one day my soul just opened up

a whiff of fall in the air. soon the beaches of lake michigan will be caked with snow and ice and i shall be in my apartment with the radiator on. i laugh at the radiator now. haha. you are not my friend radiator. the air conditioner is my real friend. but the radiator sits knowingly. knowingly sits.

this time of the year reminds me of my once yearly trips to the mental hospitals of mchenry county. gather round children for another story of auntie jeremy going crazy.

the first time i went to the hospital there was a friendly blonde counselor lady who really helped me. i cant remember why i was there. i was shaky anxiety boy. i remember seeing the book by iyanla vanzant, "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up" in her office. actually, i dont think it was her office because when i asked if i could borrow the book she gave me a "you're kidding" look. this twenty year old boy wanting to borrow an inspirational book written primarily for women in the oprah demographic. she had no idea.

i dont remember much about the book but i remember that it helped me for two or three days. as self help books go for me. i liked the cover the most. i think the cover helped me more and for longer.



recently, as i lay, lie on my couch staring at the television i remembered the book and its cover. this is what i want fall to be for me. what summer wasn't i want fall to be.
vibrant colors. with the ability to breathe.

i think the hospital for me was a place where i felt safe to vomit up all the scary terrible stuff in my life. just feelings packed so tightly together. i needed to explode. couldnt breathe.