.
Okay all of this has been depression soaked ranting. Full of gloom and doom signifying nothing. Garbage.
Depression Crisis Plan
During the times I have been hospitalized there were very peppy counselors who went on about a depression crisis plan. I have never done one. Why I am choosing to do this now on the internet is just me being hungry for attention. If this is what it takes for me to do it then this is what it takes for me to do it. Maybe you will learn something from it. I'll pretend I'm Oprah. A depressed smoking Oprah.
When I am feeling well, I am (describe yourself when you are feeling well):
active, busy, working or studying, eating relatively well, sleeping ok, in contact with friends and family
The following symptoms indicate that I am no longer able to make decisions for myself, that I am no longer able to be responsible for myself or to make appropriate decisions.
5/23/07
a failure of character
i have been suffering from depression for probably ten years. i am a survivor of this disease. i have hit bottom many times, had to pull myself back up with the help of hospitalizions, doctors, therapists, family and friends.
throughout all of this, there is a chorus, sometimes in my head, sometimes out of my head that tells me that i am lazy, that i am doing something wrong, that i am flawed, just not doing something right.
this blog stands as a testament to the fact that i am happy to admit my flaws. but i do not think that my flaws (smoking, laziness, too much big brother, etc) are the cause of my depression. and i think that when i think this way it is dangerous.
medicine can't fix everything. and the companies that produce the medication are evil like every other company in the world. but medication has saved me.
i am going through a very difficult time right now. having just graduated from school i dont know what to do with myself. i dont know if this triggered my current bout of depression-- i am working to get over this.
6/7/07
are you absolutley serious?
god bless you for continuing to read this piece of crap. please feel free to exit at any point.
When I was fourteen I started working at McDonalds at the suggestion of my mother. I am unclear about my thought process back then. Did I want to work there? Or was it that my mother told me to. And was that enough for me to do something back then. Anyway, I continued working there until I was 24. I had other jobs here and there but McDonalds was the bulk of it.
I remember looking out the drive thru window and thinking I don't have to do this anymore. I could work in an office, get paid more, and do less. So I started temping.
I worked for the gas company. I was a landscaping and paving clerk. Artificial Christmas tree salesman. Wallpaper librarian. Production Assitant for television shows.
Always uncomfortable and very stressful. But managable I think. Somehow I managed. And now because I have been out of work I am
6/13/07
a little bit of love goes a long long way
Never thought I'd be saying this but hooray for Enrique Iglesias. Serenading a gay fan. One of the cutest things I've seen in awhile people. Makes me a little sick, but its great.
6/18/07
10:24
It is important to have things to look forward to. I am looking forward to:
-going back to school one day
-writing a comic play
-seeing sandra bernhard again
Untitled
6/23/07
I am very excited about the new Big Brother. I hope it does not dissapoint.
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